We have a big episode today, with a big name guest – so why not kick it off with a big announcement to match?
As many of you know, Damona has been working on her book for the last year or two. And now, we can OFFICIALLY announce the release date and the title!!!
In her 15+ years coaching singles, Damona has found that the biggest game changer for clients is the moment when they throw out the old scripts they’ve been living with – the soulmate myth, the chemistry myth, all the myths that keep us believing that there is one way to find love. As soon as you realize the power you have to live your OWN love story, your life begins to change.
Damona’s book will be the framework to help you do just that. So on January 2nd, 2024, you can buy your copy of F the Fairytale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story. In the meantime, you’ll be hearing excerpts from the book and much more throughout the year.
Now, on to the show! You know our guest today as The Bachelorette from Season 13 and a correspondent on EXTRA. She’s the one and only, Rachel Lindsay! And she has a brand new novel called “Real Love!” that asks what happens when you take the road less traveled.
DATING DISH (2:42)
Match Group served up the world’s first comprehensive survey of dating trends:
If you’ve never heard of Match Group, they’re the ones who own companies like Tinder, Match.com, OkCupid, Hinge, PlentyOfFish and OurTime. And recently, Match Group partnered with research firm Ipsos to dive deep into the current state of online dating. Nearly 20,000 people were surveyed from the US, Germany, Japan, India and Turkey – including people with and without online dating experience
The results were split into three sections covering LGBTQ+ dating, online safety, and how online dating seems to be the foremost venue for making connections. Damona goes over the hottest takes to come out of this data-fest.
RACHEL LINDSAY (14:10)
Rachel Lindsay is currently a correspondent with ExtraTV and she is the host of The Ringer’s “Higher Learning with Van Lathan and Rachel Lindsay” podcast, which was recently nominated for an NAACP.
Rachel is best known for her role as the first Black lead in the franchise’s history on the 13th season of ABC’s The Bachelorette and as a contestant on the 21st season of ABC’s The Bachelor.
And her newest book, “Real Love!”, is on shelves… TODAY!
(17:00) How much of Rachel’s novel draws from IRL?
Rachel’s book “Real Love!” revolves around Maya, a young CEO who is offered the opportunity to join the nationally beloved reality dating show “Real Love.” But after turning down the show, she watches her friend Delilah say yes to the experience.
Besides the obvious, Rachel says that the book is loosely based on her own journey but stands alone as its own story. On deciding to go on The Bachelor, Rachel says “once I said yes, it changed my life in the best way. But I always think about that girl who almost said no. And so I wanted to explore that.”
Rachel also notes some of the key themes in the book including how we keep ourselves from our own happiness (to quote Rachel, “fear is really the root of all evil.)
(23:30) Throw out the life plan!
Damona brings up an essay from Rachel’s previous book, where she described the 10-year life plan she used to have. And now? Rachel shares that she’s thrown the idea of a life plan out altogether. “Even now, when someone says to me, ‘what is it that you want to do, what’s the end goal?’ I don’t give them one… What I would say is hold true to those things that you don’t want to compromise on your morals, your values, your dreams, your goals. All that should stand through and through.”
(28:05) A fine line between your story and someone else’s…
Damona observes Rachel’s very deliberate choice to have the main character of “Real Love!” be black, and asks if this was a way for Rachel to explore how race factors into finding love today. Rachel says absolutely, noting that “as [Maya] comes to a certain crossroads and she’s open to new opportunities, you see that certain things don’t necessarily match up with her life plan. But is she going to act on them? Or is she not? And that’s a very real life situation.”
(31:02) Blackness and Bachelor Nation.
Rachel had never watched a show from The Bachelor franchise when she first went on as a contestant, later becoming the first black lead of not only The Bachelorette, but of a Bachelor show PERIOD. And although she didn’t have a full concept of how historical her position was, she describes anticipating judgment for every decision she would make by both The Bachelor audience AND the Black community alike. She continues, “I was going to be open to love. And if it came my way, I was going to accept it no matter what package it came in. And I needed to be okay with that. Because I knew the world that I was going to have to face once I made that decision.”
Rachel also describes the biggest advice she has for interracial couples.
Be sure to follow Rachel Lindsay on Instagram @TheRachLindsay AND go out and grab YOUR copy of Real Love! – on shelves today!
DEAR DAMONA (38:15)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Text Message from Anon – Hi Damona! I recently started listening to your podcast and really like it! You inspired me to get back online for dating after taking a couple of years off. My question is: How do I balance the matches and conversations? I’m not very good at, or comfortable with, talking to and meeting multiple guys at once. I don’t want to miss a good potential match due to ignoring messages but I don’t know that spreading myself thin over the matches allows me to really gauge a good connection. I don’t want to get overwhelmed and give up, but I’m not really sure what to do. Thank you!
Bustle: Should you really move in together in 4 weeks?
“Moving in together after meeting, getting engaged, and honeymooning in under three weeks is tough. Damona Hoffman — a certified dating coach, host of the Dates & Mates podcast, and a consultant for The Drew Barrymore Show — knows well how an accelerated, TV-friendly timeline can shape a relationship. ‘Time moves more quickly, and you cling to your matches like a life raft when you know that you have limited time to meet your person and every move you make could be scrutinized down the road by the viewers,’ Hoffman tells Bustle over email.
