Tag Archive for: Dating in 2024

dear damona damona hoffman dates & Mates podcast love after losing a partner

Love After Loss & The Vulnerability Gap

This week’s episode touches a place many of us don’t talk about enough: what it feels like to start over emotionally after loss.

Even when a connection seems strong on the surface, it’s not always easy to tell whether it’s built on real compatibility or just mutual comfort. And when grief is part of both people’s past, the lines between healing and hoping can get blurry.

This week, a listener shares:

“My partner and I both lost our spouses, and we bonded over that. Now, three months in, I’m the one opening up and being vulnerable. He also wants us to move in together already. Am I asking too much? Or moving too fast?”

She’s asking a question that goes deeper than just timelines or teasing. It’s about what it really means to feel emotionally safe, and what to do when that safety isn’t mutual yet.

(3:00) Grief Bonds Are Real, but So Are Emotional Timelines

When someone has gone through something similar to you, it creates instant understanding. But emotional readiness doesn’t always travel at the same speed.

Just because someone relates to your story doesn’t mean they’re in the same chapter of healing.

If your emotional needs are showing up early in a relationship, and the other person isn’t matching that energy, it’s worth pausing to ask what you actually need now… not what you both needed back then. 

The grief might have brought you together, but connection takes more than shared history.

(7:45) When One Person Opens Up and the Other Stays Quiet

The listener feels like she’s carrying the emotional weight in the relationship. This isn’t uncommon, especially when two people are still figuring out their own way forward after loss.

The tricky part is that vulnerability doesn’t always look the same. Some people speak in full paragraphs. Others shut down or use humor. 

But if you’re consistently feeling dismissed, like your feelings don’t have a place to land, something needs to shift.

As Damona puts it, “It’s not that your partner isn’t feeling something. It’s that he may not have the language or emotional tools to express it the same way you do.”

You can’t force someone to open up, but you can stop over-functioning in the emotional space and see what happens when you leave room for them to step in.

(15:00) Language That Makes You Feel Small Isn’t Just a Joke

“He says I’m crazy, but he likes crazy.” It sounds playful, maybe even affectionate. But if you flinch when you hear it, or feel smaller afterward, that’s a sign to pay attention to.

Teasing can sometimes be a stand-in for intimacy. It keeps things light instead of real. If your emotional expression is being met with sarcasm or labels, even in jest, it chips away at your confidence.

Damona says, “If it doesn’t feel like a joke to you, then it’s not a joke.” Trust your gut. The language you allow becomes part of the relationship’s tone.

(20:10) Fast Moves Might Be Covering Emotional Gaps

Three months in, and the idea of moving in together is already on the table. 

It might sound romantic, especially when two people feel close. But big steps too soon can sometimes be a distraction from deeper emotional work that hasn’t happened yet.

Ask yourself: Are we aligned in how we handle conflict? Do we feel emotionally steady day to day? Has there been real space for disagreement, or are we coasting on shared comfort?

Moving in isn’t a test of commitment. It’s a magnifier. If something feels off now, it won’t disappear in close quarters. It usually gets louder.

(22:40) Creating Emotional Safety Without Overexplaining

When your partner isn’t opening up, it’s easy to fall into the trap of explaining your needs over and over. But vulnerability is a two-way exchange. You’re not just trying to be heard, you’re trying to feel joined.

Instead of pushing for them to say more, try modeling the kind of connection you want. Share something personal without a big lead-in. 

Name a small gesture they did that made you feel seen. Keep it light, but specific. Emotional connection doesn’t always start with a heavy talk. Sometimes it begins in the quiet moments where safety is built, not demanded.

Damona shares, “You’re not asking them to be someone else. You’re showing them how to be more of themselves, out loud, and with you.”

💌 Before you go, if you’re stuck over what to text back, spiraling over mixed signals, or just navigating something messy in love (or friendship, or family), don’t sit with it alone.

Damona’s here to help.

Slide into our DMs on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or text/leave a voicemail at 424-246-6255. Your question could be featured in an upcoming Dear Damona segment, and let’s be real, if you’re wondering about it, someone else probably is too.

Oh, and one more thing: this show isn’t just about dating anymore. It’s about all the relationships that matter most, because love shows up in more ways than one.

📝 Want a better way to track what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life?

Get your free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker

 

damona hoffman dates & mates podcat dating and relationship advice when friends drift apart

The Friendship Drift & Support Squads

Friendship drift is real, but it does not have to be the end of the story.

Have you ever felt your best friend slowly drifting away, not in a big, dramatic blowup, but in small, almost imperceptible ways?

You still talk regularly, but the conversations that used to go late into the night are now quick updates about work, weekend plans, or the latest Netflix binge. And when you try to open up about something deeper, the subject changes.

This week on Dates & Mates, we unpack a listener’s question:

“We’ve been best friends for years, but lately it feels like we’re only talking about surface-level stuff. Is this just what happens as we grow up?”

We explore why friendships shift over time, the mistakes we make when trying to “fix” them, and simple, low-pressure strategies to bring back connection without guilt trips or awkward energy. 

