The Blog - Page 24 of 43 - Damona Hoffman

Drew’s Love Bug: Settling Down

Damona is back for Drew’s Love Bug!

She explains to Drew and single daters why some people often match online with other singles who aren’t interested in serious relationships.

PLUS, Damona shares what you can do to fix it. Check it out:

Drew’s Love Bug: Decoding Dating Apps

In this segment on The Drew Barrymore Show, Damona addresses the dating app worries of three women looking for love. Here’s a sneak peek:

🤔 Should I play it cool with my dates even though I want something serious?

🤔 If I’m the woman, how aggressively should I be in pursuing my dates?

🤔 I like to do an in-depth search on the people I date – should I dial it back? How much is too much?

Curious to hear Damona’s answers? Check out the full segment below…

Drew’s Love Bug: Dating Advice for Singles in Need

Damona answers burning questions from singles calling into The Drew Barrymore Show, including:

✨ How do I move forward with initiating the first call or virtual date without making it weird?

✨ How can I get back into the dating game after a recent heartbreak or rejection?

Curious to hear Damona’s answers? Check out the full segment below…

Financial Intimacy & Reset Relationships

Successful relationships thrive on compatibility, vulnerability and intimacy. But, talking to your partner about your finances can be downright scary.

Don’t worry. Financial therapist Amanda Clayman is here to put your fears to rest. She’ll illuminate how money fears show up in dating and relationships and give us the tools to have a healthier outlook on finances for ourselves and our partners.

DATING DISH (1:30)

(1:30) Feel like something is missing? Maybe it’s time for a “reset relationship”:

Stylist magazine suggests that a “reset relationship” could help you rediscover the spark you’ve been missing. According to the article, it turns out that a lot of us want to make what they call big life changes, such as quitting a job and ending a relationship. In fact, a new study from Bumble and Plenty of Fish said that almost half of single people are craving a reset in their dating life, and 72% desire for life to change significantly rather than go back to how it was before COVID 19.

So what is a relationship reset? Basically, It’s a relationship that is all about serving your own need to refresh your life and get yourself out of a funk. It’s not that different from a rebound relationship (except in this case, you’re rebounding from this pandemic). But Stylist mentions how reset relationships aren’t only a pandemic phenomenon – rather that they actually can happen at any time in your life when you feel stuck.

If you’re thinking about diving into a reset relationship of your own, Damona suggests that you don’t look at it as a temporary thing. Look at it as a mindset shift that is potentially going to change the entire trajectory of your life. Now, don’t get panicked. This sounds like a lot, but you can make these changes in small incremental steps. For instance, try opening up your search preferences in your dating app to include qualities you hadn’t thought about before. After all, to go someplace mentally that we’ve never been, we have to do something we’ve never done (or date someone we never thought we’d be open to).

Another way you can prep for your reset relationship is to question the rules and requirements you’ve made for the people you’re dating. Who wrote these rules? Did you write these rules? Did society write these rules? Do these rules still apply to you? Really focus on your must haves and deal breakers, and look at them through the lens of your future. Because maybe if you explored a little bit more, that reset in your dating life could lead to a tremendous reset in the way that you live the rest of your life.

Are you looking for your reset relationship? Then maybe you need the Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily, and moving forward in your dating success story.

Download yours for free here.

AMANDA CLAYMAN (9:09)

Damona is so excited to welcome financial therapist Amanda Clayman! Amanda specializes in the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral aspects of our financial well-being (hence, financial therapist).

She is the host of the recurring Death, Sex & Money podcast series Financial Therapy with Amanda Clayman, and authored several financial wellness courses for LinkedIn Learning. Amanda’s advice has been featured in CNBC, Fox News, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, REAL SIMPLE, Forbes, and more.

Amanda’s passion for financial wellness began with a dramatic styling mishap, which she will share with Dates & Mates listeners today.

(11:00) Universal financial red flags:

Damona mentions how she’s received the question from a client, if she should date someone with significant debt. Amanda brings up the idea that for some people, if a potential partner does have debt, that makes them feel incredibly vulnerable about their own security – “and anything that makes us feel vulnerable is obviously our business and something that we can set boundaries around.” Although Amanda declares having significant debt isn’t universally a red flag on its own, it might be a red flag or deal breaker for some based on their own relationship with financial vulnerability.

Damona inquires if there are any universal red flags, and Amanda responds: “When I think about red flags, I think about them more in terms of process… like if a person is really secretive and they won’t disclose things even when you ask them to, that’s a red flag for me. Because that shows me something about how that person is going to be open to the kind of partnership that I have in mind for my potential mate.” Amanda also adds how someone who won’t engage with you and discuss both your needs and wants around money is definitely a red flag – communication is key.

(13:13) What does it mean when you’re withholding spending money?:

Damona brings up a story about a friend of hers who grew up with money and a stable job, but weirdly enough was always so insecure about her spending. Damona continues to ask, what does it signify to have extreme frugality with money? “So I love in the example with your friend, the characterization [you used] was that something was outside of her comfort zone, or that everything it seemed like was outside of her comfort zone. And so she was bringing in this kind of anxious intensity to what maybe should have been a simpler choice… And absolutely, this is where our inner set of experiences and sort of strategies that make sense to us [come into play], where sometimes it feels like our insides are not quite matching the outside.”

Amanda uses the quality of frugality as a specific example. She describes how we can differentiate between frugality being a strategy (i.e. being really careful with your means and your resources and a way of paying extra close attention), or we can think of frugality as a rigid behavior (i.e. where the caution is not matching the circumstances). But for the person inside of the behavior, frugality may have a totally other purpose. For example, Amanda describes how people who foster a high degree of control in their financial lives do so because they think control is the antidote (most likely for anxiety). So if someone has significant anxiety, then exerting control in their finances is sort of a continuous loop in that person’s mind – and that’s being expressed in their relationship with money.

(15:46) Self-indulgence & money:

Have you ever experienced guilt over treating yourself to something you knew you didn’t need? Or tried to buy something self-care oriented, only to counterintuitively feel like you were indulging yourself? Amanda addresses this anxiety – “What I would like to say to everyone is that we all have money ‘stuff’. So I think stepping back and being like, this is all very personal, how do I want money to work for me? Take the decision making into a clear and neutral place.”

When Amanda says ‘neutral place,’ she is speaking to the way we direct our money outside of those times when old stories and old obstacles jump up in the way, and tell us that we can’t or we’re bad or we’re not worth it. Taking your relationship with your finances to a neutral place, if only for a few moments, is where you can engage more neutrally with the tool properties of money, such as organization, allocation and negotiation. “We can focus on those aspects to try to program self-care into our budget. We experience ourselves as being able to use money effectively, to nurture, grow, take care of ourselves.”

(17:15) The $19,000 Haircut:

Amanda’s journey to financial wellness all started with what she poeticizes as a $19,000 haircut. “I took on a lot of my parents’ anxiety about money without knowing it, since my parents had experienced real deprivation in their childhoods… And when they came into adulthood, they always felt like the wolf was at the door…And I didn’t have the ability to know if that was true or not true in terms of danger… But when I got to be a grown up, I noticed that I had a really hard time paying attention to money, that anytime I was trying to look at my cash flow, look at my expenses, even to make a deliberate decision about money, I just couldn’t do it. I would get so triggered by it.”

Amanda persists that because of her financial triggers, she became increasingly impulsive with her spending habits – doing a lot of emotional spending, bouncing checks just to get by, and later moving to New York with nothing in the bank. She says everything came to a head when she asked her mom to give her a (what turned out to be terrible) haircut, because she had bounced a check at her hairdresser and couldn’t go back.

Damona clarifies, “and you were at that point $19,000 in debt, yes? All of those checks that you were writing finally caught up to you.” Amanda responds, “I look at myself, like who is that person who just moved from Michigan to New York, like it’ll all work out? And the fact is, it did. Financial problems and consequences can be very, very real. But where we can, I think that we should appreciate that there’s a lot of on the job learning when it comes to money.”

(24:35) The Pillars of Financial Intimacy:

Amanda often speaks to the idea of ‘financial intimacy’ and the Five Pillars that help foster financial intimacy in a relationship. She gives us a rundown of each quality below:

Equality. “Meaning that both partners have equal decision making power.”
Inclusivity. “That means that both partners have to show up to this process, there’s no opting out by one person, there’s no pushing out by the other person.”
Transparency. “This is how we make sure that both partners have access to the information that they need. And it doesn’t mean that we can’t negotiate areas for privacy, but even those areas of privacy still have boundaries. Like we might say, both partners have to agree not to open new accounts without talking to the other person, or any expenditure above a certain point is going to get discussed.”
Flexibility. “Flexibility means that we allow ourselves to change, we allow our decisions to evolve that a level of sort of exposure and vulnerability that may not feel right for you at one period in the relationship, may become more right for you as time goes on… The point is, we can change all of these things, there’s no right or wrong thing that we have to stick to.”
Sustainability. “Sustainability is like, it just has to work enough for both of you. Like if one person is feeling like everything is wonderful, and the other partner is like, ‘I cannot stand to live under this tyranny’. Your money may look okay, but trust me – that is showing up somewhere else in the relationship.”

Connect with Amanda on IG @amandaclayman, or visit her website to learn more about private coaching and courses.

DEAR DAMONA (31:45)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

VIP Question from D – What are the rules of thumb for continuing a conversation after the person takes a long time to respond back? For example, I finally got a response to a basic message that I sent this past June. Should I respond right away or should I wait a few days? I’ve also had people respond back recently after I sent an initial message… in 2019. I’ve also had a person respond to my initial message, then ghost me for about a year, start talking again and then ghost me again. Any suggestions?

DAMONA’S DEALS

Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
Click here to try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit!

Rom-Com Romance & 15th Anniversary

Welcome to another hot, romantic episode of Dates & Mates! Did you know that April is Couple’s Appreciation Month? It’s great timing for this episode because this week is Damona’s 15th wedding anniversary!

Which begs the question: what is the secret to a long lasting relationship?

Damona says that for her and her husband Seth, it’s growth – looking at your partner as a mirror who can illuminate your flaws and celebrate your gifts and using that to grow into the best version of yourself.

Okay, that was sappy. Let’s change gears and get silly with the hosts of The Rom-Com Room Podcast, Kendra Okereke and Mercedes Gonzales-Bazan! They’re here to dissect the rom-com genre, how it affects dating and relationships, and what we can take away from our favorite movies.