But some experiences, like moving in together, aren’t just hard on TV. Couples have a lot to consider when taking this step, from big-picture things like finances and plans for the future, to smaller details like how to keep the kitchen clean and how to decorate a shared space. So as the Season 4 couples shack up onscreen, Hoffman is here to share her expertise.”
Read all of Damona’s tips on moving in with your boo HERE!
Empathic Listening & Single Male Loneliness
While scoping out the latest and greatest in dating news, we came across a stat that just about blew our minds – 54% of men say they’d rather play video games than have sex on a given day.
Say what?! The pandemic has without a doubt left many of us feeling lonely and isolated, but we found this info utterly shocking. It comes out of a study on Single Male Loneliness conducted by fellow dating coach, Blaine Anderson.
The study is jam packed with so many fascinating findings that Damona just HAD to have Blaine on this week’s episode to break it all down. Plus, Blaine is one of the top dating coaches on texting (and you know how passionate Damona gets on the topic). Blaine will be sharing tips for everybody on how to be a better texter, how to send a first message that gets a response, and how to be in integrity in your dating life.
DATING DISH (1:55)
How Drew Barrymore gave us all a masterclass on empathic listening:
If you’ve ever heard Damona talk about empathetic dating, then here’s a headline that will hit home. Huffpost recently published an article taking a deep dive into Drew Barrymore’s interview style on her daytime talk show – but more specifically, how she demonstrates “empathetic listening.” Besides her iconically open and friendly nature, Drew engages in empathetic listening by simultaneously remaining curious and open to her guest’s own experiences. Drew also is big on self disclosure, often candidly sharing info with her audiences about her love life or struggles with addiction. Damona further breaks down why it’s important to be curious and empathetic in our dating lives.
BLAINE ANDERSON (12:08)
Blaine Anderson is a dating coach for men and her mission is to curb the increasing isolation they are experiencing globally. She has been featured in major publications such as The New York Times, Forbes, Psychology Today, NYPost, and Vice i-D.
Blaine offers one-on-one coaching, practical online courses, and relatable dating content via her fast growing company, Dating By Blaine.
(13:45) Going into the stats…
Damona asks Blaine to break down her study on Single Male Loneliness – a big aspect being that men have given up on or see dating as too much effort. Blaine mentions that this is a huge symptom of our addiction to instant entertainment (re: the stat from the intro), and how “human instinct often is to pick the path of least resistance… so you really have to be intentional and motivated to go get your entertainment out in the real world.” Blaine and Damona also share strategies to navigate your dating life phone-free, and easing back into your dating journey after a period of loneliness.
(22:20) The profile photo is EVERYTHING.
So what is the biggest challenge for men when it comes to dating apps? Blaine has a few theories. But first and foremost, you’ve GOT to have a good set of pictures. Your profile photos are a chance for potential matches to see what it would be like dating you, so be sure to include some pics featuring your favorite hobbies and showcasing your interests.
Blaine then explains the reality of dating app experiences for men vs women based on her findings, PLUS the reality of making the first move…
(34:45) How to avoid the quicksand (AKA the Texting Trap)
If you’ve listened to Dates & Mates before, you’ve probably heard Damona talk about The Texting Trap – essentially, this is when you get stuck chatting with your match solely over text, never making plans to meet IRL. Blaine points out that while it’s important to build a certain amount of trust with your match before meeting up, “it’s much easier to text yourself out of another date than into one.” Blaine additionally shares the most common texting mistake she sees from her clients when leading up to a date.
Blaine and Damona end by answering your most burning texting questions in a round of Yay or Nay: Texting Edition.
Be sure to follow Blaine on Instagram @DatingByBlaine and visit her website DatingByBlaine.com to learn more!
DEAR DAMONA (44:15)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
How to Use Your Dog as Your Wingman for Dating
Dating can be easier with your best friend at your side, as long as your bestie has four paws. Here at Dates & Mates, we know firsthand the impact dogs can have on your life (like Damona and her buddy Ranger AKA “Beast”). Not only are they your best friend, family member, and beloved pet, dogs can often substitute for a significant other in your life (though you should maybe have a 60/40 split when sharing a bed).
So if you’re single and looking for a non-four-legged partner in crime, here’s how to use your dog as your wingman:
Let Your Dog Be a Conversation Piece – Having your furry friend when you’re out and about can take the pressure off of needing an impressive one-liner to start a conversation. Instead, let your dog be your wingman! If a cutie starts up a conversation about your pooch, keep it going by asking if they have any pets of their own (and if they’d like to join you and the pup for coffee sometime).
Put Your Pooch in Your Profile – Animal lovers are more likely to be perceived as caring, compassionate, patient, responsible and overall kind human beings. And according to the American Kennel Club, including a dog in your dating profile photo can increase your chances of getting a match by up to 53%! So don’t be afraid to share the spotlight with your furry friend. Just be sure you still have some single shots of yourself on your profile.
Check Out Dog-Friendly Events – From dog shows to charity events, there are more opportunities than ever to meet singles who share your love of dogs. Visit a dog park you’ve never been to, road trip to a dog beach, or even check out Meetup.com for some local (and maybe unusual) dog-friendly events.
Use Social Media to Your Advantage – In 2023, social media is an essential tool for connecting with people. If you’re looking for love and have a furry friend, use social media to your advantage. Post pictures of you and your dog, join Facebook groups for dog lovers, and use Instagram hashtags to connect with like-minded individuals. You never know who you might meet!
Volunteer at a Local Animal Shelter – