DATING AFTER BREAKUP OR DIVORCE???
I get a lot of questions about the rules of dating amidst a big breakup. Especially during a divorce, can you date someone who is separated but still legally married? And how can you get back out there after divorce and avoid making the same relationship mistake again?
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Today, divorce lawyer Jacqueline Newman is here with tips on how to date during a divorce, and the steps you need to take when dating after a breakup as detailed in her book, The New Rules of Divorce: Twelve Secrets to Protecting Your Wealth, Health and Happiness.
DATING DISH (1:55)
(1:55) Getting cuffed for the holidays: Cuffing season is upon us – which means a new study from Mashable about cuffing with a breakdown on this year’s season of love.
Now if you don’t know, “cuffing season” ranges from around the beginning of October to Valentine’s Day, and refers to wanting to settle down more in dating (read: cuff-up with someone for the colder months.) There are a number of factors that make us consider long-term relationships around this time:
- Family gatherings and prying questions from grandma about your dating life
- Less sun exposure so we’re biologically less motivated seek connection
- Seasonal affective disorder and an uptick of feelings of loneliness
The Mashable study surveyed 2,000 American adults, and 71% said they’re more interested in long-term relationships now compared to pre-pandemic (which we saw in another study D&M covered by OK Cupid).
Logan Ury (Relationship Scientist from Hinge previously featured on D&M) says in the article, this means “you can skip the small talk and have a really interesting conversation,” and go in on a deeper level. HOWEVER, this can lead to burnout very quickly, especially if you’re putting emotional energy into every person you may have an ounce of chemistry with.
My advice: stay in the game, and don’t run at the first sign of conflict. We have to push through the moments where we feel like giving up because we’ve put 100% of ourselves into dating apps with zero payoff. Try to swipe a little more liberally to increase the amount of conversations you’re starting, but be more vigilant with your screening process of who you’d actually like to meet in person. Remember – it’s just a conversation, not a marriage commitment
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(8:14) How to dating with Social Anxiety
Dating can feel impossible at times if you experience social anxiety – but trust me you are not alone. Especially after a whole year sans cultural appropriation, no one feels 100% comfortable in person anymore.
This article from Psychology Today covers a study published in Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology which examined the impact of social anxiety and depression on adult relationships.
I was inspired by this article to find some tips to calm your mind when going on dates:
- Read up on some interesting facts or current events – this way, you’ll have topics on the back burner in case the conversation gets quiet. I also encourage you to have stories that you want to share about yourself on the date, in case your mind goes blank.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself – instead of feeling bad when there are lulls in the conversation, use it as an opportunity to ask a question on a topic that you know the other person is interested in, or one where you’re curious for their opinion.
- Get comfortable with silence – instead of feeling pressure to fill the silence or assume that this means you’re not doing your part, wait and see if the other person steps in to fill it. Conversations, much like relationships, are a two-way street. Remember that not all the responsibility is on you.
- Excuse yourself for a moment – if your anxiety gets triggered, excuse yourself and find a quiet place to regroup. If you’re at a restaurant, for example, leave to use the restroom and spend the next couple of minutes doing some deep breathing exercises. The more you can get in touch with your body and the present moment, the more relieved you will feel. This also works with getting in touch with your senses. Fill in these blanks in your head: I see, I hear, I feel, I smell.
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REBRAND YOUR BREAKUP (13:40)
I’m joined by Jaqueline Newman, the Managing Partner at a top law firm in Manhattan. She specializes in complex high net worth matrimonial cases and also in negotiating prenuptial agreements. She’s the go-to for divorce advice and has appeared on NBC, ABC, CBS, The New York Times, and so much more.
She tells us where she sees relationships go wrong and how to rebrand yourself after a breakup.
(14:58) What really causes divorce?: Jacqueline gives two main reasons: failed expectations, and communication and not being able to “fight well.”
Everyone loves the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but it’s inevitable that couples will get into disagreements. According to Jacqueline, what really matters is how you get through those disagreements. A big part of this is tabling your emotions during a disagreement – people can forgive, but they don’t forget.
From a divorce perspective, if you say some really harsh things to your partner in the heat of the moment, this has serious consequences for your relationship and will likely come up in divorce proceedings. So don’t hit below the belt, avoid name-calling, and don’t push the buttons that you know would really hurt the other person. Remember: if you do find yourself getting emotionally charged, separate yourself from the conversation until you can think more clearly.
(20:10) Someone’s gotta wash the dishes: Can you relate? Jacqueline hates doing the dishes. She would always ask her husband to do them, they would never get done, and this would lead to an argument.
They eventually found a compromise: from the time Jacqueline asked her husband to do the dishes, he would have a 24 hour window to get them done. In that time period, she couldn’t ask or nag him about the dishes at all. In this case, Jacqueline compromised by asking her husband how much time HE needed to get the dishes done.
(23:12) Social media sets up our expectations: Failed expectations are a big reason for divorce. Jacqueline says that social media is mainly responsible for this. Even though we all have a sense that what other people post is not the whole picture, it can be really easy to compare our lives to Facebook posts. The bar we set for our relationship is so unrealistically high that when things get hard in our own relationships it brings up a lot of self-doubt, anger, and resentment.
(26:08) When is the right time to start dating amidst divorce?: Before getting divorced AT ALL, Jacqueline will ask her clients “are you sure you want to get divorced?”
If she hears even a nanosecond of hesitation, she will tell her clients to go to marriage counseling first. Getting divorced takes a huge financial and emotional toll, and it’s hard to turn back. So you need to be absolutely sure before going through with it.
HOT TAKE: As far as dating, Jacqueline says that she thinks dating during the divorce process is okay but who you are dating should not meet your kids. The point is to move forward with your life as much as possible.
Plus, she encourages you to celebrate if your ex is dating someone new, because a happier person makes for an easier divorce. Seriously, it’s a lot harder to divorce a bitter person.
(29:46) Finances in non-marriage: Mixing finances with your partner when you’re not married can become a bit more complicated. Jacqueline says to check your state’s laws on finances because some states such as New York will not acknowledge common-law marriages (i.e. without having formally registered the relationship as a civil or religious marriage). Although things like child support remain practically the same, things you would otherwise be entitled to, such as asset growth or spouse support, would not be required of the other person by law.
(35:50) Living your post-divorce life: A lot of opportunities exists post-divorce since you’ve undoubtedly grown and learned a lot in the process. Jacqueline asks that if you’ve just been divorced, prioritize self-care.
The divorces process is a tiring one, especially if a custody battle or a lot of negotiating was involved. Make sure that you’ve fully healed and taken the time to know yourself again so that you can go into dating or a relationship and be able to give as much love as you have for yourself. Also, consider making a 5-year plan for yourself so you are really clear on where you want your life to go from here and on the kind of person you want to be.
Be sure to get a copy of Jacqueline’s book here.
DEAR DAMONA (38:20)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- Email from Anonymous – Hey Damona! So, I recently started dating someone. We texted for about a week, quite a bit. We had a first date, which was great and I felt we connected. We subsequently have had 6 dates (in two weeks), 3 of which were at his home just hanging out. Completely G-rated. How can I find out if he still wants to pursue a relationship with me, since I feel like his texts have cooled down the past few days. I thought things were going really well. Also, I was upfront at the beginning that my ex is in the process of moving out after this whole pandemic thing… Thanks!
- Voice Message from Jon – Hi, this is Jon and I have a question for Damona Hoffman. So I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months now and we met on tinder, and I feel that we definitely have a connection. We’re able to make each other smile, make each other laugh, particularly when we converse in text, FaceTime and phone calls. I even hear him say that he misses me, particularly when he goes out of town on trips. And when he was on a trip to Cabo, he sent me a text saying that he was accepting husband applications, and so you can kind of see how I would take that, that we’re taking it possibly to the next level. So I said that he was my boyfriend. Well, I got a text from him, and it quotes: “Listen, we have to talk. I don’t want to talk anytime before that because I have to get ready for my meeting tomorrow. Walked into lies and they were all congratulating me on my new boyfriend, and while I’m flattered, this is far from what I wanted and at the speed I needed. We are exclusive and I’m not seeing anyone else. I feel it’s far too soon for that title, we’ve collectively spent two weekends together. I really think we need to pump the brakes a lot. I’m not appreciating the liberties you’re taking with these things. Honestly, I’m flattered and I know these aren’t malicious, but these are things I’m looking for in my relationship. It’s about talking about these things and making sure we are both clear. I think I need to take a break and I’ve cancelled my trip for the 14th.” – meaning that he was planning a trip to visit me in North Carolina – “That doesn’t change the fact that I like you, but I need to pause.” So the next day, he called me and we had a conversation. He told me that he wanted a break and that this was not a break-up, however after 7 days I still have not heard from him. I’m getting a little bit of anxiety and allowing my fear to manifest, and think that this is more of a break-up as opposed to a break. So my question is, is this a break? And if so, how long should I allow a certain amount of time before I start to think, if anything, that it’s a break-up. I would love your insight, thank you!
3 Day Rule & Relationship Readiness
We have a bone to pick with y’all… Okay it’s not that deep, and we aren’t here to scold you. But we need to talk about dating pet peeves. What really grinds your gears on dates?
For our guest today, it was when her date showed up in the wrong pants. Devyn Simone is a renowned matchmaker at Three Day Rule, one of the largest matchmaking companies in the country. She’s here to tell us what really matters in making a love match.
DATING DISH (1:58)
(1:58) What’s cookin’, good lookin’?: In a week that’s ALL about food, we thought we’d cover the 10 foods that have been known to boost your sex drive. Now, are these foods scientifically proven to improve our sex drive? No. But many people have sworn that the foods on this list help them to feel *sexy* and increase their libido. Here’s some you want to know about:
(5:30) “I’m more in love with what I’m doing than people”: In an interview with Harper’s Bazaar, rapper and internet darling Lil Nas X spilled his thoughts on what he thinks it takes to commit to a relationship. While commenting on ending his relationship with dancer Yai Ariza, he shared that “being in a relationship is a responsibility. I’ve been wanting somebody for so long and wanting somebody to love for so long, but it’s a real responsibility.” He then added, “I’m more in love with what I’m doing than people.” Now, we’re all for being committed to your work or loving your freedom. But to be in love is to accept all that comes with making room for that person in your life. And if you find yourself not ready to take those steps to build a connection with someone else, that’s okay! You are allowed to take your time, enjoy your autonomy, and figure out who you are first.
If you’re ready to take those next steps to build a connection, you’re gonna need a dazzling dating profile to match. You can download Damona’s Free Profile Starter Kit HERE, which includes prompts to help you write a winning profile & a short tutorial video on how to choose the best dating profile photos. 💬
DEVYN SIMONE (8:03)
We’re here with Devyn Simone, top matchmaker at Three Day Rule. When she’s not dishing out dating advice on the Wendy Williams Show or coaching on The Real Housewives of New York City, she’s searching her exclusive database for successful love matches.
And now, she’s here to school us on what qualities she looks for in successful matches.
(9:25) Matchmaking is our best-kept secret: “Damona, why would I ever need a matchmaker?” As we continue to reevaluate how we traditionally meet people, Devyn states that people are starting to think outside the box. So consider this – having someone in your corner who has a really large network, and vast experience at getting to know people and connecting with people, is priceless. A matchmaker is also great at anticipating your own dating “blind spots” – even if you are screening your dates yourself, sometimes you might find yourself falling into the same pattern of picking the same kinds of people, even subconsciously.
(17:30) What do you hear a lot as a matchmaker?: The initial process in the client-matchmaker collaboration is getting clear on your patterns, so you don’t keep “repeating the third grade” (Devyn’s shorthand for dating different versions of people you’ve dated in the past). Once you’re both clear on your patterns, Devyn says she then moves on to getting clear about the direction you want to move in.
So with every new client, Devyn asks them for their three must-haves and three deal breakers in a partner – only three. No one’s gonna have everything on your list, so being clear about what’s most important to you will set you up for success. Eventually, Devyn expands the client’s list to include preferences, AKA qualities that are not necessary but you would enjoy if your partner had them.
(23:33) Matching men vs matching women: In her experience, Devyn admits that matching women can be more complex than men because typically, a woman’s desires are more complex. Devyn continues that generally, men ask themselves four things when they are looking for a female partner: am I attracted to her, do I have fun with her, do I respect her, and do we want the same things? And in terms of qualities, the main question they ask is: is she happy on her own? On the other hand, women at their core want to feel safe, special, and sexy – yet always leave room to ask, “but how tall is he?” So Devyn believes it can take a more significant amount of self awareness when working with a matchmaker, particularly on the woman’s part.
(26:30) Your friends are keeping you single: While we all have that list of must-haves we are looking for in a partner, Devyn points out that we can sometimes get hung up on what our friends might say about our date.Devyn gives an example from the show Insecure – the character Molly shows her friend Issa a picture of this guy she’s going on a date with (he’s on the older side). Molly thinks he’s cute, but when she shows Issa a picture, Issa immediately judges this guy’s age. In the end, this had an effect on Molly’s perception of this guy and possibly squashed any potential that was there.
Even when friends mean well, reactions like this can affect our ability to really connect (or discover a lack of connection) with the other person on our own terms. So before you judge your dates, Devyn poses the question: are you trying to please everyone else, or are you being authentic to yourself and your matchmaker?
Dates & Mates is officially collaborating with Three Day Rule! Get in touch with Devyn and all the matchmakers at Three Day Rule by going to https://www.threedayrule.com/damonahoffman.
DEAR DAMONA FT. DEVYN SIMONE (34:23)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Thirst Traps & How To Date A Celeb
IT’S TIME TO LIVE IN LOVE
I have a super exciting episode for you today! I am talking to one of my faves, Laverne Cox, (YES THEE LAVERNE COX) Emmy-nominated actress and Transgender Rights Activist. She is here to tell us all about how she found love on Tinder and how you can, too.
This is Transgender Awareness week when transgender people and their allies generate awareness about who transgender people are, share stories and experiences, and advance advocacy around the issues of prejudice, discrimination, and violence that affect the transgender community.
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I’ve been a fan of Laverne’s work for years. She’s so wise and so wonderful and regardless of your gender identity or orientation, I know you’re going to love this super-sized, advice-packed interview.
LAVERNE COX (2:25)
Laverne Cox is the first openly transgender actress to be nominated for an Emmy for her brilliant work in Netflix’s series Orange Is The New Black. Since then, she’s produced the documentary Disclosure about transgender representation in Hollywood, she co-starred in the film Promising Young Woman, and she hosts the podcast The Laverne Cox Show. And now, she’s here on Dates & Mates!
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(6:00) Laverne found a love like never before… on TINDER: Laverne spills ALL the tea. So here’s how it went: Laverne and the now-boyf matched on Tinder in NYC before the pandemic but never got to meet. They continued to chat on the app and didn’t catch up in person until months later. When they did, Laverne says they had a really great time and she thought he was awesome. They continued to meet up whenever she was in NYC and eventually fell in love! Laverne points out that even though she is 49 and her boyfriend is 27, the age gap has never been a problem for them – they always have fun together, and it helps that they share a love for music of all kinds.
Thinking about her past relationships, Laverne says that her last three boyfriends (including her current beau) had never dated a trans woman before herself. She thinks that being famous made them more open to meeting her and exploring a connection. Laverne also adds from her experience, a lot of men who purposefully seek out trans women to date or have sex with, fetishize and objectify their targets. This is perhaps why she’s seen a pattern in dating men who haven’t dated someone trans before.
(12:04) Resilience in the face of objectification: I ask for Laverne’s thoughts on being fetishized since she is both Trans and Black and on dating apps. Laverne responds that even though there is always the chance of fetishization, we have to practice not bringing those traumas into making new connections.
Resilience is key. If you’re always defensive when meeting new people, you won’t be in your “resilience zone.” Practice meeting new people with an open and curious mindset, because the energy you bring to new relationships will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you give it enough power. Laverne notes her strategy is to always give people the benefit of the doubt until they show her otherwise, “and people usually show you very quickly.”
(16:03) Don’t disrespect yourself by accepting less than what you’re looking for in love: Laverne shares that when she was young, she really wanted to be in love. On the other hand, she had an expectation of what it was to be wild, young, and free. But in this instance, her fantasy of what she thought she wanted versus what she really wanted was not in sync (and nowadays amidst hookup culture, I think this happens a lot). So Laverne advises that if you want to have sex, no judgment – but it’s important to be very, very clear if that’s what you want.
(18:58) Love is love: I ask Laverne how she thinks race intersects with dating culture. Laverne remembers what the reaction was like from her fans when she first went public with her ex-boyfriend, who was white. She recalls that many people were disappointed she was dating a white guy and thinks this is because those people wanted their own fantasy for Laverne to be carried out in real life – i.e. wanting her to find her “Black King” or be with the kind of person they wanted her to be with. Laverne continues that it’s hard enough just to find someone you connect with, why would you limit your dating pool? And sometimes you have to be really open in that dating pool to find someone you actually vibe with on a spiritual level. As they say, LOVE IS LOVE.
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(23:31) Laverne’s dating app strategy & a few words on genital preferences: In her own approach, Laverne says her profile was a full-on thirst trap – even though her pics had hookup vibes, she says she used these types of photos only to get the guy’s attention since men are more visual. And surprise, surprise… Men weren’t reading her bio.
She learned this very early on. Once she matched with someone, Laverne would ask the man three questions:
Laverne explains that asking these questions upfront is all about eliminating the men that are going to have a problem dating a trans woman. It’s a safety precaution and saves time, so she doesn’t get too far down the line with someone before they find out she’s trans.
Laverne also adds that some trans women think it’s transphobic if a guy doesn’t accept whatever genitalia she has, but she doesn’t hold it against them. Laverne believes it’s okay and perfectly normal to have genital preferences, just like we would have preferences for anything else in dating. And while it is absolutely NEVER appropriate to ask about a trans person’s genitalia or surgical status in a general setting, Laverne feels that it’s a fair question in the dating game. She says, “I think it’s a waste of your time as a trans woman if a man has a preference for a certain kind of genitalia that you don’t have.”
(30:38) Your lack of boundaries is attracting the wrong people: Laverne recalls that when she was young, like many Trans girls in early transition, she desperately wanted to be seen as a woman. This created a lack of boundaries – since she wanted others to like her so badly, she would answer everyone’s questions about her body. But Laverne realized later that other people’s projections and thoughts about her transition are not her problem. Being trans is beautiful, and she doesn’t need to take on all that baggage. I think that the more you can share your authentic self and be transparent about what you want and who you are, the more you’re able to attract the right person
(35:12) Are you holding any limiting beliefs about dating?: Laverne describes how getting older has really made her confront the stories we tell ourselves about dating as a woman in her 40’s. She states that “ageism is a story that society has told women,” and a lot of women carry the belief that dating is hopeless once you turn 40. In Laverne’s case, once she embraced her age publicly, she was able to let go of the internalized shame around her age. In the end, finding love is all about shifting our belief systems and shifting our story of ourselves, so we don’t carry around all that negative stuff with us.
What do you do if you encounter someone who won’t date you because of your age? Shame is contagious so don’t waste your time and energy taking on other people’s shame about dating you.
(35:12) Be a Love Warrior: We should strive to be the embodiment of love, and move through the world that way. She believes that whether you have a relationship or not, walking around and existing in a state of love is what we’re here for. Laverne adds that when we can raise our vibrations to “just being love,” we draw love to us in return. So think about the things that bring you pleasure and a sense of love and magnify that, walk around in that.
Check out my interview on The Laverne Cox Show here! And be sure to follow Laverne on all her socials, @lavernecox.
DEAR DAMONA (44:41)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
4 Signs Your Online Boyfriend is a Catfish
Before you start this article, know that I don’t think dating apps are full of catfish. I have never come across a catfish that wasn’t easy to spot. And I know you know how much time I spend looking at online dating profiles for my clients. If you keep an eye out for the signs of a fake boyfriend, you won’t fall prey to romance scams.
Recently a former client came to me for advice about his daughter who was in an LDR (long-distance relationship) with a man she met online. He had some valid concerns: First, the girl is 19 and her online boyfriend is 25. That’s quite an age gap which puts them in two very different places in life. She’s just graduating high school and he’s already beginning his career. I can see why a father would have concerns about a potential catfish.
Here’s the real kicker: they have never met but she’s totally smitten and willing to put her love life on hold. She’ll even miss her senior prom because she believes she is in love and he will find her and sweep her off her feet.
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Here’s Why It Matters
I’ve written in the past about catfish scams which often target older women. However, in 2020, romance scams reached a record $304 million in losses reported to the Federal Trade Commission in the United States. That’s up about 50% from 2019.
Increasingly, younger women are falling into the emotional catfish, which can have even more devastating consequences when they end (and they most often do end).
