Top Single Cities & Mind-Body Connection



YOUR MIND-BODY CONNECTION PLAYS A BIG PART IN YOUR JOURNEY FOR LOVE

You’ve heard me say that initial attraction and chemistry are not indicators of long-term compatibility and that true chemistry will build over time. Today we’re talking about how to build that authentic connection in this fast-paced world with Tziporah Kingsbury. 

She’s a Somatic Intimacy and Human Connection Specialist, author, and breathwork trainer. Trust me, this interview changed the way that I think about mind-body connection and I hope you learn something, too. But first, as always, we have headlines:

DATING DISH (1:26)

(1:26) Singles on the East Coast have it pretty good.

A new study from ApartmentList.com examined Bumble data from 100 US cities to determine the Best Cities for Singles in 2021. They weighed four key factors — dating satisfaction, social satisfaction, dating affordability, and percentage of singles. 

Coming in at number one was Washington DC – with nearly half the city being single – and ranked second was Boston. College towns were also ranked higher for dating, due to the higher than average numbers of marriage-minded singles who stick around town after graduation. 

Hot tip from me to you: Regardless of where your city has ranked on this list, it’s all about using the information you have about your city and harnessing the right tools in your dating plan. You can find love anywhere.

 

(4:18) Can’t stop oversharing on first dates and then worrying that you overshared?

Don’t worry. According to the New York Times, you are not alone. We tend to overshare when our brain is working overtime to handle emotional strain. If you are managing stress, exhaustion, or nerves, you might find yourself sharing more with an acquaintance than you normally would. 

When you spend all your mental resources managing one thing, you are left with less willpower to manage what you say. The perfect storm for one complicated first date, amiright?

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Fear not! We can avoid these situations by practicing self-control. Here are some tips from NYT and me:

  • Check in with how much you’re talking — ask the other person more questions.
  • Know which topics you want to talk about, and the topics to avoid. 
  • Even if you overshared, you can simply apologize or veer the conversation to a lighter topic.
  • Or if THEY have overshared, you can brighten up the mood by extending kindness and compassion by acknowledging what they said — this is an opportunity to practice Empathetic Dating. 
  • And above all, remember that information needs to be earned!

 

TRUST ME, YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG (10:00)

I sit down with Tziporah Kingsbury, somatic intimacy specialist and author of Revolutionizing Intimacy: Navigating Connection in a Disconnected World. You’ve seen her work on The Bachelor where she teaches her clients how to dig deep in their mind-body connection and to use their body intelligence for love. 

Today she’s going to explain how your body seeks connection and how breathwork can help you on your journey to find your soulmate.

(10:58) What is a Somatic Intimacy Specialist?: If therapy is about the mind reacting to our environment, somatic therapy is working with how the body reacts to our environment. According to Tziporah, we hold our history in our body. So how do we become more aware of what we’re storing? That’s where somatic therapy comes in. Tziporah’s big piece of advice is to slow down – when we can slow down enough to be in touch with our physiological responses in the body, we can more clearly identify what’s being stored and where.

(13:19) How to clear the tension we’re holding in our bodies: When we feel tension in our bodies that may be holding us back, we can always realign ourselves by going back to the breath, found in what Tziporah calls our “energy chi.” We can 

(17:54) Creating intimacy without oversharing: The pace of dating has become much quicker these days, which makes authenticity a lot harder to cultivate. So how do we check ourselves to make sure that we are coming from a place of vulnerability and not emotionally dumping? Well vulnerability isn’t about opening the floodgates as quickly as possible – vulnerability is about being authentic, and authenticity is how we become closer to the people that we’re with. So if you’re on a date and you’re extremely nervous, express that to the other person! Tziporah also advises us to do the work to be grounded in who you are, so you don’t need to put your needs on somebody else. That way, instead of asking “do I trust the other person enough to be open with them,” we are asking if we trust ourselves enough to open up.

(23:34) Finding the “yes”: We have so much attachment to the word “no” as rejection, but Tziporah encourages us to use “no” as an opportunity to discover more possibilities of intimacy. A “no” creates a “yes” to something else, and it’s up to us to find what that is. For instance, if you tell your partner “I don’t want to have sex today,” you can both then ask, “what can we do to feel good today?” Hiking, cuddling, drawing together – so many possibilities reveal themselves when you look. And remember, someone’s “no” has nothing to do with you.

(29:29) How do we breathe, anyway?: Tziporah describes that each one of us has a conditioned breath pattern, cultivated in our body based on our life stories. So for us to get back in touch with ourselves, we have to bring the breath back to how it was when we were born – extremely open, effortless, and uncontrolled. We can do this by sitting on a chair with our back supported, placing our palms firmly on the lowest part of the belly, and taking deep, flowing breaths through the mouth. When we let go of controlling the breath, not only does our nervous system feel safer since we are more grounded in our body, but we are able to breathe through whatever pain we are holding. Because “the only reason we control our breath is not to feel.” 

Check out Tziporah’s free gift for Dates & Mates listeners, a chart for emotional literacy and you can join her FB Group here.

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:57)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email from Mel – How do you know when it’s time to move on? I’ve been seeing this guy for five months. I really like him but we don’t see each other as much as I like, and I would like more! And he’s still seeing other people. I know you said slow love, but is it time to move on and stop wasting my time?
  • Voice Message from Anonymous – Hi Damona, I’m a single mom and I began dating an amazing guy about a month ago. I feel so connected emotionally in a way that I haven’t before. We joke and say that we’re basically the same person but my concern is that he is a superBachelor. He is about my age, so late thirties, and he’s told me that he’s not sure if he’s ready for a family. His family life was not the best growing up and he said that’s just not anything he really envisioned for himself based on the experiences that he had growing up. So I don’t want to get into a relationship with the expectation that my partner is going to change but I know this is sort of A New Concept for him. I’m okay with giving him a little time to think it through, and he has expressed that he’s open to the idea. But he’s just not sure – my question is how much time is appropriate to give him before I need an answer? There’s a lot of wonderful things about this relationship, but I need someone who will not only accept but love and care for my son, and I just don’t know if I’m setting myself up for heartbreak.

Marriage Ain’t For Punks & Relationship Minimalism


WHY YOU HAVEN’T FOUND “THE ONE”

 

Today’s episode is for anyone who has ever felt burned out by swipe culture…

Anyone who thinks that the one may have gotten away…

Anyone who strives to be the best partner they can be in a relationship…

You’re in for a treat because our guest today is the one and only Pastor Calvin Roberson.