DATING DISH (2:30)

(2:30) How to use constructive feedback in your relationship to your advantage:

A recent article from The Conversation has shed some new light on the importance of giving feedback to others. The article centers around a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The study looked at a broad range of scenarios and how willing people were to give feedback within them. In one (very telling) part of the study, less than 3% of people were willing to share with one of the researchers that they had a smudge on their face. The researchers hypothesized from this instance that we are reluctant to give feedback potentially because we don’t realize how valuable the feedback is to the person receiving it.

Researchers looked at another scenario that involved pairs of friends, roommates or romantic partners providing genuine feedback. While less than half of the feedback givers wanted to provide feedback when given a choice, 86% of the participants wanted to receive the feedback.

Damona points out how we can use our relationships, both romantic and otherwise, as learning tools and as safe spaces to practice some of these really important interpersonal communication techniques. And more importantly, she says to take the opportunity to give feedback to your partner in ways in which it will impact your own satisfaction in the relationship.

This complimentary article from The Center for Mental Wellness spills tips on how to give constructive feedback to your partner (criticism got canceled in 2019, so let’s stick with feedback):

Talk about behavior, not personality.
Focus on how the behavior affects you – use “I” language.
Be specific – tell your partner exactly what you’re upset about.
Stick to the present – don’t bring up the past.
Consider: “Am I the problem?”
Pick a neutral place and time – don’t bring something up when you’re angry.
Make a habit of giving positive feedback – this will make it easier for your partner to listen when you have a complaint.
Make some ground rules for how to act during conflict – come to the table knowing what to expect from your behavior and the other person’s behavior. Additionally, come to the table with the goal of finding resolution.

THE ROM-COM ROOM FT. MERCEDES AND KENDRA (10:23)

Damona is here with the hosts of The Rom-Com Room Podcast!

Mercedes Gonzales-Bazan is a writer researcher and the co-host of Meet Cute’s The Rom-Com Room. She’s done editorial work for women in Hollywood and the Call Your Girlfriend podcast. Plus, she has a BA in rom-coms and an MA in memes.

Kendra Okereke is a 29 year-old solo traveler from Los Angeles. She is the creator and moderator of the Late Bloomer Support Group, a Facebook group for people who identify as late bloomers in life. And of course, she’s also the co-host of Meet Cute’s The Rom-Com Room.

(11:30) How did this collab come to be?:

Turns out Mercedes and Kendra went through a substantial casting process to end up on The Rom-Com Room together. After several rounds of chemistry reads with other co-host candidates, Mercedes and Kendra were selected. Their chemistry was undeniable! (Funny enough, they’ve actually never met in person.)

Damona asks the co-hosts when their passion for rom-coms started to blossom. Kendra starts, “I am the biggest hopeless romantic. All of those cheesy moments in rom-coms, that’s what I live for… I also identify as a late bloomer, so I’m a person who’s older who just has little to no romantic experiences… I really do believe in true love. I believe in soulmates, I believe that there is one person out there for everyone. And I love that rom coms just kind of let me live that out.”

And the origin of Mercedes’ love for rom-coms? “My love of rom-coms started with my mom, so it has that nostalgia factor. For me, this is what we watched growing up. I also have a background in Media Studies, and specifically pop culture. So I really loved watching rom-coms as kind of a cultural artifact to look at different eras of history, and how there are different expectations set up for couples… I also love just seeing joy at the end of the film. So many dramas have harm-based stories for women, so I like seeing stuff that’s really focused on women and celebrates them.”

(15:48) “Love is not designed for the cynical”:

Damona comments how as a dating coach, she is often asked how romantic comedies affect her business. Although rom-coms do give people hope, Damona ponders how they can simultaneously set up grandiose relationship expectations.

Kendra responds with her belief that “love is the one thing in life that you have to be 100% optimistic and hopeful in for it to happen. One of my favorite musical artists is Dermot Kennedy, and he has this line in this song that says ‘love is not designed for the cynical.’ And it’s so true. Like, in order for love to come in, you have to be open to it… I feel like if you are cynical, and you’re always out here thinking of the negative, that’s what you’re going to attract… And so I feel like with rom-coms, for me specifically as a hopeless romantic, they inspire me in a way. They keep that hope alive.”

Damona adds to Kendra’s idea of faith in love, remembering that when she first met her husband, she had no idea that someone like Seth could even be out there.

Mercedes says that a lot of the criticism around rom-coms has to do with their being a specific formula to them, always making them predictable. “But that’s the challenge, right? Like they’re convincing you that this [story is] compelling anyway, and they’re making it interesting despite you knowing what’s going to happen. And that’s also like, the fun of dating, getting to know someone and going through the process. That’s the exciting part, like, okay, what’s gonna be different about this time.”

(18:43) My Best Friend’s Wedding:

I think we’re all wondering… as a self-identified rom-com cynic, what is Damona’s favorite romantic comedy? Damona’s pick is the 1997 film My Best Friend’s Wedding, with rom-com darling Julia Roberts. She notes how it’s kind of an anti rom-com. Spoiler alert: “She doesn’t get the guy, but she’s not supposed to get the guy and I kind of love that. She goes through the experience and then realizes she’s okay even in spite of that outcome, right? It’s like the feminist rom-com.”

Using her BA in pop culture, Mercedes reevaluates the meaning of the film. “It’s so great because it’s this love story of two cowards who won’t admit it to each other. And if they don’t have that communication, of course it’s not gonna work. Neither of them are brave enough to [express their feelings for each other], so obviously he’s going with someone that’s easier in that realm per se.”

(20:44) The elements of a great wedding:

Recounting her own wedding highlights, Damona asks Kendra and Mercedes what they think are the most important elements of a great wedding. Kendra kicks it off – number one, music! Be sure to have a good DJ with a solid playlist, and include a mix of all-around favorites like “Cha Cha Slide,” plus some nice slow-dance jams. Number two, food. There is something about having really good food at your wedding that will make everyone remember the occasion. Mercedes adds that most people only envision elements of their wedding as being for themselves – but a big part of a wedding is creating a good time for all the attendees, as well.

(23:30) Fav wedding rom-coms:

In honor of Damona’s upcoming anniversary, she asks The Rom-Com Room co-hosts about their favorite wedding-themed movies. Being a Justin Long superfan, Kendra gives a shoutout to the 2017 indie rom-com Literally Right Before Aaron. Justin Long’s character attends his ex-girlfriend’s wedding, and spends the entirety of the event trying to convince himself and everyone else that he is truly happy for her.

Mercedes jumps in with a cult classic. “To me, I can’t think about wedding movies without My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I think it goes under the radar a lot. And when it comes to big ethnic families, it’s so relatable… And the fact that he doesn’t shy away from her family either, like it’s not a deterrent. He’s there for the long haul. And that’s so appreciative to me, just because I’m so close to my family.”

Damona ends with a controversial take – “I’m not a rom-com girl. But I will say… I have a really love-hate relationship with 500 Days of Summer. I actually went to school with Zooey Deschanel, but I frickin’ hated her character! Because I thought, she’s the villain.” Kendra strongly agrees, and comes in with receipts. “If you set boundaries, that’s one thing. But you cannot set boundaries, and then keep pushing those boundaries and expect the person to still respect the boundaries that you set. Like, it just doesn’t work like that.”

Look out for The Rom-Com Room on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen.

Be sure to follow Kendra and Mercedes on the socials, @ken10hollywood and @merdedesgb11.

DEAR DAMONA (28:32)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from N – I’m a pretty young 52, very active, typically I have dated 15 years younger but I feel it’s time to move on from there. For activity levels, goals, interests and appearance I’m finding women, give or take 10 years younger, are more fit for a companion, but I am finding a lot are not interested in a 50+ male. I see women’s profiles where they say they are younger to get the ideal matches but in their descriptions they reveal their real ages (targeting younger men). What are your thoughts on changing your age on your general profile to attract what you would feel to be a suitable mate. But revealing your actual age in your self description. Side note, typically I have no need or desire to lie about my age IRL. People are often surprised when I reveal I’m 52, but I’m proud of who I am, my accomplishments and my appearance for my age.

DAMONA’S DEALS

Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
Get 10% off BetterHelp at BetterHelp.com/DatesAndMates
Click here to try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit!

Dating Tok & Fashion Therapy

I don’t know about you, but lately it’s been feeling like love is in the air. Spring is here, the flowers are blooming, we’re doing all our spring cleaning… so why not also think of spring cleaning your dating wardrobe?

If you’ve never thought about having a dating wardrobe, you’re in luck. Damona’s guest today, Stephanie-Gisondi Little (also known as the “fashion therapist”) will tell you why it’s so important and how to create one – even if you’re on a budget.

DATING DISH (2:30)

(2:30) Feeling disorganized in your love life?:

We’ve all heard of attachment styles, right? Well Allure Magazine explains in this article how disorganized attachment became the most misunderstood (and forgotten) attachment style. If you’re not familiar with attachment theory, it’s a method of analyzing and understanding how our childhood influences our relationships in adulthood. There are three primary attachment styles that are most often utilized by mental health professionals – secure, anxious and avoidant. And when you don’t fall under any of those categories, that’s where disorganized attachment comes in.

According to professionals in the article, about 20-40% of adults have a disorganized attachment style. It can present itself as fear of abandonment or of getting emotionally close to someone. In extreme cases, it can emerge when a child grows up in an abusive household, which makes sense – you grow up in chaos, so then you bring chaos to your future relationships. Here are some signs that you may have a disorganized attachment style:

Anxiety about abandonment or rejection
Emotional or physical hostility (which shouldn’t be showing up in any relationship)
Constant mistrust in a partner
Someone who goes through intense periods of connection and detachment
Struggling with dysregulation like substance abuse or out of control behaviors
And if you’re dating someone who sounds a little bit like this, it may be difficult to engage with them because their behavior can feel chaotic or unpredictable.

Damona believes that we move through these attachment styles differently in different relationships. Think about it – different people bring out different elements of your personality, and they trigger different things from your past. So it may not just be about being in a relationship with someone who’s securely attached, or moving towards a secure attachment yourself. You can be multiple things at the same time, as long as you are getting the right support from the right people to help you navigate your behaviors.

(7:03) Could an A.I. predict your relationship red flags?:

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have a third POV in our relationships to spot any red flags, before we start to introduce our new partners to friends and family? As it turns out, A.I. (artificial intelligence) technology could be that third POV. This fascinating article in Screenshot Media gives us all the deets on A.I. dating apps. A recent study titled Loving the Age of AI Dating Apps surveyed people on how they would feel about working with an A.I. dating app. Nearly half of the respondents admitted that they would join an advanced A.I. powered dating app if it meant having more chances at finding a long term partner. But when they were asked what they would do if an A.I. dating app did suggest they break up with someone, only 7% said that they would end the relationship immediately.

