The “I Miss You” That Changed Everything

What happens when three simple words carry the weight of decades of gender norms?

This week’s Dates & Mates conversation started with one casual moment between a husband and wife that opened up something much bigger. 

When friend of the show Douglas asked his wife how a plan with an acquaintance came together and she said, “I just got a text that said ‘I miss you,’” it sparked a debate that many people, especially men, are quietly carrying.

“I told her it’s nice that women can just text ‘I miss you’ to each other because guys can’t do that,” Douglas said. “She insisted that we could. But I’m not convinced.” 

Let’s talk about what’s really stopping us from connecting and how we can start changing it.

(2:10) The Gender Divide That Silences “I Miss You”

There’s a reason it feels easier for women to say “I miss you.”

Many of us were socialized from a young age to express our emotions, nurture friendships, and use affirming language with each other. That doesn’t mean we all do it perfectly, but the cultural permission is there.

Men, on the other hand, often learn that bonding should happen through action, not vulnerability. So when a man says “I miss you,” it risks being misunderstood or even rejected.

What’s stopping many of us from deeper connection isn’t emotional incapacity. It’s social conditioning. And it’s costing people relationships they need now more than ever.

(5:45) The Friendship Recession Is Real

In the 1990s, over half of men said they had six or more close friends. By 2021, that number had dropped to 27%. Now, one in six men in the U.S. reports having zero close friends.

That’s not just sad. It’s dangerous. Because the emotional suppression that begins in childhood often turns into loneliness, anger, and disconnection later in life.

“I talk a lot about how we expect our partners to be everything: best friend, emotional confidant, romantic connection, but that’s not sustainable,” Damona says in the episode. “We need a constellation of care.”

And yes, that includes friendships.

(10:30) Yes, You Can Text First

Reaching out to an old friend or starting a new one might feel like an emotional mountain. But the first step doesn’t have to be dramatic.

Here are a few text ideas that feel real but not risky:

•  “I just passed our old spot and thought of you.”
•  “I saw something that reminded me of you. Hope you’re doing well.”
•  “It’s been too long. Want to catch up?”

You don’t need to say “I miss you” right away. But saying something is a good place to begin.

(14:45) How to Rebuild Friendship One Activity at a Time

If you’re someone who struggles with staying in touch or you know a friend who does, don’t wait for the perfect moment. Set up a recurring one.

Regular rituals take the pressure off vulnerability. A monthly lunch, a standing game night, even shared fandom over a sports team can become your bridge back to connection.

“It doesn’t have to be deep to be meaningful,” Damona shares. “You’re just giving the friendship a place to live.”

Even one standing plan can shift how connected you feel and how safe it becomes to say more next time.

(20:00) The New Friendship Playbook

Connection isn’t gendered. And real friendship doesn’t come from grand gestures. It comes from small acts of courage over time.

So if you’ve been telling yourself you can’t say how you feel, or you’re too old to make new friends, or it’s too awkward to reach out, here’s your reframe:

You can. You’re not. And it isn’t.

Try something this week. Make a list of people you’d like to reconnect with. Or notice the folks you cross paths with regularly and take the first step. Ask a question. Make a comment. Be curious.

Sometimes all it takes is a little reminder that you matter to someone and that they matter to you.

💌 Got a communication question you’ve been sitting on?

Whether it’s about dating, relationships, boundaries, or what the heck to text back… Damona’s here for all of it.

Send your question in a DM or voice memo on  Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or send a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255. It might just be featured in an upcoming Dear Damona segment.

And remember: Dates & Mates isn’t just about romantic relationships anymore. It’s about the people who matter most: partners, friends, family, and you.

📝 Want a better way to track what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life?

Get your free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker