Tag Archive for: single

warning signs red flags dating mr. wrong

Top 15 Signs You’re Wasting Time on Mr. or Ms. Wrong

woman sad red flags mr wrong

Dating should add to your life, not drain it. But so many smart, strong women (and men) find themselves stuck giving time and energy to someone who isn’t right for them. Recognizing the signs early can save your heart, mental health, and years of effort. Some red flags are obvious, while others are subtle, showing up as quiet aches or little disappointments. This list cuts through the confusion to help you see when it’s time to walk away.

We’ve all been there, holding onto someone who just isn’t right, hoping things will change. But deep down, you know when it’s time to stop second-guessing and start listening to your gut. A relationship should be a source of joy and growth, not confusion and self-doubt. If you’re noticing more red flags than real connection, it might be time to take a step back and evaluate. Here are the 15 clearest signs you’re investing your time in Mr. or Ms. Wrong.

1. Lack of Consistent Communication

If reaching them feels like a guessing game, interest is likely low. You’re left waiting for texts that never come, or when they finally reply, it’s short and dismissive. You find you’re always the one to keep things going, without real effort on their part. Experts agree that connection is consistent and intentional. If it’s not, it’s time to pause and ask why.

Watch for:

  • Sporadic messages, especially when you need them most
  • Long silences, only to reappear like nothing happened
  • Never initiating conversations or plans

2. You Feel Drained After Interactions

Spending time together shouldn’t wear you out.

Normal tiredness is different from the heavy, anxious feeling that lingers after another difficult chat. If you breathe easier when they leave, emotional balance is missing. Experts agree that love should lift you up, not weigh you down.

3. They Avoid Introducing You to Friends or Family

You don’t know anyone important in their life. They dodge invites or make vague promises.

Meeting loved ones builds deeper trust. Avoidance here keeps you at arm’s length. Real connection is about integration, not isolation.

4. You’re Always the One Initiating Plans

If you stopped texting, calls, and plans would dry up. You’re the event planner and motivator, while they coast. Keeping a little log of who makes the first move week after week can reveal the pattern. Remember, healthy relationships have balance; it shouldn’t feel one-sided.

Checklist:

  • Who texted first last time?
  • Who chose the place to meet?
  • Who followed through on plans?

5. Lack of Respect for Your Time

Late again? Canceled at the last minute?

You begin to expect disappointment. Regular disrespect for your schedule shows low regard and keeps you on the back foot. Experts agree that respect is non-negotiable; your time is just as valuable as theirs.

6. They Don’t Make an Effort to Understand You

When you talk about your dreams, values, or even your day, the interest isn’t there. They forget what matters to you and brush aside your feelings.

Relationships thrive on curiosity and care. If they’re not interested in understanding you, they’re not invested.

7. You Feel More Anxious Than Happy

You walk on eggshells, unsure if today will be another letdown. Excitement has been replaced by knots in your stomach. Happiness should come easily, not be squeezed out by worry.

Experts agree that peace over pressure is key—if you’re more tense than joyful, it’s a sign.

8. They’re Secretive or Hide Important Details

You know nothing about their schedule, their past, or even basic facts friends already share.

They change the subject or feed you half-truths, leaving you uneasy. Authentic love doesn’t hide; it shows up fully.

9. You Constantly Make Excuses for Their Behavior

You defend them to your friends, explaining away lateness, silence, or rudeness.

You rewrite the script to make them look better and silence your own doubts. Experts agree that accountability matters—if you’re the only one justifying, it’s time to rethink.

10. Their Actions Don’t Match Their Words

They talk big, but follow-through is a joke. Grand promises drop flat.

Words and actions should line up. If not, trust unravels. Experts agree that consistency is key.

11. You Feel Lonely Even When You’re Together

The silence between you feels louder than any argument.

Even seated side-by-side, you feel alone. Companionship without connection is just sharing space. Real love fills the room with presence and partnership.

12. They Don’t Prioritize You During Important Moments

You celebrate alone, cry alone, and face big days solo.

Birthdays, job milestones, and tough times pass without their presence or effort. Experts agree that prioritization is an act of love, and you deserve to feel seen.

13. You’re Hiding Parts of Yourself Around Them

You bite your tongue or downplay your quirks, afraid you’ll push them away.

Authenticity fades, and you lose pieces of yourself trying to keep peace. Experts agree that you should always feel safe to be yourself.

14. They Seem Indifferent to Your Needs

Your needs—emotional, physical, or mental—get dismissed or ignored.

You feel invisible or burdensome for asking for basic care. True connection is about meeting each other where you are.

15. You Feel Relief or Happiness When You’re Apart

When they leave, you breathe easier. You’re lighter, happier, and more like yourself without them.

If you’d rather be alone than together, that’s your intuition speaking. Listen, because your heart already knows what your mind is resisting.

Remember

The right person will add to your life, not subtract from it. Experts agree that real love makes the everyday feel extraordinary. If you’re not getting that, it’s time to step back and ask yourself what you really deserve.

5 simple steps to take to start dating again after a breakup or divorce

5 Simple Steps to Date Again After a Breakup

5 simple steps to take to start dating again after a breakup or divorce

Let’s be real: getting back into the dating game after a breakup, divorce, or just a long pause can feel like learning to walk in heels again: awkward, unsteady, and honestly, a little terrifying.

You might be thinking: What if I’m not ready? What if it’s different now?

Spoiler alert: It is different now. But that doesn’t mean you’re not built for it.

Whether you’re in your late 20s, 30s, or 40s, stepping back into dating isn’t about chasing some perfect outcome. It’s about reconnecting with yourself and creating space for something new. And I promise, it doesn’t have to drain your energy or your self-worth.

Here’s how to ease back in without burning out.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Start Slow

You don’t have to rush. You do not have to rush.

Sometimes we need a soft launch back into the dating world. That might look like updating your profile and then ignoring the apps for a week. Or just having a conversation with someone new, no pressure attached.

Check in with yourself. Are you feeling curious? Or does your gut still need a little healing time? That answer will guide your pace, and that pace is perfect.

2. Get Clear on Your Boundaries and Needs

This time, we’re not dating on autopilot. We’re dating with intention.

Ask yourself: What am I available for now? What do I no longer want to entertain? Whether you’re craving connection, companionship, or something more serious, clarity is everything.

Write down your non-negotiables. Keep them in your phone if you need a reminder. These aren’t walls, they’re your guardrails. They help you stay aligned with your values, even when the chemistry’s strong.

3. Try Just One New Way to Meet People

You don’t need to sign up for every app, agree to every setup, or spend your Saturday speed dating unless that lights you up. Choose one way to dip your toe back in.

