Tag Archive for: LTR

Master Class: Overcoming Dating Burnout

 

If you’ve been feeling exhausted, unmotivated, or just plain over it when it comes to your love life, you’re not alone. In fact, dating burnout is  such a hot topic that Damona is dedicating this entire masterclass episode to tackling this dating dilemma head-on.

In this special episode, we dive deep into why so many daters are feeling burned out in their search for love. From the evolving landscape of dating apps to the challenges of meeting people IRL, we’re covering it all. 

Don’t worry, this isn’t just another doom-and-gloom conversation about modern dating. Damona is here to light a fire under your love life and help you rise from the ashes of dating burnout. By the end of this episode, you’ll be ready to jump back into the dating pool with renewed energy and a fresh perspective.

What the heck is dating burnout? (0:57)

Why does swiping left and right feel more exhausting than exhilarating these days? 

Dating burnout is more than just feeling tired of the dating scene – it’s a real phenomenon affecting singles everywhere. You’re not alone if you’ve been feeling less than enthusiastic about your dating app notifications lately!

What exactly is dating burnout, and why does it matter? Understanding this could be a game-changer for your love life.

(1:29) Why NOW?

We live in a time of unprecedented connectivity, yet paradoxically, forming meaningful connections has never been more challenging. 

From the constant ping of dating apps to the recent shifts in how these platforms operate, the landscape of love is evolving faster than ever.

But what’s really behind this wave of dating fatigue? Is it just about too many options, or is there something deeper at play? 

What are the real reasons behind the current dating burnout crisis? Hint: it’s not what you might expect.

(4:17) Dating is like a muscle – use it or lose it!

After spending so much time in isolation, many singles are finding their dating skills a bit rusty. It’s not just about getting back out there; it’s about relearning how to connect in meaningful ways, both online and in person.

But is all this effort worth it? Absolutely. Staying “comfortably single” often means we’re actually in tremendous discomfort.

The person you choose to partner with can impact every aspect of your life. Despite the challenges and potential for burnout, rediscovering the joy in dating is a journey worth taking. It’s time to flex those dating muscles agai

(7:35) Let’s talk facts…

Dating app usage is down across the board. But here’s the surprising part – people aren’t actually leaving the apps. Instead, they’re falling into what we call “zombie dating.” It’s a state of mindless swiping and endless, go-nowhere conversations.

But don’t delete those apps just yet! The solution isn’t to abandon ship, it’s to practice better “dating hygiene.” 

What’s that, you ask? It’s all about using these tools more mindfully and effectively.

(10:44) How do we actually fix dating burnout?

It turns out the solution might be counterintuitive.

Instead of pulling back, it’s about getting strategic and connecting more deeply. We’re talking about tracking your progress, forming a “connector circle,” and even creating a comprehensive dating plan.

But here’s the real kicker – the antidote to dating apathy might just be empathy.

 

Do you have questions? Damona has the answers!

Don’t forget you can submit your dating and relationship questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Dear Damona: Soberish & First Date Rut

 

This week’s all Dear Damona special is tackling your SOS dating situations.

How do you juggle family importance while prioritizing relationships? What’s the best way to find a more laid-back match in a buzzing drinking culture? And the classic problem: you’ve done the work but can’t seem to attract someone who’s done the same. From family dynamics to social scene struggles, we’re answering it all.

Get ready for some real talk on breaking dating patterns and attracting the right energy. This isn’t just an advice column come to life; it’s your roadmap through the wild world of modern love. 

Let’s turn those dating distress signals into smooth sailing!

Dear Damona (2:56)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona answer YOUR question live in a future episode!

 

(3:01) Email from a listener named Briana:

Hi Damona,I love your podcast and book and appreciate your dating advice! 

I wanted to write in since I recently have been going out on good first dates where the men seem interested (I am, too), we have a connection, talk about seeing each other again, and then I get ghosted. Is this a new trend, or just plain bad luck? 

It has me anxious going on first dates where I worry even if it’s great I’ll never hear from them again. I feel stuck in a rut with endless first dates and want to break this unfortunate trend. 

Should I text them the next day? Any advice is appreciated! 

(9:14) Text message from a listener named Michelle

Damona, help me! My name is Michelle, and I’m in my late fifties. I have two grown daughters and children of their own. However, I’m also hoping to find someone who can make a relationship a priority. 

Here’s my question: How and when do I communicate that while I am very pro-family, I am also looking to find someone who can prioritize a romantic relationship and whose life does not revolve entirely around children and family? Is there language I can use in my profile, or how do I bring this up delicately in the early stages of dating?

(14:28) Email from a listener named L.K.

Hi Damona! I’ve been listening to your show for a year or two now, and I don’t recall hearing you address substance use. I’m in my mid to late 30s and not as interested in dating men who use a lot of recreational substances or who get drunk intentionally/frequently. I love a drink or two with great food or out with friends, but I am well past where I find heavy intoxication fun. 

I’ve found it hard to talk about this, though, as the cities I’ve lived in have big drinking cultures, and I’ve been teased about my preferences before. I’m just not really interested in that lifestyle and am not sure how to communicate about it. 

Do you have any tips on how to kindly communicate this preference or find more people with similar lifestyles? Thanks!

 

(20:40) Instagram DM from a listener named Colleen:

After my divorce, I worked on myself until I became the type of person I would swipe right on before dating.  I find myself really disappointed in the people who “like” me on apps for many reasons besides not being physically attracted to them.  

I’m 44 and I don’t want to date someone who isn’t at an equal point in their emotional maturity/availability, finances, career, etc. I’m beginning to think there’s no one available that’s up to par.  

Should I lower my standards?  Work through my expectations in (more) therapy?  I’d love to hear your advice!

Check out the past podcast episodes Damona mentioned in this episode:

Addiction & Love with Dr. Cali Estes

Minisode: A Dates & Mates Love Story

 

Too Hot to Handle & Inner Intimacy

Intimacy is the foundation of any great relationship, but here’s the thing: true intimacy doesn’t start with someone else, it begins with you. That’s right, we’re talking “intimacy:  into me, see?”

Our guest, Brenden Durell, the intimacy expert  from Netflix’s Too Hot to Handle, is here to guide us on this spiritual dating journey. He’s bringing exercises straight from the show and his retreats, promising a live transformation on our podcast. Don’t worry; we’re keeping it PG while still hitting those deep notes.

And because we love to keep you on your toes, we’ve got a juicy Dear Damona question coming up: “I’m stuck in a cycle of falling for guys who are either all in or MIA. How do I break free?” Stick around for some real talk on changing those pesky patterns.

Brenden Durell (2:05)

Brenden is a former professional athlete and the CEO of Unknown Intimacy.

His work spans various disciplines, including sacred sexuality, intimacy coaching, breathwork, and plant medicine.

You probably recognize him as the intimacy expert on Netflix’s Too Hot to Handle, but today, you will get to know him as a mentor who specializes in mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

(8:07) Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Mirror work isn’t just for checking your hair—it’s a powerful tool for self-love and personal growth.

Brenden suggests starting your day with a little reflection magic while doing your usual morning routine. It’s about looking beyond the surface and giving yourself some genuine love, no pom-poms required!

This practice isn’t just for the “Too Hot to Handle” crowd with their picture-perfect looks. Even those seemingly flawless folks have their insecurities, and Brenden’s mirror work helps peel back those layers.

(11:08) Healing Through Self-Apology

Brenden drops a mind-bending concept: apologizing to yourself for societal expectations you never asked for. 

It’s not about blame, but acknowledging the weight we carry. This isn’t a one-and-done deal—it’s a lifelong practice of shedding those “keep up with the Joneses” pressures.

Brenden challenges us to dial back vanity and reconnect with our deeper selves. It’s about moving past those voices that do not affirm our enoughness and finding a new way to see ourselves.

(16:27) Intimacy in the Jungle

Brenden’s “Intimacy in the Jungle” program takes place in the Amazon rainforest. This city boy turned jungle guide believes Mother Earth is the ultimate relationship counselor.

“For people to make deeper connections with others, with themselves, they have to first make a connection with mother, which is our first parent, Mother Earth,” he explains. It’s not about roughing it Survivor-style but embracing nature’s stillness to reset our connection compass.

This jungle journey isn’t for the faint of heart, but that’s the point. Confronting the raw, untamed wilderness mirrors our own internal landscapes.

(24:42) We Don’t Need Time Until We Do

Ever feel like you’re in a never-ending race against the clock? 

Brenden’s got a mind-bending take on that: “We don’t need time until we do.” It’s a wild concept—we’ve built our entire society around something that doesn’t really exist. But step into nature, and suddenly, that ticking clock loses its power. 

Brenden’s retreats tap into this time warp, resetting everything from your circadian rhythm to your perspective on life.

(38:36) Brenden’s Most Unpopular Opinion about Relationships

Brenden’s on a mission to bust the taboo that equates intimacy with getting down and dirty. For Brenden, sex is more like a spiritual ceremony than a shameful secret.

He suggests you try reframing sex as something beautiful. After all, without it, none of us would be here! He’s not asking you to go from prude to nude overnight. It’s all about baby steps, people. 

Connect with Brenden:

Dear Damona (44:02)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

An anonymous email sent from a listener: 

I’m recently divorced after a 13-year marriage. I’ll be 38 in May. I’m successful in my career and have an almost 13-year-old son, but I have been on the backburner for years, and I have finally begun to prioritize myself. What I miss most is sharing my life with someone, though.

Unfortunately, some of the men I have come across range from falling hard and fast for me or not giving me the time of day. These are the ones I find myself attracted to. Sick I know. Is it some weird validation I need? I guess help? I’ve never really dated and feel lost. 

TherapyJeff & Down to DM

It’s a new season for Dates & Mates—Season 12, to be exact—and that means it’s time for a state-of-the-date check-in.

To help us do just that, we’ve got Licensed Professional Therapist Jeff Guenther on board—you might know him better as TherapyJeff on Instagram. He’s going to share some gems from his new book, Big Dating Energy, which covers everything from figuring out what you’re really looking for to the ins and outs of the date itself to how to handle commitment and even how to part ways if it comes to that.

It’s going to be a great conversation, and then we’ll get into our Dear Damona question of the week: “What’s the best way to reach out to someone on LinkedIn?” LinkedIn love—just in time for fall!

Jeff Guenther (4:32)

We’re thrilled to have Licensed Professional Therapist Jeff Guenther joining us—you probably know him better as TherapyJeff from Instagram.

Jeff shares insights from his new book, Big Dating Energy, which dives deep into every stage of authentic dating. With 20 years of experience in private practice therapy, he really knows his stuff.

Beyond his book, Jeff is the host of the Big Dating Energy podcast and co-hosts the This Changes Everything podcast, another must-listen. His expertise has landed him interviews on NPR, Time, CNN, Rolling Stone, Business Insider, and Slate.

(5:17) Big Dating Energy

Jeff just released his highly anticipated book, Big Dating Energy, and he’s here to give and eus the inside scoop. Jeff opens up about the highs and lows of the writing process, from the joy of creating the content with his co-author Kate to the challenges of marketing, design, and endless editing.

But what makes this book even more unique is that Jeff’s co-author is his ex-wife, Kate Happ. Despite their divorce, they managed to maintain a strong friendship, which made the writing process smoother and more collaborative.

(11:45) When is a Deal Breaker NOT a Deal Breaker?

Clear thinking about what truly matters is key to finding a healthy relationship. Jeff suggests making lists, whether it’s fears, defenses, non-negotiables, or deal breakers.

As he wisely says, “A deal breaker has to actually be a deal breaker—if it shows up in the relationship, you’re done, you’re out.” This advice can really help you avoid confusing minor annoyances with true red flags.

But Jeff doesn’t stop there—he also challenges us to look deeper at where these deal breakers are coming from. Are they genuine, or just defenses we’ve built up over time?

(20:45) Dating Apps: A Big Chaotic Evil

If you’ve ever felt stuck in the endless swipe cycle on dating apps, Jeff really gets it. He reminds us that these apps are just one tool in the dating game, and they’re often designed more to keep us hooked than to help us find true love. 

This is a good reminder not to put all your hopes in  the apps and to keep your eyes open to other ways of meeting people.

(30:35)  Long-Term Relationship Survival Guide

Jeff shares some real wisdom for anyone in a long-term relationship. He’s all about making sure your relationship is healthy and that both partners are getting their needs met. 

One key tip? Learn how to handle conflict in a way that brings you closer instead of driving you apart. Jeff believes that every disagreement can be an opportunity for growth, not just a fight to be won. It’s about understanding each other’s feelings and finding common ground.

(32:40) Conversations to Have After Sex

Sex in a relationship doesn’t have to be perfect right from the start, and mismatched desires or awkward first encounters aren’t necessarily red flags.

 As Jeff says, “Sex gets weird.” But with some open, honest communication, most of these challenges can turn into opportunities for growth and connection. He shares some thought-provoking questions to ask after having sex with your partner. 

Jeff also emphasizes the importance of keeping the spark alive over time. 

 

Connect with Jeff:

Dear Damona (44:02)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Question from a listener named Chris:

Dear Damona, I enjoyed your Dating Decoded webinar, and I learned a lot. I know you get a ton of DMs, but it’d be great to get your advice. What’s the best way to reach out to someone new on LinkedIn without sounding creepy? Do I use your PS world method?

 It turns out we have a mutual connection, but there’s no profile picture, and I can’t click on it, so I don’t know who it is. I could use the connector circle if I find out our mutual connection. Please help

 

Dating Solutions: The Communication & Trust Pillars

We’re back with the final bite-sized episode of the F the Fairy Tale Summer Series on Dates & Mates, inspired by themes from Damona’s new book F the Fairy Tale.

Last week, we examined the Goals and Values Pillars, which are crucial for laying the foundation of any relationship.

Now, we’re moving forward with the final two pillars: Communication and Trust. These pillars are essential for building strong, lasting connections. To guide you through these final two pillars, we have insights from one of Damona’s favorite segments of our recent F the Fairy Tale forum.

This segment features two of the most respected dating and relationship coaches, Carol Allen and Katherine Woodward Thomas, who help break down the pillars and answer listener questions like, “What do you think are the top three dealbreakers in a relationship?”

Let’s explore how mastering the Communication Pillar and Trust Pillar can transform your love life.

dating and relationship expert damona hoffman's book F the Fairy Tale

(0:53) The Communication Pillar

We all love the idea of chemistry—that instant connection and those fluttering butterflies when meeting someone new. However, the Chemistry Myth often leads to the belief that something magical must happen right away.

But those butterflies might be warning signals that things are moving too fast or that a familiar, unhealthy pattern is being repeated. Instead, slow down, communicate effectively, and focus on the Communication Pillar.

Embracing slow love is key to building a solid foundation and overcoming many dating challenges.

(1:46) The Trust Pillar

As we shift our focus from meeting someone special to building a future together, it’s time to replace the Soulmate Myth with the Trust Pillar.

Your soulmate isn’t found through magic; trust is built in small moments, micro-decisions, and actions. It’s through developing the Trust Pillar that you’ll find the person you choose as your soulmate.

Remember, it’s not destiny or magic that forms lasting love, but the consistent, trust-building actions that create a strong, enduring relationship.

(2:24) Carol Allen

Carol Allen is a Vedic astrologer and relationship coach. Her methods are really a blend of East and West.

She combines her training in astrology in India with cutting-edge, real-world relationship research.

Carol has appeared on E!, Bridezillas, Xtra,, Doctor Drew’s Life Changers, and Chicken Soup for the Soul.

(2:49) Katherine Woodward Thomas

Katherine is a New York Times best-selling author, licensed marriage and family therapist,, and teacher to thousands of people worldwide in her virtual and in-person learning communities.

You may have heard of her book Conscious Uncoupling-Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After. She also has an amazing online course: Calling in “The One:” 49 Days to Love.

(3:34) It Starts with a Relationship with Yourself

When asked how to improve communication with a partner or date, Katherine Woodward Thomas emphasizes that “our relationships with others can never really be any better than our relationship with ourselves.”

Communication often becomes distorted when driven by unresolved issues.

(7:52) We All Come with a Divine Design

Is there really such a thing as astrological compatibility?

Carol emphasizes that everyone has a unique divine design, with personality traits that are largely genetic. This innate temperament affects how we connect with others.

It’s important to find those connections where trust and communication flow easily, “You want to look for those people where you don’t have to work so hard.”

Listener Questions:

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

14:04 Anonymous Listener:

Do you find it true that the scarcity mindset really plays out in limiting success in dating? I get so few responses, which leads me to experience scarcity. How do I bring abundance into my dating life?

19:00 Anonymous Listener:

How do you keep your energy up when you’ve been dating for a long time and you’re still waiting to meet your life partner?

25:02 Anonymous Listener:

What do you think are the top three dealbreakers in a relationship?

27:15 Anonymous Listener:

I am struggling to maintain an abundant mindset even while engaging in activities I love, repeating affirmations but not seeing any matches. Help!

 

Dating Solutions: The Goals & Values Pillars

Welcome back to our F the Fairy Tale Summer series, where we’re serving up bite-sized episodes inspired by Damona Hoffman’s new book, “F the Fairy Tale.” 

This week, we shift from busting myths to seeking solutions in dating. We’ve already tackled the four biggest myths that hold singles back: the rules myth, the chemistry myth, and the soulmate myth. If you missed those, be sure to catch up on the last four episodes!

But what good is identifying these myths if we don’t know how to solve them? This week’s mini-episode focuses on the Goals and Values Pillars from Damona’s book. 

We dive deeper into the Goals Pillar and the Values Pillar with three of Damona’s dear longtime friends in the love business: relationship experts Orna and Matthew Walters and Evan MarcKatz. Join us as we revisit one of Damona’s very favorite panels from the F the Fairy Tale Forum last year, and start transforming those myths into actionable steps towards finding true love!

dating and relationship expert damona hoffman's book F the Fairy Tale

The Goals and Values Pillars (1:17) 

The Goals and Values Pillars offer fresh solutions to two of the biggest dating myths. 

The Goals Pillar helps you dodge the list myth by focusing on shared goals rather than superficial qualities. This way, you make sure you’re on the same page with your partner from the get-go, avoiding that dreaded moment when you realize you’re not heading in the same direction.

On the other hand, the Values Pillar is all about breaking free from the rules myth. Those rigid dating rules might feel safe, but they can keep you from truly growing and connecting. 