Damona is a little skeptical that A.I. could predict the end of a relationship, but believes that it could be used to find better matches for the participant overall. Honestly, so many of our behaviors that we think are random, are actually more predictable and pattern-based than we realize. According to the article, the main input that the A.I. would use to determine the success of your relationship, was your in-app user behavior – conversations with matches that had gone silent, changes in conversation based on keywords, and frequency of conversations. And if the A.I. could recognize when you acted in a way that could potentially threaten the relationship, they might be able to tell you in advance.

Now of course, there’s always issues, right? With A.I., it would be difficult to know what information to feed the A.I. from outside the app to get a strong enough understanding of the relationship. So basically, folks, we’re not there yet. But there is even more potential as to how an A.I. could predict your best matches before you have even had a conversation. Using A.I. in dating apps is only a proposal at this point, but I suppose only time will tell which direction dating app technology will be heading in next…

STEPHANIE GISONDI-LITTLE (13:25)

Damona is thrilled to welcome Stephanie Gisondi-Little, the Fashion therapist, to the Dates & Mates family!

Stephanie began her career in the fashion industry working between New York and LA, with top designers like Emanuel Ungaro and Nicole Miller. Her advice has been featured in Marie Claire, In Style, The Hollywood Reporter, and more.

Stephanie also works to style clients and their closets from many different backgrounds, warranting her the title of ‘fashion therapist.’

(14:00) Why are you the ‘fashion therapist’?:

First things first, why does Stephanie call herself a fashion therapist? “I call myself a fashion therapist because having worked in retail wholesale garment industry, and having had my own ecommerce website, I realized that it’s not just about clothes at all right? The clothes are the fun part. But it’s really about how the clothes make you feel. In addition to being a personal stylist, I also work as a wardrobe organizer and closet organizer. And when you see how difficult it is for people to let go of certain things, the reasons why we hang on to them, you start to see that it’s just it really is about so much more than just clothes. And there’s a lot of emotional stuff that goes with just getting dressed.”

Stephanie believes that clothes are a tool to express our core essence, and a great way to start conversations. She also recognizes the stigma around clothes only being about fashion, but there are trends for every body and every budget. “The thing that I realized is that you can either love clothes, or you hate clothes. But in our society, one has to get dressed, right? So the best thing to do is to figure out what works for you.”

(16:55) How to prep for the occasion:

Damona asks Stephanie, when prepping for a date or an event, what are the questions we should be asking ourselves? “I think the first question to ask yourself is, what time is it happening, where is it happening, and how do you want to show up as your favorite self?” And your favorite self for going on a first date may be a different self than the one that gets dressed for a business meeting or a wedding. Stephanie suggests looking into the kind of feeling you want to have. Maybe you want to feel more armored up, so you wear a motorcycle jacket or padded shoulders. Or maybe you want to feel more free and flowey, so you choose to wear that sundress you always get complimented on or a certain kind of fabric. But regardless of how you dress, make sure that your attire is appropriate to the time and location, and that you wear something clean. This is a big one for Stephanie, because even if you don’t have the fanciest outfit, showing up in stainless clothes and looking polished shows that you have respect for yourself, and respect for the person that you’re showing up to meet. That can’t be bad for a first impression, right?

(20:06) Dress how you want to be perceived:

Damona mentions her strong belief in presenting yourself the way that you want to be seen. Particularly in dating profile photos, people are developing an impression of who you are in a split second based on the way that you’re presenting. Stephanie adds, “I take it back to the cave brain, where we are hardwired to be kind of on alert to say ‘are you from my tribe or are you not from my tribe?’ So we are making these instantaneous micro decisions. And for better or worse, they do affect what people think of us.” We don’t have control over a lot of things that happen to us in life. But one of the things we can control, and have a surprisingly large amount of control over, is how we are perceived. “I always say we all have multiple facets to our personalities and thank goodness your wardrobe can and maybe should reflect that.”

In terms of first dates, having a couple of go-to pieces for how you want to make a first impression is a great strategy. “It’s nice to know that you have at least one thing that fits you, feels like you like your current self, and you’re physically comfortable in it. What you don’t want to be doing is sitting around adjusting your bra straps, or thinking ‘my feet are killing me in these shoes’ or ‘this shirt makes me sweat buckets.’ You know, that’s not a cute feeling to be having while you’re trying to make nice conversation and get to know somebody.” Damona adds that so much energy already goes into preparing for dates emotionally and mentally, so having your wardrobe already decided helps to set you up for success even more so.

(24:15) Stay adaptable:

Damona continues with something some people often have a hard time doing, which is staying flexible in your wardrobe – our wardrobes evolve just as we evolve over time. So keeping those pieces of “aspirational clothing” in your closet, i.e. clothes that you keep because one day you’ll be able to fit into them again, actually takes up more mental energy than we realize (not to mention closet space). Stephanie hits Damona with one of her favorite facts – “The average person makes 10,000 micro decisions every day. We’re not thinking about all of them, but we’re doing them. So there is energy that you’re expending before you’re even out the door if you’re looking into a closet that is not seasonally appropriate.”

Stephanie agrees that we all evolve in life, so having a closet that is equally as adaptable matters. “It’s worth populating what you have with one or two fresh things [every so often], even if you have a uniform of a kind that you wear all the time… If you can look around and say, ‘what’s one piece that’s on trend that I think would feel comfortable or look good on me,’ just try something! Whether it’s a brighter color or shoe style or what have you. There’s just so many ways to kind of pop what you already own.”

(27:28) Enclothed cognition:

Stephanie shares with Damona a concept in social psychology called “enclothed cognition,” which essentially states that you become what you wear. “I think we all instinctively know that when we get dressed, we get called for an interview, or a first date, you dress differently. And it makes a huge difference, what you feel once you start to get intentional in thinking about that. Damona remarks that you can also change the way you feel based on what you wear under your clothes, and this may even have a stronger effect since the undergarments you wear would only be for you.

Damona mentions that tailoring is also a tool to help you feel your best in your clothing, and even take a piece that you may have felt frumpy into feeling like a completely different person. Stephanie states, “Totally agree. I think we’re all fed this continual diet of how everything should fit perfectly, and it should just be easy, breezy… And the other thing to bear in mind is that you know one brand’s 8 is another brand’s 10 is another brand’s 12.”

(33:11) Having a dating capsule wardrobe:

If you’ve never heard the term before, a “capsule wardrobe” is a small collection of clothing items designed to be worn together which are synchronized in color and line. The main point of a capsule wardrobe is to be able to have many outfit options without needing an excess of garments. So if you’ve never thought about creating a capsule wardrobe exclusively for dating, this may be a game-changing move for you. Stephanie gives some tips on how to get the most out of your dating collection.

“I recommend getting better quality wherever possible. You can get that more easily these days second hand, in very good condition. And it’s a little easier to source because there are so many great places… But I would rather have fewer pieces of better quality.” She recommends checking out classic pieces such as a well-fitting blazer, black ballet flats, a good white t-shirt, and a good pair of jeans. For men, she even recommends extending your capsule wardrobe by using the jacket from a 2-piece suit as its own blazer. Damona also points out that red is a good color to have somewhere in your capsule wardrobe, because it’s a color that we are biologically predisposed to be attracted to, and it naturally catches our attention.

When creating your wardrobe for dating, also consider adding some conversation pieces. These are useful for dating because not only can they break awkward silences and inspire conversation, they have a story behind them which you can speak with more passion and presence. This can be anything from jewelry, to a bright red lip, or a cool graphic tee. Fun, printed socks or button-downs are also a great way to set the tone that you are playful and don’t take yourself too seriously. And to top it off, Stephanie adds that comfort is key – “You got to be comfortable. I always like to think, do your outsides match your insides? You know, are you dressed in a way that doesn’t really reflect who you are at all? Maybe you’re dressing too conservatively, and that’s not really who you are inside. Or maybe it’s vice versa? But comfort is key. It shouldn’t be that hard to get around in the clothes. I want folks to be comfortable and have a good time and be able to focus on the things that are far more important than just clothes.”

Be sure to follow Stephanie and her company on Instagram at @composed_co.

If you’re interested in learning more about fashion therapy, you can work with Stephanie virtually or in person through her website https://composedco.com/.

DEAR DAMONA (42:20)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from H – Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with the societal pressure to find someone? As a single guy in my mid-twenties, I’ve felt behind in finding a partner. This feeling is amplified whenever I see my friends enter or maintain long term relationships and even get engaged or married. I know that this thought is completely false, and that I can develop a satisfying long-term relationship at any age. I just struggle with feeling like I need to achieve this milestone ASAP.

Email from T – For online dating, do you have any tips to get a guy to ask you questions? When I’m on dating apps, I feel like I’m the person always asking the questions and moving the conversation forward. I would like for the guy to ask me questions too.

DAMONA’S DEALS

Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
Click here to try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit!

Google Sleuthing & Elephant in the Room

From West Elm Caleb to The Tinder Swindler to Kim and Kanye we’ve got digital safety and online etiquette on the brain. Damona mentions one study that predicted that if Cyber Crime continues at its current rate of growth, it’ll cost 10.5 Trillion dollars globally by 2025.

This isn’t to scare you, because a lot of these scams, crimes, and sticky situations can be avoided if you know the signs to look for. So today, Burton Kelso will tell us how to stay protected in our search for love and in our relationships.

DATING DISH (2:33)

(2:33) Is Grimes and Elon Musk’s relationship the wave of the future?:

According to our friends at Metro UK, Grimes and Elon Musk’s fluid relationship is joining the hall of fame for unconventional celebrity romances (including Dolly Parton to Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith).

If you haven’t heard, the couple *secretly* welcomed a baby together in December 2021 via surrogate, even though they had officially separated that September. In a recent interview with Vanity Fair following the announcement of their new child, Grimes then said that they were maybe kind of together, like he was her boyfriend she guesses? But they don’t live together and they don’t follow a traditional relationship model.

Not only is it becoming more and more common for modern-day couples to edge away from stereotypical relationship norms, but it’s also becoming increasingly visible in celebrity relationships as well. Which, all in all, is kind of an awesome thing! If we are able to be more flexible in our expectations of what a healthy relationship looks like, then this widens the bracket for people to feel more content in their own relationships, and not have their happiness be dependent on cultural validation.

So maybe it’s time for us to start looking towards the celebrity couples and role models in our lives that resemble the kind of relationship we want, not the one we think we should have.