The catfish victim might have feelings of shame, may doubt their choices, feel unworthy of love and can have trouble connecting to a new suitor IRL (in real life.)
The point of online dating is to actually date.
It troubles me that so many virtual connections never make the transition into in-person dates, wasting tons of time and emotional energy in the process.
If you think you or someone you know has developed an emotional attachment to a man they met online and it may be going nowhere, here are 4 Sure Signs Your Online Boyfriend is a Catfish:
He Will Never Meet You In Person
Even if you’ve talked on the phone and heard his voice and he “sounds” nice, if he doesn’t do everything in his power to see you face to face, he’s a catfish. Men want physical connection and ultimately are driven to have sex with women they are attracted to. Simply put, if a man wants to date you, he will find a way to get to you.
His Online Identity is a Mismatch
If you Google, Facebook, or Instagram stalk him and his name or photo doesn’t match up with the guy you think he is, you have a problem. No matter how well he tries to explain this away, it’s shady. Proceed at your own risk.
He Only Calls You At One Time Of Day
If your man is only available late at night or on the weekends and he always denies your call if you ring him during off-peak hours, you are probably his side chick. He doesn’t have a second job or a really busy schedule. He might not be a catfish, but he is playing you.
He Has Lots of Pretty Lady Friends Online
There are many ways that a Facebook profile can be a dead giveaway for an online predator. Most commonly if he has a very small and seemingly unconnected group of friends and/or he’s friends with an over-abundance of women it could mean that he’s using this account to connect with his virtual harem which is not something you want to be part of.
It’s so hard to watch a woman waste her time with a catfish and these sort of phantom relationships give online dating a bad name. Meet your e-crush early and often and do your due diligence to make sure your online boyfriend is the real deal.
Modern Day Magic & Big Red Flags
HOW TO USE YOUR MAGIC IN DATING.
Happy Halloween Lovers! This is one of my favorite times of year because of all the magic in the air.
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FACT: Everyone has magic and intuition. You just need to learn how to use it to attract your highest love.
Today I’m talking to Astrologer Rachel Lang, author of the new book Modern Day Magic about all this magic in the air and how you can use it in your love life.
This is going to be a really powerful episode and you will leave today with some simple and effective rituals and techniques to help you find your intuition, visualize your match, and make some modern day love magic for yourself.
DATING DISH (2:07)
(2:07) Couples Halloween costumes for you and your cutie
As Halloween parties are coming back this year, this is a PEAK moment to impress with your couple’s Halloween costume. It doesn’t even have to be with a romantic partner – you can do this with your BFF! Now you can go classic with a Disney prince and princess, but what I’m looking forward to are all the opportunities for *topical* costumes this year – I’m talking Cassandra and Ryan from Promising Young Woman (upcycle your “sexy nurse” costume with all the right accessories), Wanda and Vision in one of the many TV universes they visit, or if you’re going solo, Kim K at this year’s Met Gala.
IMO it’s a perfect COVID safe look.
I’ll be sticking with the topical theme this year and going as a song from Bo Burnham’s comedy special Inside – with tiny pumpkins, comfy socks, and a bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsberg (check out my IG on Halloween if you can guess). If you know, you know.
(5:57) Red flags so you avoid your own dating horror story:
Usually around this time of year, we will cover your Halloween dating horror stories. But considering we’ve all been living in a horror story for this last year and a half, let’s cover some red flags so you are prepped to avoid your OWN dating horror story. I covered these on The Drew Barrymore Show this past week with Drew and Alicia Silverstone, but you can never be too prepared…
So let’s play “Flag or No Flag?”
Their profile has a long list of things they want in a partner…
NOT a red flag – having a long list means they’ve put thought into what they want in a partner. And when you know which qualities you’re looking for, you’re more likely to find someone who fits that criteria. However, if they have a long list of things they DON’T want in a partner, that can often be a red flag that they’ve got some baggage.
Their profile is only pics, no text…
RED FLAG – I think we’ve all seen a blank, pic-only profile at some point, and it doesn’t bode well. A profile with no text usually comes from either a catfish, or someone who isn’t using dating apps with intent. People who are really looking for a relationship will put some effort into writing their profile. And even if they do want a relationship, with nothing written in the profile, it’s hard to know if they’re a good match (plus you’ll waste a lot of time having to draw the info out of them).
They message you with a generic opening line like “hey”…
NOT a red flag – but, they could be doing more. To get someone’s attention, they should put forward more effort. My formula for a great opening line is always “comment + question” – comment on something in their profile, and follow up with a question that’d require more than a yes/no response. But if you want to test if they are genuine beyond the first “hey,” respond with something cheeky like “hey hay, do you love horses too?” or “I love a hey, but I have a burning question for you: [insert burning question here].” If they reply with something more original, explore the convo! But if they still aren’t giving you much, let ‘em go.
Watch the full “red flag” segment with Drew and Alicia here.
Modern Day (Love) Magic (9:40)
I’m with Rachel Lang, professionally certified astrologer, Reiki Master, intuitive, and medium. She’s been featured in LVBX Magazine, Bustle, Huffpost, Well+Good, Romper, Elite Daily, PopSugar and more. Now she’s the author of the amazing book Modern Day Magic: 8 Simple Rules to Realize Your Power and Shape Your Life.
She is my personal astrologer and friend and I absolutely love having her back on Dates & Mates!
(12:02) What is magic and do you have it? Rachel says part of the purpose of her book Modern Day Magic is to redefine what “magic” means in today’s context – because I know that some people may hear the word and instantly have an aversion to the topic. Many of us think of magic as something more from storybooks and something we can’t access ourselves. But Rachel says the exact opposite – she says that magic is really just the creative and connective energy that we all already have within us, it’s what makes us feel connected to each other and the earth.
(18:22) Using magic to set intentions and find your highest love: With every magical process, it is equal parts intention and attention – meaning, it’s not enough just to say what you want, you have to actively be shifting your energy and attention towards that result. So for Rachel, she first started working with magic because she wanted to be in love. She had to set her intentions of meeting her soulmate from a place of feeling really integrated, and able to clearly listen to her heart. As for the attention aspect, we want to spiral our intentions out into the world and have them go beyond our body/aura, send them into the earth and “into the heart of the Divine.”
In Rachel’s case, she practiced manifesting her partner through writing love letters to her future wife, and imagining her heartstrings connecting to her. But – Rachel says that we want to avoid obsessing over the end result of our intentions, because this hyper focuses us on not having that thing yet and will make it hard for us to see when the opportunity from our intentions makes itself known to us (i.e. the soulmate you’ve been conjuring could be standing right in front of you).
(23:43) Fear blocks our magic: Rachel says fear can keep us from accessing the depth of our intuition and keeps us from the clarity of knowing what we want (we may even be afraid of the thing that we want). But the solution is not finding a way to get rid of the fear, but to step into it and go as far into it as you can. Fear is energy. If you tap into that energy and use it as fuel, you can move forward full-speed and make things happen for yourself (tapping into that creative power, as mentioned before). Damona also adds that fear helps you because it tells you when you care about something or someone – if you didn’t feel fear, there would be nothing at stake, but that’s not where the best growth comes from.
(30:56) Knowing your inner Yes and No: If you take away anything from Rachel’s book, she says that honing into your intuition, and knowing your inner Yes and No, can answer any question in life. A lot of this comes from body awareness and taking the time to get to know the cues for what feels right and wrong for you. Because magic is “a body-centered spiritual practice,” having deeper body awareness lets our body be our “divination tool.” And Rachel does an exercise with Damona to practice this:
Check out Rachel’s book, Modern Day Magic, here!
DEAR DAMONA (37:19)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Breakup Rebrand & The Ultimate Cuffing Szn
DATING AFTER BREAKUP OR DIVORCE???
I get a lot of questions about the rules of dating amidst a big breakup. Especially during a divorce, can you date someone who is separated but still legally married? And how can you get back out there after divorce and avoid making the same relationship mistake again?
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Today, divorce lawyer Jacqueline Newman is here with tips on how to date during a divorce, and the steps you need to take when dating after a breakup as detailed in her book, The New Rules of Divorce: Twelve Secrets to Protecting Your Wealth, Health and Happiness.
DATING DISH (1:55)
(1:55) Getting cuffed for the holidays: Cuffing season is upon us – which means a new study from Mashable about cuffing with a breakdown on this year’s season of love.
Now if you don’t know, “cuffing season” ranges from around the beginning of October to Valentine’s Day, and refers to wanting to settle down more in dating (read: cuff-up with someone for the colder months.) There are a number of factors that make us consider long-term relationships around this time:
The Mashable study surveyed 2,000 American adults, and 71% said they’re more interested in long-term relationships now compared to pre-pandemic (which we saw in another study D&M covered by OK Cupid).
Logan Ury (Relationship Scientist from Hinge previously featured on D&M) says in the article, this means “you can skip the small talk and have a really interesting conversation,” and go in on a deeper level. HOWEVER, this can lead to burnout very quickly, especially if you’re putting emotional energy into every person you may have an ounce of chemistry with.
My advice: stay in the game, and don’t run at the first sign of conflict. We have to push through the moments where we feel like giving up because we’ve put 100% of ourselves into dating apps with zero payoff. Try to swipe a little more liberally to increase the amount of conversations you’re starting, but be more vigilant with your screening process of who you’d actually like to meet in person. Remember – it’s just a conversation, not a marriage commitment
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(8:14) How to dating with Social Anxiety
Dating can feel impossible at times if you experience social anxiety – but trust me you are not alone. Especially after a whole year sans cultural appropriation, no one feels 100% comfortable in person anymore.
This article from Psychology Today covers a study published in Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology which examined the impact of social anxiety and depression on adult relationships.
I was inspired by this article to find some tips to calm your mind when going on dates:
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REBRAND YOUR BREAKUP (13:40)
I’m joined by Jaqueline Newman, the Managing Partner at a top law firm in Manhattan. She specializes in complex high net worth matrimonial cases and also in negotiating prenuptial agreements. She’s the go-to for divorce advice and has appeared on NBC, ABC, CBS, The New York Times, and so much more.
She tells us where she sees relationships go wrong and how to rebrand yourself after a breakup.
(14:58) What really causes divorce?: Jacqueline gives two main reasons: failed expectations, and communication and not being able to “fight well.”
Everyone loves the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but it’s inevitable that couples will get into disagreements. According to Jacqueline, what really matters is how you get through those disagreements. A big part of this is tabling your emotions during a disagreement – people can forgive, but they don’t forget.
From a divorce perspective, if you say some really harsh things to your partner in the heat of the moment, this has serious consequences for your relationship and will likely come up in divorce proceedings. So don’t hit below the belt, avoid name-calling, and don’t push the buttons that you know would really hurt the other person. Remember: if you do find yourself getting emotionally charged, separate yourself from the conversation until you can think more clearly.
(20:10) Someone’s gotta wash the dishes: Can you relate? Jacqueline hates doing the dishes. She would always ask her husband to do them, they would never get done, and this would lead to an argument.
They eventually found a compromise: from the time Jacqueline asked her husband to do the dishes, he would have a 24 hour window to get them done. In that time period, she couldn’t ask or nag him about the dishes at all. In this case, Jacqueline compromised by asking her husband how much time HE needed to get the dishes done.
(23:12) Social media sets up our expectations: Failed expectations are a big reason for divorce. Jacqueline says that social media is mainly responsible for this. Even though we all have a sense that what other people post is not the whole picture, it can be really easy to compare our lives to Facebook posts. The bar we set for our relationship is so unrealistically high that when things get hard in our own relationships it brings up a lot of self-doubt, anger, and resentment.
(26:08) When is the right time to start dating amidst divorce?: Before getting divorced AT ALL, Jacqueline will ask her clients “are you sure you want to get divorced?”
If she hears even a nanosecond of hesitation, she will tell her clients to go to marriage counseling first. Getting divorced takes a huge financial and emotional toll, and it’s hard to turn back. So you need to be absolutely sure before going through with it.
HOT TAKE: As far as dating, Jacqueline says that she thinks dating during the divorce process is okay but who you are dating should not meet your kids. The point is to move forward with your life as much as possible.
Plus, she encourages you to celebrate if your ex is dating someone new, because a happier person makes for an easier divorce. Seriously, it’s a lot harder to divorce a bitter person.
(29:46) Finances in non-marriage: Mixing finances with your partner when you’re not married can become a bit more complicated. Jacqueline says to check your state’s laws on finances because some states such as New York will not acknowledge common-law marriages (i.e. without having formally registered the relationship as a civil or religious marriage). Although things like child support remain practically the same, things you would otherwise be entitled to, such as asset growth or spouse support, would not be required of the other person by law.
(35:50) Living your post-divorce life: A lot of opportunities exists post-divorce since you’ve undoubtedly grown and learned a lot in the process. Jacqueline asks that if you’ve just been divorced, prioritize self-care.
The divorces process is a tiring one, especially if a custody battle or a lot of negotiating was involved. Make sure that you’ve fully healed and taken the time to know yourself again so that you can go into dating or a relationship and be able to give as much love as you have for yourself. Also, consider making a 5-year plan for yourself so you are really clear on where you want your life to go from here and on the kind of person you want to be.
Be sure to get a copy of Jacqueline’s book here.
DEAR DAMONA (38:20)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
She Podcasts Live: Thanks for coming to my talk!
Thanks for coming to my talk!
Click below to download a guide to the perfect pitch:
Here is the link to submit for Apple
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Mini Masterclass: Worthy In Love
Worthy In Love
Today’s episode is part of the Worthy in Love Podcast Tour. A little bit about this podcast tour before we get started:
Every day for two weeks, the tour will feature a different episode from a different podcast that gives listeners actionable advice on feeling worthy and attracting a healthy partnership.
You’ll get to different perspectives on how to actually feel worthy in love. Veronica has specially curated this list of podcasts to ensure that you get the most actional, BS-free support to help you feel more worthy in love.
Yesterday’s episode was over on the Language of Adventurous Singles podcast, hosted by Kira Sabin. Tomorrow’s episode is over on the Relax Into Love Podcast with Teal Elisabeth. (Check out the whole event at veronicagrant.com/podtour)
And today it’s me! I’m kicking off the show today with a mini-masterclass on how to feel worthy on dating apps. As our past guest, Veronica Grant, who organized this Love Pod Tour says: There’s so much advice out there about “loving yourself first” in order to attract love. While that kind of advice is rooted in truth, it’s vague and ultimately unhelpful.” And we want to drill down to specific advice that you can put into action to shift how you feel about yourself and your prospects on love.
As an online dating coach of over 15 years, I feel like it’s important to speak to dating up frustration, dating app burnout, and the patterns we have on dating apps that ultimately make us feel worse than if we had never swiped at all
I’ve seen the effect of ghosting and rejection on the apps affect my client’s feelings of worthiness so today I want to talk to you about how to make the apps work for you and go into online dating with the mindset that will attract what you’re looking for rather than leaving you defeated
In today’s mini-masterclass, I explain:
I can’t wait for you to hear this masterclass because you are worthy of love and I can’t wait to help you on your journey!
Top Single Cities & Mind-Body Connection
YOUR MIND-BODY CONNECTION PLAYS A BIG PART IN YOUR JOURNEY FOR LOVE
You’ve heard me say that initial attraction and chemistry are not indicators of long-term compatibility and that true chemistry will build over time. Today we’re talking about how to build that authentic connection in this fast-paced world with Tziporah Kingsbury.
She’s a Somatic Intimacy and Human Connection Specialist, author, and breathwork trainer. Trust me, this interview changed the way that I think about mind-body connection and I hope you learn something, too. But first, as always, we have headlines:
DATING DISH (1:26)
(1:26) Singles on the East Coast have it pretty good.
A new study from ApartmentList.com examined Bumble data from 100 US cities to determine the Best Cities for Singles in 2021. They weighed four key factors — dating satisfaction, social satisfaction, dating affordability, and percentage of singles.
Coming in at number one was Washington DC – with nearly half the city being single – and ranked second was Boston. College towns were also ranked higher for dating, due to the higher than average numbers of marriage-minded singles who stick around town after graduation.
Hot tip from me to you: Regardless of where your city has ranked on this list, it’s all about using the information you have about your city and harnessing the right tools in your dating plan. You can find love anywhere.
(4:18) Can’t stop oversharing on first dates and then worrying that you overshared?
Don’t worry. According to the New York Times, you are not alone. We tend to overshare when our brain is working overtime to handle emotional strain. If you are managing stress, exhaustion, or nerves, you might find yourself sharing more with an acquaintance than you normally would.
When you spend all your mental resources managing one thing, you are left with less willpower to manage what you say. The perfect storm for one complicated first date, amiright?
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Fear not! We can avoid these situations by practicing self-control. Here are some tips from NYT and me:
TRUST ME, YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG (10:00)
I sit down with Tziporah Kingsbury, somatic intimacy specialist and author of Revolutionizing Intimacy: Navigating Connection in a Disconnected World. You’ve seen her work on The Bachelor where she teaches her clients how to dig deep in their mind-body connection and to use their body intelligence for love.
Today she’s going to explain how your body seeks connection and how breathwork can help you on your journey to find your soulmate.
(10:58) What is a Somatic Intimacy Specialist?: If therapy is about the mind reacting to our environment, somatic therapy is working with how the body reacts to our environment. According to Tziporah, we hold our history in our body. So how do we become more aware of what we’re storing? That’s where somatic therapy comes in. Tziporah’s big piece of advice is to slow down – when we can slow down enough to be in touch with our physiological responses in the body, we can more clearly identify what’s being stored and where.
(13:19) How to clear the tension we’re holding in our bodies: When we feel tension in our bodies that may be holding us back, we can always realign ourselves by going back to the breath, found in what Tziporah calls our “energy chi.” We can
(17:54) Creating intimacy without oversharing: The pace of dating has become much quicker these days, which makes authenticity a lot harder to cultivate. So how do we check ourselves to make sure that we are coming from a place of vulnerability and not emotionally dumping? Well vulnerability isn’t about opening the floodgates as quickly as possible – vulnerability is about being authentic, and authenticity is how we become closer to the people that we’re with. So if you’re on a date and you’re extremely nervous, express that to the other person! Tziporah also advises us to do the work to be grounded in who you are, so you don’t need to put your needs on somebody else. That way, instead of asking “do I trust the other person enough to be open with them,” we are asking if we trust ourselves enough to open up.
(23:34) Finding the “yes”: We have so much attachment to the word “no” as rejection, but Tziporah encourages us to use “no” as an opportunity to discover more possibilities of intimacy. A “no” creates a “yes” to something else, and it’s up to us to find what that is. For instance, if you tell your partner “I don’t want to have sex today,” you can both then ask, “what can we do to feel good today?” Hiking, cuddling, drawing together – so many possibilities reveal themselves when you look. And remember, someone’s “no” has nothing to do with you.
(29:29) How do we breathe, anyway?: Tziporah describes that each one of us has a conditioned breath pattern, cultivated in our body based on our life stories. So for us to get back in touch with ourselves, we have to bring the breath back to how it was when we were born – extremely open, effortless, and uncontrolled. We can do this by sitting on a chair with our back supported, placing our palms firmly on the lowest part of the belly, and taking deep, flowing breaths through the mouth. When we let go of controlling the breath, not only does our nervous system feel safer since we are more grounded in our body, but we are able to breathe through whatever pain we are holding. Because “the only reason we control our breath is not to feel.”
Check out Tziporah’s free gift for Dates & Mates listeners, a chart for emotional literacy and you can join her FB Group here.
DEAR DAMONA (35:57)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Marriage Ain’t For Punks & Relationship Minimalism
WHY YOU HAVEN’T FOUND “THE ONE”
Today’s episode is for anyone who has ever felt burned out by swipe culture…
Anyone who thinks that the one may have gotten away…
Anyone who strives to be the best partner they can be in a relationship…
You’re in for a treat because our guest today is the one and only Pastor Calvin Roberson.
You probably know him as Pastor Cal, the marriage expert on LifeTime’s hit TV show Married At First Sight. He’s also now the author of the new book Marriage Ain’t For Punks. He’s going to talk to us about how to get out of the swipe momentum and find a relationship you actually want to stick with and work on.
DATING DISH (2:08)
The Definitive Guide to Digitally Ditching Your Ex
Now that technology is irrevocably intertwined with your day to day, you can’t ignore the fact that your ex could have access to you digitally. No fear! Metro UK has published some tips on the matter:
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Relationship Minimalism: Is it for you?
Relationship Minimalism: cutting down on relationships that don’t serve you in order to avoid unnecessary emotional engagement with the world around you. Do you have any relationships – romantic or otherwise – that cause emotional clutter? Damona breaks down this movement and how to determine if Relationship Minimalism is for you according to an article published in The Guardian.
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MARRIAGE AIN’T FOR PUNKS (10:46)
Damona interviews Pastor Calvin Roberson from Lifetime’s hit show Married At First Sight.