You probably know him as Pastor Cal, the marriage expert on LifeTime’s hit TV show Married At First Sight. He’s also now the author of the new book Marriage Ain’t For Punks. He’s going to talk to us about how to get out of the swipe momentum and find a relationship you actually want to stick with and work on.

 

DATING DISH (2:08)

The Definitive Guide to Digitally Ditching Your Ex

Now that technology is irrevocably intertwined with your day to day, you can’t ignore the fact that your ex could have access to you digitally. No fear! Metro UK has published some tips on the matter:

  • Change your passwords – Do you really want them mooching off your Netflix account for all eternity?
  • Realize it’s normal to snoop, even if the relationship ended amicably – check your social media privacy settings
  • Remove all of your accounts from their devices
  • Reset your home smart devices
  • In extreme cases, check for stalkerware

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Relationship Minimalism: Is it for you?

Relationship Minimalism: cutting down on relationships that don’t serve you in order to avoid unnecessary emotional engagement with the world around you. Do you have any relationships – romantic or otherwise – that cause emotional clutter? Damona breaks down this movement and how to determine if Relationship Minimalism is for you according to an article published in The Guardian.

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MARRIAGE AIN’T FOR PUNKS (10:46)

Damona interviews Pastor Calvin Roberson from Lifetime’s hit show Married At First Sight. 

He’s been a marriage counselor for over 20 years and now he’s the author of his first book, Marriage Ain’t For Punks. And we ain’t punks – so obviously, we need all his secrets to find a forever relationship:

How to find marriage material

When to know if a relationship is worth your time

Do people even take commitment seriously anymore?

And so much more!

Here’s a sneak peek published on Damona’s Instagram:

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Damona Hoffman (@damonahoffman)

You can find more of Pastor Cal on Instagram @iamcalvinroberson and make sure to pick up your copy of Marriage Ain’t For Punks!

DEAR DAMONA (32:34)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Voicemail: I appreciate your podcast so much and just your optimism and and I’ve just got a situation here. So I’ve been seeing this guy for about six months now and last week. He told me that he felt like something was missing and we talked through it off. We need a but I really don’t know how to proceed from here. Like is there anything I can do to like help them figure out what that thing is if I have it? I I mean, I feel like this is a common thing with guys sometimes and I’m just at a loss here and yeah little little torn up about it. I appreciate any advice you can give thanks.
  • Email: How to say that you are looking for someone smart and educated without sounding like you’re too serious or elitist? I want chemistry but I also want someone who can hold a conversation

So Relatable & Your Best Dating App

ARE YOU TALKING TO THE RIGHT PEOPLE THE RIGHT WAY?

At this point in the pandemic, Let’s admit that some of us have kind of forgotten our social skills and need a little practice. It’s not just you, it’s everyone, I feel it, too.

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That’s why we brought in a friend of the show, Rachel DeAlto, to teach us how to relate and be relatable again. Not only is she Match’s Chief Dating Expert, she’s also the author of a brand new book called “Relatable: How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere Even If It Scares You.” So she knows her stuff.

But first, Damona gives a Mini Master Class *Snack* on how to pick the best dating app for you, based on the category of each app and the types of people that use them.

DAMONA’S DATING ACCELERATOR

This episode is brought to you by Damona’s Dating Accelerator Program. The new and improved 10-week version of her most popular group coaching program is launching at the end of the month! If you are ready to level up your love life, you could be the perfect fit for the Dating Accelerator Group Program.

Check it out at damonahoffman.com/group

 

MINI MASTERCLASS *SNACK* (2:08)

“Damona, what’s the best dating app?” 

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Damona’s here with all the answers. Instead of headlines, this week Damona swoops in with a bird’s eye view of the various dating app types so that you can figure out which ones will work best for you.

STRATEGY:

Damona says that right now, the strategy that works best for her clients is a process she calls Cycling. With cycling, you start out on one app and one app only for 4 to 6 weeks. You swipe, chat, and date on that app until you start to feel a lull in momentum and then you cycle to another app for 4 to 6 weeks. Then it’s back to app A where you can see fresh matches again.

But which app should you start with? Well that depends. Here’s an outline of the 4 types of apps, the people that like them, and the common traps of each one.

(3:02) Traditional – like Match, Plenty of Fish, or OkCupid

These are traditional dating sites and apps that provide a lot of opportunities and give you a chance to try out a bunch of different matches. Everything is on the menu! However, they do require a clear process and strategy to filter out the desired matches out of thousands of possibilities.

Type of Dater: You like options. You need a dating app that has tons of possibilities and different ways to search through your options. 

  • The 3 Traps:
    • Spending too many frustrating hours filtering to find the best people – hello maximizers, I see you.
    • The Overwhelming feeling that comes with an inbox dominated by DMs from the wrong people
    • Exhaustion after wasting so much time matching, chatting, and going on dead-end dates

(3:28) Swipe App – such as Bumble and Tinder.

These are excellent for busy singles, who are newer to dating, and want to get started fast with a wide range of options. Not sure what’s on the menu? Everything! The downside is it’s hard to find the right committed match because the profiles don’t give you a lot of information about the person on the other side. You can get stuck in the texting trap or in the messaging phase, and you need a clear strategy for navigating from the app into the real world before they ghost.

Type of Dater: You are looking for a wide range of options and easy connections.

  • The 3 Traps: 
    • Feeling like you don’t know enough about your matches up front and then you waste time going on too many of the wrong dates
    • Overwhelm in the match and message process – maybe you even think “I wish someone could do this part for me”
    • The disappointment that comes with thinking you know someone and meeting in person and finding you’re not quite compatible

 

(4:04) Niche – JDate, Christian Mingle, and Farmers Only.

If you know that there is a particular quality, interest, or cultural element that is of the utmost importance to you, this kind of app provides you with matches that meet your criteria. Unfortunately, apps like these have smaller dating pools. It can often feel like nothing is happening if you don’t know how to search your options and pick the right matches.

Type of Dater: You are focused on finding a partner who shares your values and interests. Apps with too many unqualified options feel like a waste of time to you. If it’s a specific quality you’re looking for in a partner, there’s a high chance you can find an app for it.

  • The 3 Traps: 
    • Limiting your dating options a little too much
    • Constantly wondering if you’re just “too picky” to find love
    • The feeling that nothing is happening in your love life and the clock is ticking

(4:38) Curated – eHarmony and Coffee Meets Bagel.

These apps are excellent for people who are discerning or choosy, but don’t have time to do the filtering themselves. While tedious filtering is taken off your plate, it can sometimes feel like you don’t have enough options or much control. These apps are slow paced and you need some clear direction if you’re going to get your match off the app and on to the next phase of dating.

Type of Dater: You don’t want to waste your time searching and swiping, you like a curated dating app that will deliver the right matches directly to your inbox.

  • The 3 Traps:
    • The feeling that you never meet any great dates – you keep thinking isn’t anyone else out there?
    • Getting stuck in their DMs but never moving into a real relationship
    • Downloading and deleting app after app, but never finding what you what

 

RELATE AND BE RELATABLE (10:46)

Rachel DeAlto and Damona get into the nitty-gritty of interacting with human beings face to face once again. 

(11:40) The formula for being relatable: It’s all based on 3 categories, what she calls CCI (apparently pronounced “kuh-kai”) – Connection, Communication, and Inspiration.

(13:48) Connect: The first step in tapping into your own relatability is to practice authentic connection. So getting to the meat of authentic connection means daring to take off all the masks we wear in our day-to-day, releasing the idea of perfection and the thought that we have to show up a certain way to be liked or loved. Think about it this way – if you show up to a date and all you’re focused on is making sure the other person likes you, you’re probably not showing up as your truest self. How can anyone truly like or love you if you don’t let them know you? When we engage in authentic connection, we allow people to understand us. And from there we are able to form more honest and long-lasting connections.

(20:14) Communicate: Rachel focuses on the energetic elements of communication – presence and curiosity. The most effective way to have conversations with others is to maintain curiosity about the other person. This is very different from active listening, because it’s one thing to just sit and listen. When we’re curious, we end up engaging in more active conversations. The more you can get someone talking in a conversation, the more they will be enamored with you because you’re not only listening, but you’re interested.

(23:10) Inspiration: To be relatable, you have to be inspirational. In other words, there has to be an inspiration behind who you are and what you do. Rachel encourages finding your “then what” – you want a relationship, but then what? You want all these followers, and then what? What is the purpose behind what you want? When we have that specific guiding light that is coming from within, it attracts others to us and makes what we do more intentional.

(30:29) How and why do mantras work?: We all have the power to change our thinking. Why? Neuroplasticity – basically our brain is play-doh, and with the right tools we have the ability to move that play-doh around in whatever way works for us. Rachel says that as you direct your brain to think certain thoughts, you can start to move towards those thoughts – which means you can be the one to help yourself show up.

Get your copy of Rachel’s new book “Relatable: How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere Even If It Scares You.” here! 

DEAR DAMONA (32:34)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from Anonymous – I met a guy on hinge (like you suggested). He is recently out of a 10 year marriage and then 2 year relationship and has 2 kids (8+10 yrs). He made a vow to himself to not get into a serious relationship too fast again but we went 0 to 60 on our first date and it was amazing with incredible chemistry. I heard from him consistently (calls and texts) until I called him out on our second (amazing date). He says he wants to keep dating each other and other people so our feelings don’t grow too quickly and I said I like him and am willing to give him that time and space but at some point know that I will want more or will move on. Now I’m afraid I’ve left the ball in his court and I’m giving him too much power – but I want to support him at the same time. Do I cut it off? Or proceed with caution? Is he taking advantage of a nice girl like me? Final note – I really like him (I never like anyone) and could see us working out if timing was better. He seems worth the wait.
  • Instagram Message from Ella – Hi Damona, I hope you don’t mind me asking. I’m 43f, never been married and currently wading the online dating waters. How long do you think is the “normal” time to keep on trying on the app and when should you admit that it’s time to pack up?

Emotional Intimacy & Teleport Dating

 

HAPPY SEXUAL HEALTH MONTH LOVERS!

Ignore all of those flashbacks to your middle school sex ed – we know you are all grown adults so this episode is not going to be like that at all (even though you should definitley do your research and make sure you’re keeping yourself safe, healthy and satisfied.. no glove, no love and all that jazz.)

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Today we are going to talk about another important issue regarding your sexual health: how to feel more emotionally satisfied, figure out what you’re looking for in a partner, and ask for what you need. Like literally, we will cover the words you need to say to ask for consent or tell someone when something is good or not so good for you.

Damona welcomes Shelby Sells, certified love, sex, and life coach, whose mission is to unpack your emotions and learn the tools for healthy relationships. She’s collaborating with THE Ashley Madison on a cool new campaign called Sexual Health is Wealth (and she has a wealth of sexual health knowledge to share). 

 

DAMONA’S DATING ACCELERATOR

This episode is brought to you by Damona’s Dating Accelerator Program. The new and improved 10-week version of her most popular group coaching program is launching in September! If you are ready to level up your love life, you could be the perfect fit for the Dating Accelerator Group Program.

Check it out at damonahoffman.com/group

 

DATING DISH (2:46)

(2:46) Are video dates the end of “swipe culture”?

A new dating app called Teleport is creating a new way to date besides swiping – the app offers users five minute invite-only “microdates” with people who share common interests, passions, or beliefs. 

Damona maintains that there are pros and cons to dating apps like this. While video dates are a great way to screen your matches and test your chemistry before meeting in person, it may be harder to put your best foot forward in only 5 minutes. Plus, we all look different in real life versus over video chat! But bright side – apps like this can help us become more conscious about dating online.

(7:34) Channing Tatum is feeling SOMETHING for Zoey Kravitz.

So Channing and Zoey were recently seen in Williamson, Brooklyn together getting coffee and riding bikes. But more importantly, fans pointed out that Channing started following several Zoey Kravitz fan accounts on instagram (tea). Even though I think we all love this pairing, this is a great reminder for us all to be aware of what’s visible to other people (or potential dates) on the internet. I’m talking facebook likes, instagram followers, retweets and likes on twitter – go back through all of these when you get a chance, and make sure they still represent the person you are today.

 

SHELBY SELLS (15:40)

Shelby Sells is a certified love, sex, and life coach based in New York City. Her work is centered around unpacking emotions and relearning tools for successful relationships. Shelby’s mission is to empower authentic intimate connection by holding space for people to explore their sexuality with open hearts and minds.

 

(17:12) Sextimacy: What is it and what does it look like? Shelby says sextimacy is “the effort to find emotional intimacy through sex.” Of course, we don’t always need our hookups to be backed by emotional intimacy. But if you aren’t sure, some of the signs of a lack of emotional intimacy include little or no direct communication with your partner (expressing your needs and desires). Another is to look for what makes up most of your relationship – are you mostly talking about sex, or do your conversations have more emotional weight to them? This will be a tell.

(22:03) How do we share our boundaries, wants and needs with a new partner?: Let’s get one thing clear – consent is SEXY! When someone respects the boundaries you’ve communicated to them, this makes space for you to feel more playful and safe with your partner (and vice versa). Don’t be afraid to be blunt with your partner about what you want. Also don’t be afraid to check in with your partner in the middle of being physical – this lets your partner know that you’re present in the moment. And lastly, if you’re confused about your partner’s boundaries, ask for clarity.