Maybe it’s attending a local mixer, trying a single dating app, or saying yes to that invite from your social circle. The goal here is simple: show up. Not to impress. Just to connect.

No pressure. No performance. Just presence.

4. Watch Your Inner Dialogue—Before and After Dates

This one’s big. Because the way you talk to yourself shapes the entire experience.

If you catch yourself saying things like “I’m too old for this” or “No one decent is out there,” pause. Gently reframe. Try: “I’m showing up as my full self.” Or “Every interaction teaches me something new.”

Dating is a learning process. And you don’t need to ace every test; you just need to stay kind to yourself between attempts.

5. Celebrate the Small Wins

Not every date will lead to butterflies or a second meeting, and that’s okay. Progress isn’t always flashy. Sometimes, it looks like:

  • Updating your profile after months off. 
  • Making it through a first date without overthinking everything. 
  • Saying “no” to someone who didn’t meet your standards. 

These are wins. Celebrate them. Progress in dating, like in anything else, is built one small courageous act at a time.

Final Thought: Start Where You Are

Dating again isn’t about being “ready” in some mythical, fully healed way. It’s about being willing. Willing to try, to learn, to stay curious.

You don’t have to be fearless. You just have to be you.

So take a deep breath. Set your pace. Keep your boundaries. Talk to yourself with kindness. And celebrate every single step you take back toward love.

Because you’re not starting over, you’re starting from experience.

breadcrumbing in relationships is the new ghosting in dating while single

Breadcrumbing Is the New Ghosting, and It Hurts More

breadcrumbing in relationships is the new ghosting in dating while singleThe way we connect with others can be both beautiful and complicated. But not every connection is as genuine as it seems. 

Emotional breadcrumbing is a subtle but toxic behavior that can leave you confused, drained, and questioning your worth.

Recognizing it early can save you from unnecessary heartbreak and guide you toward healthier relationships. Let’s explore what emotional breadcrumbing is, how to spot it, and what you can do to protect yourself.

What is Emotional Breadcrumbing?

Emotional breadcrumbing happens when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you interested but never commits to a deeper connection. 

It’s like giving you crumbs of affection without ever offering the whole loaf. While it can occur in romantic relationships, it’s also common in friendships or even family dynamics.

Picture this: They send sporadic texts saying, “I miss you” or “We should catch up soon,” but they never make concrete plans. Or, they compliment you just enough to keep you hopeful but always seem busy when you want to spend quality time.

Unlike healthy relationships, where intentions are clear and consistent, breadcrumbing thrives on vagueness and mixed signals. True connections involve effort, mutual respect, and emotional reciprocity. Breadcrumbing, on the other hand, is based on control and selfishness.

Recognizing the Breadcrumbs

How do you know if someone’s breadcrumbing you? Here are some telltale signs:

  • Inconsistent communication: They might reach out frequently for a week but then vanish for days or weeks without explanation.
  • Vague promises: Phrases like “Let’s hang out soon” or “I’d love to see you one day” rarely lead to actual meetups.
  • Minimal effort: They may “like” your social media posts or send you short replies but never engage in meaningful conversations.
  • Hot and cold behavior: One moment, they seem deeply interested; the next, they’re distant and unavailable.
  • Empty flattery: They shower you with compliments but fail to follow through with actions that match their words.

Pay attention to these patterns. Breadcrumbing doesn’t show up as one big red flag—it’s a trail of little clues that leave you frustrated and unfulfilled.

The Psychology Behind It

Why would someone breadcrumb you? The reasons often have more to do with them than with you.

  • Insecurity: Some people crave attention to feel validated but lack the confidence or emotional maturity to commit.
  • Fear of commitment: They want to keep you around as an option without fully investing in the relationship.
  • Control and convenience: Breadcrumbing gives them power: they decide when and how much attention to give while keeping their emotional barriers intact.

Understanding the motivations behind breadcrumbing doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can help you see it for what it is: a reflection of their issues, not your worth.

Why Emotional Breadcrumbing Hurts

Breadcrumbing might seem harmless at first, but its long-term effects can take a serious toll on your mental and emotional well-being.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

rollercoaster of breadcrumbing in relationships and dating while being singleWhen someone breadcrumbs you, they create an illusion of possibility. You might feel excited or hopeful when they give you attention, only to be crushed when they inevitably pull away.

This cycle of highs and lows can drain you emotionally, leaving you confused and questioning what you did wrong. It’s exhausting to invest energy into a connection that never fully materializes, and over time, it can feel like a never-ending ride you can’t escape.

Impact on Self-Worth and Relationships

One of the most damaging effects of breadcrumbing is how it chips away at your self-esteem. Being fed crumbs of attention can make you feel like you’re not deserving of more, but that’s far from the truth.

Breadcrumbing can also impact future relationships. The lingering trust issues, fear of being let down again, and emotional scars can make it harder to open up to someone new. That’s why recognizing it early is so critical.

How to Spot Emotional Breadcrumbing Early

The earlier you identify breadcrumbing, the sooner you can protect yourself. Knowing the signs and trusting your gut are key.

Red Flags to Watch Forbreadcrumbing leading people on dating and relationships while single

  • Inconsistent effort: They don’t show up for you in meaningful ways or prioritize you in their life.
  • Avoidance of deep topics: Conversations stay surface-level, avoiding vulnerability or meaningful discussions.
  • Superficial flattery: Compliments without genuine connection or action, such as saying “You’re amazing” but never asking meaningful questions about your life.

These red flags often appear gradually, so it’s important to reflect on the dynamics of the relationship and be honest with yourself.

Questions to Ask Yourself

If you’re unsure whether someone is breadcrumbing you, ask yourself these questions:

  • Do their actions consistently match their words?
  • Do I feel valued and heard, or do I feel like an option?
  • Am I the one always making an effort to keep the relationship going?
  • Do I feel uplifted and fulfilled by this connection, or do I feel drained and second-guessed?

Your answers can reveal whether it’s time to set boundaries or walk away altogether.

The Role of Boundaries

Setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s essential. Let the other person know what you need from the relationship and what you won’t tolerate. For example, you might say, “I value consistent communication, and if that’s not possible for you, this won’t work for me.”

Boundaries not only protect your emotional health but also make it clear that you won’t settle for less than you deserve.

Breaking Free from Breadcrumbing

If you’ve discovered you’re in a breadcrumbing situation, it’s time to take back control of your emotional well-being.

Acknowledging the Problem

The first step is recognizing and accepting what’s happening. Don’t make excuses for the other person’s behavior. They’ve shown you who they are through their actions. Be honest with yourself, no matter how hard it feels.

Prioritizing Self-Care and Healing

Healing from breadcrumbing requires focusing on yourself. Spend time with supportive friends, journal your feelings, or consider talking to a therapist. Engage in hobbies or activities that bring you joy and self-fulfillment. The goal is to rebuild your sense of self-worth and remind yourself that you deserve meaningful, respectful connections.

Building Future Relationship Resilience

Use the experience as a lesson for the future. Learn to trust your intuition, recognize red flags, and establish boundaries early in relationships. The stronger your sense of self-worth, the harder it’ll be for anyone to breadcrumb you again.

Time to Reclaim Your Energy

Emotional breadcrumbing can feel like emotional quicksand, keeping you stuck in a cycle of hope and disappointment. But you don’t have to stay trapped. By recognizing the signs early, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your emotional health, you can protect yourself and move toward authentic, fulfilling connections.

You deserve more than crumbs. You deserve the whole loaf: someone who values, respects, and shows up for you. Trust yourself to walk away from anything less.

 

woman celebrating being single and happy without dating

10 Hidden Benefits of Being Single!

Being siwoman celebrating being single and happy without datingngle often gets lumped into an either/or narrative. You’re either looking for someone or just “enjoying the moment.”

What gets lost in all this noise are the hidden benefits of being single, advantages we rarely talk about, but ones that can truly reshape how we see ourselves and the world.

Here’s a closer look at why the single life may just be the secret source of happiness you didn’t know you had.

1. You’re in Full Control of Your Time

When you’re single, your schedule belongs to you. There’s no need to coordinate plans, check in with anyone, or compromise on how you spend your weekends. 

Feel like binge-watching your favorite series for hours or saying yes to a last-minute trip? Go for it. Every decision about your time is completely yours to make, and that kind of autonomy is powerful.

Relationships often require emotional labor and shared schedules, leaving little room for personal spontaneity. Being single gives you the gift of time to pursue what genuinely makes you happy without guilt or hesitation.

2. You Rediscover Who You Really Are

Being single gives you space to turn inward and evaluate what matters most to you, without external influences. 

You start to notice what you enjoy, not because a partner likes it, but because you do. From hobbies to values, you get to rediscover the corners of yourself that might’ve been overlooked.

This self-awareness isn’t just empowering; it lays the foundation for more fulfilling relationships if or when you decide to enter one again. Knowing yourself well ensures you bring your best, most authentic self to the table.

3. Financial Freedom is Yours

Splitting expenses or saving for joint goals can be rewarding, but being single allows you to focus solely on your personal financial priorities.

Want to splurge on a new gadget or invest in your dream course? The decision is entirely yours.

You’re not bound by anyone else’s financial habits or goals, which can sometimes be a source of tension in relationships. Singlehood is a time to build, save, and spend in ways that reflect your unique financial vision.

4. You Strengthen Other Relationshipssingle friends celebrating and having fun being single

Romantic relationships often demand a significant amount of time and energy, which can unintentionally sideline friendships and family bonds.

When you’re single, you have more space to nurture other connections in your life. This isn’t about filling a void but about truly appreciating the richness of diverse relationships.

Reach out to friends for a coffee date. Reconnect with siblings or parents you’ve missed catching up with. These relationships often deepen when you have more time to genuinely invest in them.

5. No Compromise on Career or Life Goals

Being single means your life decisions are centered around your goals alone. Want to move across the country for a dream job? 

There’s no need to factor in anyone else’s preferences. Ambitious career choices, big moves, or starting a new business come with fewer hurdles when you’re making decisions solo.

This self-centered goal setting isn’t selfish—it’s purposeful. Focusing entirely on what drives you ensures you’re building the life you truly want.

6. Your Mental Health Gets Priority

Relationships, even the best ones, come with stress. Arguments, managing expectations, and maintaining emotional intimacy can sometimes weigh heavily. 

Being single allows you the space to prioritize your mental health in ways that might not be possible otherwise.

You can develop self-care routines without interruptions, attend therapy sessions without judgment, and focus on healing past wounds. The space to grow emotionally, without the pressure of meeting someone else’s needs, is a rare and valuable gift.

7. You Can Embrace True Independence

Independence isn’t just about paying your own bills or living alone. 

It’s about knowing you’re capable of meeting your needs, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Being single forces you to learn how to stand strong on your own.

The confidence that comes from knowing you don’t need someone else is unmatched. And when you eventually choose to share your life with someone, it’ll be from a place of strength, not necessity.

8. You’re Free to Explore Without Limitsperson happy single gardening doing hobbies

Being single is the ultimate green light for exploration. 

Whether it’s testing out new hobbies, pursuing different interests, or traveling solo to places you’ve always dreamed of, your options are wide open.

Without the constraints of someone else’s preferences or plans, you can try things you’ve never done before. This kind of freedom often leads to personal discoveries you might’ve never stumbled on in a relationship.

9. You Build a Stronger Relationship With Yourself

At the heart of all the benefits of being single is this: It’s the ultimate time to grow your relationship with yourself. 

You learn to enjoy your own company, celebrate your wins, and sit with your thoughts without distraction.

This isn’t about self-love as a catchphrase; it’s about genuinely knowing that you are enough just as you are. Cultivating this level of self-acceptance carries into every future relationship, making them healthier and more balanced.

10. You Develop a Deeper Appreciation for Future Relationships

Ironically, being single can help you better understand what you want in a relationship. 

Without the distraction of being in one, you can reflect on your past experiences, understand what worked, and identify what didn’t.

This clarity ensures you’re not settling for “good enough” down the line. You’ll enter any future relationships with a clearer understanding of your needs, boundaries, and desires.

Being Single has its Perks

Being single isn’t a stopgap or a temporary inconvenience, it’s a season with its own beauty and purpose. 

The hidden upsides of single life can shape you into a stronger, happier person, ready to take on whatever comes next. So instead of looking at singlehood as something to escape, see it as a time to embrace and celebrate.

Your relationship status doesn’t define your worth. What defines you is how you choose to live, grow, and thrive…single or not.

single woman happy on top of a mountain

Boundary Bubble & Fourth Date Day

It’s that time of year… Mariah Carey has her Santa hat on and Starbucks has changed their cup color to red.

The holidays are a magical moment when family comes together and people celebrate. But the same things that make it so great can create some strain – like cramped spaces, a little too much booze and overly nosey visitors.

You know what you need my friend? Boundaries. Both to make it through the crush of cuffing season and to make it through another holiday with well-intentioned family and friends.

And that’s why we have relationship and recovery coach Dufflyn Lammers joining Damona this week. She’ll be outlining how to set healthy boundaries with your loved ones AND dates so you can have a happy and healthy holiday season.

DATING DISH (1:55)

Just FYI, your fourth date should absolutely be a day-date.