He’s been a marriage counselor for over 20 years and now he’s the author of his first book, Marriage Ain’t For Punks. And we ain’t punks – so obviously, we need all his secrets to find a forever relationship:
How to find marriage material
When to know if a relationship is worth your time
Do people even take commitment seriously anymore?
And so much more!
Here’s a sneak peek published on Damona’s Instagram:
You can find more of Pastor Cal on Instagram @iamcalvinroberson and make sure to pick up your copy of Marriage Ain’t For Punks!
DEAR DAMONA (32:34)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
So Relatable & Your Best Dating App
ARE YOU TALKING TO THE RIGHT PEOPLE THE RIGHT WAY?
At this point in the pandemic, Let’s admit that some of us have kind of forgotten our social skills and need a little practice. It’s not just you, it’s everyone, I feel it, too.
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That’s why we brought in a friend of the show, Rachel DeAlto, to teach us how to relate and be relatable again. Not only is she Match’s Chief Dating Expert, she’s also the author of a brand new book called “Relatable: How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere Even If It Scares You.” So she knows her stuff.
But first, Damona gives a Mini Master Class *Snack* on how to pick the best dating app for you, based on the category of each app and the types of people that use them.
DAMONA’S DATING ACCELERATOR
This episode is brought to you by Damona’s Dating Accelerator Program. The new and improved 10-week version of her most popular group coaching program is launching at the end of the month! If you are ready to level up your love life, you could be the perfect fit for the Dating Accelerator Group Program.
Check it out at damonahoffman.com/group
MINI MASTERCLASS *SNACK* (2:08)
“Damona, what’s the best dating app?”
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Damona’s here with all the answers. Instead of headlines, this week Damona swoops in with a bird’s eye view of the various dating app types so that you can figure out which ones will work best for you.
STRATEGY:
Damona says that right now, the strategy that works best for her clients is a process she calls Cycling. With cycling, you start out on one app and one app only for 4 to 6 weeks. You swipe, chat, and date on that app until you start to feel a lull in momentum and then you cycle to another app for 4 to 6 weeks. Then it’s back to app A where you can see fresh matches again.
But which app should you start with? Well that depends. Here’s an outline of the 4 types of apps, the people that like them, and the common traps of each one.
(3:02) Traditional – like Match, Plenty of Fish, or OkCupid
These are traditional dating sites and apps that provide a lot of opportunities and give you a chance to try out a bunch of different matches. Everything is on the menu! However, they do require a clear process and strategy to filter out the desired matches out of thousands of possibilities.
Type of Dater: You like options. You need a dating app that has tons of possibilities and different ways to search through your options.
(3:28) Swipe App – such as Bumble and Tinder.
These are excellent for busy singles, who are newer to dating, and want to get started fast with a wide range of options. Not sure what’s on the menu? Everything! The downside is it’s hard to find the right committed match because the profiles don’t give you a lot of information about the person on the other side. You can get stuck in the texting trap or in the messaging phase, and you need a clear strategy for navigating from the app into the real world before they ghost.
Type of Dater: You are looking for a wide range of options and easy connections.
(4:04) Niche – JDate, Christian Mingle, and Farmers Only.
If you know that there is a particular quality, interest, or cultural element that is of the utmost importance to you, this kind of app provides you with matches that meet your criteria. Unfortunately, apps like these have smaller dating pools. It can often feel like nothing is happening if you don’t know how to search your options and pick the right matches.
Type of Dater: You are focused on finding a partner who shares your values and interests. Apps with too many unqualified options feel like a waste of time to you. If it’s a specific quality you’re looking for in a partner, there’s a high chance you can find an app for it.
(4:38) Curated – eHarmony and Coffee Meets Bagel.
These apps are excellent for people who are discerning or choosy, but don’t have time to do the filtering themselves. While tedious filtering is taken off your plate, it can sometimes feel like you don’t have enough options or much control. These apps are slow paced and you need some clear direction if you’re going to get your match off the app and on to the next phase of dating.
Type of Dater: You don’t want to waste your time searching and swiping, you like a curated dating app that will deliver the right matches directly to your inbox.
RELATE AND BE RELATABLE (10:46)
Rachel DeAlto and Damona get into the nitty-gritty of interacting with human beings face to face once again.
(11:40) The formula for being relatable: It’s all based on 3 categories, what she calls CCI (apparently pronounced “kuh-kai”) – Connection, Communication, and Inspiration.
(13:48) Connect: The first step in tapping into your own relatability is to practice authentic connection. So getting to the meat of authentic connection means daring to take off all the masks we wear in our day-to-day, releasing the idea of perfection and the thought that we have to show up a certain way to be liked or loved. Think about it this way – if you show up to a date and all you’re focused on is making sure the other person likes you, you’re probably not showing up as your truest self. How can anyone truly like or love you if you don’t let them know you? When we engage in authentic connection, we allow people to understand us. And from there we are able to form more honest and long-lasting connections.
(20:14) Communicate: Rachel focuses on the energetic elements of communication – presence and curiosity. The most effective way to have conversations with others is to maintain curiosity about the other person. This is very different from active listening, because it’s one thing to just sit and listen. When we’re curious, we end up engaging in more active conversations. The more you can get someone talking in a conversation, the more they will be enamored with you because you’re not only listening, but you’re interested.
(23:10) Inspiration: To be relatable, you have to be inspirational. In other words, there has to be an inspiration behind who you are and what you do. Rachel encourages finding your “then what” – you want a relationship, but then what? You want all these followers, and then what? What is the purpose behind what you want? When we have that specific guiding light that is coming from within, it attracts others to us and makes what we do more intentional.
(30:29) How and why do mantras work?: We all have the power to change our thinking. Why? Neuroplasticity – basically our brain is play-doh, and with the right tools we have the ability to move that play-doh around in whatever way works for us. Rachel says that as you direct your brain to think certain thoughts, you can start to move towards those thoughts – which means you can be the one to help yourself show up.
Get your copy of Rachel’s new book “Relatable: How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere Even If It Scares You.” here!
DEAR DAMONA (32:34)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Emotional Intimacy & Teleport Dating
HAPPY SEXUAL HEALTH MONTH LOVERS!
Ignore all of those flashbacks to your middle school sex ed – we know you are all grown adults so this episode is not going to be like that at all (even though you should definitley do your research and make sure you’re keeping yourself safe, healthy and satisfied.. no glove, no love and all that jazz.)
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Today we are going to talk about another important issue regarding your sexual health: how to feel more emotionally satisfied, figure out what you’re looking for in a partner, and ask for what you need. Like literally, we will cover the words you need to say to ask for consent or tell someone when something is good or not so good for you.
Damona welcomes Shelby Sells, certified love, sex, and life coach, whose mission is to unpack your emotions and learn the tools for healthy relationships. She’s collaborating with THE Ashley Madison on a cool new campaign called Sexual Health is Wealth (and she has a wealth of sexual health knowledge to share).
