THE DEAR DAMONA EPISODE
Today is an entire episode dedicated to the questions you have submitted this week.
Starting now, we will be spinning off the Dear Damona segment into it’s own episode once a month. Three weeks a month you’ll hear thought-provoking interviews and once a month you’ll hear listeners ask their questions and a full episode devoted to your troubles in love.
But as usual, we’ll start with keeping you up to date on this week’s headlines:
DATING DISH (3:12)
Tinder Video Chat Feature Wide Release
Tinder is the latest app to roll out this feature, but on the whole, the tech still has a long way to go.
Marriage Equality & LGBTQ+ History Month
Same-sex couples, like comedian Fortune Feimster and her partner Jacquelyn Smith, are getting married quicker over fears that marriage for them will be overturned. Damona weighs in.
How the Trump Era Has Strained Mixed Political Relationships
According to the most recent stats published in the New York Times, it appears that mixed-partisan couples may skip voting to minimize conflict. Damona explains why.
DEAR DAMONA (14:10)
I’m @DamonaHoffman on all the socials. I love to hear from you! We are already collecting questions for next month’s Dear Damona episode— DM me your questions on your favorite social media platform and tell me how you found out about this show. Here’s what our listeners asked this week:
- I’ve had several experiences where I didn’t want to give out my last name, my phone number exactly where I lived and exactly where I work. I have found that when I have followed the apps, safety tips suggested by match or other sites that men have called me paranoid, overly cautious. I would love some advice about how to navigate these conversations without seeming defensive.
- So on Tinder, at least seemingly, is now apparently the career hub for women to promote their quote unquote, content, which they’re selling. Their OnlyFans and their premium Snap. And so my question is, are you seeing this in other states? Are you seeing this across the country? Or is this just a crazy Florida thing?
- How can I find love or find a nice guy during the pandemic without the use of dating apps?
- I started dating a great guy that fits several of the qualities I’m looking for. However, he has bad breath. Do you have any suggestions on how to approach this sensitive issue with this guy?
- Why are men so apprehensive about sharing their career, as we are getting to know them, ask them questions about who they are? They just seem to not want to share what their job or career is.
- I’ve been enjoying being single for a long time. But I’m just now feeling like venturing into the dating scene. What dating app would you recommend? Not interested in apps like Tinder.
WANT TO READ ALONG??
Unknown Speaker 0:00
It’s a tale as old as time. He’s handsome, debonair. She’s pretty and sweet. They lock eyes across the room.
Okay, hold on. Honey, you need to get your facts straight. Finding love today is more like
Unknown Speaker 0:17
Greece posts to get my
Unknown Speaker 0:18
swipe was invited to share my life. What
Unknown Speaker 0:21
does this text mean? Maybe he’s just not that into me is this relationship going anywhere,
you can keep waiting for the fairytale. Or you can get on board with the new rules of relationships. If you’ve read my advice in the LA Times, then you know, this ain’t your mama’s love advice. This is dates in mates with damona Hoffman, hello, lovers, while the days are getting shorter, and the dark winter is looming, but we are still out here and these dating streets and today is an entire episode dedicated to the questions that you have submitted this week. There’s a lot of ground to cover. So I want to get right into the show. But first, I need to take a moment to correct a mistake that my team and I made. And this is an important one, two episodes ago, we used incorrect pronouns when we refer to pop singer Sam Smith. So I went back and I re recorded that portion of the episode to honor Sam Smith’s identity. And I promised to be more vigilant in the future. But I really wanted to be transparent with you all and to also thank the listeners who reached out to point out the error. I am a firm believer that when you make a mistake, you should own up to it and make it right. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to do today. And I want to make this a safe space for everyone. And I really appreciate that this is an inclusive and loving community that we built right here. And that you care enough about this show for me to get it right and to engage in conversation with me. This show is definitely a conversation and dates and mates is driven by what’s happening in the news, what you need to know and the ways that I can be of service to you. Which brings us to today’s special deer demona episode. Starting now we will be spinning off the deer demona segment into its own episode once a month. So three weeks a month, you’ll hear thought provoking interviews and once a month, you’ll hear listeners ask their questions and a full episode devoted to your troubles in love. To kick it off. We have to get you up to speed on these headlines though. I’ll be talking about the latest on video dating and should you even bother and why this has suddenly become LGBTQ wedding season plus love in the time of Trump and how cross political partnerships have fared in the last four years, then I’ll answer your questions in dear Dimona, and here’s a few things that are on your mind. Why are all my matches trying to sell me stuff? And how can you stay safe on dating apps? Plus, where can you find love off of dating apps today? Oh That and more on today’s dates and mates. Let’s get into these headlines.
Unknown Speaker 3:09
These dating dish.
Mashable shared the news about Tinder releasing their video feature worldwide. Now, this isn’t the first time that you’ve heard about video chat dating on this show, of course. But especially it’s not even the first time you’ve heard about Tinder video chat dating because they’ve been rolling it out since May or June, all throughout the US in different markets. But this is different because now people have really had a chance to become comfortable with video chat dating. And I’ll admit that I said at the beginning that video chat dating is the wave of the future. And I still believe that it is. But I want to remind you that it’s not the only game in town. First of all, you do still have the option of a phone call. And when you do the video chat, you have to remember how much additional pressure it is to get ready for that date. And you need to be clear of whether you’re doing this as a replacement date or if you’re doing it as a screening for a date. That said if you are planning to have a video chat date, and you want to stay within the app, and Tinder is not the first app to do this. Bumble rolled out this feature earlier this year. It’s also it’s also being tested on many other platforms on match.
But the challenge is that a lot of these apps were not designed for video. They were designed for dating apps, they were designed for static images that you swipe through or that you you message about and adding the layer video is a whole different tech stack. So what I’m hearing from the database listeners and from my clients is that they’re running into a little technical trouble with these new features. And of course Tinder Tinder rolled this out slowly today. Trying to work the bugs out. So I can’t speak specifically to tenders, to tenders, video chat feature, but I can tell you that overall, they have been a little bit glitchy and a little bit hard to use. And so then people say, Well, what do I do in that case? And I had another listener who wrote in to me and asked whether they should give, whether it’s safer to use FaceTime or to use zoom? And the question the answer to that comes down to what is your definition of safer if it’s you’re trying to protect your anonymity, then you definitely would be better served with zoom. Because you’re you can have a different name on zoom, you can have your name be private on zoom, and it can’t be traced back to you. But your phone number, whether it’s a cell phone, or like I don’t know, if anyone still has a landline, it can actually be traced to your your name. And if it’s a landline, it can be traced actually to your home address. But sometimes even for a mobile phone. So you just have to really be mindful of what information is out there about you and some of these things through reverse phone lookup, you can actually find out some detailed information about the person. So do be careful about giving out your number of personal information or your Apple ID, those sort of things. And I do I have a partnership now with an app called text. Now, if you’re wanting to text or talk on the phone, and you’re you don’t want to give out your real number, definitely check out text now. But I do like the video feature, if you can find a way to do it comfortably. If you’re not going to get all caught up in like how am I looking in the video and not paying attention to the person on the other side of the screen. If you’re not going to get frustrated with tech, if you are going to prepare yourself the way you would for a regular date, then I’m all for it. I’m all for Tinder rolling out this feature. And I really think it’s going to become a key feature of all the dating apps in the coming years as they fine tune the the technology and the abilities that it has. Well, it’s a big month for tech. It’s a big month for voting. And it’s also a big month for marriage equality. I just found out that it is actually LGBTQ History Month. And that said, there’s been a lot happening that is making the LGBT community wonder if it’s time to just just tie the knot and get married because right now, we have marriage equality. We have the ability for people of all orientations to get married in the United States. And not that long ago. I remember when this was still a very big fight. Obviously, Amy Coney Barrett just got appointed to the Supreme Court. And there has been talk from Justice Clarence Thomas and justice Samuel Alito that the same sex marriage ruling has ruinous consequences for religious liberty, and maybe challenged in the future. So all of that is making a lot of LGBTQ couples run to the altar. I feel like a lot of people are running to the altar and COVID are you all seeing like tons of wedding photos in your timelines too. But specifically for people like fortune five ster, who’s a comedian, you may remember her from the Mindy Project. And she just married her partner, Jacqueline Smith in Malibu last week.
But they’ve been engaged. They’ve been together for two and a half years. And now we’re seeing that a lot of people are taking this opportunity to get married because they don’t know if the opportunity is going to be there in the future. And this is honestly really sad to me that that we It feels like we are moving back in terms of equality. And I fully believe Love is love. Did y’all see that Oreo commercial that went viral last week, it was it was kind of like a movie, actually. But it was about a same sex couple who went home to visit the parents. And the dad was clearly not very accepting of the fact that she had brought home a same sex partner. I’m not going to spoil the ending for you. But a lot of people could relate and I think not just same sex couples, but you could see anyone who has a difference with their partner, and how how challenging that moment is when you meet the parents and see if you’re going to be accepted and how and when you think about how much harder that is even for LGBTQ couples, when they don’t know if they’re going to be accepted as a person. But even like accepted as a person, so this is a, this is really frightening time for a lot of people. But I just want to remind you that you have a voice and that representation matters. And so that’s why I wanted to bring this to the forefront for you on today’s show. And remind you to get out there and make sure that your rights are being protected.
We’re on the political political train here. So we might as well stay New York Times had a really interesting article about how the Trump era has strained mixed political relationships. This article is really a deep dive into the political dynamics in relationships and how some people like don’t even really know how what happens. You know, they say like, what, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in the voting booth stays in the voting booth. So the article said historically, women underestimate the likelihood that their spouses are voting Democrat, while men overestimate that their spouses are voting Republican. What’s crazy to me is I can’t even think about spouses that are really clear on how their spouses voting, maybe that’s just in my house. We talk about it all the time. But increasingly, people are marrying more people like themselves, not just on politics, but overall, similar education, similar belief systems and lifestyles. And what’s happening as we, as we move to the fringes of our political spectrum, is that a lot of relationships are being lost in the middle, that’s now becoming, as we’ve talked about, on the show before, one of the primary filters the primary reasons that people will say yea or nay to a match, it said that in battleground states partners tend to know less about their partner’s political beliefs. And politically mismatched couples are likely to be the people who are not politically polarized, because those are the people in the middle that can can maybe see both sides. But it’s important to note that a lot of these partnerships did not begin in the Trump era. And these more politically moderate couples came together before things were so polarized. And when we look at the voting data, voting turnout is actually lower. For mixed partisan couples, perhaps they’re skipping, skipping voting to minimize conflict. Perhaps it’s that we are still confused about which direction we want the country to go in. But I just want people to move towards love. So let’s try and keep an open mind. And let’s try to lead with love through the season, it’s going to be a rough week. And whenever you’re listening to this, I’m sure it’s going to be a strained and challenging time. So I’m just sending out lots of love to you no matter what you believe, no matter how you vote. And before we go into the break, I also want to thank you for helping dates and mates reach number 11 on the apple podcasts charts yesterday, I’ve been making this show for eight years. And I’m so grateful for all the support from our longtime fans and new listeners. And those who took the time to scroll down to the bottom of Apple podcast app and leave us a five star review. Like true Skye who said this podcast is super entertaining and chock full of helping people in the modern world and now dating in the COVID world. But let’s be real, the COVID world is now the real world. And I want you to know how to navigate through the new normal no matter where you are in the political spectrum. And no matter how you identify, I will be back in just a moment with your questions on everything from bad breath to only fans accounts. So don’t go anywhere. We are back and it’s time for your questions.
Unknown Speaker 14:08
damona help me
this first question comes to us from a longtime listener who has some questions about dating safety along with a crazy dating story.
Unknown Speaker 14:19
I’ve had several experiences where I didn’t want to give out my last name, my phone number exactly where I lived and exactly where I work. I have found that when I have followed the apps, safety tips suggested by match or other sites that men have called me paranoid, overly cautious. I had an experience where I went on a great first date with a guy this is before the pandemic and he really wanted to see me again. So I had mentioned where I worked. I had just started a new job and he actually called my place of employment the next day looking for me when I had this massive walk and talk with the guy that said, Why are you so cautious, you know, wouldn’t give me your last name, give me your phone number, you know has something bad happen, I would love some advice about how to navigate these conversations without seeming defensive.