(27:38) Sexual Health is Wealth: Ashley Madison has taken big strides in providing stats that help us close the pleasure gap on women’s sexuality. One study says 59% of women rarely or never receive oral sex from their partner, and another says 64% of women feel neglected in their marriage. So what can we do to keep a physical relationship alive and exciting? Frequently check in with your partner about what’s been feeling good when you’re intimate, maybe explore sharing new fantasies or positions you want to try together. Try to focus on what you’re partner is doing right and communicate this to them, or talk about how you both could make it better. And if this feels scary, Shelby shares that the more you communicate, the easier it becomes. 

(36:07) Being open about STI’s: STI’s can be an awkward thing to talk about with a potential partner. Shelby shares that picking partners that you feel safe enough to communicate with will only lead to better sexual health, since awkwardness won’t be part of the equation. Try to come from a place of open-mindedness, empathy and compassion. But it’s up to you when you want to disclose that information – regardless, it should still be a conversation

 

Check out Shelby’s campaign with Ashley Madison at  https://www.sexualhealthiswealth.com/

 

DEAR DAMONA (47:18)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from Vernée – I love that you speak about values and after the last 4 years certain values are definitely in the forefront for me and will make a difference in choosing a partner. I’m a LGBTQ+ ally, BLM, science is real kind of person. How do I communicate that on a profile without sounding like a demanding jerk?
  • Instagram Message from Logan – I’ve listened to a few of your shows recently. They’ve helped me on my journey to understand myself and get back onto dating apps. I took a 5 month break because dating became too stressful for me. Now I’m back on, the same stress returned. My biggest stress comes from that I seem to not match often and when I do, I find after a second look that I’m not that attracted to her. Am I jumping the gun or should I stick to my instincts?

Offline Dating & Adults Date Better



DO YOU HAVE A CHANCE OF FINDING LOVE OFFLINE?

Today we’re addressing one of the most common questions from people who are frustrated with dating apps – how can you meet someone offline today? 

Yes, it’s still possible. 

Camille Virginia, author of The OFFline Dating Method: 3 Steps to Attract Your Perfect Partner in the Real World, joins Damona to an overview of her method.

But first, have you heard about Damona’s new Coaching Program?

THE DATING ACCELERATOR

Today, Damona launches the new and improved 10-week version of my most popular group coaching program. If you are ready to level up your love life, you could be the perfect fit for the Dating Accelerator Program. You can find out more about The Dating Accelerator at damonahoffman.com/group

If you are a single person who:

  • needs a mind, body, and spiritual reset on dating
  • Who wants to get serious about finding a life partner
  • Who thrives in a group environment with supportive like-minded people
  • If you are feeling isolated coming out of the pandemic and are looking to connect

OR  feel that in the next 3-6 months finding a relationship is or will be the #1 or #2 priority for you 

Then you are invited to accelerate your love life to get to that point.

Early bird enrollment at a deeply discounted special rate is available until August 31st only at DamonaHoffman.com/group

 

DATING DISH (2:05)

One quality that makes you SUPER SEXY

A new study published in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences points out that those who are more willing to try new foods increases one’s sexual desirability. 

Survey responses show that people who have an adventurous palate are perceived as:

  • more sexual
  • more likely to have had a great number of past romantic partners
  • more willing to partake in uncommitted sexual partnership
  • less likely to feel “disgusted” by sex (and therefore, more unrestricted in the bedroom). 

But although being adventurous around food gets you dating props, participants did not have the same reaction to those who were willing to try other new things like books and music. Food for thought.

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Here’s Damona’s takeaway: Does “willingness to try new foods” seem like a must-have quality to you? Because it may just be one of many micro-choices actually blocking you from finding love.

How clear are you on your goals, values, and choices? And how clear are you on which qualities matter in your ideal partner?

Damona always starts her Dating Accelerator clients on Mindset. 

If you have ultimate clarity from the start of your dating process about what your core needs are in a partner, the dating process is much simpler. 

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Will Match put an end to ghosting once and for all?

A new update in the Match dating app will now give nudges to users whenever a chat stalls to either continue the conversation or unmatch from the person. When someone selects unmatch, the app will send a polite message to the other user. Beyond this, Match will also release “Matched By Us,” a once-a-week match where both users can see each other and don’t need to await mutual “likes.”

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CAMILLE VIRGINIA (12:48)

Camille Virginia is an award-winning writer, founder of Master Offline Dating, and author of the best-selling book The Offline Dating Method – her 3-step process to help singles ditch the dating apps and attract a great partner in the real world. After overcoming her own social anxiety, Camille is now dedicated to helping others create a less lonely, more meaningful life. She has subscribers from over 100 countries and has been featured in major media outlets including The Atlantic, the BBC, and USA Today. She’s here to share her secrets on Dates and Mates today!

(14:01) Camille’s backstory, being an introvert and loving connection: Camille talks about how she fell into her dating career, and how she overcame her introverted nature through her love of connecting with people.

(19:21) What is magnetic approachability?: Camille talks about the first step in her Offline Dating Method – cultivating approachability. As she defines it, approachability is being comfortable in your own skin; because when we are comfortable with ourselves, we make other people feel comfortable to approach us. 

(23:57) Creating effortless engagement: How do we make connecting with others more effortless and less stressful for ourselves? When we let go of expecting any specific outcome, we are able to ask more genuine questions that we actually want to know the answers to. Keep conversations casual and contextual. And think about how you can trade stories with someone, not just answers.

(35:00) How do we navigate feeling confident and connecting with others IRL?: We all have an innate need for human connection, so define what feels comfortable for you and explore the balance between online and in-person interaction. And once you figure out what your comfort zone is, push it a little bit and prove your fear wrong.

Preorder Camille’s book here!

 

DEAR DAMONA (45:02)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from S – I’m a single mom and have a 3 year old son. I think my son’s pediatrician has been flirting with me – not in a creepy way – he’s just attractive, kind, and sincere. Recently, I found out that he will be leaving the practice. I did some snooping on the internet and found out we have a lot of things in common. I really want to get to know him. What do you think?
  • Email from J – I decided to get back out there this summer after the long year of isolation. After getting on the apps, my second match and I hit it off, in a major way. Then… just like it began, it was over in an instant. For all us lovelorn folks who are hurting after putting ourselves back out there, what’s your advice for picking up the pieces and moving on?

