When “Touchy Subject” Meets “I Want to Know” Is Curiosity ok??

Ever meet someone you really connect with, but there’s this invisible wall around certain topics? Do you find yourself wanting to know their whole story while also trying to respect the boundaries they’ve set?

You know that feeling when you care about someone and there’s this door that they’re keeping closed? And you don’t know if you’re supposed to knock or just wait for them to open it?

We’ve been navigating relationships our whole lives, trying to balance curiosity with respect. But here’s what happens in real life: sometimes wanting to understand someone deeply can feel like you’re pushing too hard. And sometimes respecting boundaries can feel like you’re being kept at arm’s length.

It’s about timing, trust, and whether two people can build intimacy at a pace that feels safe for both of them.

This week, a listener named Kristen wrote in with a situation that so many of us face in early dating.

She shared:

“I met this guy on Hinge and we’ve gone out on three dates. We’ve talked about some personal things about family and stuff, and we have a lot of things in common. One of the things is we were both raised by single parents and one of the parents he’s not as close to, and he said it’s like a touchy subject for him. So I want to respect that. But I also wanna know a little bit more just to understand how they grew up and how they are as a person and all that jazz, you know?”

This is a question that goes deeper than curiosity: can I honor their boundaries while still protecting myself?

(03:00) “Touchy Subject” Is Actually Information 

When someone tells you something is a touchy subject, they’re not shutting you out. They’re actually giving you valuable information.

They’re setting a boundary clearly instead of letting you stumble into painful territory and possibly shutting down or pulling away.

What they’re really saying is: I have wounds here. I need to feel safe before I can show them to you.

Think of it as a yellow flag: proceed with caution. It’s not a green flag, but it’s definitely not a red one either.

Here’s what most people miss: this is emotional maturity in action. Your job right now? Prove that you are someone who respects boundaries.

(05:00) The Paradox of Protection 

When someone’s past trauma or family wounds come up, those aren’t just facts to them. They’re tender spots.

And yes, you want to protect yourself. You want to know where the landmines are buried so you don’t step on them. That’s completely valid.

But from their perspective:

• What if they tell you something that doesn’t define them, but you treat it like a dealbreaker?
• What if it’s something so shameful to them that they can’t share it yet?
• What if sharing too early means you might pull away?

Here’s the thing: you can actually honor both your curiosity and their boundaries at the same time.

It’s not an either/or. It’s about timing and trust and showing up consistently so that when they’re ready to open that door, you’re there and ready to accept them, warts and all.

(09:00) Slow Love Is Actually Smart Love

Three dates. Meeting once a week. This is actually a really healthy pace.

When you avoid that intense texting all day, seeing each other constantly whirlwind, you give yourself space to actually feel how you feel about someone between dates.

Deep family trauma? That’s probably not on the table yet. It might not even be on the menu.

And that’s okay. You’re still in the getting to know you phase. You’re learning. You’re figuring out if date three built on date two, and if you feel more yourself, more comfortable, more safe.

When you rush the timeline, you create false intimacy that makes people overshare before trust is built. Slow love gives both people time to build that foundation, little by little, brick by brick.

(13:00) Small Moments Build Big Trust 

Here’s the thing about proving you’re trustworthy: it doesn’t happen in one big vulnerable share. It happens in all the small moments.

Every time you see him and don’t push on that touchy subject? You’re laying another brick. Every time you share something vulnerable about yourself first and see how he holds that? Another brick.

One thing you can do: talk a little more about being raised by a single parent. Not as a way to get him to reciprocate, but as a genuine offering.

When you model vulnerability, you’re essentially saying, this is safe territory. I have walked this path too. And when you’re ready, I am here.

That’s how you create a space where emotional honesty feels safe, not scary.

(15:00) Permission to Not Know Everything Yet 

Here’s your permission slip: it is okay not to know everything about someone after just three dates.

The three date rule is about figuring out if you want to keep going, not about having already arrived. That’s really where the deeper levels of sharing begin.

And honestly? If someone shares their deepest wounds in the first three dates, that can actually be a red flag that they haven’t processed them yet.

Mystery isn’t the enemy of connection. Premature oversharing is.

Trust isn’t built in one conversation. It’s built in a thousand small moments of showing up and respecting the boundaries people set.

Your curiosity is valid, and so is their need for safety. The key is showing up consistently and honoring both.

💌 Got a question about boundaries, early dating, dating horror stories, or when to share what?

Whether it’s about respecting someone’s pace, knowing when to ask deeper questions, or figuring out if you’re being too curious or not curious enough, we’re here for all of it.

Send your question in a DM or voice memo on  Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or send a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255. It might just be featured in an upcoming Dear Damona segment.

And remember: Dates & Mates isn’t just about romantic relationships anymore. It’s about the people who matter most: partners, friends, family, coworkers, and you.

📝 Want to keep track of what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life? Download the free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker