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Love Lessons: Love is Blind – Carlton

LOVE LESSONS

Many of you have reached out recently expressing quarantine fatigue which is compounded by being single. You have a deep desire for someone to navigate this period of fear and frustration. You can only do so many zoom calls with friends to make up for the fact that you’re solo all day every day. And dating apps have lost their allure with the possibility that you may not be able to meet in person for weeks or even months.

So this month, we are going to have a completely different format from the usual Dates & Mates. This series is designed to take you deeper on a mental, spiritual, and even physical level to design the love life you want. This unexpected break from the rat race of love and life we had been caught in is giving us an opportunity to get clarity and explore parts of ourselves that had been buried away.

Today Damona invites you to begin a four-part journey called  Love Lessons.

via GIPHY

We will launch the series today with an interview that will make you feel all the feels. The other 3 episodes will be full of visualization, meditation, and self-inquiry.

Today, you will learn along with Carlton from Love is Blind as he reflects upon what he learned from the groundbreaking social experiment and TV series that he participated in.

Do you remember Love is Blind? For those who haven’t seen it – you might want to binge-watch the entire Netflix series and then come back and relisten to this podcast once you’re in the know because Carlton is going to spill all the tea and give all the spoilers and even reveal something he has NEVER said in an interview before.

But above all, this is a love lesson.

It’s a lesson in self-awareness, bravery and forgiveness:

LOVE IS BLIND (3:00)

Carlton teaches us:

  • The power of vulnerability
  • To move into your dream relationship you need to be willing to forgive the past.
  • Why you should face your fear.
  • We are constantly growing and evolving and that means you don’t need to wait for healing to occur or enlightenment to strike to be ready to date again.
  • How to keep faith.

Find more from Carlton on Instagram @CarltonMorton or donate to Camp Carlton – his charity for the children of his hometown – if you feel called!

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello lovers, so many of you have reached out to me recently expressing quarantine fatigue, which is compounded by being single, you have a deep desire for someone to navigate this period of fear and frustration. You can only do so many zoom calls with friends to make up for the fact that your solo all day every day. And dating apps have lost their allure with the possibility that you may not be able to meet in person for weeks or even months. So this month, we are going to have a completely different format from the usual dates and mates. This series of four episodes is designed to take you deeper on them mental, spiritual and even physical level to design the love life you want. This unexpected break from the rat race of love and life that we’ve been caught in is giving us an opportunity to get clarity and explore parts of ourselves which have been buried away. Today, I invite you to begin a four part journey with me called love lessons. We will launch the series today with an interview that will make you feel all the fields. The other three episodes will be full of visualization, meditation, and self inquiry. Today you will learn along with Carlton from love is blind as he reflects upon what he learned from the groundbreaking social experiment and TV series that he participated in. You remember Love is blind. For those who have not seen it. You might want to go back and binge watch the entire Netflix series and then come back and re listen to this podcast. Once you’re in the know Because Carlton is going to spill all the tea y’all, and he’s going to give you all the spoilers and even reveal something that he has never said in an interview before. But above all, this is a love lesson. It’s a lesson in self awareness, and bravery, and forgiveness. The TLDR version of His love story is that he was one of the seven guys on the show who proposed to someone sight unseen. But when he revealed to his fiance diamond that he was bisexual, the relationship fell apart in a spectacular reality TV blow up. Then in the reunion, he got down on one knee and asked her if they could be friends again, but today, they are both single. All right, let’s get big smooches to Carlton from love is blind. Oh man, we gotta talk. Thank you for being here.

Carlton Morton  3:02  

Thanks for having me. How are you?

Damona  3:04  

I am so great and I am such a fan of love as blind as a dating coach. I think it was an awesome experiment and experience for people to go to but I, I have questions and a lot of my listeners have questions because especially like going through Coronavirus, and then watching Love is blind at the same time. There are a lot of parallels coming up. So let’s just initially start with the experience of Wait, wait, wait, I gotta back it up to what the heck would make you want to even do the show in the first place?

Carlton Morton  3:39  

Well, I was looking for love, like I’m still in love, but that’s a whole nother story. I was looking for love and I’m wanting to be married and I thought that it would be an amazing experiment to be a part of.

Damona  3:52  

So you knew going into it that if you wanted to meet your person you would have to propose and that was the deal. From from the beginning.

Carlton Morton  4:01  

Yeah, I knew that if I felt that, you know that that was one of the options, but I also knew that there was a possibility that I may not match with anyone. They kept saying, you know, it’s just a social experiment. There’s like no strings attached. You don’t have to do this. And it was just real connections formed every single time. Okay, so everyone’s asking what was it like in the pods? The pods like I could still smell the pods. I remember what they smell like they smell like so fresh. It’s smells like a bath and beyond and like, you know, walking past like the oils and the Roma oils, like the pods were so posh and comfortable and cozy like sometimes we even fall asleep in the pods like sometimes we had long dates, like late night dates that we’d be sitting down, you know, just chillin just kicking back and just falling Blake you fall asleep on Sunday. Dates because it’s like it’s not that a person is necessarily boring. It’s just It’s been a long day of dates. And you just kind of want to kick back and you’re having a relaxing conversation. It’s like falling asleep on the phone.

Damona  5:11  

Like all times. Could you choose who you went into the pod with? Or was it sort of like Chatroulette?

Carlton Morton  5:19  

Knowing we couldn’t choose there was a formula to it. So it kind of went off of who ranked to the highest. And that’s basically who you match with. There was like a algorithm I wish we could have. Because I tried to like on numerous occasions, I tried to sacrifice like or, or donate my time to someone else to go on a date with someone that maybe I knew I wouldn’t have a connection with, to get more time with my ex.

Damona  5:44  

Okay, so spoiler alert. For those that haven’t watched the show. Pause the podcast right now. Come back, go. Go watch. It’s like what like 11 episodes, something like that with the reunion 1112 episode. So go watch it, then come back and do hit play again. Spoiler alert, so Carlton is one of the participants who decided to propose. But he didn’t quite get to the the happy ending. You did hear that he said he was single right now. Take me through the next phase of the pod. How did you know? You and diamond got engaged? And that’s a big deal. You had never met this woman and you got down on one knee and proposed, what was it about diamond? Or was it something that she said How did you know what was that moment when when you decided to like take the plunge and and propose?

Carlton Morton  6:37  

Um, I just knew like, the moment that we really opened up was when I thought when we talked about our father’s book, our dad’s passed away. So we really connected on that, even to the point where we both had stories like with our dad’s past, where she would collect ladybugs or her dad and I would collect fireflies, my dad It was just kind of like little moments like that. And then even when it came time to see her for the first time, I was in my dressing room, five minutes before I was thinking in my head, wow, it would be so great if you call her dad and a traditional type setting and you know, get his permission, but even if that was granted by producers who is not here anymore, so do you know right before I went to meet her, I look at my dressing room mirror and a lady is calling.

Damona  7:30  

You know, I believe in all of that I will cosign

Carlton Morton  7:36  

Okay, you know, so it was just little moments like that along the process just reassured me that she was the one for me like the connection was there she like sometimes she had like a little attitude, like, Oh, you don’t know my voice by now. And like that kind of got my attention. It was just little stuff like that.

Damona  7:57  

It was beautiful to watch all of that unfold. I Do want to ask as a person of color? And as I mean it didn’t look like there were that many people of color in the mix. Was that something that you had ever thought about finding something like were you intentionally looking for a black woman or was it just it was or similarity of familiarity or was it just chance that she happened to be black you think?

Carlton Morton  8:25  

Well, from me I’ve always dated like different races so it didn’t matter to me going into the process. Why I ended up with I like literally went into it thinking Love is blind and I still believe love true love is blind. Um, but I just thought like, if I end up with someone else would that be an issue like all those thoughts do go through my head. I hope I answered your question, but it didn’t matter to me if it would have been someone that was no.

Damona  8:55  

Yeah, I do feel like sometimes you have that additional pressure though to when you’re The only black couple I mean, obviously Lauren, Lauren’s black but when you’re the only black couple to you know every there’s a lot of pressure like I I hosted this show that was by the same production company called hashtag black love that was sort of born out of married at first sight and Monet. It was inspired by Monet’s story and she and her husband on married at first sight when they were the only black couple. And so everybody was like, please make it please make it please make it and then when they didn’t, it’s like, I’m carrying the whole weight of every you know, everyone who’s black on my shoulders in this one relationship? Yeah,

Carlton Morton  9:36  

I definitely feel felt that after, like, after the show came out, and still to this day, I feel like a certain way even when it came to speaking up about racial injustice and police brutality. I felt like the moment that I speak up, someone is going to say hi, we just witness you are With a black woman, and degrade a black woman in an argument on national TV, that’s what they would have said. So like, it took some like prayer and some soul searching to really just navigate, especially this time, and then the whole like social thing is just like it’s crazy. You know? So there is a lot of pressure.

Damona  10:20  

Yeah, it’s complicated right now.

Carlton Morton  10:22  

Yeah. And there were a lot of amazing black women on the show that you didn’t necessarily get to see because they didn’t necessarily find matches. But there were some some amazing black woman on it.

Damona  10:33  

Would you do it again?

Carlton Morton  10:35  

Oh, absolutely. Do it again, because I’m still looking for love. And I feel like love is blind get better matching me and I’ve ever met myself.

Damona  10:42  

Alright, so let’s talk about can we go a little bit and do your dating history? I mean, to to even go through the experience of proposing to someone you have to feel like that person is different. But I know you revealed on the show, Carlton, that you had dated men. In the past as well, and that was not always something that that women you dated, were open to talk to me about that and and even just the decision because you knew if you were going on love is blind, you knew that they were matching it with a woman. Yes,

Carlton Morton  11:16  

yes. Correct.

Damona  11:17  

So tell me about that process of understanding your own identity and sexual orientation. And then also in doing that on national television, that’s very brave.

Carlton Morton  11:32  

Thank you. Um, it took a while. It’s obviously been a long journey. Initially, I actually told someone in casting that when they reached out I was like, I don’t think this shows for me

Damona  11:43  

that just makes them want you more.

Carlton Morton  11:46  

I still, isn’t it like confident and like really just talking to strangers about sexuality at that point, and I don’t want to get on the show. And then it’s like, I’m some liar or I’m pretending to be a heterosexual male. I have to Be able to tell my truth to who to the person that I fall in love with. That was my thing. I wanted to make sure that if I went on the show, that was given a fair chance, there’s so many men who are bisexual or fluid and they can’t live their truth or whatever reason. So I wanted to show people that process and show people that bisexual people do have our minds when we love you, we love you, we’re with you. That was like major to me.

Damona  12:27  

But that that is a lot of responsibility as well to to kind of represent for the bisexual community because we haven’t seen a lot of that on TV you know, maybe like two or whatever. But we haven’t seen we haven’t seen that many people saying just what what you’re saying that like, and I’ve I’ve dealt with this with bisexual clients in the past with their their partner not feeling like they can be fully committed because by saying yes to you, I’m saying no to an entire gender of people but at the same time, that’s What it is even in, in a hetero relationship, if you say yes to a person and you want to be in a monogamous relationship, you’re saying no to everyone else. Yeah. Okay, but then I have to ask you Carlton, it took you a minute to express that to diamond What? What prevented you from telling her about your sexuality from the beginning?

Carlton Morton  13:25  

Well for one it was it like nine day process before I actually got to like see her in person. So it was actually very quickly. For me it was in this quick process. Why would I be so foolish as to just share that side not knowing for sure that this is the person that I’m gonna pose to because had I told any of the girls, all the girls on day one, it would have gone back to that side we would sharing notes like guys, we would say things like, Oh, you had a date with so and so. Oh, what does she say? Oh, for me, it was all about this moment. scary for me, it was about like opening up to the right person, instead of me telling them right now I’m going to get to know the person, make sure that this is someone that actually can love for the rest of my life. And then I’m going to share that information because otherwise they’ll go and tell my story for me. And what’s gonna happen, everybody’s gonna rank Crocs, and at the bottom of experiment.

Damona  14:23  

I hadn’t thought of it that way. And it’s interesting, the way that you talk about needing to tell your own story and you know, kind of control the narrative there. Do you feel like since all of the pod experience you’re not seeing the other person, you’re you’re just speaking to them behind the wall and that you have to propose if you want to actually see them in person. Do you feel like there was an element of you that thought if you and diamond could just be together face to face and you told her that she would have reacted in a more favorable way

Carlton Morton  15:00  

Absolutely Well, the thing is, I knew that it was inappropriate to like, tell her the first moment we seen each other when the doors slide open, and then it’s like awkward. So like, of course, that was in the back of my mind. After seeing her for the first time, I’m thinking, oh my god. So now we have to have this zation. And I hope that she’s still my fiance. After this conversation, we had the conversation. And again, that’s the face to face conversation, even if we were in the pods. And it was like there was a rule, you can’t go back and say what somebody told you or anything she did, she deserved at least a face to face conversation. And you know, it could have been done the day of the wedding. It could have been done the night of the bachelor party, but I was like, No, I do. It’s important to me, that we have that conversation before we spend our first night.

Damona  15:49  

Yeah, and I think I think we’re looking at the timeline. As you know, we spent all that time in the pods and then like, why did he wait until they’re on this trip together? But From your perspective, there was only nine days in the pods. That was pretty early. And you’re really you’re not just

Carlton Morton  16:05  

dating that person and there’s like time restraints. So there’s a lot of factors that went into when’s the right time? If you have 15 minutes for a date today, why would I start that conversation? And then like she’s stressing about it until we date against tomorrow, if we even have it at

Damona  16:22  

sea. You weren’t trying to just get a trip to my No,

Carlton Morton  16:24  

I wasn’t. I’m been around the world like, I look. I haven’t been around the world. Like I’ve been very blessed. I have amazing parents amazing exes, sometimes, and I’ve been around the world so it wasn’t about that. Or TBS people claim to see I’ve been on to number one shows prior to being blind. We’re Housewives of Atlanta and Basketball Wives.

Damona  16:46  

I would have taken that trip, but that’s just me.

Carlton Morton  16:49  

No, it’s amazing. It’s an amazing resort. Like you totally should look into it. It’s like the most peaceful place ever. That’s why I’m like, Oh my God, we couldn’t even stay And try to work it out.

Damona  17:01  

I know. So, talk to me about that moment when you finally got the courage to tell her. She didn’t quite react the way you were expecting, did she?

Carlton Morton  17:12  

He didn’t. Well, here’s the thing. I feel like she reacted the best. She knew how. And the way that she felt it was something that caught her off guard. Um, so I can’t like, you know, be mad at her for the way that she was fighting.

Damona  17:32  

But you did get kind of mad at her, though you did in that moment. And I know you’ve said you said in the reunion at and since then, that that wasn’t your proudest moment of how you reacted?

Carlton Morton  17:45  

No, it was it was very defensive and it was scary. That’s like the biggest thing it was a lot of fear in those scenes and just like no experience like you know, I’ve been on other shows, but I wasn’t on most shows today. My true to someone that I was about to walk down the aisle. So you know is it was one of those moments that I’m like, still cringe

Damona  18:09  

if you could rewrite it, Carlton, what would you have said and what would she have said how would it have gone differently?

Carlton Morton  18:16  

I would have told her that though it may be something that who, for please don’t count me out. It’s already happening, you know, and it’s like one of those things that I still I’m still like dealing with it. Like, I’m kind of over the whole like point that this show has happened and then whatever, but as far as like losing my

Damona  18:39  

I’m sorry, I

Carlton Morton  18:41  

know, I know. I’m sorry. Cuz like, and like,

Carlton Morton  18:44  

I will be like, Oh, you know, cooler like, everything’s all good and someone will be like, will talk to me about her. And then like, I’ll start talking about her. All right.

Damona  19:02  

Take your time. Take your time, brother.

Carlton Morton  19:04  

I gotta like miss my friend. You know what I’m saying? It’s like, we’re so much alike.

Carlton Morton  19:12  

Next question.

Damona  19:14  

Well, I know you said you’re still looking for love. You’re still single.

Carlton Morton  19:19  

Maybe I shouldn’t be though, right? Not just yet.

Damona  19:23  

Well, you ask him my opinion. Yeah. I think a lot of times we wait to be ready. But this is this is the moment like you are. You are, you’re in your life. And I think we learn most when we are in motion and an action. So my feeling is that you don’t wait to find love, but you should always be processing and that this, this is the process of uncovering who you are and what you really want. So what I was going to ask you is with the knowledge that you have the experience that you went through, and what You’re going through right now? What would you do differently? Like if you could do the show again or even just in in life and looking for love again? How? How would you come into it differently? How would you present Carlton in a new way or think differently of your partner?

Carlton Morton  20:19  

only show who Carlton truly is. And that’s not like a defensive person. I think part of not fully feeling like I was able to live my truth made me I will always have like a gate up or some type of like, defense mechanism that would be like on guard. But since coming out as fluid, things like I feel so free, so I feel like now I wouldn’t be so scared in the pods. I would have the conversation probably the moment that I feel like I have a connection with someone. Even if it was more than one person. I would still have like a compensation but it would have to be some blue. I have to get trust conversation that came with that. And hey, this is something I’m about to share with you and I don’t want for you to share it with anyone else here, that type of thing because that was like my main thing like, Oh my god, what if she goes to her, and she’s gonna tell her and like, it was a lot going on,

Damona  21:19  

even though you’re not in the pod, so I feel like this is still a conversation that you’re going to need to have right? You’re still absolutely going to need to figure out that point of when to really fully bring yourself to the relationship and I know a lot of our listeners are are grappling with that too, especially during Coronavirus time where like we’re we’re talking like in like you were in the pods only it’s through your phone and they don’t really know people but you almost develop this false sense of intimacy this feeling that you you think you know the person but you don’t really know the person. I mean, did you feel about Once you revealed your fluidity to diamond that like she was a different person than you thought she was, or do you think it was something else that that caused the rift

Carlton Morton  22:14  

to a certain extent, I felt that maybe she was a little different at swag kept saying, Please don’t be stereotypical right now because there were a few things that she was saying in that moment, that I was like, whoa, wait, like, so it made me like it turned to the fire just kept getting hotter and I was like, just loading, loading, loading, and then it just exploded. You know, there was like, a lot of back and forth that I was like, wait, that’s how you feel. That’s how you really feel like you know, but then looking back, I can’t like even fault her for those things. Because again, I said ain’t said I didn’t really know. Um, I don’t

Damona  23:00  

It’s so it’s so big of you to acknowledge that and even you know, I watched the reunion too, and how you really, really try to make amends with her. And that’s something that I think a lot of people aren’t able or willing to do.

Carlton Morton  23:16  

I tell you in an exclusive like, that I haven’t really told us that was such an impromptu, like, big sub speech, because my initial plan was that I was going to get my fiance back. Okay, I was gonna say, listen, we don’t have to start planning a wedding right now. But like, I want my fiance back and I want to save this, what can we do? But when I stood up, everybody kind of gas. And she kind of looked at me like, I know he is not about to propose. And so I was like, do you like go back to being publicly humiliated in front of millions of people? Or do you just like say face right now? So it’s like me See?

Carlton Morton  24:02  

I had it on my mind to get mushy. Yes.

Damona  24:05  

Wow. Thank you for sharing that with me.

Carlton Morton  24:09  

I’m like holding that in. And when you said it, I’m like, Oh, I haven’t lived that out.

Damona  24:14  

Yeah, I’m glad that you did. And I and you know them. We just live in so many boxes, Carlton. And it’s like there’s the box of being black. There’s a box of being bisexual. There’s a box of just being

Carlton Morton  24:27  

in a box. Yeah. And

Damona  24:28  

it’s hard to navigate that, and I think a lot of people watch the show. You know, we’re eating our popcorn. Like, he shouldn’t have said that. I can’t believe he did that. Oh, girl. Did you see that?

Carlton Morton  24:37  

Yeah.

Damona  24:38  

But like, it’s so nice to be able to really talk to you as you’re processing. And you’re still processing it. And we’d like to think that if we were in the same situation, oh, we wouldn’t have done that. Right. You don’t know. You don’t know if those cameras aren’t in your face. And you don’t have the pressure of that moment. Like anything could happen.

Carlton Morton  24:59  

And I think it’s more Importantly about we have to start thinking as humans, where do we put the most emphasis on? As it relates to what matters? I don’t get why there is a constant attack on the LGBT II when it comes time for us to live in our truth. Because there are a lot of factors that we could hold against other people. Hey, what’s your political party? Hey, I was definitely asking people’s political.

Damona  25:24  

Well, that’s become one of the biggest filters on dating apps and in dating today that that is now it went from being, you know, number five or six on the list to now number one or two for most people. But you’re right, you’re right. You know what it is Carlton, it’s fear. It’s that it’s fear of the unknown. And I mean, even I’m feeling right now. I wrote this Washington Post piece about racial bias in dating, and people are not handling it. Well. I have to just say, people are not handling my my suggestion that we question Our own beliefs and we ask, Well, why? Why am I so afraid of that? Or why have I drawn that line in the sand? And I’m somebody also, like, one of my boyfriend’s was bisexual, openly, like, I knew that he was bisexual. He’s now gay. But you know, it’s a it’s a spectrum, right? Yeah. So so I can absolutely relate to everything that you’re saying. But something about the way I was raised I was conditioned to question and to be open and to not draw some of those lines in the sand that a lot of other people just haven’t had the opportunity yet yet. Growth Mindset to explore. And that’s what you’re up against. It’s it’s like that the box like I was saying,

Carlton Morton  26:46  

No, and I think representation matters. Like there needs to be like people need to continue seeing people like myself on TV who are bisexual black men, you know, because otherwise, like, what do we have to look up to them? No, there was no one on TV. Like me before me. Like I looked everywhere reality TV kind of sir. Like, there was no one like me on TV before me. So I’m very proud that I could like at least start the conversation.

Damona  27:16  

Yeah. Thank you for blazing that trail.

Carlton Morton  27:19  

Yeah, you honor. honor that I chose me. I think it’s time that people see like, you know, more bisexual people in on dating show, period. I’d love to be the first. The first bisexual back there. Hi.

Damona  27:34  

All right, you said it here first.

Carlton Morton  27:37  

I see.

Damona  27:38  

All right, just to wrap up for a lot of our listeners who are single and ready to mingle. What did you learn about dating in the pods that you think can be relevant in dating today if you were to give them one or two pieces of advice for how they should move forward?

Carlton Morton  27:51  

Um, I would say honesty will take you everywhere and trust just make sure it’s someone that you can trust. Be honest vulnerable sometimes we shut down because of our experiences in the past and that keeps us away from getting to the future. Oh, trust your heart, your heart all lie to you. And you’re gonna know when it’s the right time to have certain discussions and never be too hard on yourself. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t work out sometimes it’s just timing. So don’t give up.

Damona  28:23  

Well, Carlton, I hope timing lines up for you again because you are a gym and I’ve really enjoyed this conversation with you.

Carlton Morton  28:30  

Thank you Sorry I put on the waterworks. I didn’t realize that it would come out today.