Susan, I absolutely understand why safety is your top priority. And it absolutely should be. Any guy who is going to be worth your time is going to respect you, and your boundaries and know that for women, especially safety is the way into your heart making you feel that you are being protected, making you feel that you are comfortable and making you feel that he can be trusted. And this is something like for the guys listening that I think sometimes men don’t understand the way women have to walk through the world constantly vigilant. And, you know, I would say men of color, specifically black men probably understand what I’m talking about here, too. But some other guys might not have had this experience. I know my own husband, who’s a white man did not have this experience before of not feeling safe. He didn’t even lock the doors to our to his apartment. When I first met him. When I would stay over I’d say can we lock the doors? And he’d say, Well, I locked that there’s a door, there’s a gate to get into the apartment complex. And I was like, do you know every person who is coming in the apartment complex? And do you know every person who is a guest of someone else who’s coming in the apartment complex? And do you know every person who had the door open for them because that person didn’t want to feel bad and shut the door in their face because they just came up behind them and they didn’t want to be rude. So they let them in anyway, there’s there was so much risk. To me that was absolutely apparent. And yet, because of his experiences not to knock them he just didn’t have that awareness of safety, because he had never been put in a position where his own personal safety might be threatened. So the idea that this guy Susan, would come looking for you at your job is absolutely ludicrous. And anyone who thinks that they can win someone over with a grand gesture like that has seen far too many ROM coms, because that is the opposite of making you feel safe and comfortable. So what I would say to you is to keep with your convictions, I think it is absolutely understandable that you don’t want to share personal information, especially where you work where you live or anything like that until you’ve properly vetted someone and made sure that they are safe enough for you to feel comfortable sharing that. And yes, as Susan mentioned, a lot of the dating apps have safety guidelines on the app that you can read. And I know we all swipe past it and we skip it because we’re like, I just I’ll know I’ll be fine. But it’s a really good idea to give those those rules a once over because they’re, I guarantee you there’s probably something in them that you’re not doing right now that you could be doing to keep yourself a little bit more safe. This one comes to us from Chris, who’s one of my patreon Fw B’s I
Unknown Speaker 18:23
Dimona. This is Chris from Orlando, Florida, and I’m 31 years old. So on Tinder, at least seeing which is now apparently the career hub for women to promote their quote unquote, content, which they’re selling. They’re only fans and their premium snap. And so my question is, are you seeing this in other states? Are you seeing this across the country? Or is this just a crazy Florida thing? Because I’m originally from Denver, and I just moved here and when I moved here all I’m seeing is this crazy? Here you’re joining my only fans join premier snap. Anyways, that’s my question. I love you dimana. I love the show and help me I need answers. Thank you so much.
I have to admit I I don’t know if I can say if this is a weird Florida thing. There’s obviously a lot of weird Florida things we could Google. This one I didn’t know. But it makes sense to me because for a long time and producer Leo and I were chatting about this before the show. For a long time people have used dating apps for other means they’ve used it for business connections. Like she was even telling me that she’s known of trainers, matching with people who are overweight to sell them personal training services, which I think is absolutely disgusting. But the idea that someone would match with you to sell you their only fans subscription or something else. That is their special content. Makes me wonder Chris, if you are matching with the right people. And to me, it says that you might be swiping on the wrong things. And I feel like these types of profiles, these predatory profiles, can be pretty easy to spot. Like if they’re overly polished photos, if they like, people, real people online should have profiles that look a little bit flawed. And I was going over this in my women’s coaching group a couple weeks ago, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is you have to go a layer deeper and say, Is there more information in this person’s bio? If they’ve linked it to Instagram say, do they have a bunch of stuff that’s selling their only fans content? You have to kind of do a little bit more detective work. And I think we get into the routine of just swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, but we’re not doing that first layer of, of filtering before you get into the chat. But as I always say you’re not looking for, for the ones that are no, you’re just you’re just focusing on the yeses. So I wouldn’t worry too much about that, that issue happening or be overly fixated on it. If you have other matches that are moving forward. But if it’s all you’re getting, you’re either on the wrong app, your profiles, not saying the right thing, or you’re swiping on the wrong people. This question comes to me from a gal named Aaliyah.
Unknown Speaker 21:35
Hi, Mona, this is Lily. And I have a question for you about being single and everything and how to find love, especially during COVID. And I hope that out there, my dream of love will come true in so hoping that you will help me with that. Thank you.
Here’s some more detail that she emailed to me. I just started out college a year ago, and I love it so much. What brought me here is that I have a serious question that you probably get a lot of how can I find love or find a nice guy during the pandemic without the use of dating apps? I know it’s kind of silly. But that is one of the things I want to accomplish before I get older, say 30 or 40 years old, although you can find love at any face any age smiley face. So, uh, Leah, yes, you are asking a question that a lot of people ask me, How do I find love off of the dating apps. And I’m just going to level with everyone I got a little keet on from the Drew Barrymore show audience for telling a lady last week that the dating apps were the best option for her even though she didn’t like them. So I’m going to expand upon that perspective. And also, let you know why I say that, because it’s not just, it’s not laziness, just go on the dating apps, it’s because dating apps are really the best bang for your buck. They’re the biggest game in town right now. And for the foreseeable future, let’s be real, y’all gonna be wearing masks for at least the next six to 12 to 18 months. And dating is a primal and, and
basic need, you are not going to just be able to put off dating and say I will deal with that later, you are going to have to find a way to date safely within this pandemic. And I find that dating apps give you the best way to expand your pool in a safe and efficient way. So what I said to the woman on the Drew Barrymore show is that she should develop a growth mindset around dating apps, saying, I’m not good at dating apps yet. But it’s something that I can get better at. And therefore when you’re better at things, you enjoy them more. That said, No, it’s not the only way. So I’ll give you a couple other ways that you could possibly meet someone, Leah, and all of the other people listening but they’re more labor intensive. So So put on your big boy and big girl and nine non binary pants, because we’re going to go on a journey really quickly through the other ways to meet someone and how, how much effort you’ll have to put into it. You can meet someone on social media, you can slide into the DMS, you can follow hashtags. You can search by hashtags, I was looking for a client The other day I searched by single dad. And then I had to go into each individual profile and look at where that person was, whether they looked cute, like how young their kids were so much more information that would have been up front on a dating app, but I did it because I’m really trying to help this person find love. You can also join a Facebook group that is around a particular interest. I wouldn’t recommend A singles Facebook group, and technically those are disallowed. So it’s hard to find them anyway. But you’d have a better chance of making a connection with somebody that you have something in common with through a more specific group, like a book club or a fan page for a particular artist or a show or something like that. You could also use your connector circle your connector circle is the people that are first, second and third degree connections to you who might know the kind of people that you could potentially meet. So those people you want to go to and ask them for a very specific thing. I’m looking for someone who’s this, this and this. And that could lead you to a match as well. You could do social distance meetups of some sort. If you feel comfortable with that. Aaliyah, you’re in college, there’s got to be something happening on college campuses, just please make sure that you’re being safe, please wear a mask, don’t go to some indoor house party, frat party situation with no ventilation, and you think you you’d end up catching COVID. And then you’re out of the dating season for a few weeks, or maybe longer. Not worth it, it’s not worth it. So all that said, I really feel like dating apps are your best bet. But keep in mind, not all dating apps are equal. And you get back what you put into it. So if you’re not getting what you want on a dating app, you haven’t programmed the algorithm you’re not using the tool correctly. And I would say go back a few more episodes. And I’ll tell you everything that you know, if you just keep listening to this show, you’ll learn everything you need to know about how to use a dating app more effectively to find love. And it definitely can happen for you between 30 or 40. Or love at any age. Sara sent me a question over Instagram, Sarah said, Hi Dimona, I started dating a great guy that fits several of the qualities I’m looking for. However, he has bad breath. Do you have any suggestions on how to approach this sensitive issue with this guy, he sometimes chews gum, and even that doesn’t seem to help. There are very few guys that fit my criteria. During the last six months of my online dating, that’s why I’m really trying to make it work with this guy. This is such a tough one. Because I feel for this guy and I feel for you. And this is probably like if he chews gum, and it doesn’t help this is probably a medical issue, or like an ongoing issue that he might have some sensitivity about already.
That said, You can’t ignore it. But also, you really shouldn’t throw a good guy, you should not throw out a good guy just because of this one thing. Like whether it’s a physical characteristic, or you know one thing that doesn’t check all your boxes. So we can get through this, don’t worry. What I would say is you feed him what they call a sh t sandwich sugar, honey iced tea sandwiches, my mama would say that would be the thing that is icky. You put in the middle, and then the bread two compliments. So the first thing is you remind him how much you love him or how much you are enjoying getting to know him or how sexy he is. So you start out with a compliment or something optimistic positive, that that shows your future potential together. And then you say, I’ve noticed that sometimes your breath has a certain odor. And then you follow it up with I’m it’s not really a big deal, right? But, but I really love kissing you and I just wanted to ask, and trust me, girl, it’s going to be awkward. It’s going to be awkward for both of you. But it’s something you just need to move through. And so he might tell you, oh, I have this medical condition. It’s this thing. I don’t know how to stop it or I’m on this medication that’s making me have dry mouth and that’s why it tastes like it’s smells like that. Or he might it might be the first time someone has said it to him. I would be shocked if it was but maybe he just needs that awareness. And you can then together figure out what the solution is. Maybe he has to go brush his teeth and his tongue before the next time you kiss. Maybe it’s he carries mouthwash or pinaka Do they still make that that that mouth spray knock I feel like all the guys in high school it always like spray that like it was gonna help them get kissed. But you can work on this together because that honestly it’s a big issue but it’s a minor issue if it if it’s in the context of finding somebody One who hits who checks so many of your boxes and fulfills you on so many deeper levels. This next question comes to us from Kathy. She’s a single 51 year old divorced mother of one daughter living in Los Angeles.
Unknown Speaker 30:14
Why are men so every hand says about sharing their career, as we are getting to know them, ask them questions about who they are kind of thing. They just seem to not want to share what their job or career is. Thank you.
Kathy, I would say if a guy doesn’t want to tell you his career, it’s possible heydo have a career. Okay. But let’s put this on context. You know, I said at the top of the show, like COVID dating is, is dating now. And the reality is, a lot of people are in dire financial straits. Right now, a lot of people are losing their jobs. I don’t know if you delineate between job and career. But it’s tough times out there. And as I also said, at the top of the show, people still need love. And, and COVID is not a reason to not continue to seek out partnership, losing your job is not a reason to seek out partnership. But if this is a pattern you’ve seen for a really, really long time, I would say it’s one of two things either doesn’t have a career and doesn’t have any money, and thinks that that is the reason that you would eliminate him from the dating pool, or the more optimistic way to look at it is that he does have a lot of money, and doesn’t want people to only love him for his money or for his career. That said, I don’t know that this is an epidemic that is happening on the global scale. Kathy, I think this has something to do with the men that you’re choosing. And you’re identifying a pattern. So I would then look at the commonalities between profiles I, let’s see, this is what I love doing like getting really granular on your dating life and figuring out where patterns are coming up. And what is triggering you to swipe right on someone or to say yes to going out with someone and what are the what are the warning signs or commonalities when you compare one profile to the next or, or if you’re meeting people through friends, what is causing them to continue to introduce you to the same kind of people, because I bet you’re going to find a similar thread. And once you fix that, and you fix your attraction to that because sometimes, sometimes you know attraction will lie to you. And chemistry is a killer chemistry will send you in the wrong direction. Many a time. And in I I’m for getting more strategic about your your matches, and figuring out what it is you’re attracted to that is not serving you and see how you can put that in alignment and then the rest of your matches will fall into place. The next question comes to us from Valerie on Instagram.
Unknown Speaker 33:13
Hello, team on ad This is Valerie. I’ve been enjoying being single for a long time. But I’m just now feeling like venturing into the dating scene. What dating app? Would you recommend not interested in apps like Tinder?
