Dating is sometimes just a string of mistakes and learning experiences. We’ve all had our ups and downs – from figuring out how to flirt to navigating new relationships to learning how to read subtle cues. It’s sometimes trial and error, but who says it all to be sooo serious? What if, instead of internalizing our setbacks, we took a moment to laugh at them? Laughter is the best medicine, after all.
That’s why our guest this week is Lane Moore, host of the comedy stage show Tinder Live. She’ll be joining us to talk about her new book “You’re Not the Only One Effing Up: Breaking the Endless Cycle of Dating Mistakes.”
Later on, for our “Dear Damona” segment, we’ll answer this question: People often say boring equals healthy. But are there ever times this just isn’t true?
All right, pull up a chair and get ready, lovers. As they say, love don’t cost a thing – but our advice is priceless!
DATING DISH (1:43)
Money talks are getting spicy in the dating scene lately! As traditional gender roles shift and women gain financial independence, we’re seeing folks vet potential partners on money manners as much as romance. These matches are being referred to as “financial flames”.
In this week’s episode, we’re exploring whether getting fiscal can actually bring couples closer. Can shared finance goals and tools lead to greater understanding? Does splitting the check change the power balance? There’s a new “norm” in town!
LANE MOORE (9:39)
This week, we welcome Lane Moore! She is an award-winning writer, actor, comedian, and host of the “I Thought it Was Just Me” podcast on Patreon. Her best-selling books are titled “How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don’t,” and “You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult”.
Lane also has a brand new book out: “You’re Not the Only One Effing Up: Breaking the Endless Cycle of Dating Mistakes.” Her comedy show Tinder Live has been praised by the New York Times, Spin Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, CBS, Timeout New York and New York Magazine.
(10:40) What is Tinder Live?
Online dating can unearth some wild profiles. In her show Tinder Live, Lane lets audiences in on the swiping experience by projecting her actual app on stage. The crowd votes left or right, intentionally opting for oddball picks – we’re talking near-naked selfies, an excess of fish pics, even a guy snuggling roadkill!
While played for laughs, Lane takes a thoughtful approach, too. She critiques profiles constructively and finds that even chaotic matches can spark insightful conversations around better self-expression. “So it’s really taking that and turning it into something cathartic and really funny. There is an element of Tinder life that is also educational,” Lanes says.
(13:37) When is a Red Flag not a Red Flag?
Tired of toxic dating advice based on oversimplified “red flags”? Lane urges more nuance when evaluating relationships. She pushes back on rigid rules that write people off—like the trope that a guy not close to his mom spells trouble. Her own difficult upbringing taught Lane that family estrangement doesn’t define someone’s worth.
Lane unpacks the problematic “life hack” mentality around modern dating in favor of more compassionate understanding between partners.
(19:18) What About the Cat Dudes?
The data shows dudes with cats in dating profile pics get fewer messages. But Lane argues our reaction says more about lingering gender norms than the guys. “To me, it’s so obvious what that is. It’s because we think of cats as being a more feminine animal, like having a more feminine energy than a dog.” Lanes shares.
Lane calls BS – caring for pets shows compassion and consistency, right? And cats selectively give their love – so “cat guys” put in the effort!
(21:34) Green Flags
Forget red flags – Lane says start spotting relationship green flags! Instead of worrying what your date thinks, take note of how they make you feel. Do they bring fun energy that helps you relax and be yourself? Or are you working overtime to fill awkward silences and prop up bad convos?
Pay attention to that instinct telling you, “this kind of sucks.” You shouldn’t have to perform extreme emotional labor to save lackluster dates! As Lane puts it, dating is “an interview” to see if you both impress each other with natural chemistry and authenticity.
Be sure to check out the Tinder Live tour. Dates are listed at LaneMoore.org. Her new ebook and audiobook You’re Not the Only One F*cking Up: Breaking the Endless Cycle of Dating Mistakes is out now and available exclusively from Everand.
DEAR DAMONA (29:14)
Anonymous DM from Instagram:
- Could you add some nuance to the popular boring equals healthy advice? I understand it from an attachment perspective. But let’s assume I’ve done the inner work. I have found that boring just sometimes equals boring. I fully agree with your four pillars and wonder where things like intellectual connection and humor/laughter fit in because they aren’t often addressed in dating advice. I am rarely attracted to someone for their physical appearance. The “spark” for me is a good conversation that occasionally goes deep and laughs. So if that’s not there after one or two phone calls and or dates, I usually END things. Am I being short-sighted? I always try to give the benefit of the doubt, but it’s such a fine line between giving a connection time to bloom and leading someone on – of which I’ve been accused. Thanks.