DAMONA’S DATING ACCELERATOR
This episode is brought to you by Damona’s Dating Accelerator Program. The new and improved 10-week version of her most popular group coaching program is launching in September! If you are ready to level up your love life, you could be the perfect fit for the Dating Accelerator Group Program.
Check it out at damonahoffman.com/group
DATING DISH (2:46)
(2:46) Are video dates the end of “swipe culture”?
A new dating app called Teleport is creating a new way to date besides swiping – the app offers users five minute invite-only “microdates” with people who share common interests, passions, or beliefs.
Damona maintains that there are pros and cons to dating apps like this. While video dates are a great way to screen your matches and test your chemistry before meeting in person, it may be harder to put your best foot forward in only 5 minutes. Plus, we all look different in real life versus over video chat! But bright side – apps like this can help us become more conscious about dating online.
(7:34) Channing Tatum is feeling SOMETHING for Zoey Kravitz.
So Channing and Zoey were recently seen in Williamson, Brooklyn together getting coffee and riding bikes. But more importantly, fans pointed out that Channing started following several Zoey Kravitz fan accounts on instagram (tea). Even though I think we all love this pairing, this is a great reminder for us all to be aware of what’s visible to other people (or potential dates) on the internet. I’m talking facebook likes, instagram followers, retweets and likes on twitter – go back through all of these when you get a chance, and make sure they still represent the person you are today.
SHELBY SELLS (15:40)
Shelby Sells is a certified love, sex, and life coach based in New York City. Her work is centered around unpacking emotions and relearning tools for successful relationships. Shelby’s mission is to empower authentic intimate connection by holding space for people to explore their sexuality with open hearts and minds.
(17:12) Sextimacy: What is it and what does it look like? Shelby says sextimacy is “the effort to find emotional intimacy through sex.” Of course, we don’t always need our hookups to be backed by emotional intimacy. But if you aren’t sure, some of the signs of a lack of emotional intimacy include little or no direct communication with your partner (expressing your needs and desires). Another is to look for what makes up most of your relationship – are you mostly talking about sex, or do your conversations have more emotional weight to them? This will be a tell.
(22:03) How do we share our boundaries, wants and needs with a new partner?: Let’s get one thing clear – consent is SEXY! When someone respects the boundaries you’ve communicated to them, this makes space for you to feel more playful and safe with your partner (and vice versa). Don’t be afraid to be blunt with your partner about what you want. Also don’t be afraid to check in with your partner in the middle of being physical – this lets your partner know that you’re present in the moment. And lastly, if you’re confused about your partner’s boundaries, ask for clarity.
(27:38) Sexual Health is Wealth: Ashley Madison has taken big strides in providing stats that help us close the pleasure gap on women’s sexuality. One study says 59% of women rarely or never receive oral sex from their partner, and another says 64% of women feel neglected in their marriage. So what can we do to keep a physical relationship alive and exciting? Frequently check in with your partner about what’s been feeling good when you’re intimate, maybe explore sharing new fantasies or positions you want to try together. Try to focus on what you’re partner is doing right and communicate this to them, or talk about how you both could make it better. And if this feels scary, Shelby shares that the more you communicate, the easier it becomes.
(36:07) Being open about STI’s: STI’s can be an awkward thing to talk about with a potential partner. Shelby shares that picking partners that you feel safe enough to communicate with will only lead to better sexual health, since awkwardness won’t be part of the equation. Try to come from a place of open-mindedness, empathy and compassion. But it’s up to you when you want to disclose that information – regardless, it should still be a conversation
Check out Shelby’s campaign with Ashley Madison at https://www.sexualhealthiswealth.com/
DEAR DAMONA (47:18)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Offline Dating & Adults Date Better
DO YOU HAVE A CHANCE OF FINDING LOVE OFFLINE?
Today we’re addressing one of the most common questions from people who are frustrated with dating apps – how can you meet someone offline today?
Yes, it’s still possible.
Camille Virginia, author of The OFFline Dating Method: 3 Steps to Attract Your Perfect Partner in the Real World, joins Damona to an overview of her method.
But first, have you heard about Damona’s new Coaching Program?
THE DATING ACCELERATOR
Today, Damona launches the new and improved 10-week version of my most popular group coaching program. If you are ready to level up your love life, you could be the perfect fit for the Dating Accelerator Program. You can find out more about The Dating Accelerator at damonahoffman.com/group
If you are a single person who:
OR feel that in the next 3-6 months finding a relationship is or will be the #1 or #2 priority for you
Then you are invited to accelerate your love life to get to that point.
Early bird enrollment at a deeply discounted special rate is available until August 31st only at DamonaHoffman.com/group
DATING DISH (2:05)
One quality that makes you SUPER SEXY
A new study published in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences points out that those who are more willing to try new foods increases one’s sexual desirability.
Survey responses show that people who have an adventurous palate are perceived as:
But although being adventurous around food gets you dating props, participants did not have the same reaction to those who were willing to try other new things like books and music. Food for thought.
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Here’s Damona’s takeaway: Does “willingness to try new foods” seem like a must-have quality to you? Because it may just be one of many micro-choices actually blocking you from finding love.
How clear are you on your goals, values, and choices? And how clear are you on which qualities matter in your ideal partner?
Damona always starts her Dating Accelerator clients on Mindset.
If you have ultimate clarity from the start of your dating process about what your core needs are in a partner, the dating process is much simpler.
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Will Match put an end to ghosting once and for all?
A new update in the Match dating app will now give nudges to users whenever a chat stalls to either continue the conversation or unmatch from the person. When someone selects unmatch, the app will send a polite message to the other user. Beyond this, Match will also release “Matched By Us,” a once-a-week match where both users can see each other and don’t need to await mutual “likes.”
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CAMILLE VIRGINIA (12:48)
Camille Virginia is an award-winning writer, founder of Master Offline Dating, and author of the best-selling book The Offline Dating Method – her 3-step process to help singles ditch the dating apps and attract a great partner in the real world. After overcoming her own social anxiety, Camille is now dedicated to helping others create a less lonely, more meaningful life. She has subscribers from over 100 countries and has been featured in major media outlets including The Atlantic, the BBC, and USA Today. She’s here to share her secrets on Dates and Mates today!
(14:01) Camille’s backstory, being an introvert and loving connection: Camille talks about how she fell into her dating career, and how she overcame her introverted nature through her love of connecting with people.
(19:21) What is magnetic approachability?: Camille talks about the first step in her Offline Dating Method – cultivating approachability. As she defines it, approachability is being comfortable in your own skin; because when we are comfortable with ourselves, we make other people feel comfortable to approach us.
(23:57) Creating effortless engagement: How do we make connecting with others more effortless and less stressful for ourselves? When we let go of expecting any specific outcome, we are able to ask more genuine questions that we actually want to know the answers to. Keep conversations casual and contextual. And think about how you can trade stories with someone, not just answers.
(35:00) How do we navigate feeling confident and connecting with others IRL?: We all have an innate need for human connection, so define what feels comfortable for you and explore the balance between online and in-person interaction. And once you figure out what your comfort zone is, push it a little bit and prove your fear wrong.
Preorder Camille’s book here!
DEAR DAMONA (45:02)
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