Going through stretches of singlehood is part of the dating process, but when the stretches run long, we can begin to lose our motivation. We may begin to doubt ourselves or question if we can create the kind of future we had in mind.
But what if we told you that these periods of singlehood were actually your greatest opportunities for growth and discovery? A time to confront your past and emerge into the world with a new perspective.
It might feel counterintuitive, but our guest today and good friend of the show, John Kim (AKA The Angry Therapist), is here to help you see the light. He will be joining Damona to talk about how you can transform being single into a joyous, exciting period of personal growth. Plus he’ll share some of the tips and exercises from his new workbook, 31 Days of Single on Purpose.
DATING DISH (1:45)
Here’s how long it takes most people to decide on a second date:
According to a new survey covered by the New York Post, the average dater knows whether or not they’d like to see someone again at the 19-minute mark of their first date. The article also noted some of the main traits folks pay attention to on a first date (manners, conversation skills, etc), as well as taboo first date topics and the main contributors to the end of a relationship.
As for Damona’s take? Although we may have made up our mind about someone at the 19-minute mark, your best first date should be 1 HOUR LONG. We break it all down on Damona’s blog here…
JOHN KIM (9:10)
John Kim is a Licensed Therapist & Life Coach, best-selling author and the host of The Angry Therapist podcast. His books include It’s Not Me, It’s You; Single On Purpose; I Used To Be A Miserable F*ck and more.
John’s latest book, a workbook, 31 DAYS OF SINGLE ON PURPOSE, is out now!
(11:30) Why a workbook, why now?
Although having written several books, “31 Days of Single On Purpose” is the first workbook John has published. He shares that he always found workbooks kind of cheesy, but what became his main source of inspiration was the aspect of being a community builder, and creating a venue for singles to help each other out using the workbook.
John says that singlehood is the soil most fertile for growth and that finding community or groups of people you resonate with is huge.
(16:30) What does it really mean to be single on purpose?
Inspired by his book of the same name, John recently began a podcast collective called Single On Purpose (check out Damona’s episode here). But what does it really mean to be single on purpose?
After having coached many singles who lost themselves in their relationships, John states “it just means to find yourself first.” So when you build a relationship with yourself, you go into relationships with a foundational sense of self.
Mantras and meditation also play a huge role in John’s definition of being single on purpose. There’s so much power in language, and “if we don’t have an intentional mantra, we return to distorted thinking.”
John continues that being single on purpose isn’t an easy feat, and shares his own struggles with his journey.
(25:10) “I’m not lonely, I’m experiencing loneliness.”
John and Damona dive into one of the hardest aspects of singlehood, which is remembering that everything is temporary. “When you’re single, the big fear is, is this going to be forever?”
John notes it’s important not to internalize your feelings of loneliness as a permanent state of being and instead remember it is a feeling that will pass. Just like Day 23 of his workbook states, remember that your experiences do not define you.
(30:45) How do you know you’re relationship-ready?
The whole concept of being “ready” for dating or a relationship is a slippery slope. Sometimes we may be ready but we don’t know it yet, or we may think we want to get out there but still have some necessary work to do.
John and Damona note that you might realize you’re ready when you meet a certain person, or some people even find “ready” while they’re dating. Of course, it’s all up to your discretion. But Johns says “it’s like having children – at some point you just take the leap.”
Be sure to follow John on Instagram @TheAngryTherapist and grab a copy of 31 Days of Single on Purpose by visiting TheAngryTherapist.com.
DEAR DAMONA (33:45)
IG Message from P – Hey Damona, I’m a single mom and have struggled to find love… I thought I found it in my most previous relationship but I was so wrong because I became a mistress and now I keep attracting that. I want my own relationship and I’m wondering if that’s what I’m putting out? I don’t want to jump into the wrong relationship because I have to protect myself and my child.