A new article from Cosmopolitan Magazine gives several reasons to go for the day-date during your fourth meetup. Firstly, the fourth date is still early enough that if red flags come up during the date, you can make your exit. The day-date also provides less pressure to dress to perfection or play up the sex appeal. And unless you’re doing mimosas for brunch, you can’t hide behind alcohol during a day-date. You can also escape that pre-date anxiety since you’re not waiting around all day.

Damona is a fan for a different reason – the day-date gives you a deeper understanding of your matches’ personality. The goal of the first three dates is to give and receive as much authenticity as possible. So going out for lunch, coffee, a hike etc. is more likely to create opportunities for connection than hiding behind a few drinks.

Additionally, Damona gives tips for why activity dates (aka bowling, mini golf, hiking) can play a role in feeling more attracted to your match…

 

**REMINDER: Our big cuffing season giveaway with OkCupid is still on through December 15!!! Just share this episode or your fav episode of Dates and Mates to social media, then tag Damona (@damonahoffman) and OkCupid (@okcupid) for a chance to win three FREE months of OKCupid Premium.

 

DUFFLYN LAMMERS (10:55)

Dufflyn Lammers is a relationship and recovery coach with over 10 years of experience. More specifically, she’s trained in attachment repair, tantra, intervention, and personal coaching.

She has published and performed for the LA Times, In The Rooms, The Fix, She Recovers Foundation, The International Conference on Addiction and Associated Disorders, National Association for Poetry Therapy, HBO, NBC, and the Hollywood Fringe Festival.

(12:00) Learn to voice your expectations.

Defining our boundaries can take time, but as Dufflyn observes, “that’s the big thing that boundaries give us is an opportunity to be our authentic selves.”

When we know our boundaries but don’t express them, we often end up in situations where we feel disrespected or betrayed. But how can the other person have an opportunity to show up for us if we don’t let them know what we expect? Set up your expectation, and THEN see how that person shows up.

(16:36) Boundaries are gates, not walls.

We set up boundaries around others to protect ourselves and make us feel safe, right? But that doesn’t mean we can’t be flexible. Dufflyn compares boundaries as being alike to gates rather than walls, which more easily allow us to come together with another human who isn’t us. “When two people come together, there’s always negotiation. We say these are my standards and boundaries and these are the other person’s. Do they match?”

Dufflyn also maps the different levels of boundaries, and explains how setting boundaries is a kind thing to do for ourselves AND other people.

(23:25) The MOST common myths about boundaries.

The top misconception Dufflyn hears about boundaries is that maintaining boundaries will hurt people’s feelings. “The truth is when we stop pleasing people, people aren’t pleased, right? But the fact that they’re not pleased doesn’t mean that we should trash our boundaries. It might actually mean the opposite – that this was overdue. Or that they’re uncomfortable.”

Damona asks if there’s a right and wrong way to express our boundaries. There is no right and wrong way, but only the most compassionate way. Dufflyn’s strategy is to “top and tail” your boundary. A.K.A. Top it (acknowledge the other person), then express your boundary, and finally tail it (how you will take action or collaborate with the other person).

(31:24) Let’s regulate these emotions…

One of the biggest obstacles we may face when setting boundaries is unregulated emotions. Because it’s really hard to place a boundary when family members or other people are pushing against them, right? Dufflyn adds, “If you’ve got two people that are both dysregulated, they’re not going to be able to regulate one another, which is the primary way that we find regulation, right? It’s co-regulation with another person.”

So how do we emotionally regulate in those moments? By having a few people who we can rely on to help us emotionally regulate, rather than relying solely on our partners, matches or a family member. Not sure who to call? Dufflyn likes to imagine the conversation ahead of time. She says, “Before I dial, I think, will this person make me feel regulated?”

 

Be sure to follow Dufflyn on Instagram @Dufflyn. Dufflyn has also created a FREE guide for Dates & Mates listeners – The 8 Top Tips for Getting Through the Holidays With Boundaries. 

 

And if you want to work with Dufflyn ASAP, her new workshop Boundaries Are The New Black is going LIVE on Saturday December 17, 2022 at 7PM CET.

 

DEAR DAMONA (40:48)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

 

  • Email from Anonymous – Dear Damona, I am a 25 year old female and I have been putting a lot of effort into online dating recently and have been challenging myself to go on at least one date per week. So far there is one trend that I run into a lot while talking to men online and that is they don’t ask me questions about myself. I will ask them a question like what is your favorite genre of music for example and they will respond with a long paragraph but then not think to ask me the question in return. It really frustrates me because I feel as though this is a lack of awareness and interest in me and it really turns me off. It really is a dealbreaker. Am I overreacting? Is there a way I can communicate this without sounding overly negative and judgmental? I don’t know what to do and I am tired of carrying the conversation and not getting the same effort in return. Thank you!

Gender Wars & Broken Picker

Gender norms are evolving rapidly but online there still seems to be a lot of rhetoric circulating about things like alpha males and high value women. 

And while there is no doubt that there are certain characteristics of these labels that are valued by many, like a strong work ethic or being accountable, I’ve been wondering if these terms and the online communities that seem to be building around them are driving us further away from authentic love and true understanding between the sexes.

And that’s why we have one of the hottest multi-platform content creators, Chris Thompson, here to break down the gender war he’s witnessing online and to share his methods for coming back to a place of peace. 

DATING DISH (1:35)

Should dating references be required in online dating?

We all go to Yelp for reviews on new restaurants – but what if you could do the same thing for potential dates? A recent article from Refinery29 makes the case for why dating references should become the new norm in online dating. The article cites a lot of scary statistics about the potential dangers of online dating – but Damona wants you to remember that it’s really unlikely that some of these extreme situations will happen to you. More likely, your worst case scenario will be realizing you and your date are incredibly incompatible.

But if something does happen to you, report this user to the app immediately! Because there’s no way that apps can police toxic or dangerous behavior if we’re not reporting it.

P.S. If you’re really nervous about online catfishing, listen to Damona’s interview with Kamie Crawford, co-host of MTV’s hit show Catfish. She shares her top tips on how to research your matches before you meet IRL. 

 

**If you’re looking for a little more discovery in your dating life, try out Damona’s FREE Profile Starter Kit to magnetize your dating profile. (This won’t be free forever, so get it while you can!!)

 

CHRIS THOMPSON (11:40)

Chris Thompson is a veteran of the influencer industry and has an audience of over 2 million. He also hosts the podcast, Unfiltered Friends, where he helps your favorite creators tell their personal stories.

(12:15) Let’s end the Gender Wars.

The dominant theme amidst Chris’s social media content is discussing gender roles (or breaking down the “Gender Wars”). When we say “gender wars,” we are referring to the strict thinking that men must support men and women must support women, solely. In this line of thinking, people tend to blame the opposite gender for their horrible dating experiences. Chris believes that this divide is mostly created when we project our dating disappointment & resentment onto each other.

Chris also gives details about his experience interviewing someone who has narcissistic personality disorder, and how our mainstream fantasies about love actually allow narcissistic people to manipulate us more easily. (Say whaaaat?)

(22:38) Look beyond the checklist.

When dating apps give us access to more matches than we could ask for, it’s great to be specific about what you’re looking for in a partner. But if our must-haves consist of mainly surface level qualities, sticking with this checklist can begin to dehumanize our matches. Make sure your must-have qualities help determine your long-term compatibility with someone, and allow potential partners to be included in the building of your relationship. 

Chris and Damona also discuss (and debunk) the idea of what it means to be a “high value” woman or man.

(28:30) Alpha-male atrocity…

Let’s get one thing straight – Alpha-male culture is ridiculous and should not be seen as an exemplary approach towards dating. That being said, there is a reason why so many men have continued to gravitate towards the Alpha Male persona. Damona believes that this attraction comes from a place of pain and feeling as though they are not enough. Chris states that in order to alieve the toxic symptoms of alpha-male culture, we must approach the situation with compassion. 

**Note: compassion does NOT mean validation. Of course alpha-male culture tends to validate really crappy and toxic behavior, which is never okay. But the more we can understand where toxic behavior is coming from, the more we can help to heal it.

 

Be sure to follow Chris on Instagram and TikTok @SupDaily and check out his podcast, Unfiltered Friends, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.

 

DEAR DAMONA (46:10)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

 

IG Message from E – Hi Damona – help! I discovered your podcast a few months ago and listen a few times a week when I walk. I go on lots of dates. Men usually ask me out on a second and third date. I have actually turned down numerous opportunities with nice guys who want a relationship. I’m not attracted to most of the guys I date! What do I do? Am I picking the wrong people? I find the really attractive guys are often jerks or have very different values (like very conservative, anti-abortion, that sort of thing). I’m starting to wonder – is it me? Is it my selection strategy?

Sexual Attraction & Post-Divorce Dating

Whether or not you’ve been through a bad breakup, we can all agree that no one gets into a relationship intending to call it quits. But unfortunately people sometimes grow apart to the point where the best thing for them to do is to split. 

It really depends on the situation, but just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean your love story is over. You’re just moving on to your next chapter!

And that’s why we have best-selling author and relationship coach, Jennifer Hurvitz, joining Damona today. She will share her personal experience and outline how to return to dating after a big breakup.

DATING DISH (1:45)

What you should know if there’s no sexual attraction for your partner, according to a therapist:

You go on a first date with someone you’ve been chatting with, and it goes great! A few more dates pass by and you eventually decide to take things to the bedroom… only to find out that your sexual connection may not be up to par with your romantic one. Now what??

Well according to a recent CNN article, a lot more goes into physical attraction than we realize. Dr. Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute notes that physical attractiveness “doesn’t actually top the list for men or women… traits like intelligence, humor, honesty and kindness are often at least as important, if not more.” The article also points out that in hetero relationships, men more often internalize an “either/or” view of women– those who make great wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous.

All that being said, can sexual attraction make or break a relationship? Damona observes that in current dating culture, there’s a big difference between “I can do what I want to do and experience pleasure without labels” (which we’re all for), and “I am pursuing pleasure at my own expense and not getting my core needs met.” Damona explains how to build more awareness of this, and why sex actually gets better the more you get to know your partner.

JENNIFER HURVITZ (10:14)

Jennifer Hurvitz is a relationship expert and dating coach. She is the best-selling author of “Midlife Priceless: A Dating Coach’s Guide to *Finally* Doing Relationships Right” and the host of the podcast Doing Relationships Right.

(12:40) The hardest thing about dating after divorce.

There are many aspects that make dating after divorce difficult, from rediscovering your sense of self to becoming intimate with a new person. But Jennifer shares what the biggest hurdle was for her – “I don’t know why I get so emotional and talk about it. But it’s really frightening to do it all again, after you think you’re with this one person forever.”

Part of Jennifer’s journey back into dating was accepting that you don’t have to be the perfect version of yourself in order to put yourself out there. Because realistically, we are never going to be the ABSOLUTE perfect version of ourselves. The only thing you can be prepared to do is put trust in who you are, and take that first leap into the dating pool.

Jennifer also gives tips on how you should go about revealing your relationship history (especially if your history is kind of a complicated one).

(18:00) D.A.T.E.

Much like Damona discussed with family therapist Jordan Green last week, Jennifer also likes to break down the dating process into four different stages, which she calls D.A.T.E. – Decide, Attract, Trust, and Evolve. “You decide who you want to go out with, you attract (or you realize you’re not attracted to the person). And then basically, you either trust them or you don’t. And then you evolve together.” 

Jennifer points out that the Decide phase is crucial, because it is the catalyst for growth in your dating journey. Deciding not only refers to deciding to pursue a specific person, but also speaks to making the choice to date AT ALL (that’s that first leap we referred to before). 

Damona and Jennifer also discuss why it’s important to choose your boundaries instead of choosing to “go with the flow” in social situations.

(26:25) Trust & time.

Developing trust is a slippery slope that, in dating, we have to learn to bounce back from. But Jennifer poses a great question – do you trust until someone gives you a reason not to trust them? Or do you go in not trusting and they have to prove themselves?

Jennifer believes that in order to develop trust in any relationship, time has to be a core factor. Because no one can create a really solid foundation overnight, especially if you’re coming out of a situation like a divorce or breakup where you’ve already been burned. 

Side note: did you know that in some states, if you’re dating someone who is separated, that person’s partner can sue you?? Jennifer breaks down the legalities of dating someone who is separated and why these laws exist.

 

Be sure to follow Jennifer on Instagram @DoingRelationshipsRight and check out her book, ‘Midlife Priceless: A Dating Coach’s Guide to *Finally* Doing Relationships Right.’ And, listen to Doing Relationships Right wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.

 

DEAR DAMONA 

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from M – Dear Damona: First off, I love, love, LOVE your podcast! Your energy is amazing! So, I’ve been divorced for 12 years, had off and on relationships that typically ended when the guys cheated or were commitment phobes. I’ve finally met someone, and we’ve been dating for 3 months now. My question to you is when do we know if we’re being too picky, unrealistic, or holding onto an idealized connection that may never materialize? On paper, my boyfriend is great. We enjoy each other’s company, but already things are a bit mundane. The sex isn’t great, but it’s not the focus of our connection (that’s where I’ve messed up in the past). I just really desire someone who stirs my soul, but that hasn’t happened yet with someone who desires a committed relationship (that desire usually only happens with f*ck boys).