 

Must Love Dogs & Overcoming Insecurity

YOU GET 3 DEAL BREAKERS. THAT’S IT.

Today we at dates and mates are asking the question: are your deal breakers really all that important?

Damona always says you get 3 must have qualities in your list of things you want in a partner, but some of y’all need a little reminder as to what that really means.

What really counts as a deal breaker? They’re too short? Too tall? He doesn’t like dogs? She’s allergic to cats?

Lisa Bonos is here to help! She is the current dating and relationships reporter at the Washington Post and has her finger on the pulse of the American dating scene — or the heartbeat, as she says it.

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But first, we have headlines. Lovers, are you ready? Let’s dish!

DATING DISH (2:05)

(2:05) Maskne got you down?

Mask Acne – it’s a real thing. If you feel like your skin has seen better days, you’re not alone.

Many people feel their self-confidence has taken a hit since the start of the pandemic, whether it be from maskne or the nerves of having to talk to people in person during skin breakouts.

Lovers, this article is clearly advertorial and FULL DISCLOSURE: Damona IS NOT promoting this brand. However, the survey taken by OnePoll did uncover some interesting info about American attitudes towards the correlation between skincare and confidence.

More than ¼ of respondents have cancelled a date because of a breakout. Of the 2,000 people who took the survey, 45% have begun wearing heavier makeup than usual, and 48% say they’ve turned off their camera during a video call. Damona gives her thoughts on self care and confidence.

In the meantime, check out the study here.

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(5:50) How long does it really take to fall in love?

Damona hears this question all the time. Like… at least once a day. While Damona has a general idea based on years of dating coaching, she can’t always give a straightforward answer. 

Finally, this article from New Scientist has compiled all of the studies done on love timelines. Disclaimer: it turns out that most of these studies were done on heterosexual couples.

A study from YouGove says the average time for men to fall in love is 88 days, and for women it’s 134 days. An Elite Singles poll from 2017 says 61% of women believe in love at first sight, while 72% of men do.

That said, Damona is a fan of SLOW LOVE. We all want to know what the timeline should be, but the fact is that everyone is on their own specific timelines. 

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LISA BONOS (10:39)

Lisa has been a reporter at the Washington Post since 2005, and she’s written for a long time about matters of the heart. And now she’s here on Dates & Mates to give us an inside peek into what’s really happening on the dating scene today.

(11:30) How To Date After A Pandemic: Damona and Lisa dish on the challenges in moving from the apps to meeting your prospective date in person, and Lisa’s take on how people’s standards have changed.

(23:42) The Workplace Romance: Damona and Lisa have both had a change of heart about workplace romances, since the seemingly unavoidable awkwardness of a breakup in the office is now nonexistent thanks to working online.

(30:04) What Will Change After the Pandemic — or What Will Stay the Same: The zoom date is here to stay, folks. Lisa says many of the singles she’s talked to love the new addition of pre-screening your dates. The pandemic has also encouraged us to be more straightforward about what we’re comfortable with and what we want with the people we’re dating, which Lisa hopes people will continue to do post-corona. 

(32:47) What Is Oversharing vs. What Is Vulnerability: Pacing matters. You don’t have to share everything with someone you just met — think of going “emotionally slow.” Remember that someone has to earn your story.

Check out Lisa’s articles here: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/07/20/dating-life-after-covid/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/08/06/office-romance-pandemic-dating/

 

DEAR DAMONA (39:51)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from Lauren – Hello Damona. So I finally decided to walk away from a manipulative person. Turns out my intuition was right and he has been messing around. Should I ghost him or give him the respect of saying I’m done? He didn’t give me that respect before he had this other girl in his car. I do not want to become callous with men, but how do I gain the ability to be the strong one without feeling hurt?
  • Instagram Message from Vernée – Hi Damona! Two questions. I’ve always been plus size and self conscious about my weight – especially after quarantine. I’m feeling kind of ready to get back out there after a break up last June, but I’m struggling with being bigger than I was before. I know there are a few apps that are specifically for curvier/larger women, but I’m afraid of fetishization. I already deal with that as a WOC. Are you familiar with these apps? Could you make a recommendation for the best one?

 

DATES & MATES DEALS

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How To Not Die Alone & Delta Dating



IT’S TIME TO GET BACK OUT THERE

Did you take a break from dating during the last two years? A lot of people did.

But here’s the thing: you can’t keep your happiness on hold forever. So being careful to avoid the recent spike in Delta Variant, today we’re going to talk about dating confidently again.

Our guest this week is an absolute gem, Logan Ury — brilliant behavioral scientist turned dating coach. She is the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge and author of How To Not Die Alone. 

She’s going to tell us the 3 main types of daters and the biggest mistakes each type makes – so you fix your dating sitch and get back in the game.

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But first some hot tips for dating during the Delta variant:

 

HOT TIP TIME (2:04)

(4:12) HOT TIP #1 – You need to do more screening. 

Gone are the days when you could just swipe, swipe, message, jump into a date.

You’ve got to qualify your dates to see if you can trust them, if meeting them is worth your time and if you’re going to enjoy your date, whether or not it’s a match.

This means messaging back and forth a bit (but no more than a week) and then moving on to a phone call or a video date. 

We know, we know! Y’all hate Zoom dates. Damona gives the rules to better digital dates.

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(6:20) HOT TIP #2 – Don’t plan another boring dinner date to meet someone for the first time.

You can take advantage of nice weather in most places right now and do something more exciting. A few ideas:

  • get ice cream
  • go hiking
  • have a drink on an outdoor patio
  • rent a paddleboat
  • play mini-golf

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Once you are there, remember that you are responsible for your own good time and you are responsible for your own covid dating safety.

Damona explains how this situation is actually advantageous to setting healthy boundaries early in the relationship.

 

(7:43) HOT TIP #3 – Practice slow love.

What is the rush? If you are in it for the long haul, why are you trying to fast forward to the end? 

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The fun part is in the getting to know you phase. Damona explains how to know when you’re ready to be intimate.

 

HOT TO NOT DIE ALONE (10:20)

Logan Ury is Hinge’s Head of Relationship Science, a dating coach and now The author of the acclaimed book – How To Not Die Alone. 

Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, TIME and I’m so excited to share her with the Dates & Mates audience!

(14:30) The Three Dating Tendencies: Logan describes the categories of patterns in which everyone tends to fall. You’ve got the Romanticizer, the Maximizer, and the Hesitater. Which are you, and what can you do about it?

(21:26) Growth vs. Fixed Mindset: How to stay motivated when you’re ready to give up on searching for your person.

(25:56) Logan’s Love Story: Should you take a chance on dating outside your “type?”