One of the number one questions I get from people is what dating app is best for me which dating apps should I be on? And I’m actually I have a solution. I’m going to be releasing a quiz very soon to help you figure this out. But in the meantime, I’ll tell you it’s much more about the way you use the tool than the specific tool that you’re on. That said, You need to understand what the dating pool is. So I the way I figure out if an app is right for someone or not, I look at the way that they like to engage. Do they like swiping? Do they like having a deeper dive? Or do they like the matches to be much more curated for them? Then I look at how much time do they have to spend on the app, the more open ended the app, the more time you have to spend filtering. The more curated the experience, the less time you have to put into it because the app is doing that work for you. Then I also look at where you are and what is the demographic you’re looking for. So Valerie, I don’t know Tinder does skew fairly young is compared to the other apps. Tinder is the number one dating app right now in terms of number of people on it. So it’s a good standard app to use. People think it’s just a hookup app, but there’s really a wide variety of reasons for people to be there. But that said, you have to do more filtering if there’s a wide variety of reasons to be there. That makes sense. So do you have the time to do that? But is it also the appropriate pool for you? When you go on Tinder? Do you see people that you’d actually want to go out with? Do you? Do you like swiping right on Tinder? Or is it like, all of these guys? I wouldn’t, I would, it’s a waste of time for me. And that said, does it bring up frustration for you, if you hate your dating app, and you’re frustrated, using it every time and of course, there’s all a lot of times a push pull with the app because we love it because it brings us dates, but like, we hate that we have to do it, or we hate the experience of it. But if you just straight up, dislike Tinder or dislike whatever dating app that you’re on, that’s, that’s definitely not the right dating app, because you aren’t going to want to do it. And to put the effort in that I’m talking about of getting really strategic, if you dislike the experience of the app overall. So I, I can’t tell you exactly what the right dating app for you is Valerie. But I encourage you to sample to try around, try different apps, go through that process. And really ask yourself those questions that I just asked asked you. And then figure out which one feels right and know that you’re not married to the dating app. So I recommend being on two apps at the same time. Ideally, three gets to be a little bit hard to manage all the messages. But I also recommend that you jump around a little bit, you can be on an app for a couple months. And then if you feel like you’ve gotten to the end of that, that thread and the bottom of that, well, then just replenish your well with a new app and do what I’m telling my clients is cycling, I’m calling the cycling. So it used to be like I would say stay on one app for three months and and just drill in there. Get your profile perfect. Wait for the new people to come in. Now I’m doing a new This is my like COVID dating, dating app plan. Cycling, you do one app for a month or maybe two until you get to the point where you feel like I’ve exhausted the options here, you cycle to another app for two months, then you can cycle back to the first one and you’ll see up brand new
selection of of possible dates for you. The possibilities are endless. Honestly, Valerie, and even though we’re in the time of COVID, it’s still possible to make a match. It’s just all about the mindset that you’re bringing into it. So I encourage you, especially as we go through whatever we’re going through, politically over the next few months, I encourage you to really clarify your convictions, your values, what you want, in a partner use this time to go inward and, and really do that deep dive work so that you have a crystal clear perspective on what you’re looking for and love. And then we can hit the ground running January, I’ll be doing my my programs again. And we can really attack it head on and make sure that you have the dating plan that’s going to bring you love. Regardless of whether we’re in a pandemic or not, I think we still will be regardless of who ends up being our president, and you can still find a match and someone may have a meaningful place in your life in the new year. That’s all the news that’s fit to print for Episode 334 of dates and mates. As always, we will put the link to the dating dish stories that we discussed. And the show recap at dates and mates.com if you have a question and it didn’t make it in this week’s show, we are going to be doing more dear Dimona episodes starting next month there will be a another full episode all dedicated to your questions. So let me know what’s on your mind. Send me a voicemail. Did you see how fun it was when we can actually hear the other listeners voices. Don’t be shy. I love it when you message me. But I really love it if you send me a voice memo or you leave me a voicemail. I’m at damona Hoffman on all of the socials. And you can send me your questions there in the DMS or you can give me a call 424-246-6255 and just stream of consciousness. Let me know what’s on your mind. We’ll pull it all together and put it in our next show. And if you want more dating advice you want direct access to me. Why not join our Patreon Friends with Benefits firstname.lastname@example.org slash dates and mates. Listen, it’s five bucks. It’s just five bucks and you can get insider deals on my product. programs, access to special sessions and bonus features. And then you’ll also be helping to support the dates of mates podcast and make it free to so many folks who need help in love and may not be able to even spend that five bucks if you have it. Why not pay it forward and make love a reality for everyone around you. So don’t forget to vote vote like your love depends on it. And we’ll be back again next week with more dates and mates. Until then I wish you happy dating
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