We also share how to build a wider support system and offer tips that can strengthen all your relationships, from friendships to family ties to even your dating life.

(1:52) It’s Only Weird If We Make It Weird

When something feels “off” in a friendship, our first instinct is often to avoid it. 

But awkwardness usually comes from resisting change, resisting the unknown, resisting showing up fully as ourselves.

As Damona says, “A lot of that weirdness actually comes from resistance… and I encourage you to lean into it…  mindfully.” 

We break down how small shifts in your own approach can ease tension and open the door for more authentic conversations.

(6:10) The Third Character in Every Friendship

There’s you, there’s your friend, and there’s the friendship itself… a “third character” with its own needs. 

Life changes like marriage, kids, new jobs, or caregiving can pull focus and naturally shift priorities.

When we see the friendship as something we both actively nurture, it’s easier to adapt instead of falling into resentment. This perspective also helps you spot whether the friendship simply needs a different kind of attention right now, rather than a total overhaul.

(18:33) Reopening the Door to Connection

Sometimes when a friend doesn’t respond to our deeper shares, it’s not about us; it could be timing, emotional bandwidth, or comfort level. That’s why how you try to reconnect matters.

We share ways to re-engage without forcing it, like using shared memories or parallel experiences as conversation starters. 

As Damona explains, “Storytelling can remind someone of your safety and security, without it feeling like a vulnerability test.” These small, low-stakes moments can be powerful in reestablishing trust.

(36:20) Diversify Your Emotional Support

Not every friend can meet every need and that’s okay. Building a broad emotional support network ensures you’re not relying on one person for everything.

When you have different friends for different roles, the confidant, the workout buddy, the travel partner, you can appreciate each relationship for what it brings instead of trying to make it be everything. 

That mindset shift alone can reduce pressure and keep connections feeling light, natural, and mutually fulfilling.

💌Have a communication conundrum? Damona’s got you.

Whether it’s love, conflict, or just figuring out what to text back, no question is too big or too small.

Submit your dating, relationship, or communication questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.

📝 Want a better way to track what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life?

Get your free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker

damona hoffman dates & mates podcast setting boundaries with friends and family members about dating and relationships

Boundaries, Moms, & The Post-Date Spiral

When Your Mom’s Opinions Are Tanking Your Dating Confidence

We take on all types of relationships on this show, including romantic, friendship, and even work, but this week, we’re zooming in on one that hits home for a lot of us: the one with mom.

This week’s question came from a listener who’s close with her mother. Maybe too close.

She wrote: “She wants me to be happy, but it’s gotten to the point where I second-guess my own instincts.”

Sound familiar?

Whether it’s about who you date, how you show up, or what kind of love you “should” be chasing, sometimes the people who love us most can leave us doubting ourselves the most.

This episode is about creating space to breathe, to choose, and to lead with your own voice, without cutting off the people you care about most.

(1:28) When Love Sounds a Lot Like Control

It can be hard to tell when your mom’s love crosses into overstep until you realize her voice is louder than your own. 

One minute you’re glowing after a great date, and the next, you’re spiraling because of a throwaway comment she made about your type, your outfit, or the way you told the story.

We share why even the most loving advice can feel like control and how to spot when it’s chipping away at your confidence.

As Damona says, “She already did the programming. Now it’s hands off.” Because when your dating decisions start to feel like a family group project, something’s gotta give.

(5:42) Boundaries That Don’t Burn Bridges

It’s possible to love your mom deeply and still need her to back off.

When her opinions start to override your own, it’s time for some emotional guardrails that protect your peace without blowing up the relationship.

Damona shares how to set expectations before things escalate, including one simple strategy that shifts the tone entirely: “You have an absolute responsibility to advocate for yourself. Maybe along the way, you educate your mom on how to support you.”

If you’ve ever felt guilty for pulling back or struggled to hold the line without losing your cool, this is the kind of script you’ll want in your back pocket.

(12:07) Stop Calling Mom Before the Date

You’re not just picking your outfit, you’re picking your mindset. And the people you let in before a date can make or break the energy you bring to the table. 

We get into the idea of “mindset movers” and why calling your mom (or anyone whose vibe throws you off) right before a date is a setup for self-sabotage. 

You’re building a rhythm and rituals for dating, one that starts with your voice, not someone else’s fears.

(21:15) Before the World Gets a Vote

What you do after a date is just as important as how the date went. 

The opinions, the second-guessing, the noise, they all show up fast. But if you can catch your own thoughts first, you get to decide what the story really was.

We talk about how to hold onto your perspective with simple post-date rituals like journaling or using our free Date Tracker.

 As Damona puts it, “You want to remember how you felt in that moment, before anyone else’s opinion reshapes your memory.”

GET THE FREE DATE TRACKER HERE

(30:55) Just Because She Asks Doesn’t Mean You Have to Answer

There’s a difference between being honest and handing over every detail before it’s ready.

In early dating, emotional privacy isn’t secrecy; it’s self-protection. Oversharing can feel like bonding, but it can also open the door to opinions that shake your confidence or steer you off course

This part of the episode walks through how to decide what to share, when to share it, and why keeping some details to yourself might be the most loving move—for both of you. 

It’s not about keeping secrets. It’s about protecting something sacred while it’s still taking sha

💌Have a communication conundrum? Damona’s got you.

Whether it’s love, conflict, or just figuring out what to text back, no question is too big or too small.

Submit your dating, relationship, or communication questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.

📝 Want a better way to track what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life?

Get your free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker

 

Feminine Energy Fatigue & The Myth of Being Chosen

Have you ever been told you need to be “softer” to be loved?

Or felt like you had to shrink parts of yourself to fit into someone else’s idea of what a woman “should” be? You’re not alone.

This week on Dates & Mates, we dedicate the entire episode to a listener question that is at the heart of modern gender dynamics in dating. 

Esther left us a voice memo asking: How can I be a strong woman who supports a partner without losing myself? And how do I get into my feminine energy on a date?

There’s a lot to unpack. And that’s exactly what we do in this episode.

(2:00) Can You “Build Up” a Man, and Should You?

We start with a powerful question about the role women are often expected to play in their relationships. 

Esther wants to know how to be a strong woman who helps build up her man. Is that really your job? Or are we just repeating old patterns handed down through outdated relationship narratives?

Damona says, “That’s his work. That’s not your work. It’s not your job to make your partner feel any kind of way other than safe and cared for.” 

It’s a reminder that real support doesn’t mean sacrificing your own needs.

(6:00) Encouragement > Fixing

Let’s talk about one of the most common traps we fall into when trying to support a partner: trying to fix them.

How can you shift from correction mode into true encouragement? Maybe the better question is why this change makes all the difference in how secure and seen your partner feels.

We also look at how over-correcting in relationships can erode trust and create imbalance.

(9:00) Vulnerability Is a Superpower

Especially for men, showing emotion has often been misunderstood as weakness.

But we explain why emotional openness is actually one of the strongest things we can bring into a relationship.

We dig into what emotional safety looks like and why so many people struggle to create it. You’ll come away thinking differently about how vulnerability works in healthy love, and how to invite it in.

(12:00) Feminine Energy Isn’t a Costume

Esther’s second question? How to get into her feminine energy around men.

“If you’ve been telling yourself, ‘I just need to get more into my feminine energy so I can attract the right man,’ I gently want to challenge that,” Damona says. “Because here’s the truth: feminine energy is fake…it’s a label”

Are we talking about being agreeable? Submissive? Passive? Let’s challenge the idea that “feminine energy” is something you need to switch on to be desirable, and instead ask, what if it’s just about feeling safe enough to receive?

(16:00) The Risk of Performing for Love

Trying to mold yourself into someone else’s ideal, even subtly, always comes at a cost.

Let’s talk about the danger of trying to “act feminine” in a way that doesn’t feel authentic. What does it cost you to pretend you don’t have preferences? To mute your voice? To play small?

You need to get real about what performance in dating looks like and how letting it go might be your path to true connection.

(19:00) Strength Isn’t a Problem — It’s the Point

Esther asked how to be strong and still be cherished. 

The answer isn’t to soften yourself into someone else’s comfort zone, it’s to be whole. Damona shares why the right partner won’t just tolerate your strength, they’ll value it.

This episode is a celebration of the full you…the ambitious you, the assertive you, the emotional you. Because strength isn’t something to hide, it’s something to bring boldly into your relationships.

💌Have a communication conundrum? Damona’s got you.

Whether it’s love, conflict, or just figuring out what to text back, no question is too big or too small. Submit your dating, relationship, or communication questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.

The Nice Guy 9 & The Materialists Myth

Is Your Dating Checklist Secretly Sabotaging You?

This week’s Dates & Mates episode kicks off with a listener question that struck a chord and sparked a full-on love-life unpacking session.

After watching Materialists, a film about a matchmaker who builds relationships by check-box and statistics, one listener wrote in with a plea: 

“How do we stop dating by checklist and start choosing real connection? We dive into the assumptions, patterns, and emotional blind spots that keep us stuck. I’m always the friend, never the boyfriend, just because I don’t hit the right numbers on their list.”

That question leads us into one of the realest conversations we’ve had about dating patterns, fantasy thinking, and what it really means to be “the nice one.” 

(2:00) The Listener Question That Unlocked Everything

What happens when rom-com tropes meet real-life frustration? 

Our listener reflected on the movie: Materialists, and suddenly, it’s not just a movie. It’s his dating life on screen. He’s the nice guy. The friend. The emotional crutch. And the reason? He doesn’t meet the “list.”

There is a deeper cultural script we’ve all been fed: that you’re either the fantasy or the fallback. And in this episode, we begin to ask a better question: what are these lists really protecting us from?

(10:40) Matchmakers, Fairytales & the Pay-to-Play Illusion

On the surface, matchmaking sounds dreamy: someone else does the heavy lifting and hands you your perfect match. 

But beneath the fantasy is a truth most people don’t realize: matchmaking is expensive, exclusive, and not nearly as magical as it seems.

We talk about the real mechanics of modern matchmaking, the myths that drive people to outsource their love life, and why no one (not even a professional) can save you from the deeper emotional work. 

Spoiler: even the best matchmakers can’t make your list love you back.

(15:50) What If the Friend Zone Isn’t About You Being “Too Nice”?

You’re emotionally available, you listen, you care—and yet, the people you date keep choosing the unpredictable, unavailable, emotionally erratic “bad boy” instead.

Sound familiar?

We explore the stories we tell ourselves when things don’t go our way in dating, and the mental leaps we make to protect our egos. 

Because sometimes, it’s easier to believe “they always pick the jerk” than to face the possibility that something in your approach might need a shift. It’s not about blaming, it’s about reclaiming your narrative.

(25:25) The Nice Guy Nine: The Moves That Actually Make a Difference

This is your playbook reset.

Forget what you’ve been told about what “nice” means. We lay out the nine habits,what we call “The Nice Guy Nine”, that shift how others see you and how you show up. 

These aren’t gimmicks or games. They’re connection skills rooted in presence, confidence, and emotional intelligence.

From giving deep compliments and creating safe physical contact, to the surprisingly powerful move of simply telling someone you like them, this list is a guide for anyone tired of being misunderstood or overlooked.

Bonus: you’ll hear how Damona’s own husband went from perpetual friend zone to forever love using these exact behaviors.

(42:00) When Dating Feels Hopeless, Try This One Reframe

Maybe you’ve been ghosted. Maybe you’re exhausted from trying. Maybe you’re telling yourself that it’s just not in the cards for you.

This closing segment is your emotional reset. It’s about challenging the narratives that leave you powerless—and discovering the small shifts that can lead to big changes. 

Maybe it’s not about doing everything differently. Maybe it’s about doing one thing differently and letting the ripple effect unfold

💌Have a communication conundrum? Damona’s got you.

Whether it’s love, conflict, or just figuring out what to text back, no question is too big or too small. Submit your dating, relationship, or communication questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.

 

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Leaning Left but Swiping Right: Politics & Dating

You take two years off from dating to heal. You work on yourself, you rest, you reset. Then you reenter the dating scene ready for love, only to find the apps feel like a party that ran out of food and forgot to hire a DJ.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

For anyone who’s navigating the dating world with strong political or social justice values, finding a match who aligns can feel like threading a needle in the dark, during an election year.

So, how do you say what matters without saying too much? How do you make space for nuance, connection, and curiosity when everyone’s guard is already up?

And we’re diving deep with Vernee, a longtime listener who’s looking for a partner with shared political and social justice values.

Her question: How do you communicate your political stance on a dating app without scaring people off? And are there better ways to meet someone who really gets you?

Grab your khakis — Steve Kornacki is making a cameo.

(1:48) Is It Too Much to Want Someone Who Actually Shares Your Beliefs?

Vernee lives in a purple state, and she’s frustrated.

Her matches either hide their beliefs, misrepresent them, or secretly disagree with her worldview. She’s looking for someone who doesn’t just nod along — she wants someone who shows up for the causes that matter.

But let’s be real: the dating landscape has changed fast. And if it feels harder now than it did two years ago, that’s not your imagination.

We’re in the middle of a communication crisis. Zombie swiping, empty chats, ghosting… the apps are full, but the connections feel hollow. That emotional labor? Exhausting.

(10:32) Politics on a First Date? Why It Might Be Your New Filter

Remember when politics was considered a “don’t go there” first date topic? Not anymore.

Damona used to tell clients to focus on values over party lines. But in 2025, the two are often intertwined. Our political identities reflect our core beliefs — about human rights, justice, even how we handle conflict or make decisions.

Recent statistics show that only 21% of marriages happen between people of differing political affiliations — and even fewer span the full red-blue spectrum.

So yes, it’s okay if this is non-negotiable for you now. But how you express it matters.

(18:10) How to Say What You Stand For (Without Saying Too Much)

Let’s skip the “Don’t message me if you voted for X” approach. It reads as defensive and shuts down curiosity.

If your values are core to who you are, your dating profile should reflect that, but there’s a difference between signaling and shouting.

There’s power in the details you choose to share. A pop culture reference, a cause you casually mention, or even the way you describe your weekend plans can all serve as quiet but clear indicators of what you care about.

When done right, those little cues become magnets for the right people — no disclaimers needed. Because someone who’s aligned will pick up what you’re putting down.

(25:07) Why Texting About Politics Can Backfire Fast

You want to know where someone stands. Especially when it comes to values, beliefs, and the things that shape how they move through the world.

But trying to unpack all of that in a dating app chat? It rarely goes the way you hope.

Texting is built for convenience, not complexity. It’s easy for nuance to get lost, assumptions to creep in, and people to shut down before the real conversation even begins. 

And let’s be honest, in a screenshot culture, some people hesitate to share anything personal without context or trust.

Curiosity goes a lot further than interrogation.

(31:20) Where to Actually Meet People Who Share Your Beliefs

Not vibing on the apps? Take your values offline.

There are spaces, offline and often overlooked, where people lead with their values, not just their selfies. 

These aren’t necessarily “dating spaces,” but that’s part of the magic. The energy is different when people show up because they care about something bigger than themselves.

And here’s a little mindset shift: the goal isn’t to meet the one right away. It’s to plug into a community that reflects who you are and what matters to you

Bonus tip? Don’t keep your intentions a secret. Let people know you’re open to meeting someone. You’d be surprised how many quiet matchmakers are out there, just waiting for a reason to introduce you to someone special.

(38:45) It Only Takes One

If dating has felt like a losing game lately, take this as your reminder: you’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for alignment.

And while not every conversation will turn into your forever person — every connection can help you refine what you want, how you show up, and how to build trust with someone new.

So tweak that profile. Widen your search radius. And step into spaces where your voice matters.

Because the truth is: it only takes one. One person. One spark. One conversation that finally feels easy, honest, and mutual.

💌Have your own dating dilemma? Damona has the answers!

Don’t forget you can submit your dating and relationship questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.

Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson hosts of the IMO Podcast join Damona Hoffman on the Dates & Mates podcast for a q&a

Michelle Obama & Craig Robinson Communication Q&A Minisode

Have you ever felt like staying in touch has become harder than ever, even with all the tech tools at our fingertips? If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a texting loop or missing the sound of someone’s voice, you’re not alone.

This week’s Dates & Mates Minisode features two powerhouse voices on connection: former First Lady Michelle Obama and her brother Craig Robinson, co-hosts of the hit IMO Podcast. They’re getting candid about the real ways they stay connected to those they love—and what that looks like in a world of texts, FaceTimes, and digital overwhelm.

(1:25) Meet the IMO Hosts

Michelle and Craig are more than just siblings—they’re thoughtful communicators with powerful insights on how to stay close across distance, generations, and even communication styles. 

In this episode, they reveal how their personal approaches to staying in touch reflect deeper shifts in how we all relate today.

Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson from the IMO Podcast have a Q&A with Damona Hoffman of the Dates & Mates Podcast

(6:44) Texts vs. Phone Calls

This segment highlights Michelle and Craig’s different approaches to one of the biggest modern communication dilemmas. 

Craig prefers texts for their simplicity and efficiency, while Michelle uses them to check in on her kids in a way that’s quick but still personal. 

As Michelle puts it, “I know you have your phone, so when I text you, text me back. All I’m trying to do is make sure that you’re alive.”

(11:18) Planning for Spontaneity

Instead of overloading our calendars with set calls, Michelle and Craig explore how to build more flexibility into our communication habits. 

The conversation opens up ideas around creating windows of availability rather than rigid appointments, helping us stay connected without the pressure.

(15:37) Zoom Isn’t Just for Work

Some of the digital habits we formed out of necessity have proven to be surprisingly valuable. 

Michelle and Craig discuss how their family embraced tools like Zoom and FaceTime, not just during lockdowns, but as lasting practices to maintain closeness across distance.

If you’ve ever felt like tech has taken the intimacy out of communication, this Minisode offers a refreshing and practical shift in perspective.

💌 Do you have questions? Damona has the answers!

Don’t forget you can submit your dating and relationship questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Master Class: The Texting Trap

Have you ever found yourself deep in a text thread, wondering if you’re actually building a connection or just killing time? Do you replay your replies in your head, panic when a message goes unanswered, or second-guess what that one little emoji was supposed to mean?

You’re not alone.

The truth is, modern love isn’t just emotional, it’s digital. The way we connect, flirt, and fall is shaped more than ever by the devices in our hands. 

This week, we’re talking about what we call the communication crisis. How texting, DMs, and digital overload are shaping our relationships and what we can do about it.

This episode is a special solo masterclass. No guests, just sharing everything you need to know about navigating digital communication with confidence, clarity, and connection.

(2:01) Are We Losing the Plot or Learning a New Language?

We used to believe the problem was dating apps. But what we’ve realized is that it’s not the apps, it’s how we use them. 

The real shift in dating today is in how we communicate. Over 65% of our romantic conversations now happen digitally. That means we can’t just wish it away, we have to learn how to do it better.

Texting, voice notes, emojis, memes, these aren’t distractions. They’re the main way we relate. And once we stop seeing digital communication as something separate from “real” dating, we can start to use it as a tool instead of a trap.

(6:41) Stuck in the Texting Trap

You match. You message. Maybe it even feels promising. But somehow… you never actually meet.

Welcome to the texting trap, where you build momentum through messages, only to have it stall out in digital limbo. It’s that false sense of intimacy that keeps us feeling like something’s happening, even when nothing’s moving forward.

The longer we stay in it, the more we start projecting and fantasizing until the real person can’t live up to the version we’ve created in our head. We walk you through the telltale signs you’re stuck and explain how to break free before your connection ghosts itself.

(20:57) Texting Like a Pro, Not a Pen Pal

Texting isn’t about quantity, it’s about quality. 

In this episode, we lay out the new rules of digital conversation: how timing changes tone, why punctuation can send the wrong message, and how to stop overthinking every word.

We also explore the power of mirroring someone else’s texting style and why the pace and platform of your messages can completely shift your vibe. Think of it like a language exchange; you learn to meet someone where they are, digitally speaking.

(32:38) From “Hey” to Real Connection

Let’s be real: no one ever fell in love over a “hey.” If you’ve ever struggled with what to say, how to say it, or whether you should say anything at all, this part is for you.

We break down our go-to formula for starting stronger conversations, the secret to reviving a stalled thread, and how to transition from app to IRL without losing momentum. 

It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being clear, consistent, and just a little bit creative.

(41:48) The Rules We Wish Came With Your Phone

If we could send every dater a digital rulebook, this episode might be it. We cover everything from platform progression (yes, there’s a difference between texting, WhatsApp, and a voice memo) to the screenshot test (spoiler: if you wouldn’t want it posted in a group chat, don’t send it).

We even get into the nitty-gritty: when to stop texting and actually meet, how long is too long between dates, and yes—how to bow out gracefully when something’s not working.

This episode is all about using the tools you already have to build the kind of relationships you actually want.

💌 Do you have questions? Damona has the answers!

Don’t forget you can submit your dating and relationship questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Laura Day and Damona Hoffman on the Dates & Mates podcast discuss the new book The Prism, dating and relationships.

The Prism & Too Picky

You Are Your Own Magic Wand

Do you feel like you didn’t get dealt the right cards when it comes to love? Maybe your family dynamics, personal history, or past relationships have shaped your path in ways that feel hard to break free from. You’ve done the work therapy, journaling, and mindset shifts, but still feel stuck.

This week on Dates & Mates, New York Times bestselling author and transformational teacher Laura Day joins the show to share how we can begin to shift those long-held patterns and reconnect with our power in love.

Later in the episode, Damona answers a listener’s question about being too picky in dating and how to tell the difference between honoring your standards and blocking your own connection.

(2:06) The Intuition Architect

Laura Day has spent the past four decades helping people sharpen their intuition and transform their lives—from high-profile celebrities to everyday people navigating big transitions. She’s the author of seven books, including Practical Intuition, The Circle, and her newest: The Prism: Seven Steps to Heal Your Past and Transform Your Future.

While she’s long been known for her work in intuitive development, Laura says The Prism came from somewhere more personal.

“This process was what allowed me not only to find a wholeness in myself,” she says, “but also to create what I wanted in my life.”

The book distills her life’s work into a seven-step structure that helps you identify which part of your inner system is driving your decisions—and how to work with it, not against it.

Laura Day on Dates & Mates podcast with host Damona Hoffman talk about Laura's new book The Prism. Finding Love and inuition

(12:44) Don’t Mistake Familiar for Safe

Let’s talk about patterns. You think you’re making different choices. But the results keep looking strangely similar. It’s not a coincidence.

According to Laura, many of us are wired to recreate the emotional experiences we had early in life, even the painful ones, because that’s what our nervous system knows how to process. Without realizing it, we’re attracted to what’s familiar, not necessarily what’s healthy.

The key is interrupting that loop with new behaviors and new awareness. And no, it does not require perfection or a total overhaul. Just one conscious shift at a time.

(19:47) The “No New Damage” Rule

Ever leave a date feeling off, even when everything “looked good on paper”? Or walk away from a friend hang feeling emotionally hungover?

Laura’s simple but powerful rule: No New Damage

If a person, habit, or dynamic starts eroding your peace, your progress, or your sense of self, pause. Reassess.

“Is your sleep better? Your job going smoother? Are you more emotionally regulated?” Laura asks. “If not, the relationship might be doing harm even if it looks good on paper.”

No new damage doesn’t mean avoiding discomfort. It means protecting your nervous system from relationships that feel more like regression than growth.

(27:22) Your Red Flags Might Not Be Universal

There is a moment in the conversation where Damona and Laura reflect on the lists we make when dating, green flags, red flags, must-haves, dealbreakers, and how rigid those checklists can become.

Laura challenges the idea that love should follow a fixed formula. What one person needs to feel safe or supported might not apply to someone else.

The episode explores how our “non-negotiables” are often built from pain, not clarity, and how real connection happens when we move beyond generalized rules and start tuning into what feels nourishing and sustainable for us as individuals.

(32:18) Rewire, Don’t Rewrite

Change does not have to come from understanding every piece of your past. Sometimes it begins with doing just one thing differently in the present.

Laura shares examples from her own life and relationship, including how she gradually shifted the way she showed up to be more aligned with the kind of love she wanted to co-create.

“There are a lot of great loves out there,” she says. “But what makes someone your person is that you choose them, and you build the structure of love together.”

This episode is not about waiting for fate or finding the perfect partner. It is about stepping into your own power, one choice at a time.

Connect with Laura Day
 Website: https://lauraday.com/
 Instagram: @lauradayintuit
 Book: The Prism: Seven Steps to Heal Your Past and Transform Your Future

(58:11) Dear Damona: Too Picky or Just Discerning?

A listener writes:
 “I always thought I’d be married by now, but here I am at 39, still single. I’ve dated great people, but something always felt off. So I kept holding out for the one. Now I’m wondering… was I being too picky, or was I just protecting myself from settling?”

In this week’s Dear Damona, we explore the real difference between high standards and emotional self-sabotage—and why the “spark” might not be the signal you think it is.

💌 Do you have questions? Damona has the answers!

Don’t forget you can submit your dating and relationship questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

 

Coaching Session: Love Intuitive

Trust Your Gut: Unlocking Intuition in Dating

Have you ever had a gut feeling about someone, only to second-guess it later? Wondered if butterflies meant excitement or a warning sign? If so, you’re not alone.

The truth is, intuition isn’t just a vague sense; it’s a powerful internal compass shaped by past experiences, personal values, and subconscious wisdom. But learning how to tune into it, especially in dating, can be a challenge.

This week on Dates & Mates, we offer a rare behind-the-scenes look at an intuitive coaching session with a real client, Mya. With incredible openness and vulnerability, Mya invited us into her journey of learning how to hear and trust her own inner voice in love.

During the session, a powerful question emerged—one that resonates with so many daters today: “How will I know when it’s actually working?”

Settle in, take a breath, and get ready to explore how intuition could become your most important dating superpower.

(2:06) Your Inner Compass Is Speaking (Are You Listening?)

For many singles, intuition is often drowned out by overthinking, self-doubt, or fear.

But as Mya discovered in this session, learning to recognize internal signals—before second-guessing them can make dating feel clearer and more empowering. 

Sometimes the answers we’re searching for are already inside us; we just need to learn how to hear them.

(5:00) When Your Body Sends a Message, Believe It

Physical sensations are often the first sign that something is either right or wrong. 

Through live exercises with Mya, we explored how subtle feelings like a headache, chest warmth, or a twinge of unease can provide important information about a new connection. 

Tuning into these cues can help avoid heartache and steer toward the relationships that truly align.

(14:30) Swipe Fatigue? Your Energy Might Be Trying to Tell You Something

Mya shared that dating apps sometimes left her feeling drained and disconnected, and she’s not alone. 

In the session, we unpacked how digital dating overload can mute intuition and why following your energy, not just your inbox, can lead to more fulfilling real-world connections. 

When the process starts feeling heavy, it might be your intuition asking for a different approach.

(20:00) How to Know When It’s Working (Even If You Don’t See It Yet)

One of the biggest breakthroughs of Mya’s session centered on redefining success in dating. 

Instead of chasing fast results, true progress often looks like building trust with yourself, feeling aligned with your decisions, and moving through dating with confidence, even before the perfect match appears. 

Sometimes, the biggest win is learning how to trust the journey.

Experience the full intuitive coaching session with Mya on this week’s Dates & Mates. Learn how to sharpen your inner compass, reconnect with your instincts, and date in a way that feels clear, confident, and true to who you are.

Interested in booking your own solo coaching session?

Email Asst@DamonaHoffman.com or DM @damonahoffman on Instagram or Facebook!

damona hoffman and francesca hogi talk love the fairy tale complex and dating app burnout

How To Find True Love & IRL Real Deal

Dating Isn’t Broken — But the Fairy Tale Might Be

Dating takes guts—vulnerability, risk, and putting yourself out there—and lately, it’s been feeling a lot.

Between fairy tale myths and the post-lockdown social weirdness, it’s no wonder so many of us feel stuck or just straight-up over it. Swiping feels safer than saying hi, texting is easier than talking, and ghosting? Yeah, it stings.

But here’s the good news: your love story is still yours to write.

This week, TED speaker, podcast host, and modern love expert Francesca Hogi joins me to talk about ditching outdated fairy tales and building real-deal connections. Plus, we tackle a juicy Dear Damona & Dear Franny question: “Dating apps keep feeding me the same old matches. How do I meet someone IRL?”

Take a breath—today’s episode is all about rewriting the rules and stepping into the dating life you actually deserve.

(2:06) Meet Your Dating Reality Check: Francesca Hogi

You might know Francesca Hogi as the host of the Dear Franny podcast, a TED speaker, or the survivor who once literally competed for love on national TV. But today, she’s here wearing another crown: expert guide in tearing down outdated myths about love.

Franny has been featured everywhere from The Today Show to The New York Times, and her new book How to Find True Love is all about giving you the tools to stop chasing fairy tales and start building the real thing.

When she’s not dismantling the “fairy tale industrial complex,” she’s teaching singles how to step back into their power, trust themselves again, and find true love on their own terms.

damona hoffan and franscesca hogi talk about the fairy tale complex and finding true love single and dating

(2:11) Why Your Love Life Feels Stuck And What Fairy Tales Have to Do With It

From Cinderella to rom-coms, we’ve been sold a very specific idea of what love is supposed to look like: effortless, instantaneous, magical. Francesca calls it the “fairy tale industrial complex,” a billion-dollar business that profits off keeping us chasing a fantasy.