(31:10) Fewer Better Dates: How to put more care into the dates you choose to go on, and maximize the potential of your dating app profile by creating a narrative for yourself.

Buy Logan’s book, How Not To Die Alone, here: 

 

DEAR DAMONA (47:13)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Question from Lindsay – Hi Damona. I’m noticing a pattern of always becoming the friend, never the love interest. What am I doing or not doing, and how do I break out of the friend zone and into the end zone? I’m a 35 year old woman in New York, boss marketing exec, but I’m the mama bear and good friend to everyone. I’ve “hung out” multiple times one on one with love interests and they just aren’t ever interested in that way. What can I do to be seen as girlfriend material?
  • Message from Tim – Hi Damona, I’ve been listening to your podcast since the beginning of the year and it’s fantastic! I’ve downloaded your helpful profile start kit, I’ve been practicing slow love and thinking about where I can meet new people online and offline. So a massive thank you for changing my mindset around dating! I do have a question though, I’ve had one date with this girl and the date went really well and I just matched with someone else who I would like to get to know. Should I date more than one person at the same time? Would it get confusing? What’s your advice around dating multiple people at the beginning and later down the road? 

 

DATES & MATES DEALS

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The Viall Files & Cookie Jarring

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ARE YOU GOING TO GET YOUR FAIRYTALE ENDING?

Welcome to Season 9 of the Dates & Mates podcast!!

We are so excited that the first guest of season 9 is Nick Viall, star of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise.

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He has made quite the name for himself as a contemporary and very opinionated dating advice guru and so obviously Damona had to have him on the show.

He’s here to talk to us about what you can actually learn about love from reality TV shows like The Bachelor – if anything – and how to find your happily ever after on Instagram. 

But first there’s the news:

 

DATING DISH (3:57)

(3:57) Team USA – who’s really hooking up at the olympic village

A claim circulating online about cardboard beds at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics being “anti-sex” is not true. Damona investigates.

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(6:02) Cookie Jarring is a big toxic dating trend this summer.

The person you are falling for is getting to know someone else behind your back. They have another “cookie in the jar” aka have a backup plan or security. Looking for an example on tv? Think Love Island. 

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NICK VIALL FROM THE VIALL FILES (10:15)

Nick Viall starred in the 21st season of ABC’s “The Bachelor” and Bachelor in Paradise. Since “The Bachelor”, he’s become a successful actor, media personality, and now host of “The Viall Files” a People’s Choice Award nominated podcast.

Nick has spent a lot of time in the last 6 years on TV looking for love and now that he’s finally found it, he’s going to tell us how an epic DM slide made it happen.

(10:55) Don’t take love advice from The Bachelor: Surprisingly, Nick is pretty adamant that the Bachelor gives unrealistic ideals of love. It’s important to understand what “love at first sight” really means and how you can filter out potential love interests. 

(16:04) A Bold Move: Nick found his love, Natalie, through a DM. He shares his advice on sliding into someone’s DMs and connecting with someone through online dating & social media. Plus, you don’t have to stick to the traditional ways of gender norms when it comes to making your move. 

(21:33) Men are Like Puppies: Many men feel safer and able to open up when their love interests compliment them. 

Get more Nick Viall: https://viallfiles.com/ 

 

DEAR DAMONA WITH NICK VIALL (23:41)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from Amani – Hello. Here is the question. I have been dating someone long distance since November 2020 and we met in person in February 2021. She is preparing to move across the country to live with me. We are discussing how much she should contribute to the rent/mortgage if she moves in. She will be looking for a job when she arrives, and there is no timetable in terms of when she could get a job. She feels she should not have to contribute to the mortgage until she has a ring on her finger. I feel she should contribute a portion per month (1/3 of the mortgage). What are your thoughts on this?
  • Instagram Message from Nicole – Hi, Damona! Love the pod and your content 🙏🏼 I would love to get some advice from you about a situation. I casually dated this guy in 2019 for 6 months. He got back in touch with me last fall, and we were flirting virtually pretty consistently until January- he initiated every convo. Since January, he has been reaching out periodically on different platforms (dms, text)— & and asking me out. Then a couple weeks ago, he liked me on hinge (how we met in 2019), talked about how we’re very compatible, and asked out again. I’ve accepted all his asks, and then he doesn’t follow through with plans. The last time he did this was the hinge situation a few weeks ago. He said his family was in town, but he could see me like a week and a half later. Then again, no follow-up. I addressed this and told him I’d really like him to make a plan, because I would enjoy spending time with him. He “loved” that text, but that’s the last I’ve heard from him. I want to see him. Is there any move I can make at this point that wouldn’t seem pathetic? Should I wait for the next time he comes around? Other? I would love to know your thoughts. Thanks, Damona! Best, Nicole (I’m 31, he’s 33)

 

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Hot Young Widow & LAT Relationships



GOT EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE?

Has something happened in your past that is preventing you from finding love?

Today’s episode is all about finding love after loss, traumatic events, unfulfilling relationships and everything in between.

Nora McInerny is the host of the podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” and the author of several books including No Happy Endings and The Hot Young Widows Club.

As she says, Nora found lightning in a bottle in a once in a lifetime love… and then lost him to stage 4 brain cancer. She had to rebuild her life in her late 20s, coping with the loss of the love of her life, all while raising a son.

And we thought we had emotional baggage.

She’s going to talk us through what it was like to find love once again after loss and what it means to date with baggage. 

Hopefully yours is a cute Louis Vuitton clutch. But even if it’s a thick multi-compartment trunk or army style duffle, we’ve got you covered.

But first there’s the news:

 

DATING DISH (3:25)

(3:25) Famous people are invading dating apps. So how do you hook up with a celeb?

Influencers and celebs are flocking to methods of finding love online – first dating app but now mostly through Instagram. 

Ben Affleck and Matthew Perry were among celebrities who were outed on dating apps. Damona has thoughts on this: 

First: y’all, stop taking screenshots of celebs on dating apps. They’re just there looking for love, too. 

Secondly: Dear Celebs, if you’re afraid of a publicity seeking match, then avoid the texting trap and drive towards the phone call.

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(9:31) A new relationship trend among the 65+ crowd that you might need to try

Living apart as an older couple may be beneficial to a relationship’s success. Older women have spent a lot of their lives inhabiting archaic gender roles and are now to avoid that in end of life care. The New York Times reports that the LAT Trend (Living Apart Together) is the solution to this problem.

Here’s what you need to know if you’re not in this age group: Let’s stop rushing into moving together. Damona is seeing a lot of couples move in together out of convenience rather than out of an actual desire to move into the next stage of the relationship.