(5:55) Vulnerability is the new black: Well it’s official – Pure Wow confirmed in this recent article that vulnerability may be the new foreplay. The article starts with an anecdote from the author who had a very honest groundbreaking conversation with her partner. And through her partner’s vulnerability, she actually found herself feeling connected and… maybe a little turned on?

Award winning somatic sexologist, Jaiya, elaborated on this – she says that vulnerability is a powerful ingredient to creating alignment between two people who wish to get their true desires fulfilled and their needs met. But basically, it’s a way of exposing the most authentic you.

So how do we even open the door to be vulnerable? Well, Jaiya says to gauge your partner’s willingness and responsiveness when you choose to be vulnerable. This will also vary depending on how serious your relationship is. If you’ve just started dating, try to avoid any kind of emotional dumping – give them a little appetizer of the relationship to hang on to and be invested in before you hit him with the hard stuff. Additionally, in the early relationship stages, try to allow a ratio of making sure that you’re both sharing, and then listening to the other. If there’s a reciprocal share, then you know you’re both getting to a place of mutual vulnerability and authenticity.

A lot of times when we go to vulnerability, our instinct can be to fix something. But this article really shows that it’s the act of vulnerability – of just the share – that can be really bonding for two people. Once you get into the relationship, it triggers a whole other series of emotions and levels of connection. And according to another study mentioned in the article, researchers found that oxytocin is released into our bloodstream whenever we experience true and authentic vulnerability (that’s the same chemical that’s essential to arousal). So although it can definitely be scary to be vulnerable, the payoff is evidently greater than we thought.

BURTON KELSO (11:43)

Damona is here with tech expert, TV personality, speaker, and entrepreneur Burton Kelso. Burton is currently the Chief Tech Expert of the award-winning tech service company Integral, based in Kansas City. He is regularly featured on local ABC, NBC, CBS & FOX morning shows, speaking about internet safety.

Burton’s passion is to help people make sense of, and get the most use out of, the digital world they live in.

(13:16) Hit us with some dating safety: It seems like we’re living in a period right now where digital romance scams are on the rise (although part of this may just be Tinder swindler hype). Regardless, it’s never a bad idea to brush up on our online dating safety. Burton says that one of the main improvements in online safety is the existence of live video. In the past, if you wanted to see what someone looked like, you just had to trust that the glamor shot they sent you was actually what they looked like (and maybe there wasn’t as much of an instinct to question that they would be lying).

Nowadays online dating creates “watering holes” for people looking for connection, and so scammers are more likely to be on dating apps because that’s where the bodies are. But Damona confirms that although our access to potential scams has widened, our arsenal of tools to combat scamming has grown even more so, i.e. the ability to Facetime, researching their identity on the internet.

(15:18) Avoid getting socially engineered: Burton gets right down to the facts – he says that if you get into a relationship online, and your partner starts asking you for money or gifts soon after, that’s a red flag (especially large amounts of money upfront). Another red flag is if you read something they’ve texted you, and it seems vague enough that it could have been sent to anyone, there is a likelihood they could have copy-pasted the message to multiple people. Burton adds, “it’s so easy to do this, and they can carry on multiple conversations and have multiple people that they’re grooming at the same time. And technology just makes it so easy. You can do it from a computer, you can do it from a smartphone, so you can be anywhere and just send whatever you want, whenever you want.”

Damona brings up a concept Burton has mentioned before, which is how scammers are able to “socially engineer” their subjects. Basically, social engineering is when a scammer takes a look at a situation or person and finds out what their weak spots are. And with social media allowing us to post our thoughts and emotions online daily, it doesn’t take long for a scammer to figure out what they can say to peak your interest. A common symptom of this is if the person you’re talking to makes you feel extremely special, like you’re the only one for them. Damona concludes that “people like to blame the dating apps, but it’s really the communication and that digital communication. Everybody wanting to move to text, wanting it to be more efficient, that has pushed us in this direction.”

(19:16) What’s up with your digital hygiene?: Let’s clarify – what are the precautions we should be taking online to avoid getting socially engineered by scammers? “The best thing to do is to use common sense and slow your roll, slow down when you’re in these online relationships. Because usually, in about six months, someone’s going to reveal who they are. We can only fake it for so long.” Another red flag Burton has clocked is if someone did not want to meet face to face in a safe location. This is a pretty reasonable request (especially as a woman), so if there is resistance in meeting for the first time in a way that’s comfortable for you, then there’s probably something going on with that person that you don’t need to deal with.

So what information should we avoid putting onto the internet altogether? Damona points out how she never “checks in” on any of the apps (i.e. attaching your location to a post you make, or updating the check-in feature on Facebook). Burton proposes avoiding giving out your real cell phone number when possible, because there is a way that your partner could gain access to your service provider and hack into your voicemail (if they become ambitious enough). Instead, Burton suggests getting a number with WhatsApp or Google Voice to hand out to people that you’re dating. That way if they become a nuisance, you can change your number within the app. Lastly, if you are nervous about your information being too public, go to your Google preferences, and indicate that you don’t want your information shared via Google. Be sure to turn off some of those personal-data sharing features within your Google or Microsoft account.

(26:39) Internet sleuthing 101: Now that we know how to spot scammer red flags, how can we fact-check our suspicions? Burton remarks that Google is a good and very basic place to start if you want to become an internet sleuth. In addition, everyone’s on social media and even more people are on LinkedIn, which often gets lost in the shuffle as a resource. “If someone is employed they’re going to have a LinkedIn profile, because they want to keep their options open. Maybe they’re an entrepreneur and they want to connect with more people. So I definitely would check on both Facebook, and of course, LinkedIn. LinkedIn has got about 850 million users now – they have more users than Tik Tok.” Damona mentions that if they’re not on LinkedIn themselves and they are part of a business or corporation, it’s bound to have a website. Or if they’re on the board of some kind of charity, the website will often have a list of all the board members and essential persons.

But we couldn’t talk about sleuthing without mentioning the unsung hero of fact-checking – Google Image search. This is where you can drag and drop a photo from online into the Google search bar, and Google will then scour the internet for all instances in which that photo pops up. “Even on social media, you want to make sure someone isn’t using a headshot from Pixabayor Wix or Squarespace, that they haven’t used just some random dude that they posted on their social media platform.” If you want to do an image search, go to the main page of Google and at the top, click the little tab that says “images.” And Damona says to make sure that the photo you use is taken directly from the website or profile, screenshots will not work.

(31:32) Beware of airtags: Airtags (or smart tags, for Samsung users) have been giving everyone a spook lately, so let’s nail down exactly what they are and how to avoid them. Basically, airtags are a tracking device keychain created by Apple to act as a key finder to help find lost items. But unfortunately, scammers have been using air tags and smart tags to track people by slipping them into an individual’s purse or pocket without them knowing. Sometimes, scammers will actually attach airtags to your car. So if a notification pops up on your device that says there’s an unknown airtag or smart tag nearby, definitely pay attention to the alert and disable its access. Damona does point out the bright side of airtags, which is that you can use these so your family and friends can keep track of your location, and even as a safety precaution the next time you go out on a date.

Check out more of Burton’s advice at https://www.burtonkelso.com/ and be sure to follow him on all the socials @BurtonKelso.

DEAR DAMONA (36:22)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from Maria – Dear Damona, I chose to only filter in partners who don’t drink alcohol or only drink sometimes. I’ve been talking to a woman who seems lovely, has done some inner work, and has come out of an abusive/toxic relationship last may. She has on her profile that she drinks sometimes, yet she messaged me late the other day saying that she was just out of her ‘little bar job to help her friend out.’ Alarm bells went off inside, and I asked the next day ‘when you say you drink sometimes, what does that mean? As I’m looking for someone who preferably doesn’t drink or drinks occasionally.’ She didn’t reply to this specific message. I said again “I asked you this question and you didn’t answer me, I just want to make sure that we’re aligned with each other’s values’ and she didn’t reply again, and said that the conversation wasn’t feeling good and we briefly cut contact. We both decided to carry on talking, yet I feel that there’s an elephant in the room now. Please advise.
Email from J – What is a kind and graceful way to end a relationship if you decide it isn’t working out? I am terrible at ending relationships and I often end up letting things linger way past their expiration date. I often tell myself, “He’s not so bad. He’s a nice guy.” But deep down I know that it isn’t going to work out. This year I’m focused on creating better boundaries, so I want to learn how to be better at this skill.

DAMONA’S DEALS

Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
Click here to try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit!

The 7 Love Styles & Doppelbangers

Are you still using the “5 Love Languages” to understand the relationships in your life? Well, it’s time to put an end to that! A lot has changed since the 80’s, including the ways we give and receive love.

In this week’s episode, Damona is joined by Molly Owens, the CEO and founder of Truity, a provider of research-backed personality tests which help people better understand themselves at home, at work and in relationships.

Molly will walk us through Truity’s newest research, which indicates that there are actually 7 love styles experienced in modern day relationships. Plus, Damona will share her own results from the “Seven Modern Love Styles test” – and oh boy, is this system good.

DATING DISH (2:42)

(2:42) The new dating trend that’s dawned on daters: The Independent recently covered a new trend called ‘dawn dating,’ and you can probably guess what this means: it’s going on dates in the morning. According to data from dating app Badoo, which surveyed 1,000 of its users, 71% of single people on the app said they would be impressed if someone asked them to go on a date in the morning.

So why has dawn dating been trending? Here’s the deal. It’s no secret how much alcohol is intertwined with dating culture, and many singles have changed their dating habits to take alcohol out of the equation – also called ‘dry dating’. Similarly, almost half of the people surveyed enjoy the fact that on a morning date, there’s no expectation to drink alcohol on the date. Plus, when you’re on a morning date, you don’t have to worry about setting a drink maximum for yourself (unless you’re going for brunch and mimosas).

Singles from Badoo’s data also mention that dawn dating is an optimistic and fun way to start the day, and that they feel like they’re more refreshed in the mornings and can get to know their dates on a deeper level.

Damona comments that she’s all about challenging dating norms and shifting your habits to see the different results. Dawn dating shows us that you don’t have to delete your dating apps, get a crazy haircut, or buy a whole new wardrobe to shake things up. Instead, you can use your experiences to craft your dating life in a way that really supports you, and helps you feel like your best self.

(5:32) Could you be dating your ‘doppelbanger’?: Are you dating someone who looks kind of… or exactly like you? According to the Daily Mail, you may be dating your ‘doppelbanger.’

The term is used mostly in the LGBTQ community when somebody is dating someone who bears a big resemblance to themselves. But if we step back and look at this pattern overall, there is something going on in attracting someone who shares similar features to yourself.