By letting go of these rules, you can dive into self-inquiry, understand your values on a deeper level, and write your own love story. These pillars guide you toward more fulfilling and authentic relationships, helping you navigate the dating world with confidence.

(3:18) Orna and Matthew Walters

Orna and Matthew Walters  are amazing love coaches, but they do so much more than that. 

They are featured on Bravo’s The Millionaire Matchmaker and have helped transform thousands of singles around the globe. 

They also have a new book coming out in January 2025 through a division of Penguin Random House. It’s called “Getting It Right This Time: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Lasting Love,” it’s available for pre-order now!

(3:44) Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz is a name well-known in the dating world, especially if you’ve been navigating it for a while. 

He is renowned as the dating coach for smart, successful women. With not one, not two, but four books to his name. Evan has been featured on hundreds of media outlets since 2003. He hosts The Love U podcast and runs a blog launched in 2006, which boasts over 30 million readers today.

Fun fact: Evan is one of Damona’s very first friends in this business. About 13 or 14 years ago, he took a call from Damona when she was considering leaving her TV producing career to become a full-time love coach. 

(5:55) Release the First Date Pressure!

Evan is all about putting values first. Instead of trying to figure out if someone is your soulmate on the first date (because who can do that?), he suggests a more relaxed approach.

Pay attention to your feelings and let people show you who they are over time. You’ll learn a lot about someone in the first month and save yourself from making big mistakes.

Damona points out that it all starts with knowing your own goals and values. So many people come to her saying they’ll “know it when they see it,” but having that clarity from the get-go is super important. It’s all about setting yourself up for success in finding the right partner!

(10:30) What is Your Love Imprint?

Orna and Matthew start by helping clients understand their love imprint—a concept that explores how early childhood experiences shape our attraction patterns.

It is common to be attracted to people who emulate our families because it feels comfortable, normal or safe, but it can lead to repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. 

Orna and Matthew help clients identify and break these subconscious habits. By first understanding themselves, clients can form healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Listener Questions:

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

21:00 Jeannie asks:

 What’s the best site for women over 65?

22:53 Anonymous Listener:

 For women, I feel like the message is often to lower your standards. Meanwhile, men are not improving themselves like we have. And in my area, it feels like a dating dessert. I have likes on my profile, but not anyone I’ve been curious about lately, and I don’t know if it’s connected to the next question. Does that mean that my standards are too high? 

 

The Soulmate Myth & Growth Mindset

You might be surprised to learn that Damona does NOT believe in soulmates. In fact, neither does Mr. Hoffman. They believe that there are many possible matches out there for you, but you choose to make someone your soulmate every day. You choose to keep learning and growing into your relationship.

As we continue our F The Fairy Tale Summer Series, this week’s Dates & Mates minisode will focus on the Soulmate Myth.You’ll hear an excerpt from the book, get answers to a listener question, dive into some dating dish-esque stats, and receive the best relationship advice you’ll hear all week. 

The Soulmate Myth (1:40) 

What’s the soulmate myth? It’s the idea that there’s one perfect person out there for you, and finding them will make you happy forever. If there were a soulmate finder app, it would make millions! 

But here’s the thing—it’s just a myth. Chasing the idea of one perfect match prevents you from committing to a fulfilling relationship and sticking with someone when times get tough.

(2:14) Straight from F the Fairy Tale

Damona shares an excerpt from her book, F the Fairy Tale, on the myth of soulmates: “Pursuing that ideal keeps you constantly in a scarcity mindset.”.

She explains that believing there’s only one perfect match limits your choices and can make you question a great relationship. Instead she urges daters to embrace a growth mindset which will allow them to overcome issues and build strong relationships.

(7:03) It Takes a Mindset Shift 

Damona shares some surprising data about the soulmate myth. Former NASA engineer Randall Munroe found that the probability of meeting your perfect soulmate is once in 10,000 lifetimes. 

“So, if the odds aren’t in our favor, it’s imperative that singles shift from the soulmate myth mindset.” Instead, focus on long-term compatibility. 

Based on years of coaching, Damona emphasizes that common goals and shared values are the true markers of a successful relationship.

Listener Questions

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

(4:24) I feel like my ex was my soulmate. I’ve been dating on the app since we broke up, and I’m starting to worry that I’ll never feel that way again.

(8:28 ) Do soulmates exist? I used to believe in Twin Flames, but now, 20 years in with a family, mine is no longer interested in me and I’m trying to separate.

 

The Chemistry Myth & Sleeping Together

What if chemistry is just a myth? Damona is here to challenge everything you thought you knew about those initial sparks.

In this solo minisode, we dive into The Chemistry Myth. We start with an excerpt from Damona’s book, F the Fairy Tale, and follow up with top tips and takeaways on understanding chemistry in relationships. 

Plus she answers this sizzling Dear Damona question: “How fast is too fast to have sex with a new person?” 

So, grab your favorite beverage, get comfy, and join us for an episode filled with insights and revelations.

The Chemistry Myth (0:58) 

The Chemistry Myth is the belief that you need to feel immediate, romantic sparks for a long-term relationship to develop. 

True relationship success starts with slow love. When we try to shortcut the road to a relationship by steering around red flags, we miss the true markers of relationship success and then we second guess our dating and relationship choices. 

(1:33)  When are the Flutters Not Butterflies?

The Chemistry Myth touches a lot of lives! RomComs and romance novels spread the myth of chasing butterflies! But what if you don’t really understand what they mean? 

Damona shares an excerpt from the book about how the Chemistry Myth has affected her own dating life.

(3:51) Butterflies May Be a Window to the Past

You may think that the “chemistry” you feel points to the future, but it often reflects our past. 

True connection and compatibility develop over time, which is why Damona advocates for slow love in her book F the Fairy Tale, and pretty much everywhere!

By ditching the List Myth and the Rules Myth, you can truly see who someone is and how they align with your deeper goals and values. 

Dear Damona (6:02)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Question from Miss. M:

Dear Damona, if slow love’s the only way to go, which for me, I definitely don’t want first, second, or even third date sex, then what’s considered too fast or too slow? I’m happy to report I’m dating a guy who has aligned values, is a good open communicator, and makes me feel amazing and heard. Here’s our timeline. Met for a 1.5-hour coffee a week after app chatting. After the second-date dinner, he asked for consent to kiss me good night. Third date dinner, kissed a little more good night in the car.

Fourth date hung out at his place, and he politely asked how far I would like to go making out, we kept it PG. Date number five: dinner again, invited him to my place, and had sex. I realized this morning it’s only been three weeks since we matched, both feeling excited about each other and have date six planned for tomorrow. Do you think sex within three weeks is considered slow love?

The Rules Myth & Meaningful Connections

This week, we have the next fantastic episode of “F the Fairytale” Summer series, where we are doing bite-sized episodes inspired by the themes of Damona’s book, “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story.” 

Dating has changed drastically since Damona wrote her first dating profile for someone else about 18 years ago, but one thing has remained the same: everyone wants a dating hack, a shortcut, a system, something to make this yellow brick road run a little faster.

You all know dating takes time, and a successful relationship starts with slow love. So in reality, those quick dating fixes might actually be setting you back in your search for fulfilling connections. 

That’s why we are diving into The Rules Myth this week on the Dates & Mates podcast as we revisit one of Damona’s favorite panels from the F the Fairy Tale forum with love and relationship experts  Arielle Ford & Francesca Hogi! 

THE RULES MYTH (1:05)

The Rules Myth governs those who see dating as a game to be won, leading to a tactical and often robotic approach to meeting people. 

This mindset drives the popularity of books like “The Rules” and “The Game” and fuels the hunger for dating hacks on social media. But just because swipe apps gamify dating doesn’t mean you have to play by their rules. You control your love story.

(2:30) Arielle Ford

Arielle is a celebrated love and relationship expert, author, and speaker, and she is the co-creator and host of Evolving Wisdom’s Art of Love series. 

Before that, she spent years as a book publicist and was instrumental in launching the careers of many New York Times best-selling self-help authors, including Deepak Chopra, Jack Canfield, Don Miguel Ruiz, and Debbie Ford.

Ariel is the author of 11 books, including the international bestseller “The Soulmate Secret: Manifest The Love of Your Life with the Law of Attraction”. It’s published in 21 languages and 40 countries.

(3:16) Francesca Hogi

Francesca is a former corporate lawyer turned matchmaker turned love coach. She is a TEDx speaker, the host of the Dear Franny podcast, and an internationally recognized expert on dating and relationships. 

You may have seen her on the Today Show, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Harper’s Bazaar, and The Huffington Post. She coaches individuals and groups and is the founder of the True Love Society, a community for women seeking deeper self- and romantic love. 

Fun fact: Prior to her love career, Francesca competed on two seasons of the iconic reality show Survivor.

(4:48) Do the rules work?

Ariel Ford dives into the heart of love by debunking the myth that love is just a feeling. 

She highlights that the butterflies and champagne bubbles we often associate with love are really just nature’s greatest drug—an oxytocin, adrenaline, and dopamine high. 

Real, mature love, she explains, is a behavior, a choice, and an action. It’s about consistently choosing your partner, even on tough days. Ariel emphasizes that understanding this is crucial for anyone navigating the dating world and seeking a lifelong partner.

(6:30) Rules put the focus on the wrong things

Franny gets real about why strict dating rules just don’t work. 

She understands why people crave clear rules to ease the complexities of dating, but she believes these rules often shift focus away from what truly matters. 