 

Dating App Identity & Partner Power Struggles

Dating happens in stages, but did you know that relationships do too? We’re not just talking about the traditional path of dating, committing and getting married. There’s more to it than that, a whole lot more.

And that is why we’ve got family therapist Jordan Green on Dates & Mates today.  She’ll be breaking down the 5 stages of every relationship to help you navigate the ups and downs that come with time. After all, no relationship is perfect.

And the timing is perfect too! It’s Thanksgiving week here in the U.S. and some of you might be accelerating your relationship to the next level by blending families this holiday… or you might need to “Define the Relationship” after spending a week dodging questions from nosy family members. Either way, we give thanks to you for listening to this episode.

DATING DISH (1:45)

The No. 1 thing that makes relationships successful:

Have y’all ever heard of the Gottman Institute? I bet you have. The Gottman Institute was co-founded by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman and helps provide practical, research-based tools to strengthen relationships. (Just for perspective, the Gottmans have studied over 40,000 couples.)

In a recent article for CNBC, John and Julie Gottman shared the number one factor they’ve nailed down for relationship success – turning toward your partner instead of turning away. Basically, turning toward your partner is acknowledging them and engaging with their attempt to connect. These attempts could show up as making eye contact with you, giving you a smile, asking you for help, or even just saying good morning. On the other hand, turning away is actively ignoring or not noticing your partner’s attempt to make a connection. And even more detrimental is turning against, which is irritably or angrily shutting down their attempt to connect.

It seems simple enough, and Damona says it all boils down to just having good communication (which is one of D’s four pillars of long-term compatibility – shared goals, shared values, trust, & communication/conflict resolution). Remember that we are not born knowing how to communicate, but we can always practice it. 

Read the article for tips on how to practice turning toward…

 JORDAN GREEN (11:20)

Jordan Green is a family therapist and the founder and CEO of Remble, a relationship improvement and mental health app.

Before that, Jordan founded and managed a membership community called The Love Group, which offered monthly courses and collaborated with therapists from around the world.

(12:00) A little more about Remble…

Being a therapist herself, Jordan says she has received tons of DM’s from women who were struggling in their relationships and seeking advice, but were not inspired to sign up for any of the preexisting therapy websites. 

This led her to launch Remble, an app which collaborates with therapists from around the world to offer courses, daily short-form videos, journaling prompts, and even on-hand conversation questions that you can ask during your date.

(16:07) Unfolding the 5 relationship stages.

Jordan offers up some insight from psychologist and author Dr. Susan Campbell, who pinpointed the five stages we all experience in a relationship after doing a study with hundreds of couples. 

Those five stages are: 1) Romance, 2) Power Struggle, 3) Stability, 4) Commitment, and 5) Co-creation.

Damona asks Jordan to clarify what happens in the power struggle stage & why it’s important. (Spoiler alert: this is the stage where couples either break up, or push through and become stronger.)

(21:21) Codependent vs. interdependent vs. independent

Jordan states that in all relationships – “there’s me, there’s you, and then there’s us. But in a healthy relationship, ideally, you have a good balance between all those parts.” And, that balance is where you will find interdependence. Jordan goes through the challenges that one might face when being too codependent or independent, and what you can do to rebalance yourself in your relationships with others.

(26:30) Is the bar too high?

We are Team Dating App all the way, but Damona brings up the observation that sometimes people focus too acutely on having certain things in common. Instead of focusing so much on whether they like tennis or not, think more about the questions that matter. Like – what is this person’s character? What values are important to them? What are some of the characteristics and qualities that I see in them that I’m actually looking for in a partner? Nails down these answers, and then let go of your attachment to exactly what that has to look like.

(32:17) Wants, needs, and boundaries.

Communicating can be really hard. And if healthy communication wasn’t modeled for us growing up, trying to express hard feelings can accidentally come out as criticism. So Damona asks Jordan for any wise words regarding expressing boundaries and what you need. 

She shares a simple formula for communicating your feelings – I feel [blank] about [blank], and I need [blank]. “This helps the other person to understand how you feel, and it gives them a recipe for how they can best support you…”

 

Be sure to follow Jordan on Instagram @the.love.therapist and check out the Remble app!

 

 

DEAR DAMONA 

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from Nikki – Hi there. I’m 51 and would love to be in a meaningful relationship in the next year. I’ve been single for 11 years. My son is 13 now and I’m ready. Do you have any specific tips for Bumble? That seems like a healthy place for professionals to meet other professionals. Thanks for the work you do!

 

Financial Love Languages & Dating Against Type

Real talk: when was the last time you discussed money on a date? Probably never. It’s always a taboo topic – until the check comes. It’s time we destigmatize talking about money on a date. 

And that’s why we have best-selling author and host of the Money Rehab podcast, Nicole Lapin, joining us on Dates & Mates today. She will be outlining how to navigate the conversation and develop a financial love language for a happier, healthier and more secure relationship.

 

DATING DISH (1:40)

Do you have a type? Maybe what you think you want and what you actually prefer don’t match up.

A recent study from the University of Toronto has us questioning if having a “type” is really all that legit. According to the study, the qualities that we think we like in a partner depend on the social context in which we encounter these qualities. For example, you attend a great party and the people there happen to be really funny. Then you come away thinking, “gosh, I prefer funny people.” But it was really just a great party.

Andre Wang, one of the co-authors of the study, said “it could be that people are so constrained by their own ideas about liking, that they are limiting their dating pool.” But good news – understanding the distinction between what we think we like vs what actually drives us to like someone can actually be a useful tool!

Damona describes how this reaction is actually related to something called “the familiarity principle” and how gravitating toward what’s familiar may be part of our biological attraction towards safety.

NICOLE LAPIN (11:50)

Nicole Lapin is a financial journalist, television news anchor and businesswoman known for her work on CNBC, CNN, Bloomberg and MSNBC. 

Nicole is also a New York Times bestselling author of four books, including her most recent one “Miss Independent: A Simple 12-Step Plan to Start Investing and Grow Your Own Wealth.” She is also the host of the podcast Money Rehab where she rehabs your wallet so you can get your financial life together.

(14:20) Financial first-date etiquette.

Damona and Nicole dive into the classic first-date debate – who picks up the check? And is there a certain etiquette we should be aware of when talking about money on a first date? 

Nicole shares that you can actually get a glimpse of someone’s financial situation and habits by asking them about their goals. “Goals have price tags… It’s timing, it’s tone, it’s turf. It’s having a glass of wine, talking about your hopes and dreams, and then getting into sort of how you’re going to pay for those hopes and dreams. Versus, you know, approaching it in an aggressive way.”

(20:15) A question of property.

Damona gets Nicole’s thoughts on what it means for a woman to own property (which is often rumored to be a turn-off). Nicole points out that “I think it’s just not the right person if it’s a turn off. There will be a person for whom it’s a turn on.”

Women have also expressed to Damona that if they own property or make investments, they’re afraid their partner may see this as a free ride. To that Nicole says: “I think that is about being really clear whether or not you want somebody who makes the same amount of money as you or more or whatever. “ 

Plus, Nicole breaks down the difference between good debt (there’s such a thing?) & bad debt.

(25:13) We all have financial trauma.

Our individual relationships to money are as unique as our upbringings. Which is why Nicole says we all have our own version of financial trauma. There is bigger trauma like having your house foreclosed on or family members being in debt, but Nicole also says that financial trauma can be vicarious. “It can be in your friend group. Like do a lot of your friends have a bunch of debt? Do they hide purchases from their significant others?” This all affects your FQ (financial intelligence).

Nicole also explains how to deal with a financial imbalance in your relationship (hint: there will be an imbalance in EVERY relationship).

(28:40) What to ask before move-in day…

The relationship expectations for moving in together have definitely shifted over the years – now everyone feels the freedom to go by their own timeline. But does this affect the kinds of financial conversations we should be having before merging homes? Nicole says the foremost thing to be aware of is knowing whose name the bills are under. “I’ve seen women in particular get screwed in one of two ways. Either the bills are under somebody else’s name, and so they’re not accumulating credit. Or the bills are under their name and they’re not getting paid, so their credit is getting screwed.”

(32:45) Setting yourself up for success.

So is there something more we should be doing to set ourselves up for financial (and in turn romantic) success? Nicole states that compound interest is our best friend, although we are familiar with it when it works against us through credit cards. Nicole also shares her favorite spending plan called The Three E’s – essentials, endgame, and extras.

Learn more about Nicole at NicoleLapin.com & be sure to follow her on Instagram @NicoleLapin for more investment tips.

 

DEAR DAMONA 

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from B – I met a nice guy on a dating app. We’ve had wonderful conversations. The problem is when we did our first video chat, I noticed he has rotten teeth. I do NOT see myself kissing him. What do I do?

 

Dating Dance Cards & Catch a Catfish

It’s officially cuffing season folks! The days are shorter and colder, and many of us are feeling that urge to spend more time cozying up in a warm place. And we may want to cozy up with a partner. So that’s exactly what cuffing season is. It’s a reference to being handcuffed or tied to one partner up before your imagination goes wild. It’s not the kinky kind. It’s just the partnership kind. 

That’s why we have MTV’s Catfish co-host and host of the podcast Relationsh*t, Kamie Crawford, joining us today. She’ll be bringing you up to speed on all things dating, from the apps to catfishing and beyond, so that we can get YOU cuffed.

ROMANCE ROLLBACK (2:40)

We’re bringing back a classic Dates & Mates segment: Romance Rollback! 

If you’re new to this segment, Damona will be taking a classic romance, dating, courtship, or relationship tradition that you may or may not have heard of – we’ll tell you what it is, how it worked and what we can apply from the customs of yesteryear to today’s dating and relationship scene.

Dance cards: A classic ballroom custom

Have you ever heard the phrase “my dance card is full”? This is in reference to the 1830s ballroom tradition. Basically, a dance card was a card that was provided at large balls with a list of chosen dances for the evening & a blank space beside each dance. Ladies each had a card and when a gentleman asked her to dance, he would write his name in the space for a particular agreed upon dance.

Damona dives into how dance cards came into fashion, lists off some other ballroom etiquette of the time and breaks down the modern love lessons we can learn from them.

KAMIE CRAWFORD (14:00)

Kamie Crawford is a television host, podcast host and model. She co-hosts the MTV hit series, Catfish, and hosts the amazing podcast Relationsh*t, an advice podcast that covers all relationship topics – the good, the bad and the straight up sh*tty.

**Want to hear some Valentine’s Day do’s & don’ts? It may seem a ways out, but is it ever to early to prepare?  Check out Damona on the Relationsh*t podcast with Kamie Crawford here!

(14:50) Friends can catfish too??

Having been co-hosting MTV’s Catfish since 2019, it makes sense that Kamie would have some firsthand experience with catfishing. But what surprised Damona is that it wasn’t a potential match that was misleading her – it was her close friend and roommate! According to Kamie, her friend had faked an engagement, posted about a fiancé that didn’t exist, and posed as traveling to a bunch of different countries.

Moral of the story: You can even be catfished by people that you know in real life, so don’t blame yourself if you couldn’t see it beforehand. 

Kamie also gives us the scoop on how she researches potential matches before meeting them IRL (hint: Google is your friend).

(20:47) Dating profile red flags

Kamie and Damona discuss the bizarre pictures they’ve both seen on dating profiles. Remember that you should be the star of your dating profile, because whoever matches with you is going to be dating YOU – not your dog, not your group of best friends, not your friend’s baby. So make sure that your pictures are always showcasing parts of your personality.

 (29:00) What is the Texting Trap?

It’s one thing to have really great texting banter with someone, but it’s another thing if you never actually meet in person. This is what Damona calls the “Texting Trap” – when you and your match are endlessly messaging back and forth but never actually make plans to talk on the phone, Zoom, or meet in person. 

Damona and Kamie talk about the importance of in-person chemistry, and how “90% of your dating problems are going to be solved if you do a phone call or a quick video chat before you meet.”

 

Be sure to follow Kamie on Instagram @KamieCrawford and listen to the Relationsh*t Podcast wherever you listen to Dates & Mates. 

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:35)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from Renee – Hi Damona! I am a young widow – it’s been almost two years since my husband passed away (we were married for 13 years). Although I’m on instagram and etcetera, I am 100% new to dating apps and have been extremely reluctant to join one. However, I’m very restless at this point (not to mention horny) and have finally decided maybe I should try one (or two or three). I think I just need to date and not take it so seriously (as in looking for a hubby) since I’m sure I still am working through the loss in my own way. Do you have any tips for someone in my situation?

Building Trust & New Partner Nerves

Relationships are trial and error, a learning curve, a journey. Each date brings new experiences and a little (or maybe a lot) more self-awareness. You start to develop a sense of your needs and wants, establish your boundaries, and navigate towards a partner that shares your goals and values.

But the story doesn’t end once you find your partner. In fact, it’s always being written. 

That’s the joy in love AND the reason Dr. Pia Holec, one of the experts from Married At First Sight, will be joining us today. She will be sharing tips on how to expand trust and build intimacy with a partner for a healthier, more satisfying relationship.