The article mentions research that was conducted by Hungarian scientists around physical attraction. They found that women were inclined to choose partners whose faces resemble those of their fathers, and men of their mothers. Another 2012 study by Institut des Sciences de l’Evolution in France, discovered that a third of men were attracted to images of women that had been digitally manipulated to resemble their own features.

Now all this begs the question – is there something biological that causes us to seek out visual similarities? Is it that we trust those who reflect our own features back to us, or look like our caregivers? And even further, with all this article touches on, can we still say that opposites attract? The next time you find yourself making eyes at a potential match, take a moment and see if you observe any parallels in your features. You may look more alike than you think…

MOLLY OWENS (10:23)

Molly Owens is the CEO & Founder of Truity, one of the leading providers of research-backed personality tests. She is a former therapist, with a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. Molly is also a contributor to INC. Magazine and recently appeared on Bloomberg TV.

Molly is here to share research which builds upon the original “5 Love Languages.” She will explain how Truity’s new “Seven Love Styles” framework addresses the changes we have come to see in modern day love styles.

(11:34) What exactly are love languages?: As popular as love languages have become in recent years, it’s funny to think that most of us don’t even know their origins. Molly gives us the scoop that the 5 love languages were originally developed in the 80s by a marriage therapist named Dr. Gary Chapman.

His hypothesis was that people express and receive love in different ways. So if you’re doing something that you think is very loving for your partner, and you’re thinking, “oh, I’m doing a great job of showing them how much I love them,” it won’t translate in the same way if what you’re doing doesn’t align with their love language. Chapman idealized that if you could teach couples about the 5 love languages, they would then have the language to explain what they want and need from each other in a relationship.

Molly explains that as helpful as the love languages were as a foundation for emotional communication between couples, Chapman’s research was actually done on a pretty homogenous sample of people. Since Dr. Chapman was a marriage therapist, he conducted his research on his straight, married Christian clients.

So in Truity’s research to see if the love languages held up, they looked at a more current sample and more diverse sample of people. Truity collected data from over 500,000 visitors to their website, asking them what made them feel loved and how they like to express love to their partners. The results showed that in modern-day relationships, people’s “love styles” actually fell between 7 categories – a reflection of how relationships have really changed since the 80s.

(15:25) The Intellectual Love Style: Damona and Molly start with the Intellectual love style, which Molly mentions is a love style that wasn’t really talked about at all in the original 5 love languages. So what does it really mean to have this love style? Molly describes that “it’s all about respect. It’s all about connecting on a mental level. It’s all about having that discourse with your partner, having those discussions, respecting their opinions, getting thoughtful advice, really thinking about what’s going on mentally, and having that mental match.”

Molly adds that a “red flag” for this love style (or rather, an indication that this may be yours), is if you’re very quickly turned off by someone who you can’t have a stimulating conversation with. Damona mentions how she definitely defines herself as having this love style, since what really attracted her to her husband was that he could keep up with her in conversation.

(16:30) The Emotional Love Style: Molly comments that the Emotional love style parallels the Intellectual one, in that they are both newer styles that accommodate the shifts in modern-day relationships. On top of that, these two love styles are the most popular love styles. “The Emotional love style has to do with supporting your partner through hard feelings, through difficult times, and really showing empathy to your partner,” Molly reports (and Damona remarks how this aligns with her own support for “empathetic dating”).

(20:50) The Activity Love Style: If this love style sounds familiar or appealing to you, Molly explains this is because the Activity love style pretty much matches the Quality Time love language in the original system. Although, rather than spending any kind of time together, the Activity love style focuses more specifically on sharing leisure activities and hobbies with your partner. Molly notes that this showed up in their data as couples often traveling, going on trips, and learning new skills together.

Uniquely, this love style also includes sharing a hobby with your partner, or at least sharing the interest of your hobbies with your partner. Damona also observes that many of the people she coaches often put an emphasis on shared activities as being core to their relationship. And while quality time is important, Damona believes that some of the other love styles are more crucial for long term compatibility.

(24:42) The Physical Love Style:

Now this one sounds pretty much like a given, right? Damona ponders how there is more to the Physical love style than meets the eye, since the physical aspects of a relationship tend to change over time as familiarity and closeness grow between two people. Molly agrees, and expresses that the Physical love style “really combines both the kind of sex side of things, that attraction and intimacy, and also just the sort of snuggly huggy stuff that we like. We found that the two did often go together for people, so that’s why it’s not separate.”

So what should you look for in a partner if you have a Physical love style? Molly suggests when you’re starting out in a relationship, to look for signs that the other person has the same, or at least roughly the same tolerance level, for physical closeness. “This is one where we have sort of a biological need, and it’s a little bit harder to overcome it if you’re really kind of off kilter with the person that you’re with. And that’s true for sex drive, as well as kind of just that physical closeness.”

(26:52) The Practical Love Style: The Practical love style has another parallel within the original 5 love languages, which is Acts of Service. But interestingly, this love language has a bit of a loaded history. “We found the acts of service concept to be pretty gendered… So in Dr. Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages, usually when he talked about housework, he framed it as a woman’s job. And if a man did it, then he was helping out his wife, which really doesn’t fly anymore.”

Molly and Damona agree that nowadays, there is some wiggle room for what “act of service” is. For instance, if your partner has a Practical love style, you can take the car to the car wash versus doing it yourself. This is still considered a practical expression of love, considering you went out of your way to make your partner’s day easier.

(29:54) The Financial Love Style: In a way, you could categorize this love style under the same umbrella as the Acts of Service love language. But more specifically, the Financial love style is really about “being there for the other person, and saying ‘I have these resources and I’m going to share them with you.’” Molly continues that expressions of financial love don’t necessarily have to be bougie – it could be as simple as stepping in to pay your partner’s phone bill when they can’t, or supporting them when they feel financial stress.

(31:00) The Appreciation Love Style: Much like the Words of Affirmation love language, “people who have the Appreciation love style really want to hear verbal positive feedback. They want to hear ‘you did a great job, I really appreciated that, thank you for all that.’ That rah-rah sort of verbal feedback.” One difference between this love style and that of its 80’s counterpart, Molly says, is that Truity found more people nowadays need that congratulatory aspect from their partners. So instead of just the verbal recognition, people with this love style may crave the emotional recognition.

Curious about your own love style? Be sure to take Truity’s 7 Love Styles quiz here.

DEAR DAMONA (36:22)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from J – Hi! I love your podcast and have been a listener for about a year now and have learned so much. I’m seeing someone new, it’s been a few weeks and it’s going very well so far. She has all the things I’m looking for, there’s chemistry, it’s great. So this “problem” is most likely just a me thing BECAUSE there are times she doesn’t text back for a day or day and a half. Before, she would text me at least once a day or even call me when she knows I’m not at work yet or just clocked out. I have an anxious/preoccupied attachment style and am fully aware of it, so when she doesn’t text back for a while, I assume the worst. I’m fully aware the worst case scenario may not be happening, but because of my attachment style I can’t help it. I’m afraid of asking for too much of her or looking like I’m emotionally unstable or something. I just feel like if it was just one text saying good morning or that she’s thinking of me or if she called, that would be great. I know she’s actually a very busy person and I appreciate the time she makes for me, but when I don’t hear back from her for two days and we haven’t made plans for our next date yet, I get super nervous that she’s about to ghost me. I’ve been ghosted so much. But I really really like her so…please help! Last thing I’ll say is that this is the most interest someone has shown me. She even gave me this GIANT bouquet of flowers on our second or third date, and even introduced me to her friends twice. So it’s because she’s everything I’m looking for AND she seems to really like me too, that I just don’t want to mess this up. I’m generally an open book but when it comes to sharing my attachment style, I feel weird about it. Should I tell her about my anxious attachment style in hopes she’ll accommodate it? For context, this is a lesbian relationship, in case that effects your answer at all. Thanks again and love the podcast!
Email from T – Dear Damona, I’ve done a lot of work on removing internal barriers through listening to your podcast over the past year so thank you so much for the content you put out! I’ve improved my profile, opened up my filters and gone on fun dates. My one issue is however, how can I figure out whether I’d be okay to move to a different city away from my friends, family and current job to be in a relationship? My problem is that I hesitate at the idea of being far removed from them but I also know I’m potentially restricting myself if I only look for people within a 10 mile radius. For context, due to religious reasons I wouldn’t move in with my partner without being married, so I wouldn’t be able to test the idea before fully committing to it if that makes sense. Culturally, women are expected to move to their husband’s location too so it’s unlikely that someone would move to be with me.What can I do to help me figure out if I’d be okay moving? I’m tired of spiraling every time I see a person’s location or not knowing how to answer when I’m asked about relocating. Hope this makes sense!

DAMONA’S DEALS

Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
Click here to try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit!

Design Your Relationship & The Talking Stage

Do you ever feel like traditional dating and relationships just won’t work for you? Or maybe they do work for you, but the timeframe when you can date and connect is narrow? Does it hold you back?

Well, today’s guest is Damona’s good friend – freelance writer and Certified Life, Love and Dating Coach, Deb Besinger. She is here to let you know that times are a changin’ and that now’s the time to “design your own relationship.”

DATING DISH (1:36)

(1:36) Is the economy what’s actually keeping you single?: Business Insider dropped some knowledge on us in this recent article, explaining how our economy is really set up to more highly benefit married couples over singles.

So let’s get educated. The article points out the many aspects of life in which married couples have advantages – tax breaks, social security savings, and even social circles (when you’re single, you spend more money on your own going out with friends or buying gifts for loved ones). They also drop some recent data on home ownership provided by Bank of America, stating that about 65% of single women said that they would rather not wait until they were married to buy homes.

In terms of dating, some single women are even worried that owning their own home sends a message to men that they don’t have space for them in their life, because home ownership must mean they’ve already got everything figured out. And all this isn’t even taking into consideration the wage gap between men and women, and then further between white women and women of color. All of these factors not only reflect societal standards from a rather bygone era, but they add up to one upsetting deficit on behalf of singles – lack of financial control.

Considering all this, Damona states that you don’t necessarily need to be married or in partnership, to have someone to lighten the load. She proposes that women and other singles join to form single pods, where you can buy things in bulk (hello, Costco) and split the cost of other expenses. This also gives you more power to choose the people that you spend time with and decide to make a part of your single life.

(7:10) The newest form of dating torture: Glamour Magazine came out with an article last week describing the talking stage. According to this article, the talking stage is a label coined by Gen Z to describe a maddening, undefined early stage in many relationships.

Damona thinks this is really cute because Gen X and millennials have been saying “talking” forever. But regardless of your age, you get it right. This is like, “we’re talking, but we’re not dating.”