Damona  28:35  

When you’re being real and authentic. You’re

Carlton Morton  28:37  

such an emotional person. Like I’m so sensitive. I’m so like, and people don’t always get to see this. I

Damona  28:44  

thank you so much for your honesty. Thank you for being here. There’s so much to learn from what Carlton said. First, remember the power of vulnerability. Men are told to stay strong not cry not show weakness. Do you see what just happened? When Carlton showed his true self and his true feelings, he drew us in. He wishes he could have done that in his relationship with diamond. But he’s learning to do it now. Which brings me to my second point, forgiveness. To move into your dream relationship. You need to be willing to forgive the past. Even if diamond is still processing what happened. And believe me, a lot happened which might take a long time for her to process. But Carlton has forgiven himself for hurting someone he loved. None of us are perfect. Many of us say hurtful things that come from our own place of pain. forgiving yourself for your past mistakes is the first step to moving forward. My third takeaway is to face your fear. Your Carlton say that if he could do it again, he would not have been so afraid of what people would say in the pods and he would have left more have his true self shine through. as scary as it is to acknowledge something so personal about yourself as a sexual orientation that has often caused you to be excluded in the past. If you are going to bond your life with another person, you have to be willing to face your past fear and be brave enough to open up to that person fully. Fourth, we are constantly growing and evolving. And that means you don’t need to wait for healing to occur or enlightenment to strike to be ready to date again. We learn in motion, so you don’t need to wait to find love. If you are committed to the process of understanding yourself and growing as a human, you can love in your imperfect form and find someone willing to learn and grow with you. Finally, keep the faith in spite of all that Carlton went through he said he would do an experience like love is blind again. And he’s still looking for true love. No matter what you’ve been through before, I hope that Carlton has inspired you to keep the faith the true love is out there for you too. This has been Episode 317 of dates and mates and the first of four dates and mates love lessons. For more of Carlton’s journey. You can follow him on Instagram at Carleton Morton and you can also check out his charity for kids called Camp Carlton and support if you feel called

Dating During Coronavirus & Healing Powers

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CORONAVIRUS

The Coronavirus panic is spreading and the world needs some healing right now. Today we’re using our intuition to heal our love lives as well as learning some ways to continue dating during this time.

This is an uncertain time but love conquers all. 

Even though we are in the midst of social distancing, the tools that we have available now could still help you lay the foundation for a future relationship. 

Today’s co-host is Clarissa Silva, love coach, behavioral scientist, and former infectious disease specialist. She’s the most qualified person I know to tell us why love is not lost during this time.

Our co-host for today is Clarissa Silva, Behavioral Scientist and Clinician. She is the creator of “Your Happiness Hypothesis Method” which helps people understand their relationship patterns and gives them a roadmap to romance.

This revolutionary approach is based on an algorithm she created and used to meet her husband.

She was trained as a scientist and researcher at the University of Michigan where she received the prestigious National Institutes of Health Ford/Fogarty fellowship. 

You’ve seen her on Fox, NBC, HuffPost, ABC, CBS, and so much more!

DATING DISH (2:00)

Love in Time of Coronavirus

Coronavirus is a HUGE issue right now. As the world ventures into various states of quarantine, we at Dates & Mates are wondering: what about love?

Clarissa walks us through the latest trends in dating during quarantine.

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What You Can Learn From Love Is Blind

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few months, you know that Netflix’s latest love reality show is sweeping the nation. Have they ACTUALLY solved all modern dating dilemmas?

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HEALING POWERS (10:00)

We are still finding Love in Times of Coronavirus, people!

Now, since you may have a little more time on your hands here’s an exercise I want you to try: visualize how your ideal mate will make you feel when you’re around them.

Imagine waking up on a lazy Sunday with the love of your life. What is your gut feeling when you’re with them?

It’s hard to put into words, right? But it’s something a lot of people overlook when they’re dating with intention. Even if your ideal match is perfect on paper, they can’t be the right fit if it just doesn’t feel like home.

Cheesy? Maybe. True? Without a doubt.

Enter my guest for today: Laura Powers, celebrity psychic and host of the Healing Powers Podcast. She teaches how to tap into your intuition and find that “feeling” you’re looking for. 

Laura covers:

  • Understanding what you bring to a relationship
  • How to read the feeling and energy you get from your date
  • How to use intuition to break your bad dating patterns
  • and so much more!

Make sure to check out Laura Powers’ “Healing Powers Podcast”!

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TECHNICALLY DATING (34:49)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • IG – I’ve been dating this attractive, successful guy for about 3 months. He’s dealing with some family drama and has been asked to help out with his grandma as well as financially support his parents which has been emotionally weighing on him. He has opened up about all of this to me and he’s said that he doesn’t think he can take being in a relationship right now. Right now we talk daily and hang out 1-2 times a week. I’m happy with how things are but worried that 6 or 9 months down the line, nothing will change and he won’t commit to me. He knows I want to be married and have kids which may be why he’s bringing this up now versus later. Any thoughts?
  • Patreon: Is it good or bad if you hold out from going all the way?

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WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello lovers Welcome to dates and mates. Today we have two very special experts joining me. My guest for today is Laura powers. She’s the host of the healing powers podcast, and she’ll be talking with us about how using intuition can impact your love life. But first, let me introduce my guest co host for today. Clarissa Silva. She’s a behavioral scientist and clinician and the creator of the your happiness hypothesis method which helps people understand their relationship patterns and gives them a roadmap to romance. This revolutionary approach is based on an algorithm that she created and then used to meet her husband She was trained as a scientist and researcher at the University of Michigan. And you’ve seen her on Fox and on NBC, huffpost, ABC, CBS, and so much more. Let’s give big smooches to Clarissa Silva.

Clarissa Silva  1:14  

Oh, thank you, Tamara. I’m so honored to be here in such a pleasure to be on your show again. Welcome back

Damona  1:20  

with Clarissa, we’re going to discuss this week’s news like how is coronavirus affecting dating? Sorry, not sorry. We got to talk about it, y’all. And what can we learn about romance from the hit TV show? Love is blind. Then after our interview with amazing Laura powers, Clarissa and I will be answering your questions in technically dating, like, how long should you hold on if a guy isn’t ready to commit yet? And is it good or bad to withhold sex from a guy you’re dating?

Clarissa Silva  1:52  

Clarissa Are you ready to do these headlines? Yes, I’m excited. These dating dish

Damona  2:00  

Well, I was excited to read on thrive global, which you have written for for a while, but you give this different perspective on dating and relationships with your background as a behavioral scientist and you’re Clarissa wrote this article on coronavirus and dating that you have to read. So this is going to be our jumping off point for the conversation today because the article which was written last week, looked at the the the behaviors of people right now, dating in the time love in the time of coronavirus, and according to the experts that she spoke to including Michael Kay who’s Okay, Cupid’s global communications manager he is saying that everything is like all systems go and 88% of people that they surveyed were like, No, I’m not stopping dating just because of Corona virus. Clarissa I am curious to hear first of all, do you think That anything has changed in the last week, I’m feeling an increase in anxiety. But are you seeing people still looking to date and connect face to face right now?

Clarissa Silva  3:11  

Hi, everyone. Thank you. I’m a former infectious disease specialist. So everything that I am looking at this from the lens of epidemic, this is just like anything else. I mean, we lived through HIV and it was the same thing you were told you couldn’t touch, hug, do all the stuff. And we lived through that right but as we go through heftier quarantine periods, it’d be interesting to see like, how much how much in real life connection Are you going to be doing? Right? I still say that video communication will be the primary vehicle of how people will continue to date.

Damona  3:46  

Yeah, it’s interesting how that that drive for love is really so strong. I actually talked about video chat dating last week on our masterclass or 300th episode. I said, for those of you who haven’t heard it, I said Mark my words, we’re going to see an increase in video chat dating, and that’s going to become now the primary pre date filter that you’ll be going through. Now this was all before the quarantines and before like, we record this before that even happened, I believe that this is going to accelerate the use of that being a commonplace replacement for the phone call. And people have heard me say on the show before, I have not been a big fan of video chat dating before, but I believe that’s the direction that we’re heading in because we are craving authenticity. And I think we have missed that crucial step of the pre connection before you go out on the date. That’s why we have so much ghosting. But now we when we layer it with also, meeting face to face could mean risking your life. I think that video chat date becomes even more crucial. Do you see people using it as a Still a primary filter? Or do you see people maintaining long term relationships over video chat before they ever even meet in person.

Clarissa Silva  5:10  

So that was one that was one of my main drivers of talking to the vet DJ. NET local for love. So local for love is, is built on the premise that hey, this could cut cut the BS and dating have a video chat as your first date. Right so when I asked Vivek Jane Have you seen an increase and he was like yeah over 60% increase as occurred think of the worst case scenario. So the people that are going to go crazy, like the extroverts, right that needs like now you know, not be contained to their space or have some kind of entertainment video format does relieve some of that anxiety. So I think greater use of video and hopefully maybe they transition to to life. You actually mentioned in the article, a quote about people who are staying home and binge Netflix are still matching people online. So that brings me to our second topic for today’s dating dish. The Netflix hit reality show love is blind. I’ve been asked for for,

Damona  6:11  

for quotes from so many different outlets about love is blind. It feels like it’s all that’s in my social media timeline other than coronavirus. So everyone is talking about love is blind. What I’m interested in as a dating and relationship coach is what we can learn from love is blind. And I know you you’ve seen the show as well. Right, Clarissa Yeah. Okay, I find this fascinating and spoiler alert for anyone who has not seen the show yet because all the episodes are now released. So it’s fair game for me to talk about the results. But overall, there are 15 women 15 men, six proposals, right six or was it Seven, six or six? proposals, six proposals, ultimately, two marriages that are still together today. And it makes you wonder what it what was the secret special sauce in those pods where they couldn’t see one another and they could only date through hearing one another’s voice. What do you think that was as a behavioral scientist that bonded those people in a way that they were able to build a relationship apart from even the physical connection? I mean, some of them saw each other in person and then weren’t able to really build the physical connection over time. But to the two out of two couples out of 15 potential couples is a pretty good batting average once you say.

Clarissa Silva  7:47  

Well, I the only criticism that I have is that I think the show took took the concept a little too literally, right? Yes. Like there are aspects of love that are completely irrational, and that defy logic. Right? That’s, that’s what makes this this emotion so interesting as a sciences, right? If you notice all like majority of, of the couples, the ones that finally hit that final round, but all of them were connecting on like a very emotional level,

Damona  8:22  

right? For the two couples that well there’s three couples still together but two couples that were married, what can we learn from their experience in the pods? And, you know, as a reality producer, I thought there should have been more of the conversation in the pods. I felt like I don’t really know the people. But that aside, that aside, something was happening in those pods that really made them feel bonded enough to one another that they would propose sight unseen to spend the rest of their lives with another person. So what can we take from that? And what can we apply to our own dating experience to ask the kind of questions have the kind of experience that they had in the pods and recreate that in our dating life?

Clarissa Silva  9:06  

Well see, I think part of this experiment is that we have to remember that these these were people that were of a mindset, right. So with my clients, probably 80% of them are already marriage minded or long term commitment minded. So to get on the show, you had to agree to go through a real marriage ceremony whether you know what I mean, like, so you already had to want and desire marriage long term, right?

Damona  9:36  

So it’s intent. You’re saying intent was the secret sauce of the of this particular of this particular experiment that that was the primary filter. Right? Right. I should have learned something from talking to you. And I know you, you have a lot more insight to share with us. So those are the headlines of the week, but we’re going to be taking a different direction. Talking to Laura powers after the break about how you can use intuition to guide your love life. Stick around. We’re here with Laura powers. She is an entertainer, author and celebrity psychic. She also hosts the healing powers podcasts, get it powers powers, she’s going to share some of her powers with us. You may have seen her before in BuzzFeed or on NBC, ABC, CBS or Fox she also was recently interviewed by Will Ferrell on his podcast, the Ron Burgundy podcast, so please help me give big smooches to Laura powers. Thanks so much for having me today. I am excited to get into these powers to like unite powers with you. And I know in on your show, it does tap into your work as a celebrity psychic, but you also talk a lot about health and wellness and the way that different aspects of your life impact other systems. Do people are listening to the show because they want love and you’ve kind of been through this journey yourself to have of needing to address health before love could come your way? Yeah, so

Laura Powers  11:14  

our spiritual health and what we can have in our life, our intuition, they’re all really connected. So I feel like we can’t really silo things. So sometimes when people come to me and they’re looking for help with love, it’ll come up Wow, we need to work on your work life balance or your health or something else. Anything that is bringing your energy down will also impact what you can allow and receive in other areas.

Damona  11:37  

Okay, so let’s break that down for people because I know there are some folks that are listening that are like, I’m good. I have a great job. I work out all the time. And the only thing that is not flowing for me is my love life. And they may call a celebrity psychic powers and say, what’s going on for me in love? What would you first have them do to kind of tune in into different areas of their of their wellness and Life Center.

Laura Powers   12:04  

Well, first thing I do is look at them in particular to see what’s going on, because everyone has a different kind of karmic path and different things that are going on. But a lot of times there’s something in our life that maybe we’re not aware of, maybe we have some boundaries that are not being honored. And when that happens, it’s like sending a mixed message to the universe. So if we’re saying we want one thing, but then another life area, we’re accepting something different, it can basically send a message to universe like, what I want doesn’t really matter.

Damona  12:32  

Okay, so you’re saying, if you are you said accepting something, like, let’s give an example. You are at work? Yeah. And you are always the person that they go to? Because you’re always available and you’re always taking on town. Exactly. You’re feeling overwhelmed. Yeah. Is that what

Laura Powers   12:54  

you mean? Exactly. That could be one or maybe you have like a really needy friend. You’re always rescuing or

Laura Powers   13:00  

You know, girls, you know, and

Laura Powers  13:02  

yeah, or maybe you are not taking time for self care, maybe you go to the gym but you’re not giving yourself kind of loving, nurturing energy. If you don’t give that energy to yourself, you’re basically kind of rejecting it and not sending the message to the universe that you want that loving, positive nurturing energy, and then it’ll be hard for you to receive it from someone else as well.

Damona  13:23  

And I know you do this when you’re working with clients, you can assess and, and do a scan of what’s happening in different areas of their life different, probably different chakras different messages that you get. I know everyone at home is going, how could I start to do this myself? Is there a way that you can train your clients to get so far on their own before they come to you?

Clarissa Silva  13:49  

Absolutely. So I actually do a lot of training. I teach classes, group classes, and then I do one on one training. Certainly learning to tap intuition and understand whatever your gifts are is really important because you know, if you’re a clairvoyant if you’re an empath, and clairvoyant means seeing an empath is someone who feels energies and emotions from outside their body. So for empaths, it is super, super important to really get an understanding what’s theirs and what’s not theirs. Oh, yeah,

Damona  14:13  

not I have been through that. Yeah, I’m an empath as well.

Laura Powers   14:16  

Yeah. And

Damona  14:18  

sometimes, you know, I’ll go into a situation where I’ll go into a new space. And I’ll just feel really overwhelmed. And I’m like, what’s going on? Like, I don’t know why all of a sudden, my heart’s beating fast. And I. And, you know, I’ve done some of this psychic development work too, and getting in touch with, where’s that message coming from and sometimes, like you might sit across from a date, and you feel this energy from them and you don’t know why, like on paper, they seem really great, but you don’t know why. And I really have my clients get into the feeling of being with someone new and what does it feel like when you’re with them? Because that will that will unlock a lot of information for you. Oh

Laura Powers   14:58  

my gosh, I’m so glad you brought that Because I think this is true for everyone, but it’s especially true if you’re an empath, if you have that kind of sensitivity. So one of the things that happened with me is I attracted a lot of like very, I would say, successful in terms of societal kind of norms. narcissism in talking about, like, really wealthy men very successful, and then I’d be around them. And I was like, wow, I feel so insecure like, and I used to think when it first happened, I was like, Oh, I just feel insecure because they have so much and I don’t know, but what I realized after a period of time was that I was actually as an empath. They were really insecure as a person and I was picking up on that. So that’s, that’s something to pay attention to. When you’re around someone, how do you feel when you’re around them? If you’re an empath, it’s very likely that you’re feeling what they’re feeling and if you don’t feel good for whatever reason, then it’s probably not a great situation. Do you believe that

Damona  15:57  

everyone has an element of psychic ability or empathy. I mean, yeah, everyone has empathy, but empathy on that sort of level,

Laura Powers   16:05  

not everyone does have empathy, actually, I mean, I think it’s kind of a shock to a lot of people, but I think it’s definitely a range and that, you know, kind of from zero to 100, or whatever. And I would say everyone has a little something. But what that is, varies greatly. And also, we don’t have any kind of psychic training in our society automatically. Like you don’t when you’re a kid, you don’t learn your psychic. ABCs. Yeah, that’s, you know, and

Damona  16:33  

they’ll say, like, trust your gut.

Laura Powers   16:35  

Yeah,

Damona  16:35  

but no, but nobody really knows what that means.

Laura Powers   16:38  

Exactly. No one knows no one has learning. You know, there’s no learning system where people can access that. And I found, for example, when I teach classes and do trainings, it’s amazing to me how many people will come in and they’ll be like, well, I’m just kind of curious. I just wanna explore and then we start doing some psychic exercises. I’m like, Oh my gosh, you are super psychic, but they’ve literally just never practiced it. So I think a lot of people have that. And even just having a few psychic tools can really help. And I was telling you before we started the interview that one of the reasons I got psychic training was because I had a horrible divorce. And I basically was like, I don’t want to ever go through that again. So I got training, I started to look at the guys that I was considering dating,

Laura Powers   17:19  

to try to get a better sense of what was really going on.

Laura Powers   17:21  

Right? Well, that’s,

Damona  17:23  

that’s a high level skill set that you that you’ve developed, but even at the beginning, just assessing what what you have attracted before. I mean, that’s, that’s so much of this process is like and that’s why I begin every program that I do with mindset. Yeah, and with with assessing like who you are, what you want, what have you attracted in the past? What are your patterns? What are your predominant thoughts because also, like there’s a lot that a lot of work that I’ve had to do in reducing the chatter we all have that that inner critic that chatter in our brains and that really blocks Any psychic ability for me any tuning in?

Laura Powers   18:02  

And I think a lot of times it’s actually connected with your psychic ability. That chatter is actually different beings talking with you.

Damona  18:08  

Sometimes Yes. But like that inner voice that is like talking you out of things. Yeah, judging things. Like a lot of my clients will will come to me, I’ll say, What is your What? What’s your love mantra right now? And a lot of times they’ll say to me before I even ask like, well, there’s no single guys in my city. Well, all the women that I date or after my money, and then the more that you repeat that thought, the more that thought becomes your reality. And then the more you’re attracting, it’s kind of like what you were saying before. Then you start attracting, you attract what you don’t want, because the message is just amplified.

Laura Powers   18:49  

Yeah, completely. I agree that we definitely have our own thoughts, but I believe most people are actually basically picking up on thought forms ideas from others. other beings could be other humans could be non human entities. So just like they’re beings of the light, you know, I believe in angels, they’re helpful they will send you positive messages, but there are non helpful beings that will also share negative thoughts. I think of them as like energy parasites, and they will, you know, feed on fear, anxiety, stress, pain, anger, etc. And they will go wherever there’s food, so if we have a lot of negative mind talk, that they are kind of feeding us and they just keep kind of keep that going. Yeah, eat on it. Yeah, that’s

Damona  19:34  

true. We don’t want that know, from happening. One thing we haven’t talked about before on the show, and that is something I know you’ve addressed, is past lives. And this is like this is such a, you know, we’re playing on today’s show and looking at what is possible and and so many there’s so many theories of like the love that you attract is somewhere That you have had a history with in the past? I don’t know, I’ll just be like, totally upfront, even as someone that believes in a lot of these things I literally do not know on past lives. But I’ve had a lot of funny coinkidink What is your feeling on past lives?

Laura Powers   20:15  

Yeah, I think most of us here have had quite a few lives. And a lot of times when we have some kind of close relationship with someone, it’s it’s very likely that we’ve had past lives with that person. So whether it’s a parent or a spouse or a child, and we are helping each other learn various lessons, and we learn a lesson two degrees. So let’s say this is something came up with a client where she came in and she was having a hard time in her marriage and didn’t feel comfortable. And when I looked at their past lives, she had been the slave of her. Oh, my husband in a past life. Yeah, yeah. So you know it. I looked at her psychically and so she was basically she was wearing a color and like, you Kind of at his beck and call. And it was like when I like the passive was like No wonder, like her lesson was to have stronger boundaries and do what she wanted and not just, you know, do someone else as well have her own sense of power. And just helping her understand that she cried during the session. And she felt this relief but also helps confirm for her why she felt this way because she did feel like controlled and disempowered in the relationship. And then just even knowing that sometimes will help you just have comfort and then be better able to move forward instead of a lot of people will have these feelings but they’ll just dismiss it because it’s not

Laura Powers   21:36  

logical.

Damona  21:37  

Yeah, I’m sure a lot of people come to you from the logical

Laura Powers   21:41  

point of view.

Damona  21:43  

How do you get them past that point to see see other perspectives of things that you know, there’s no empirical evidence one way or another about any of this stuff that that you’re talking about? And that and yet, I know you’ve experienced I know I’ve experienced it. I know many of my, my clients, I’ve experienced it too. How do you get people over that hump from like skeptic to believer?

Laura Powers   22:09  

I would say most people that come and work with me are already there. But there are people that are just curious. And I think the best thing is just to be open and then see what resonates. And just see what unfolds. You know, I have one client that came in, and he was just kind of curious, started listening to podcasts. And I could talk about this because he’s talked about it publicly. He was on my podcast, and then he booked a session and in the reading, I said, you’re gonna write a book. And eventually that book is going to be your work and you’re going to tour around the world and, you know, talk about it. And at the time, he was like, I don’t know, then he, you know, a year later wrote the book year later was the bestseller. So just being open and just, just sometimes it’s just this information that comes in and also there is more and more evidence about some of these things. So his book is called an To upside down thinking so if you’re very scientifically minded, that book by Mark Ober is all about the scientific aspect of consciousness, and there’s quite a bit in there that’s specifically talking about psychic abilities and intuition.

Damona  23:12  

Oh, wow, you’ve inspired him. Yeah, you come here. I’m sure. You’ve inspired a lot of people through your work. Thank you. Yeah, that’s my goal. Well, you and you’re doing the healing powers podcast, talk to me a little bit more about that, and about some of the themes that you’ve addressed and that you aim to address going forward that that would be relevant for dates and mates listeners.

Laura Powers   23:36  

Sure. So I think you know, if you’re wanting to improve your love life, whether that’s to find a partner or to improve your relationship, intuition is going to be extremely helpful because it’s basically like the learning the easy way to go. Like what you’re being guided to do is going to help you have less pain and suffering, which I think is ultimately what we all want and and have more love in our lives. And on that podcast, we talk a lot about intuition. Access then then we also talk about the physical aspect because the mechanisms that we are using quite a bit for our intuition and psychic abilities are in the gut, and the heart and the brain. And especially in our society, we have a lot of like gut health issues.

Laura Powers   24:16  

Yeah. Talk to us about Oh, just

Laura Powers   24:18  

eating poor food. Our microbiome is messed up from antibiotics and our immunity and everything is there. Well, what’s bad for the gut is bad for the brain. Like we have the second highest number of neurons in our gut as we do in the brain. So basically, if your digestion is messed up, your brain is messed up. And your brain is where you know, our third eye is and that area is believed to be in the pineal gland. So if you are physically not doing so well in those areas, you are not going to be able to tap into your intuition, which again, is to help you just navigate better in your life and you experience that yourself as well. You are on a

Damona  24:55  

less healthy path. Yeah. Talk to us about your story.