 

IT’S GOING TERRIBLE, THANKS FOR ASKING (14:28)

Nora McInerny is the creator and host of the award-winning podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” and the best-selling author of the memoirs It’s Okay To Laugh, (Crying Is Cool Too) , No Happy Endings, The Hot Young Widows Club.

Her work has appeared in publications like The New York Times, Time, Slate and she has spoken on TED’s main stage.

And now, she’s here on Dates & Mates to talk to us about loving again after loss and dating with baggage. 

(14:28) Question: Do you avoid dating people with kids? America is moving away from the traditional 2 adults /2.5 children household and leaning heavily into “blended family” territory.

(18:19) Coping with Loss & Tragedy: After Nora’s husband passed away from brain cancer, her life changed forever. She learned how to cope from the loss and come out stronger on the other side. 

(25:28) Do you people as romantic and non-romantic? After her husband passed away, Nora viewed every guy as just a fling to keep from feeling too attached. She wanted to belong to nobody until she connected with her current love. 

(39:33) The chair that changed everything: Against all odds, Nora met Matthew and found someone who could find a place in her family’s life.

(44:32) How you know he’s a good guy: He doesn’t treat you like the center of his world. Paradoxical, I know.

(51:08) Baggage & Relationships: Everyone’s been through trauma in different ways. Our baggage makes us unique and doesn’t have to impact creating meaningful relationships. 

Get more Nora: www.ttfa.org  

 

DEAR DAMONA (57:18)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from Dahlia – I would appreciate some tips to make my profile I guess, better. The thing is that they’re messaging me and because I’m not an A Lister, I have a lot of likes, and maybe messages but because I’m not an A Lister, so I’m just thinking if I should just bite the bullet and pay to be an A Lister, maybe I’ll have a better matches or is just going to be the same. So that’s what I’m gambling with now. So if you could give me some tips, and you know, or you know, just like maybe the people that I’m trying to connect with. They’re not into me, and you know, so you know, maybe my time hasn’t come yet.
  • Message from Cami – My boyfriend once said that he wouldn’t date a girl of color and it’s been bothering me. I know it isn’t necessarily my place to be upset but it rubs me the wrong way. I tried talking to him about it earlier today but every time I would ask him why he would give me an unintentionally(?) racist answer. Since we are in an open relationship, I recently broke up with my girlfriend who is a black woman. They never had issues but he seemed almost grossed out by her. I don’t want to break up with him but I cannot date a racist. Is this preference or racism?

DATES & MATES DEALS

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Meet Cute & Friends First



HOW WILL YOU MEET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE? 

Today we’re making a case for jumping off the deep end in love. 

Naomi Shah is the founder and CEO of Meet Cute, a media company that produces their super popular podcast Meet Cute – every episode is a fun bite-sized scripted rom-coms.

She’s going to tell us about the whirlwind romance that inspired it all. It involves one singular coffee date, a bouquet, and a gigantic wedding.

This is one meet cute you don’t want to miss. 

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But first there’s the news:

 

DATING DISH (1:44)

(1:44) Science tells us once and for all the surest way to find long term love

Academics looked at data from around 2,000 couples of different demographics and found that the majority of couples first started out as friends. Starting as friends may be a more solid option than blind dates or dating apps

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(6:21) New cutest couple in hollywood alert!!

The kids of Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence are a brand new couple! While it’s unclear how long they have been dating, it’s assuming they met through their dads who starred in a few movies together. 

MEET CUTE (8:24)

Naomi Shah is the founder + CEO of Meet Cute, a production company that produces original light-hearted romantic comedies in podcast form.

These stories are all about celebrating human connection and the full spectrum of love.

(9:29) Let’s talk about Meet Cute: Meet Cute is a podcast for those who love rom-coms and want to be inspired by original scripted love stories in a short episode.

(10:58) Naomi’s Own Love Story: Career-oriented Naomi reflects on what she has wanted in relationships during certain phases of her life. Plus, her parents have their very own unique meet cute involving an international romance. 

(22:48) Hot Topics in the Rom-Com World: The most popular Meet Cute stories often involve first loves, struggles with sexual orientation, and rebellious love. 

(27:12) Dating App FTW: Dating Apps increase your chances of serendipity. 

Find Meet Cute on IG @meetcute and check them out on all your favorite podcast platforms!

 

DEAR DAMONA (30:11)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from L – Hi Damona! I’ve been listening to your podcast for 3 years, even since I lived in Sweden and was dating an American boyfriend! Three years fast forward – moved to Bay Area, got married and divorced (😬), been focusing on work for the last year… While keeping an eye on the dating apps and listening to your podcast. I am 31, work as an engineer at Tesla, have all kinds of tomboyish hobbies, looking for someone very smart, probably an introvert, career-driven, kind and supportive. Someone local to the Bay area and tall (I am 5’9+) Another engineer is a plus but not a must.
  • Instagram Message from Karly – Hi Damona! Who pays the bill when you’re on a date?? I know traditionally, “the man pays for everything” but that’s not realistic…so how do you start the convo about those expectations? I personally don’t mind splitting costs or even covering costs for dates, but I’ve never ever discussed that with anyone I’ve dated. For context, I recently met this guy on Hinge. He invited me on 3 dates (1st was free, 2nd was a car ride, 3rd was dinner which he covered the bill). Maybe a week later, I asked him if he wanted to get hang out again. When trying to iron out the plans, he shocked me with “And I’m sure I’ll be paying & letting you smoke my weed too huh…I’m sorry, but I’m not the one”. I was so shocked that he came at me like that!! I certainly didn’t give off the energy that I was just there for a free meal and weed. He NEVER asked me to split the cost on anything, never mentioned it; so how do we have these conversations about expectations regarding covering costs on dates? Thank you!!!

 

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THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY TEXTNOW 

The app solves many major challenges that Damona’s clients face in dating today:

  • You can keep your main number private
  • You can separate your personal and dating contacts
  • Plus, It’s easy to use and FREE.

We are proud to collaborate with an app that empowers modern daters to feel safe and secure. If you want more information, check out Damona’s video on when to give out your number to people you meet on dating apps. Click here!

 

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Romance Scams & Never Been Kissed



THE DEAL WITH ROMANCE SCAMS

Romance scams – scams that target dating app users – reached a record high over the course of the Pandemic. The Federal Trade Commission reports a record $304 million in losses due to romance scams in 2020.

It’s no coincidence that this happened during the pandemic. 

While we at Dates & Mates will always maintain that you are not in danger if you know what to look for, we want to make sure we give you all the tools to keep yourself safe.