Although Glamour makes this phase of dating seem unbearable and confusing for most people, Damona believes that “the talking stage” is actually a very necessary part of the dating process, and one that you shouldn’t run away from. “This is more what I call the screening stage to the people who are in my program. But the screening stage then has to move into some sort of definition.”

The article also makes mention of another relationship buzz word, which is the “situationship.” Although a situationship may be more defined and have some level of commitment (because you technically have to be *in* a situationship), what further separates this from “the talking stage” is that a situationship is something you don’t want to be in.

So Damona votes that we all skip over the situationship phase, and that we get to a period of definition after the talking stage more quickly. Embrace defining the relationship and leaving the ambiguity behind, and this may mean embracing a different definition than any relationship you’ve had in the past.

Additionally, be sure to have clarity on three questions: what do I want, what do they want, and have we talked about it. You are in control of your dating destiny. So if you dislike ambiguity, end it.

Check out Damona’s Free Profile Starter Kit here, to take more control of your dating destiny.

DEB BESINGER (12:35)

Deb Besigner is a freelance writer and Certified Life, Love and Dating Coach. She is the founder of Kiss of Perspective, her coaching program where she teaches clients how to “design their own relationship.”

Deb is also the author of Bound and Gagged by Christianity and the Sins that Set Me Free – her personal story of leaving fundamental Christianity and finding the religion of love.

(14:05) People’s relationship goals are shifting: Deb has been in the business of romantic coaching for eight years and she has seen a shift in how singles are dating. Deb says that many people are finding empowerment in learning how to be alone and that this process may have been sped up by the pandemic and the resulting lockdowns.

Deb explains how she sees people becoming more conscious and realistic about the amount of time they have to date intentionally. She reveals how she fosters this in her 10 week coaching program by asking members not to date for the first 8 weeks. That’s right, y’all read that right, the first 8 weeks.

Deb talks about how so many people feel pressured by traditional relationship timelines. Her goal is to help people slow down and become more aware of what life with a partner ideally looks like to them – in your perfect world, how do you spend your time? And how does the partner factor into that? Do you want to share a friend group, or are you okay having separate circles of friends? What works for you?

(17:09) Design the relationship you want:

Wait… Deb’s clients don’t date for the first 8 weeks of her 10 week program? What do they do in the meantime?

Deb lays out for Damona that “they’re getting really clear on what they want, what makes sense for them, what they have to offer, and getting rid of the stories in their head… “In my program, we’re really taking the steps to get you in that ideal place and to get really clear on what you want. And part of that is asking, what kind of relationship do you think is going to work for you?”

Damona brings up a recent article in the New York Times, about the relationship concept of “living apart together,” where couples don’t necessarily need to live together in the same space, or even the same country, to be together long-term. This idea totally aligns with Deb’s philosophy of leaving conventional relationship models behind. She says that “designer relationships” (meaning you forge your own relationship model) are becoming more common. “We’ve all gotten very used to video chatting whether we wanted to or not these last couple years, including planning a virtual date – you can still do that with a partner that’s far away.”

Deb does note that designer relationships do take a bit more intentionality and emotional intelligence to really make them work, since the distance makes it necessary to communicate more and keep checking in. But if we have the capacity to create the life we want, why wouldn’t we have the power to create the relationship we want in the same way?

(22:52) The feminine and the masculine: Along with goals and values, people’s exploration of gender roles and identities have been expanding as well. Deb believes that letting go of traditional gender dynamics is also key to attracting a match who will like you for your authentic self.

Deb goes on to say that many of her male clients identify or lean towards demisexual, meaning they need the emotional connection before they can get intimate with someone. But because society has told them that prioritizing emotion invalidates their masculinity, it’s hard to let that authentic part of themselves thrive.

Deb continues, “one thing I say often when that subject comes up is, if women were all feminine all the time, and men were all masculine all the time, the men would beat each other up and kill each other, and the women would be in puddles on the floor crying. We all have to balance both of these things all the time… to say that just because you were born a certain way, you therefore have to have these characteristics, is ridiculous.”

Bottom line: we have more freedom now than ever to explore what feels authentic to us. So take advantage of the opportunity, and don’t be afraid to listen to your gut.

(27:20) Turning up the heat:

Damona adds, “I believe there’s value in understanding the various parts of ourselves. And sometimes we need to turn up the volume on certain parts. And sometimes we need to turn down the volume on others.”

For instance, if you decide to go on a lunch date during your work day, your mind would most likely still be in work mode. You might be thinking about what you will have to go back to. Although this is technically presenting an authentic part of yourself, it’s not ideal when you’re getting to know a potential partner.

So, If you have to make the transition from work to a date, Deb recommends having a jam song that you can sing at the top of your lungs beforehand (even if it’s in the car on the way there). On top of that, Deb suggests changing one thing about your appearance – maybe take a tie off or change your shirt, or put on your best lipstick and jewelry. Both of these tips help your brain to recognize that you’re shifting into a different mode of energy.

(29:19) Bound and gagged by Christianity:

Deb’s book, Bound and Gagged by Christianity, is all about navigating her own path of life and love after leaving her fundamentalist Christian Church. Deb recounts getting married very young at 23 years old, and that this marriage was sort of an arranged marriage. She explained that in her community, you didn’t really date anyone unless you thought that you were going to marry them.

Divorce was also a concept that the church thoroughly rejected. “It took my ex-husband being really bold and brave to say, you know, we just can’t keep on. And I’m grateful for that, actually, because I decided that I could redesign my life.”

Another thought remained in Deb’s head after her divorce – “Gosh, I’d really like to have sex”. Her strict upbringing had prevented Deb from exploring her sexuality. Her husband was the only person she had ever been intimate with. She needed to unlearn the stories the Church had taught her about purity and consent. Doing this for herself led Deb to her current religion, which is the religion of love.

Check out all of the dating help Deb offers, plus more info on private coaching, on her website https://www.kissofperspective.com/.

DEAR DAMONA (37:12)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from S – Hi Damona. My question for you is, when is the best time to come forward and tell a man that I’m Dyslexic? It’s no joke, it’s been a struggle my whole life. I’m no dummy but just a slow reader and an awful speller (thank God for spell-check and audiobooks). I am a professional Esthetician and have been self employed for 20 years. I know how to work around it and most of my clients don’t have a clue, but when it comes to an intimate relationship I can’t hide it. I feel like I’ve explored every option – not telling is definitely a bad idea, but telling too soon can be a slippery slope. I’ve never been married and I always feel like this Dyslexia has put off some dates & a couple of ex-boyfriends. I would love to meet a man that will be understanding and patient. I took the last two years off after a ugly breakup and now I feel like trying. At 51, I have shied away from starting any dating apps because of setting up my online profile and fast past of texting.

Email from N – What if you connected on your first date, and then spent the night together? At 50 I feel old enough to make a decision like this. Is it bad to not slow down? Does it always blow the relationship? What’s the statistic? What’s a good timeline and what do you say to that person?

DAMONA’S DEALS

Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
Click here to try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit!

Dr. Drew & The Big 400

It’s our 400th episode special of Dates & Mates! We’ve been collecting messages from Dates & Mates listeners who shared why they listen to the show. They’ll be sprinkled throughout the episode, including two very special messages from the Hoffman household.

That is not the only thing that makes this episode special. When Dates & Mates started 9 years ago, there weren’t many other shows like this around. But there was one show (and one person in particular) that gave Damona a roadmap for how she wanted to share her voice and knowledge with the world. That show was Loveline, and that person was Dr. Drew Pinsky – who will be the honorary guest on today’s episode!

DR. DREW PINSKY (3:16)

Dr. Drew co-hosted the radio show Loveline for over 30 years and offered advice on dating, relationships and so much more. In addition to his career as a TV and radio personality, Dr. Drew is a doctor of internal medicine and an addiction specialist. He continues to treat patients to this day.

Dr. Drew and his wife, Susan, have been married for 30 years and they currently work together to produce the podcast, Ask Dr. Drew. Today he joins us to share the story of their 7-year courtship and his secrets for a long-lasting relationship.

(4:30) How Dr. Drew met his wife Susan:

Dr. Drew sets the record straight on his marriage origin story. It’s 1982 – Dr. Drew had finished his second year of medical school, and he and his friend went out to a bar to blow off some steam from studying.

When they arrived, they were surprised to find that a fashion show was being held at the bar, and it was at that moment that Dr. Drew spotted his now-wife at the mic MC-ing the show. He recalls having this weird, cosmic feeling of “I have to talk to this person.” Buuuut this apparently wasn’t reciprocated, since she blew him off pretty hard.

Two years later, Dr. Drew was in the studio hosting Loveline when Susan appeared. She was at the radio station as a guest to promote another fashion show. Dr. Drew describes how he felt a powerful attraction to her again, and he explains how he did something he had never done before. He knew that she was in a relationship, but he still asked her to please take his phone number, no strings attached. He says he just “had” to do it.

Susan eventually did give Dr. Drew a call, and it wasn’t until a year later that they both realized their paths had crossed before. They continued to date off and on for seven years, until finally staying together. “I think it’s Eastern philosophers like Chinese philosophers that have a saying about the important people in your life entering more than once,” mentions Dr. Drew. “They come around a few times typically.”

(10:23) Good stretches and bad stretches:

Damona asks Dr. Drew about why he and his wife were off and on over the years, and how he knew when it was the moment to pursue the relationship head-on. “It’s more that I knew when it wasn’t the moment. I knew that if I got married or committed myself to somebody, let’s say five years into our relationship of on-and-off again, I’d blow it if I was not ready.”

He continues that readiness, and having a sense of when you’re ready for something, is such a personal compass. Part of this process is accepting how you may need to let go of the right person if it’s the wrong time, which can be hard to swallow.

Damona also inquires Dr. Drew’s thoughts on “doing the dance” of dating (i.e. when should I text them, is it too early/late to call, I have to wait for them to reach out first). Dr. Drew is very clear that men will never play games with you, they are wired to see things very simply.

And if a guy IS playing games with you, it’s either to keep you from getting too deep into the relationship, or to keep themselves out of the relationship. Bottom line: the more direct and honest you can be, the better it will be for both parties.

(14:36) One day at a time:

Dr. Drew gives a piece of sound relationship advice that parallels the work he does in long-term recovery from drug addiction – take it one day at a time. He states that if you are happy today, you will most likely be happy the next. Take the time to express gratitude for your partner and let them know that you appreciate them.

But if you are not happy today, the negative feelings will continue to build up. This is when you need to pay attention and hone in on what is missing for you. Damona adds that much like Dr. Drew’s advice, a relationship is just a constant choice. “You get to choose to be committed to the relationship. And it’s this constant process of recommitting.”