Laura Powers   24:58  

Yeah. And so In my case, I was about 55 pounds heavier than I am now I was on sleeping pills. I was diagnosed as depressed. I had PCs, which is polycystic ovary syndrome. I just I was a real mess and was trying to heal it sort of the sort of standard way I was eating the standard American diet. And like, you know, everything was not bad enough to where I was getting a lot of headway and sort of the traditional way. So I started going some alternative health practitioners and addressing my diet. And once I did that, you know, things started to really shift for me. So I, before you move on, you would also mention you had a marriage that ended was this happening simultaneously. Yeah, so that was all intertwined. It was all intertwined. And, you know, I left my marriage, I mean, some big health changes. I started taking psychic development classes. So that’s why on my podcast, we talked about all of these things together, because I don’t think you can just isolate You know, one area of your life, it’s all connected. So if you have, you know, A major health issue immune disorder, maybe your relationships actually are being that come into, you know, view because I think a lot of people, for example, when they have a chronic health condition, there’s usually some kind of a relational issue that’s at its core.

Damona  26:15  

Oh, wow. That’s deep. That’s deep and and I think also sometimes when you are so consumed with what’s happening in your health issue, or in another area that is not being addressed, then, like, how can you even begin to think about finding love if you are if you don’t feel well, or you are, you’re stressed from you know, work, family, friends, anything, if you’re not addressing those things, then it’s just overwhelming to even think about opening yourself up to love.

Laura Powers   26:51  

Absolutely. And the other thing I’d like to bring in as it relates to love is the importance of following your soul plan or purpose which might seem disconnected from life. But there’s a lot of people when they incarnate they’ve basically decided on a soul level. I am not going to have relationship until I kind of do XYZ.

Laura Powers   27:07  

Hmm.

Damona  27:08  

Wait, I hear this all the time from the guys that listen to the show. Yeah, they’re not ready for a relationship until they get their finances together until they get such so far along in their career, is that what you’re talking about? Or something even

Laura Powers   27:22  

I’m talking about that but maybe not necessarily dark, tied with finances, but your soul’s desire. So let’s say you’re like, Hey, I really want a relationship, but your soul is like, well, until I write that book or I do whatever. I’m not that doors closed. Because maybe on a on a personality level, you know, as a soul that once you get a relationship, all your focus goes on that relationship. True. So I think this is all different from person to person, but these are some of the patterns and things that I see people so just checking in like, what is it that you came here due to so what does that lights you on fire? Are you doing that? Maybe you have a stable Good job. But it’s not your purpose. You’re not excited. It’s not driving passion in you, and then you’ve kind of shut that door down for yourself.

Damona  28:06  

Yeah, yeah, that’s, that’s so true. And you know, the same thing in relationships. Like there may be some people listening right now who are in a relationship that doesn’t really excite them, you know, and it’s sometimes there’s a feeling that it’s easier to stay the course than to go through all of the I don’t want to say the drama or the chaos, but you know, to go through that experience of reorganizing your life. But you’ve done it. You’ve been there. Yeah. Through the tough stuff.

Laura Powers   28:37  

Yeah.

Damona  28:38  

And you were able to rebuild your life in a more, more passion filled way, right.

Laura Powers   28:44  

Yeah. And I do see one pattern that comes up over and over again, is just boundaries and whatever you allow, is what you get more of. So the analogy I give to people is that it’s very much like a Netflix cue, which may sound funny, but like Whatever you watch on Netflix, it kind of suggests other show like here’s, yeah, you know, here’s some other shows like that. And the world is like that. So whenever you’re accepting something, if it’s not what you what you want, say no. Yeah, say no. Because otherwise you’re just gonna keep getting that. And sometimes you, you know, it’s like there’s a memory in the queue. And let’s maybe you haven’t watched a horror movie for a year. But you watched that one A while ago, and it just kind of keeps showing up for a while. Yeah, so you have to say no, for a while sometimes because for fully like, the new thing starts to show up that you want.

Damona  29:31  

Yeah, I feel like my Netflix queue doesn’t even know me. Like, sometimes it suggests things and I’m just like, really, you think that but in a way, like if we use that analogy, sometimes you’ll you’ll get things that you’re just like, how did this even come into my head, especially you know, I talk a lot about dating apps, online dating. And when you’re in that space of swipe, where you really don’t know that much about the person if you’re not Keep queued into your intuition, and you’re just swiping based on looks or something superficial or something. Like, you know, people will tell me Oh, well, he asked to be over six feet like that is my main criteria. Like, what? There’s so many other things that are much more important than that. But if you continue to swipe it, same thing, algorithms, just like Netflix, it will bring you more of the people that you shouldn’t be swiping right on, or that you don’t really have that, that deeper connection with. If you were to advise a client on tapping into intuition for swiping, how would you do it?

Laura Powers   30:38  

Gosh, Well, the first thing I’d say take a look and see what you feel. And then just take a moment pause and like, see what you feel in your body when you think of that person? Mm hmm. Because our bodies tell us so much and most people are just completely ignoring it. Because they don’t understand it. They just don’t even think to do it. But yeah, do you feel excited? Do you feel upset In your stomach, do you feel a sense of dread? Like these are all things that most people are just not even pausing to listen to what their body is telling them. And it’s so important for safety, obviously, with something like, you know, dating where it’s a complete stranger, but also just is this person able to connect with you in the way that you want to?

Damona  31:18  

Yes, in a lot of times, we do get the message, you guys get the message, and then we shut it down. And we say, oh, but I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. Or, well, I don’t really know what if I’ll just go out with him and see when we’ve already heard the message.

Laura Powers   31:37  

Oh, absolutely. I love that. Maya Angelou quote, you know, when someone shows you who they are, believe them, you know, this is the biggest problem. And I think on a deeper level, a lot of this comes from this but there’s a lot especially a lot of women it can happen with men but as I see a lot with women, where they are in the sort of martyr pattern of trying to heal, save or rescue And what I say to anyone is in that pattern is you don’t have to sacrifice yourself to help someone. And if you do, that’s not actually helping. Because I believe the universe is benevolent. And it can be a win win. You can help someone and be good. Yeah, you don’t have to suffer or die. You know, at this point, it’s usually not someone dying, but maybe they’re, they’re sacrificing their emotions, or they’re being treated poorly. And that is a kind of sacrifice.

Damona  32:28  

self sacrifice. Yeah. And you also don’t have to, you don’t have to save everyone. Like I had a bit of a pattern for that before I met my husband, like, I would always attract guys that I thought I could help. And then I was like, I don’t want to date all these guys that, you know, is working as a casting director, like I don’t want to date these actors that need me to help them but at the same time, I would then date these actors and I’d be like, Can I help you? Right? So it’s like you were saying before, like attracting the same thing that you say that you Don’t want. And that’s really not the relationship that you want where you’re, you’re in it to save the other person or to help the other person. Right? It really should be a reciprocal support system for one another. Right?

Laura Powers   33:14  

Absolutely. And if that feels like a driving motivation behind the relationship that I’m saying that that’s not a healthy relationship, and that it’s sometimes the hardest thing is to keep saying no, even when the thing you don’t want isn’t showing up.

Damona  33:28  

Say that again. For me, Laura, because I think that’s really important.

Laura Powers   33:31  

Yeah, it’s sometimes the hardest thing is to keep saying no, even when what you want isn’t showing up. So basically, don’t accept something that isn’t what you want, just because it’s the only thing there because if you keep doing that, the thing you want will never show up because it’s like that,

Damona  33:45  

please. Vain cold. Yes. Yeah, that’s exactly it.

Laura Powers   33:49  

That that is. That’s

Damona  33:51  

the perfect place to end this conversation. Because sometimes there’s this feeling of, well, I don’t want to be alone. So and people say to me, Well, are you telling me I should just settle? No, I’m not telling you to settle. I’m telling you the opposite of settling. I’m telling you to keep that space open until you feel it. Right.

Laura Powers   34:12  

Yeah. And spend that time doing things that bring you passion and joy in other ways. Focus on yourself, you know, improving your life, and then you’ll be in a better place and you’ll automatically attract more of what you’re looking for anyway.

Damona  34:25  

Yes. Well, those are wise words to end this interview on. I am so excited that you were finally able to join me on the show here in LA. And I’m really excited for what’s next with the healing powers podcast. So thank you so much for being here.

Laura Powers   34:39  

Thank you so much for having me. It’s been my pleasure.

Damona  34:42  

We have more dates in May. It’s coming right up, so stick around.

Damona  34:49  

Welcome back to dates and mates.

Damona  34:50  

I am here with my co host, Clarissa Silva. And it’s time to break down your modern dating dilemmas. Clarissa you You know so much about dating from not just the dating coach perspective that I offer, but from a behavioral science perspective and you you have this happiness hypothesis, that tell us a little bit about the half happiness hypothesis and how you’ve how you’ve used that to not only meet your husband, but to help other people.

 

Clarissa Silva  35:20  

So when I was when I was single, and going through dating, I was frustrated and I was using online dating and in real life dating, and I felt like I was completely failing myself. I kept you know, following the same pattern. So then I kind of re engineered a lot of the stuff that I thought was ideal, right? So you you tell yourself, okay, these certain things are, are what you need, then you test it, right? So I was always treating dating like it was a social experiment. So once I put myself through the rigor of Hey, if you if you seriously think that these are the reasons that that your family Right, start start looking at this on a broader scale. So then we started testing out the model. And for two years in a row, we have 97% efficacy, and we reduce anxiety and depression risk and we increase brain health. It’s a decision making model to help you explore based on like five factors of decision making that impede your ability to find love.

 

Damona  36:25  

Well, I know you have a line out the door, people wanting to work with you, but I have a line of people wanting to ask questions. So I’m going to read a couple of them to you and hopefully people can get a little touch of the Clarissa Silva magic. Here’s our first question. This one comes to us from Instagram. She says I’ve been dating this attractive, successful guy for about three months. He’s dealing with some family drama and has asked has been asked to help out his grandma as well as financially support his parents, which has been emotionally weighing on him. He’s opened up about all of this to me. And he said that he doesn’t think he can be in a relationship right now. Right now we talk daily and hang out one to two times a week. And I’m happy with how things are but worried that six or nine months down the line, nothing will change. And he won’t commit to me. He knows I want to be married and have kids, which is, which may be why he’s bringing this up now versus later. Clarissa, is there any hope for this lady on Instagram? Is this a relationship she should be patient with? Or should she cut and run since he said that?

 

Clarissa Silva  37:33  

So there’s only two ways to go about this. He’s already exiting. Right? So I would take that as you’re exiting the relationship, and I don’t think that there is going to be any point where six months, nine months, three days down the line where they’ll evaluate because if they felt like you were part of that whole evaluation, then they wouldn’t let you go because they are going to be confronting different issues that go Grandmother, you know what I mean? And those are not times where people want to be alone.

 

Damona  38:06  

That’s true. I just wonder it’s only been three months. I just wonder if it’s too early. Like if maybe the conversation came out of him feeling pressured? And it’s like, well, if you want me to give you an answer right now, the answer is no. But if, if she continued to be a support system for him, and became someone that was trusted, so that he didn’t want to be alone and didn’t feel judged for having to, you know, contribute to his parents financial well being and help out his grandmother, then maybe he would see you in a different way. But I wonder if it’s just too soon to make a call or to put any kind of ultimatum on a person that essentially you just met?

 

Clarissa Silva  38:45  

Wow. Three months is not a short time. I mean, it is a short time, you know, but it’s enough. It’s enough data for you to know what you know. I mean, like, it’s, that’s enough time for you to figure out which way you feel about a person or which For you.

 

Damona  39:00  

Absolutely. I think the bottom line though is don’t force an outcome.

 

Clarissa Silva  39:03  

Right? To say that absolutely not. And that’s that’s probably what she’s trying to do. But she’s already been exited. So he exited A while ago. But she’s, she’s enamored and wants, wants it.

 

Damona  39:14  

But what do you say to those people? I know there are other listeners that are like, they feel like they’ve been exit exited. But he’s still calling her daily. He they’re still meeting up once or twice a week. So how can she deal with him having exited or opted out of being more serious, but still being in her life?

 

Clarissa Silva  39:36  

Yeah, they’re exited, you’re still you’re helping some optional queue. And that that seems normative to people where you know, it, we would see a difference if people just started saying, well, it’s a mutual exit at this point.

 

Damona  39:53  

I’m not gonna allow this to keep going on top not what I want.

 

Clarissa Silva  39:56  

I draw the line out right people, please. My

 

Damona  40:01  

All right, how about this question? Going kind of a different direction. This one came to us from our new Patreon group, which all of you all can join by going to patreon.com, slash dates and mates if you want to support the show and have more access to get your questions on the show. This person says, Is it good or bad if you hold out from going all the way? And this is from a lady. So withholding sex from someone that you are at the beginning stage of dating? What do you think? Clarissa?

 

Clarissa Silva  40:39  

Good, bad, ugly? Well see, these are the two arguments that are made to me all the time. So we have sex a screener happening amongst certain populations, right? When you when you talk to people that use sex as a screener, they say, Well, I’m not going to be in the game if I don’t have sex with them immediately. Right? And if I hold out the outcome is still the same, right? I’m holding out for whatever timeframe you hold out on. And you still get ghosted, right, like so. So the data point is am I compatible? Is this person going to ghost me? Should I hold off on doing like anything more committal on my ends, and hopefully prevents ghosting, hopefully find a decent person and the end result is ghosting. Anyway. Yeah.

 

Damona  41:28  

So it so the answer is doesn’t really matter. Like you’ve seen it work out if people have sex right away or not, it’s more about the substance of their connection beyond that,

 

Clarissa Silva  41:40  

right? So as long as it doesn’t have any impact on your self esteem, and you’re able to draw clear lines about what people are and what people aren’t in your, in your mind, or you’re getting some actual compatibility data, from the sex of screener then continue to do what you’re doing.

 

Damona  41:58  

Yeah, just to add myself two cents I think, obviously, everything you said is right. But I think also, sometimes now people look at sex as a screener, like you said, like if we’re not sexually compatible, and my perspective is that your connection with someone can grow. And once you and once you have like clear communication with them, if they’re willing to grow with you, in, you know, sexually and experiment and meet your needs in that way, then you can make any situation work. That’s my perspective. Obviously, there are other medical situation, but we won’t get into this. I’m just talking more generally right now. But the problem right now is if you’re using it as a tool, like Well, I’m gonna withhold sex, because then I’ll get the result that I want. That is not the way that you want to think about it. But if you’re like, I’m going to Hold on, because I just love that magic moment when you’re starting to get to know someone and you haven’t crossed that line and there’s all that anticipation before you’ve had sex and you won’t get that feeling back not in that way. And so my feeling is why rush it if you are living in the magic, and it’s not so long where they’re like, this is never gonna happen. It’s not like a Kenny Kelly was blind situation, then why are we in such a hurry? I don’t believe in sex as a as a primary screener because it tells you nothing about the emotional content of that person and their willingness to really commit to you and grow with you. Oh my gosh, we could talk about this forever. But I know you have lots of people to help. lots, lots of behavioral analysis to run. I so appreciate you being able to join us and I appreciated your article, which we’ll link to, and of course, if anyone wants to try the happiness hype This method or work with you personally, then Clarissa silva.com is the best place to go to get hooked up. Thank you for being here. Clarissa Thanks so much to Clarissa for joining us. You can find Clarissa at Clarissa silva.com and you can find Laura at Laura powers 44 healing powers dotnet and of course on the healing powers podcast, this has been Episode 301 of dates and maids. I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials. We need your questions. I know this is a crazy time. And there’s probably a lot going through your mind about whether it’s cuffing season, whether it’s social distancing season, how you can FaceTime a date and keep the connection going strong whatever it is, that’s on your mind. I’m here to help you with it. So you can DM me on all the socials at damona Hoffman or visit us at dates and mates calm and you can submit your question there. And we would love to have you join our community of love and support on this show on Patreon, you can see which goodies you’ll get from being a trusted friend with benefits of dates and mates if you check out our page patreon.com slash dates and mates. Next week we’ll be talking to Noel corto on how your brain chemistry might be leading you astray in love. That is a not to miss episode. Until next week, I wish you good health and happy dating