DATING DISH (1:52)

Toxic forgiveness – is it really possible to forgive and forget?:

Have y’all ever heard of Red Table Talk, the talk show led by Jada Pinkett Smith & her daughter Willow? During a recent episode, Jada and Willow had Will’s ex-wife, Cherie, on the show to clear the air about some things that rubbed each other the wrong way from way back (and to potentially forgive & forget). They did this all with the help of relationship expert Nedra Glover Tawwab, but you might know her from Instagram. 

In her new book, Nedra coined the term “toxic forgiveness.” So our friends at PopSugar asked, what exactly is toxic forgiveness? According to Nedra, it is the unhealthy way we pretend to be “over it” in an effort to move on quicker. 

Damona goes over why we feel in such a hurry to forgive when we’re not ready, and poses a thoughtful question – who is our forgiveness really for?

 

DR. PIA HOLEC (8:20)

Dr. Pia Holec is a psychologist, sex therapist, relationship guru and speaker. And to top it all off, she was an expert this year on the 15th Season of Lifetime’s “Married at First Sight.”

(9:22) The relationships of Married At First Sight.

Being in a relationship is one thing, but starting a relationship through a reality show is a completely different ball game. Besides the relationships on MAFS undergoing an extremely accelerated process, Dr. Pia also has to ask her clients on the show – what are you willing to do in order to make this work?

Plus, Dr. Pia gives us the 4 biggest factors that are affecting relationships and the way we communicate today.

(13:04) Being prepared for a relationship.

Damona believes that you have to prepare for the relationship that you want to have, and Dr. Pia says that being single (or living in your “single season”) is the perfect time to prepare. “Your single season is the time to work on yourself, so that you can be a fully formed adult when entering into a relationship… Conflict arises and issues come up when you’re expecting your partner to complete you, or help you figure out what you want and what you need.”

Dr. Pia also shares the kinds of questions you should ask yourself to be relationship-ready.

(15:38) Defining trust.

Sometimes the biggest hurdle we have to jump when dating is learning to trust someone. Damona defines trust as “when you see that someone’s words match their actions consistently over time.” Dr. Pia continues that trust is usually what we equate with safety.

She adds that when it comes to trust, “your feelings are real… they’re not always based in facts, though.” Dr. Pia helps her clients and couples on MAFS cultivate trust by grounding themselves in the present moment. This way, they are able to take a pause on their emotions and focus solely on the facts of a situation.

Dr. Pia describes the power in naming our own trauma (and how to do it).

(21:00) Is your therapist third-wheeling?

We LOVE that everyone is so open about going to therapy these days (according to the stats at Hinge & OkCupid, people are actually more likely to swipe right if you go therapy). But for those who are not as comfortable sharing our mental health journey on our dating profile, Damona asks Dr. Pia for some advice on bringing up this topic with new matches.

Dr Pia says: Just put it out there in the open. Acknowledging that you go to therapy won’t feel awkward if we don’t let it feel awkward, right? It’s a beautiful thing to be in touch with your emotions… And if that person judges you for bringing up mental health early on in dating, then chances are they’re not your person!

(26:55) Is it love bombing, or are they just being honest?

If you haven’t heard, love bombing happens when someone showers you with attention or affection to gain your trust, in order to manipulate or control you. It sounds scary, but it’s very easy to stop love bombing in its tracks if you know what to look out for.

Our gut and intuition will almost always tell us what’s up. But if you’d like more proof that your spidey senses are correct, try asking yourself these questions:

❓Are they only saying nice things?

❓Are they trying to isolate you from your family?

❓Do they use phrasing like you were meant for each other or belong together?

❓Do you feel a sense of safety with this person?

❓How do I feel with this person? Then ask – how do I feel when I’m NOT with this person?

 

Check out Married At First Sight on Lifetime and follow Dr. Pia on Instagram @SexDrPia for more of her amazing advice.

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:35)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from Emily – ​​I had breast cancer and a lumpectomy in 2020. I wasn’t dating actively before my diagnosis, but this year I decided to start actively looking. I have been on the dating apps and talking to people. When do I tell the person I am getting to know about my cancer? I have scars on my body I can’t hide if I choose to be intimate. I also have side effects from my radiation. Nobody talks about life and dating after cancer treatment. How does a 48 yr old never married, no kids kinda woman navigate the dating world?

 

Halloween Dating Horror & Crimes of the Heart

This week’s episode of Dates & Mates is gonna get a little spookier than usual… because it’s almost Halloween!

This is one of our favorite times of the year here at Dates & Mates, because we all get to dress up, get creative and find a sense of play. 

Give yourself permission to get a little weird this year. It’s okay. In fact, it’s often something people are attracted to, both platonically and romantically.

If you prefer to stay in, try making some spooky cookies and listening to a Halloween themed playlist. But if you want to get out and get dressed up with a friend, then we’ve got some of the TOP costumes for couples coming up!

Then actress, singer-songwriter, and host of the podcast, Crimes of the Heart, Rory Uphold will be joining us to share her dating horror stories and the lessons she’s learned from them.

DATING DISH (2:45)

Costumes ideas that are cute, but not the nauseating kind of cute:

Damona gives us her fav suggestions on this year’s top Halloween costumes.

Hot tip: Damona notes that costume pics work GREAT in dating profiles. They show your sensibility, your sense of humor, what cultural references you lean towards, and that you don’t take yourself too seriously. 

**If this Halloween tip piqued your interest, you’ll be amazed at what else Damona has to share about your dating profile in the FREE Profile Starter Kit. Click here to check it out.

 

DATING HORROR STORIES FT. RORY UPHOLD (12:05)

 

Rory Uphold is the host of Crimes of the Heart, a podcast where singles and couples share their most tragic and embarrassing love, dating and sex stories. She is also an actress and a singer-songwriter.

(12:05) The parallels between love & horror

Rory shared how she happened upon hosting a crime/horror podcast about love (and how the two feelings are more alike than you may think). 

Plus, Roy and Damona discuss what defines a “dating horror story.” Because sometimes the scariest thing of all is waking up next to someone you DEFINITELY regret gettin’ it on with.

(15:55) YOUR Dating Horror Stories

Damona and Rory dive into some frightful dating stories submitted by five Dates & Mates listeners, then give their thoughts on what went wrong. These tales include:

🎃A weirdly ambiguous accent… (16:47)

🎃A chin-to-forehead tongue kiss… (27:00)

🎃A man on all fours… (34:05)

🎃Kissing a waiter on the lips… (36:00)

🎃Fire-throwing in a park… (40:10)

 

Be sure to follow Rory on Instagram @ICouldBeBlonder and check out her podcast, Crimes of the Heart, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.



DEAR DAMONA

There is no Dear Damona segment this week. But you can submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook to hear Damona’s answers live on a future show. 👏