Damona also brings up the elements of communication and conflict resolution in a relationship, which can be very layered. She points out that if your model for relationships has been a dysfunctional one, then having clear and honest communication can feel wrong. In these cases, fighting or a lack of communication will feel comfortable and familiar, however unhealthy it may be.

Dr. Drew says the remedy is learning how to fight fairly. “One of the ways to think about it is when there’s a winner, the relationship loses. The fighting should not be gratifying, it should not be interesting. It should be something you just want to understand and move past and not let it escalate in any way.”

(19:56) When people are ready, they’re ready:

Damona brings up one final point with Dr. Drew – what can I do if my partner doesn’t show up to do the work? Put simply, Dr. Drew answers that you can’t force somebody to show up to do the work, they have to make the choice. But when someone motivates themselves to step up to the plate on their own, they will be ready.

Dr. Drew indicates that he’s a big fan of EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy, because it’s all about supporting both people in a deep context. He adds that most people usually feel heard and understood, and come out having clarity about what’s creating the conflict and what each other is experiencing.

EFT also helps you to listen with your whole body (wait, what?). “It’s really the difference between hearing the words, and listening with your whole body. Your body is the instrument of what you’re listening to. You hear it to your toes, and you feel it, hear it, and process the information as it’s coming in.”

You can hear more of Dr. Drew’s amazing advice and insightful conversations on his podcast, Ask Dr. Drew.

DEAR DAMONA (24:42)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

(24:57) “Waiting For Chemistry” asks: My new date seems a lot more interested in me than I am, but I’m not feeling it yet! He lacks that sexual spark for me and I admit it’s from comparing him to my past lovers. However, he meets all my must-haves and seems devoted to a real relationship. I don’t want to lead him on, but how long should I continue to show him my undivided attention in terms of going out and showing physical affection? I’ve already slept with him, partly because I wanted to see if that changed the chemistry between us – it hasn’t.

(28:10) Anonymous asks: The last couple of months, especially over the holidays, have been very challenging emotionally, mostly due to the continued isolation and living alone with the day-to-day anxiety during covid. I’ve done EMDR, and I’m likely going to start taking medication soon to help me through this very difficult time. Something I struggle with now is finding the time, energy, and mindset to even check the apps or have a phone call or in-person date. When will I know I’m ready to date? And how do I get back out there?

(31:23) Anonymous asks: How does one handle dating with a disability that is only occasionally visible but yet can’t be denied?

(31:23) R asks: I’m still looking young at 34 years old, but I just find myself in a single place – others in my life already have families and now are even married. Coming from a Latino based family, I get asked by Aunts and Uncles when am I going to find my match, and it’s just killing me inside. Especially that I’ve been through so much in my life since I am epileptic and have had more than 6 brain surgeries now. When women see me, they ask me about my scars on my head, and I will always feel it’s not their business to know about my medical condition. But will they just run away like always?

(37:21) Dani asks: Why do I want physical intimacy and touch when I think about the person I am going on a date with, but when I am there with them in person, my instinct is to pull back and I often feel uncomfortable with affectionate contact? I understand it takes a while to warm up to someone, but it can feel really frustrating to want to run towards something in my head only to end up running away from it in person.

(41:03) Anonymous asks: I am going through something really painful. I caught my boyfriend of 5 years in a lie and he revealed that he loves another woman. This was via text and he hasn’t contacted me since. I would love it if you have any advice or pointers. I feel so lost right now.

(43:20) Anonymous asks: When I am out in social settings, I have been told I am unapproachable or intimidating. How can I appear more approachable?

DAMONA’S DEALS

Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
Try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit at DatesandMates.com

TikTok Love & Workplace Romance

Are you ready for a powerful conversation?

We have an exciting interview with a TikTok star who may have predicted her own wedding in a video. The inspirational Alexa Carlin is here today to tell us about how she cheated death at the age of 21 and the lessons from her harrowing experience that prepared her for success in love and life.

DATING DISH (2:15)

(2:15) Crushin’ on your coworker:This Forbes article reported on a new study finding that 50% of US workers have a crush on a co-worker, and 33% are currently involved in a workplace romance. And get this – that 33% is 6% higher than before the pandemic.

Two things are happening here. One, we’ve become used to talking to people digitally, and become more skillful at expressing ourselves over text and video chat. Two, people aren’t under the watchful eye of Big Brother. So, there is more freedom to pursue a playful workplace romance.

But even as work relationships are coming back, is it still worth risking everything you’ve worked for to date that person? D’s take is that even though working from home makes the rules feel more flexible, it’s still important to consider the pros and cons when pursuing any kind of relationship at work.

(7:01) Could TikTok be your new matchmaker?

Turns out online dating doesn’t just have to happen through a dating app or website. The Cut recently published an article redefining online dating as any space online where you can connect with others. Because of Covid lockdowns, social activity (including dating) has increasingly funneled into platforms like Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram.

On the one hand, dating apps increase your odds of meeting someone because people go on them with the purpose of meeting someone. But when you are using alternative platforms to make a connection, you start building off of a foundation of some sort of commonality (versus on dating apps, where you are self-starting a conversation).

For instance, the article featured a couple that met because this guy is a musician who used to play on TikTok, and the algorithm was like the matchmaker that recommended him to her. What’s also empowering about this approach, is that you get to self-report what you are about and what’s important to you.

If you are eager to start experimenting with online dating, offline of the apps, then Damona has some hot tips for you:

If you’ve just discovered someone you want to DM, make the connection in the public space before transitioning to DMs. Otherwise, this can come off as creepy. Establishing connection and commonality will also give you something to comment on later in the DM.
If they have a private account, being active in the public space will make your DM request more likely to be accepted. On a lot of platforms, being openly active in the community will keep the algorithm from seeing your DM as suspicious, and your message won’t be left unread for weeks or months.

ALEXA CARLIN (13:40)

Alexa Carlin is a public speaker and TV personality who has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network, FOX, ABC, CBS and TEDx. She is the founder and CEO of Women Empower X (WEX), and the author of “Adaptable: How to Lead with Curiosity, Pivot with Purpose, and Thrive through Change”.

Alexa credits her success and the community she has created to surviving a near death experience. She came out of a medically induced coma after being incredibly ill at 19 years old. She had been given only a 1% chance to live.

Hers is a powerful story, and you can feel Alexa’s power when she speaks.

(15:11) How Alexa met her man:

Here’s how it happened: Alexa was headed to a speaking gig in 2019, when her flight was delayed and she was left sitting in an airport. She had recently deleted all the dating apps on her phone, feeling kind of overwhelmed with the online dating scene.

During her wait, Alexa opened her phone to find that she had forgotten to delete one last dating app. Out of boredom she opened the app, and the first profile looking back at her was her future fiancé, Colby.

Alexa remembers what caught her attention about Colby’s profile, and what led her to swiping right. First, one of Colby’s pics was of him and his mom – Alexa wanted a partner who was super family oriented. And second, she was struck by the answers to the questions on his profile. One said that his goal is to retire by a certain age (which told Alexa that he’s driven), and he was into similar hobbies as hers like tech and finance.

Alexa also mentions how she felt something more intuitive – “His pictures were not trying to look a certain way. I think it was more the energy I felt from him on this app that just spoke to me.”

(18:38) What was the moment?:

Damona asks Alexa that age-old question – what was the moment she knew she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life? Alexa remembers one moment roughly four months into dating her fiancé in 2019.

She was hosting a conference for her business Women Empower X, which helps women entrepreneurs grow their businesses. This was the first time that Colby had come to the event with her, along with the rest of her family.

Alexa remembers watching Colby man the merch table, while chatting with her grandma pretty much the whole day. “And I looked at him and I just felt this overwhelming feeling that I am so in love with him, and he’s the man that I want to marry. Because at this moment, it was the first time in my entire life that someone meant more to me than my business.”

(21:47) Nice-to-haves vs must-haves:

Alexa lists the three things that she believes helped her find her person.

She let go of the thought that she couldn’t have both a demanding career and a relationship. She thought about all the powerhouse women in the world who have both, and told herself “if Beyoncé can do it, then I can find a way.”
Alexa opened up about having an autoimmune disease. In college, Alexa had a near death experience that left her in a coma. After being diagnosed with this debilitating autoimmune disease, she remembers thinking “how am I going to find love? Because at any moment, my autoimmune can flare up.” With her fiancé Colby, she made the change of being open about her disease right from the start – and evidently this made the difference. Opening up to Colby in this way taught Alexa that your partner may never understand exactly what you’re going through, but what matters is if they can be empathetic and compassionate, and just be there for you.
She wrote down her list of relationship non-negotiables. One thing Alexa noticed while writing her list, is that a lot of her supposed must-haves were more like “nice-to-haves.” For example, she first wrote down that she wanted to be with someone that was well-traveled and had all these cool experiences. But what she more realistically wanted was someone that would want to travel with her for work.

(26:00) This may be your last first date:

Damona brings up a TikTok Alexa made in the Summer of 2019, literally RIGHT before her first date with Colby. Alexa’s grandmother would always say “put your lipstick on, maybe today’s the day that you meet that person.” So in the video, Alexa states very optimistically “you never know, this may be my last first date!”

Not only did the date go well, but they ended up closing down the restaurant before even ordering their food. “So right away, I knew I wanted to go on a second date, because we had so much to talk about.”

(29:59) Let’s pivot with purpose:

Things come into your life that you can’t control, so how do you keep on going and not give up? That’s the whole purpose of Alexa’s book, Adaptable. In the same way that we’ve seen ourselves adapt to a new normal amidst Covid, being adaptable is an important quality in your relationships or when you are growing as an individual.

Alexa recounts that when she had her near-death experience, she ended up in a dark place struggling to find the hope to keep her going, now that she had been diagnosed with this lifelong disease. Eventually she came upon a new perspective – if hope isn’t possible, maybe she could exchange hope with curiosity.

Becoming avidly curious about what may happen if you don’t give up, or if you go on one more date, is enough to push you through your most challenging moments. Alexa adds, “I believe our obstacles can do one of two things, they can hold us back or fuel us forward. And the beautiful thing about that is the choice is always up to you.”

Grab a copy of Adaptable: How to Lead with Curiosity, Pivot with Purpose, and Thrive through Change here.

And listen to more of Alexa in “The Alexa Rose Show” on the Callin App.