“If you are following a lot of ‘rules,’ then you’re more focused on that than you are on making sure that you are showing up with authenticity.” Focus on building a connection based on authenticity and mutual respect.

(11:32) Chart your own path

Damona’s message from F the Fairy Tale is all about empowerment: you get to rewrite the rules for yourself. “You get to chart your own path, and you get to do it together with a partner.” 

She emphasizes the joy and opportunity of creating your own rituals and rules in a relationship. This approach makes connections more personalized and fulfilling, tailored to what works best for both people involved. It’s all about making your own story together and embracing the unique journey that comes with it.

(12:20) Let’s answer some listener questions

  • Do soulmates exist?
  • What are good options to meet people other than dating apps?
  • Someone said to me recently, make your life full. Not everyone finds a partner. I felt hopeless after that, and I wonder if I should accept that or keep trying. In the meantime, I do things that I love. What do you ladies think?

The List Myth & Dating Math

Welcome back to our F the Fairy Tale Summer series with bite-sized episodes inspired by the themes of Damona’s book, “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story.” 

F the Fairy Tale is structured around the four phases of dating that Damona has taught over the last 17-plus years, identifying which myths seem to govern each phase. 

In our F the Fairy Tale Summer series, we’ll cover all of those myths and their fixes, revealing the pillars that are the antidotes to dating frustrations.  

Today, we’re tackling the first myth: The List Myth. This myth is insidious and oh-so-unsatisfying in dating

(1:18) The Longer the List, the More Limiting it is 

Crafting an exhaustive list of criteria for potential partners can create unrealistic expectations and distance you from making meaningful choices. 

A long list offers an escape hatch, preventing vulnerability while also creating a feeling of discouragement when no one meets every criterion. While having some criteria is necessary, too many can turn dating into a frustrating minefield.

(2:33) Get Laser Focused

To break free from the list myth, Damona wants you to get laser-focused on the most important qualities in a partner. 

Narrow your list to three must-haves and one deal breaker to clarify what truly matters to you. This approach helps you make more mindful and meaningful choices in your dating journey.

(2:56) Micro-Choices Add Up Fast

Damona shares “There always comes a point when I have to engage in dating math with clients. As they build their lists, I compute how each selection erodes their dating pool.”

For example, many women want a partner over six feet tall, but only 14.5% of men meet this. Adding criteria like a master’s degree, specific location, race, and income, further limits options. This compounding effect can leave very few potential matches.

(3:58) Damona’s Hot Take

Everyone has something on their list that limits them. 

It’s crucial to ask why those items are there and consider how you want to feel in a relationship. You can check all the boxes and still feel it’s not right. But “if you can drop into the feeling of what it will be like to be in a relationship with this person, you will always know when that feeling is repeated.”

Join Our Book Squad

Follow along with the book “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story,” available on Amazon and anywhere books are sold!

Have you already read the “F the Fairy Tale”? We invite you to join the Book Squad! If you review “F The Fairy Tale” and submit it at DamonaHoffman.com/booksquad before July 31st, you’ll be invited to an exclusive Q&A session with Damona!

See you next week when we will dive into the Rules Myth!

Summer Love & Dating IRL

 

Summer is a fantastic time to meet someone special. In fact, Damona and Mr. Hoffman matched right around the 4th of July, though they didn’t meet in person until the Monday after because Seth’s schedule was “Chock Full O’Barbeques”. Stick around until the end to hear that story…. Bottom line: Damona loves a hot girl summer, and she’s seen summer flings turn into lifelong romances.

But don’t believe the hype that there are only certain times of the year to find love. Sure, there’s peak dating season at the start of the year, spring flings, and cuffing season in the fall. But you can meet your person any time of the year.

Each season has its own energy, and you never know when or where you’ll meet that special someone. 

DEAR DAMONA (1:44)

A listener named Tasha asks:

Damona, love your story!!! I also enjoy your podcast. I realized that the most popular way to meet singles these days is online. I just can’t do it. It just doesn’t work for me. How are people meeting organically in 2024?

12:37 Did You Love the Book??

Speaking of fiction and fantasy, Damona is all about rewriting dating myths and living your own love stories. She literally wrote the book on it: “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story,” available in e-book, audiobook, and hardcover. 

This summer, we’re encouraging you to leave your reviews of “F the Fairy Tale,” no matter where you bought it or what format you enjoyed it in. Damona is eager to hear what parts of the book resonated with you.

Listener T says, “Buy it. It’s a practical, well-thought-out book that restores the feeling of power in personal decision-making for a meaningful relationship. Her Dates & Mates podcast is amazing as well.”

13:48 Summer BBQ Love Story

Damona shares a fun story about meeting her husband around the 4th of July. When she suggested they meet, he said he was “chock full of barbecues.” 

Turns out, he had no plans but didn’t want to seem like a loser. The following year, Damona found herself in the same boat with no invites and realized everyone tells their own stories to avoid looking silly.

15:54 Four Fairy Tale Dating Myths COMING UP!

Coming up next week, we have the start of our summer series where we dissect each of the four Fairy Tale Dating Myths that Damona wrote about in her book “”F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story”

First up, we will have the List Myth!!

Jillian On Love & Finding The One

Welcome to the grand finale of Dates & Mates Season 11!

Don’t worry, we aren’t going anywhere!! We have our summer series of bite-sized episodes that are perfect for your travels. Then get ready for Season 12 in mid-August!

This week, we’ve got the incredible Jillian Turecki joining us – she’s a certified relationship coach, host of the Jillian On Love podcast, and she knows her stuff. 

We dive deep into this fantasy of “the one” in this episode.  You know what we’re talking about, right? That perfect person who’s supposed to complete us and solve all our problems? Yeah, that one. 

Damona and Jillian explore why this idea is so captivating and, more importantly, how it might actually mask some deeper needs for personal growth. 

Before we dive in, let’s enjoy an old but treasured segment, the Romance Rollback, where we share ten surprising facts about the evolution of dating. Then, in this week’s Dear Damona segment, we tackle a tricky situation: “My dates keep ditching me for my brother. What can I do?” 

ROMANCE ROLL BACK (3:39)

We came across an article in Mental Floss that shares ten fascinating facts about the evolution of dating and courtship.

For example, the term “date” was first used in 1896, the practice of dating has shifted from family-supervised courtship to public outings, and consumerism has greatly influenced dating norms. 

Understanding this history helps us navigate our dating journeys with grace, empowering us to design our own love stories.

13:54 Jillian Turecki

Jillian Turecki is a teacher, writer, speaker, and certified relationship coach with over 20 years of experience. 

She’s the founder of Jillian Turecki Coaching and hosts the podcast Jillian on Love. She creates some of the best content on Instagram and TikTok for her over 2 million followers.

15:20 The Myth of “The One”

Jillian talks about the myth of “the one,” which suggests there is a match out in the world who will solve all of your problems. She explains that this longing for “the one” is really about seeking completeness and wholeness. 

In this discussion, we are reminded that true fulfillment comes from within. A good relationship can enhance our lives but won’t fix everything. 

23:25 Why Are You Still Single?

Inessa shared her personal Feng Shui love story. She revealed that before meeting her husband, she made intentional changes to her space, like tossing an old mattress and activating the relationship corners of her home. 

“I set my intention, visualized how I’d feel with my person, and made sure my home reflected that,” she said. This mindful approach, combined with a dating hiatus to clear her energy, led her to meet her husband on a dating app, proving the power of Feng Shui in attracting love.

35:48 Jillian is On a Mission

Damona lights up when Jillian shares her mission to help people build fulfilling relationships, starting with self-love. 

Jillian is passionate about empowering young girls to prioritize their own dreams and independence rather than just finding a partner. 

She emphasizes that good relationships are crucial for health, but the key decisions are who we choose to be with and how we show up in those relationships.

40:28 Let’s Make Dating Safer for Women

Jillian reminds singles that they’re talking to a stranger when messaging on a dating app.

Unlike meeting someone through mutual friends, there’s no inherent accountability. Jillian advises, “Stop getting into a texting affair with a stranger.” Your time is valuable, so avoid lengthy texting with someone who might not even show up. 

Men should prioritize making women feel comfortable on dates. Impressing your date isn’t about grand gestures but about ensuring she feels safe and respected.

Follow her on Instagram @JillianTurecki and you can become of member of Jillian’s relationship school by visiting JillianTurecki.com/membership

DEAR DAMONA (51:34)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Text from an Anonymous Listener:

Dear Damona, My brother is impossibly good-looking, as is the celebrity level of good-looking. His friends tell him, strangers tell him. My whole extended family loves telling him. He and I are close in age, and we have the same dating pool. I haven’t worried about it in the past, but I’ve noticed a pattern.

I’ve been thankful and lucky to find some success in dating recently. All my dates have gone fantastically great. Depth of conversation, laughter. Communication, smile, eye contact, casual touch:  It’s been wonderful. But the instant my dates learn about my brother, it’s been game over.

All of a sudden, it stops. I either get ghosted, or if I’m lucky, I get an honest text. And look, I get it. My brother’s a bad boy type. He looks awesome. He’s a talented artist, destined to fame. But what do I do? I love the way I am, the way I look, the things I love. But when somebody sees my brother. So far, my dates have stopped dating me. Am I choosing wrong? Am I attracting the wrong type? Help?