Today, Damona is joined by Mark Brooks, dating industry advisor for the dating app background check software Real Me. He is one of the OGs on the dating scene and his blog, Online Personals Watch, actually played a huge hand in Damona’s own development as a dating and relationship expert.

But first there’s news to cover:

DATING DISH (2:06)

(2:06) Bumble is bringing coffee dates back to Manhattan

Bumble  is opening a restaurant-café called Bumble Brew in New York. The new restaurant is meant to be a “safe space for healthy and equitable relationships and connections.” Here’s why Damona is a fan: you need a safe public space for first dates. Above and beyond the safety concerns, Damona shares one client’s story that will definitely intrigue you.

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(4:10) ScarJo and CoJo make a baby – everything you need to know about their relationship

Scarlett Johansson and SNL actor Colin Jost are having a baby! For years, ScarJo has been kind of Hollywood’s Ungettable Girl. So what finally attracted her to 

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IT’S THE REALME (9:10)

Today’s guest, Mark Brooks, is a dating safety and security expert. He is the official dating industry advisor for RealMe – a dating app integration that offers members of dating apps the ability to run background checks on potential matches.

He also runs an online dating news aggregate called Online Personal watch which reports daily on the latest goings on in the dating industry for executives – however Damona reads it regularly, too.

He is all about easy but effective safety solutions and today he’s going to tell us what you need to know to stay safe and secure in dating today:

(10:00) Trends in Online dating: The speed of dating has massively increased recently.

(13:57) The Addiction Factor: We are so addicted to notifications on our phone instead of interacting with those who are actually there with you.

(17:24) More Authenticity: There is a huge difference between social dating and using dating apps, especially when it comes to confirming identities of users. It’s crucial to be aware when using dating apps due to the recent and rapid increase in dating app scams. There are four types of dating app abusers. 

(27:34) Obscenity on Dating Apps: RealMe provides software to keep things clean on dating apps along with a vast number of other dating safety features.  

(34:34) Dating Apps & Felons: Should people with criminal records be allowed on dating apps?

 

DEAR DAMONA (39:30)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • IG Message from Anonymous – If someone checks the box of “don’t want kids” on a dating site, does that mean for now or forever?
  • Email from C – Hi Damona. I am a 35 yr old (black female) virgin and regardless of what people say, I feel ashamed? It’s like a chip on my shoulder or a hurdle I need to overcome and I’ve felt and been made to feel like this since junior high. Needless to say, I’ve never been in a relationship or even really been kissed. When should I divulge that I’m a virgin? If at all? How can I find guys who are not just looking for a one night thing but are not trying to marry me in less than 6 months? (yes many guys trying to get married right now) DAMONA PLEASE HAAAAALP! lol

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DATES & MATES DEALS

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via GIPHY

 

The Love You Want & Fighting Fear



THE SECRET SCIENTIFIC INGREDIENT TO GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

One word: Safety. Sounds like a no-brainer, right?

Wrong…ish. Communicating safety is SO much harder than you think.

That’s why we are SO excited to bring two LEGENDS who can teach us better communication to Dates & Mates this week, Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt.

These two are internationally renowned couples therapists and New York Times bestselling authors of the book Getting The Love You Want.

It’s been endorsed by Oprah, Damona has read it COUNTLESS times, and it remains the true relationship bible that so many dating coaches live by.

We’re going to take a look inside the science of communication in relationships – and get ready because we learn A LOT.

But first the news:

DATING DISH (1:43)

(1:44) Hollywood proves again that slow love is the only way to go. 

Christina Haack’s ex, Ant Anstead, is reportedly dating Academy Award-winning actress Renee Zellweger. What’s important to note here is that Ant has done a lot of soul searching and self-development to find his highest love.

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(6:13) Need some advice on your dating profile? Reddit might be able to help with that. 

When you’re single and “wildly unsuccessful” at online dating, you might attempt the same risky maneuver that others have attempted: posting your profile on Reddit so that hundreds of strangers can critique it.

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GET THE LOVE YOU WANT (10:31)

Get ready for a deep and thought-provoking conversation with Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, two internationally renowned couples therapists and New York Times bestselling authors. They even have a 40th-anniversary edition out, and it remains the true relationship bible that so many dating coaches live by. 

(11:12) Physics of the between: You are thinking of your relationships all wrong. The energy between you and another person matters. 

(12:31)Talking is the most dangerous thing people do: Listening is the most infrequent thing people do. Communicating safety is the most important thing you can do.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Damona Hoffman (@damonahoffman)

(15:51) One word changes everything: According to Harville and Helen, there is one word that can change the game in the way you communicate.

(17:00) Honoring Boundaries: The art of honoring boundaries actually starts with “setting an appointment.”

(20:54) Hail Storm vs. Turtle: Check in with your partner at the end of the day to make sure each other is taken care of. 

Get more of Harville & Helen:

https://harvilleandhelen.com/ 

 

DEAR DAMONA (29:05)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • (A email from a guy) Hi Damona, I’m 53 and separated from my wife in August. I have been dating someone for 4 months since February. We have a great time. A lot of making out, laughing, good convo. I like her and I’m very attracted to her. However… she won’t have sex with me because she ‘doesn’t want to be my first after separation.’ And I’m ‘not divorced yet.’ She says ‘men in your position tend to want to sleep around after divorce.’ But that’s never been me. I’ve always been a one-woman-at-a-time person. It’s pretty frustrating to be characterized as ‘divorce guy’ instead of just… me. I could pigeonhole her as ‘single woman with two kids who has never been married’ …but why? It was also a buzzkill to hear that she’s going to stay on dating apps. Do most recently divorced men get this treatment? Or is this more of an outlier? and.. Are women these days constantly fishing on the side for ‘better’ options because of dating apps? And are singles folks now becoming commitment-phobes because of it? Sincerely, -Confounded
  • (Dahlia) Hi, Damona. I listen to your podcasts weekly. And I love every bit of it. The thing is, the reason why I say I suck, is because I’ve never had to work so hard to get a date a coffee date. You know, I usually go on and I meet someone and I connect with them. And then you know, we’ll start date and then kind of, you know, just kind of take it from there. But no, it seems like I can’t even get a coffee date. So I’m like, kind of thinking, I don’t know what I’ve changed. I know I’ve you know, I’ve gotten older and you know, men my age are looking for 25 year olds that what I realize, and you know, I’m looking for, you know, more mature man, I usually date like men in their 50s. And my top off is like 60. So I don’t know what’s going on, I guess 60 year olds are looking for a 35 year old so and I’m not a 35 year old so I just need some help. You know, please.