DEAR DAMONA (34:51)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from Mo – Hi Damona! I love your podcast and I’ve been binging from as far back as Google podcasts would let me go. I have a question: what’s your take on empty bios on swipe apps? Especially if they have a bunch of pics that fulfill your 3 C’s. I’ve seen a lot of guys will have empty bios, minimal bios or just put their height. What do you think? Should I just swipe left on these guys?
Email from Sarah – Love the podcast, thanks for all of your thoughts and insights. I have a really hard time with the emailing that happens between the initial phone call and the first date when meeting through an app. “Good morning,” “Happy Tuesday,” “Hope you had a great day,” and the list could go on for miles… To me these little bids are pseudo intimacy and annoyances. I do not work the kind of job where I can be on my personal phone all day. I have had the experience where a connection has gone sour while my phone is not even with me during my workday because of his expectations of texts. Even if I could text all day I do not want to until after I have actually met someone and know if I want to create a closer connection. Is this just a part of app dating that I have to change my mindset around and learn to get into this? Or is there a better way? Would love to hear your thoughts.

DAMONA’S DEALS

Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
Get 10% off your first month of online therapy with BetterHelp by visiting BetterHelp.com/DatesandMates
Try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit at DatesandMates.com

The Tinder Swindler & Hypnojourneying

You know, I am always telling you guys that you have to be your true self when dating and in relationships, but how often do you find yourself wondering just how to do that?

Our guest today is Certified Hypnotist, Marriage & Manifestation Coach Beth Miller. She is here to teach you how to get in touch with your most authentic self through guided reflection and a technique called hypno-journeying.

DATING DISH (1:40)

(1:40) A cheat code for more likes?: A TikTok and Tinder user named Minnie recently posted a TikTok, describing how she noticed one particular pose coming up over and over again in dating app pics. The guys using these pics had a few things in common. Firstly, they were all 25 to 36 years old. Secondly, they were all using one common pose – standing tall with their arms out making an X, almost always in nature.

Now whether these men are being instructed to do this or this is happening naturally, one thing is for sure. Making your body bigger, forces your heart to work harder, which results in elevated mood and increased confidence. They call it power posing. This is a great way to really stand out, to show that you are confident and not afraid to take up space.

This brings up a key point, which is that you have to be strategic to attract attention on a dating app. This is why I talk about the Three C’s – color, context and character.

Hot tip: our eyes are conditioned to stop when we see the color red and pay attention. So, when I talk about color, it isn’t just about finding a color that looks good on you, it’s about grabbing the attention of your potential partners.

On to context. Taking the X pose in nature says you’re adventurous, outdoorsy, or maybe that you like a challenge. The other thing you do when you take that X pose is you show your confidence. It shows your personality. That’s the character part of the Three C’s.

I am not going to tell you to take the power pose in nature, but I do challenge you to explore poses that really convey your three C’s. You may even see a spike in your matches.

(5:20) The Tinder Swindler

If you haven’t had a chance to watch ‘The Tinder Swindler’ yet, don’t worry – no major spoilers ahead.

I wasn’t going to talk about this here. I really don’t like talking about negative online dating stories because people tend to think they are indicative of the whole experience. But despite all the hype around Simon Leviev (the Swindler himself), swindlers have been out there since the dawn of time.

(7:30) Here are some of the flashing red warning signs I saw from the Tinder Swindler:

Simon used his IG account like a dating profile. Simon Leviev’s Tinder and Instagram profiles portrayed him as having this over-the-top, lavish lifestyle. He also took the time to build up an Instagram following of about 100,000 followers. But what you’re seeing on Instagram can be so easily fabricated. He created an image of himself that not only seemed legit, but larger than life. Keep an eye out for profiles like this.
He asked to move to WhatsApp immediately. A lot of the swindlers do use WhatsApp, because it allows them to communicate freely from various countries in various locations. It’s also useful to scammers, since the dating app can no longer track your communication.
He said he was only in town for one night, and wanted to meet for coffee right away. That urgency is another red flag.
The connection seemed too good to be true. Now of course, feeling a strong connection with someone right away is not inherently suspicious. But the difference with Simon, is he asked this girl to come on his private jet for a business trip RIGHT AFTER their coffee date. This is a huge red flag.
He started asking for financial loans a month or so into dating. No one that you are dating for a short amount of time should be having you take out loans for them, sending them money, making any wire transfers, going on payroll for their company – any of these things are big red flags.

BETH MILLER (15:25)

Beth Miller is a Certified Hypnotist, Marriage & Manifestation Coach, who supports folks in fixing their relationships.

Beth is also the founder of Soulify Method, a 12 week program which works with the plasticity of the brain to help women transform their lives and marriages.

She has been featured in The London Free Press, CTV News, and Macleans Magazine. Beth is here to remind us of who we truly are, so we can show up fully when dating and in our relationships.

(16:06) How hypnotherapy actually works:

So, what the heck is hypnotherapy anyway? Beth gives us the deets. “It’s this incredible therapy that allows you to get into your subconscious mind.” First, you are guided into a deeply relaxed state – the Theta brainwave state. Once you’re there, the hypnotherapist can reach the parts of your mind where all your memories, thoughts, and beliefs are stored, and bring everything forward to your conscious brain.

By consciously accessing these thoughts, you can help to parent yourself and process the painful memories and trauma that live in your body. Beth also mentions that contrary to the more classic image of hypnotherapy in movies and TV, the subject is 100% completely in control of everything that happens. So, if the hypnotherapist were to tell you to rob a bank, you won’t unless you truly believe that is something you want to do.

(19:08) Our inner child creates who we are today:

A large part of hypnotherapy is diving deep into your relationship with your inner child. When you go into that Theta state and find your inner child, you can figure out what beliefs have been holding you back your whole life.

Beth clarifies that your inner child is made up of your playful aspects, and your wounded aspects. This can include any major traumas, or something as simple as being laughed at for getting an answer wrong in school.

Beth remarks how you can also reach aspects of your inner child through a meditative state. This is where your Alpha brain waves reside – where you are so present and still, that anything concerning the past or the future melts away.

She also recommends journaling as a way to reach this meditative state. “The point is, that at any age, you have the capacity to rewire your thinking” – and working with your inner child can help.

(23:57) You are 50% of the solution:

Now we can do all the personal growth and hypnotherapy we want, but can you still shift in your relationship if you’re the only one that’s doing this kind of work?

Beth tells her clients that you can most definitely change your relationship in this situation, because you are 50% of the solution.

So often in relationship dynamics, we end up surrendering our power – we think to ourselves “if he would only change, if he would talk nicer to me, if he would give me more hugs, if you would help out more.” But if you can embrace the change you can create in your half of the relationship, this is a sure step towards changing your relationship as a whole.

On the other hand, if it’s clear that your partner isn’t trying to pull their 50%, this may be a clear sign that that’s not the relationship for you. “But I think almost 100% of the time, your partner is just mirroring to you things that you need to work on.”

Beth gives an example – you go on a date, and your partner wants to have a third beer. Your reaction follows with “why are you having a third beer? That’s so expensive.” That’s showing you that maybe you feel the pressure to save more money. Then you can ask yourself where this pressure is coming from, and dive deeper into that emotion.

(28:50) Step into your triggers:

In one of her recent blog posts, Beth talks about noticing and leaning into the moments when you feel triggered. A trigger is any kind of unwanted or uncomfortable emotion – think emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, shame, embarrassment. “Triggers are this massive clue into areas within yourself… When triggers come up, we have to celebrate because your body is speaking to you. It’s telling you ‘I need to be seen, I need to be heard.’”

Beth suggests picking one of your emotional triggers, and getting really curious about it. When we remain curious and withhold judgment, it allows us the safety we need to go into the trigger and explore it.

Here’s an example. Beth has a client whose husband is extremely messy. He leaves his dishes everywhere, he plays video games at night and she will wake up to like wrappers all over the place. Beth explains that as a child, this client was told you need to have a clean house. So when she’s in an environment that doesn’t seem like it’s in control, she gets this out of control feeling within her. So by exploring this trigger, she learned that it’s not really about her husband being a slob – it’s about her environment.

(30:45) Building a solid foundation:

Beth remarks that when you go into the relationship pool, you don’t want to find your better half. You want to go into the pool ready to find a partner who you won’t be triggered by. When you take the time to do the inner work, your relationships won’t result in arguments, you won’t feel unloved, you won’t feel unheard, and you won’t feel unseen, just because you love yourself.

You will also build a larger capacity to see the bigger picture behind other people’s triggers, and approach them with kindness and understanding. All in all, hypnotherapy can be a great tool in helping us do the inner work to free ourselves of harmful emotions.

Check out Beth’s program, Soulify Method, at https://soulifywellness.com/.

DEAR DAMONA (34:08)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from K – Hi Damona! I met a guy online. We’ve chatted every day for a few weeks online and via text and phone with my google voice number. As we started to get more comfortable with one another, we wanted to FaceTime so I gave him my real number. The day I gave him my number his online profile disappeared. I asked what happened to his profile and he completely ghosted me. Does that mean he was hiding something? Am I overthinking it or was he just uninterested? I can’t wrap my brain around the whole thing. This has completely turned me away from online dating. Any advice from the expert would help! XOXO
Text from Miss M – Hi Damona! I’m a 42 year-old bi female. I’ve been listening to your show for a couple years & I love all of your straightforward dating advice. Regarding being authentic & accepting of insecurities (such as losing weight or missing back teeth or not wanting kids etc), how would someone with financial insecurities approach online dating? I’m 80K in debt, most of it is student loans. I’m ashamed of my debt and don’t want potential partners to know about it. For context, I have a great stable job at a university but live in a city with a ridiculous cost of living. I pay all my bills & rent on time. I just have this monkey on my back that I can’t seem to shake & it prevents me from buying a house. I’m curious to hear what you think? When is it appropriate to reveal my financial situation to someone I’m dating? I imagine because of the pandemic there’s a lot of people who have lost their jobs & are on a tight budget like me or are facing financial crisis & are ashamed. How do we find love too? Thanks Damona!!

DAMONA’S DEALS

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About Damona Hoffman

Damona Hoffman is a dating coach & on-air personality who starred in two A+E Networks’ TV series: #BlackLove and A Question of Love. Her first book F the Fairy Tale was published in January 2024 and became an instant Amazon #1 bestseller. She’s a regular contributor to The LA Times, The Washington Post, The Drew Barrymore Show, NPR, CNN Headline News (HLN), BET, and more. Plus, she is the OkCupid Official Dating Expert. Damona’s weekly podcast Dates & Mates consistently charts in the top 50 in the Dating and Relationships category. She is also the host and producer of Freshbooks’ I Make A Living Podcast, which features her advice for new entrepreneurs and interviews with expert entrepreneurs.