But the truth? Real love doesn’t happen to you. It’s something you build, with trust, respect, and emotional safety at the center.

Franny explains, “When you meet someone, you’re not just admiring their traits, you’re co-creating a whole new relationship. That’s what you actually live inside of.”

(5:00) Are You Dating or Just Swiping?

Sure, dating apps started as a tool. But somewhere along the way, they became a crutch.

Today, many of us feel safer sending a text than making eye contact across a room. Rejection stings less when it’s a silent unmatch rather than a face-to-face conversation. But that “safety” might actually be costing us the very thing we want most: a real connection.

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in the swipe-scroll-ghost spiral, this part of the episode will hit close to home and offer a way out you might not have considered yet

(12:13) The Self-Love Formula No One Taught You in School

You’ve heard “love yourself first” a million times. But Francesca actually shows you how to do it in a way that’s tangible, empowering, and actionable.

Self-love isn’t about thinking you’re the best person in the room. It’s about treating yourself with the same respect, compassion, and care you wish to receive from others.

As Franny puts it, “You’re not waiting to wake up one day magically feeling worthy. You create that feeling through action, one decision at a time.”

(22:29) How to Meet Cute (Without Feeling Weird About It)

What if every time you stepped outside, you believed something amazing could happen?

Francesca introduces the “Meet Cute Mindset” — a simple but powerful way to move through the world with openness and intention. It’s not about forcing conversations or awkwardly flirting with strangers. It’s about reminding yourself that connection is always possible… if you’re willing to be present enough to notice it.

Spoiler: there’s a cheeky million-dollar thought experiment that might just change how you walk through your local coffee shop tomorrow.

Connect with Francesca:

(38:01) Dear Damona & Dear Franny: Dating Feels Like It’s on Pause

This week’s question comes from Sheryl on Instagram, who shares:

“I use dating apps but remain open to connection when I am out and about. Still, I haven’t met anyone IRL, and my dating apps seem to be repeating candidates I already turned down. My love life feels like it’s on pause. How can I turn it back on?”

If you’ve ever felt like you’re stuck in a loop, seeing the same faces and feeling like real connection is out of reach, this part of the episode will feel like a deep exhale. It’s about shifting from passive hope to active creation and building the kind of dating life you actually want to be living.

Hint: It’s less about chasing outcomes and more about practicing openness, curiosity, and confidence one conversation at a time.

💌 Do you have questions? Damona has the answers!

Don’t forget you can submit your dating and relationship questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

 

Dear Damona & Seth: Porcelain Anniversary

Have you ever wondered what 18 years of marriage really looks like?

Not the Instagram highlight reel, but the thousands of conversations, quiet compromises, and inside jokes that only come from choosing each other every single day?

This week on Dates & Mates, Damona does something she’s never done before. In honor of her 18th wedding anniversary (yes, 6,500+ days of love and lessons!), Damona is joined by her husband Seth on the mic to co-host an entire episode of Dear Damona where the couple tag-teams your biggest dating and relationship dilemmas.

From dating app anxiety to long-term communication ruts, they bring advice straight from the front lines of a real, evolving partnership. Seth may be a behind-the-scenes guy (TV writer, Virgo, very anti-social media), but he brings thoughtful insight and a few surprises too.

 

(6:03) When the Peanut Gallery Gets Too Loud

“I feel like I’m constantly second-guessing my own judgment…”

The first question comes from Bella, who’s 24 and feeling overwhelmed by unsolicited opinions, from friends and Facebook groups. When everyone’s got something to say about who you’re dating, how do you know what to take seriously and when to trust your gut?

Damona and Seth unpack the difference between a red flag and a rumor, and reflect on how the dating landscape today is more crowded with outside voices than ever before.

(14:38) Singles Events Are My Nightmare

“I freeze. I feel awkward… I end up standing on the sidelines.”

Shawn wants to show up intentionally and find real-life connection, but every time he gets to a singles event, anxiety shuts him down. Sound familiar?

Seth shares a psychological trick that helped him overcome social anxiety back in his single days. Damona adds her signature PS World technique (plus a few ice cream-based openers that actually work).

(25:24) Am I Talking or Just Repeating Myself?

“It feels like my partner isn’t truly listening anymore.”

Beth has been with her partner for several years but feels like she’s hitting a communication wall.

Damona and Seth talk about how to reset connection, why “invisible conversations” happen more than we realize, and how therapy doesn’t have to mean something is broken; it can be a tool for growth.

(35:55) Help! My Friends Are Dating Cynics

“Every time dating comes up, the conversation turns negative.”

Jill is trying to stay hopeful about love, but her friend group is stuck in a doom spiral.

Damona explains why protecting your dating mindset is crucial (and sometimes means snoozing the group chat), while Seth adds perspective on why some people stay stuck in dating cynicism.

💌 Do you have questions? Damona has the answers!

Don’t forget you can submit your dating and relationship questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!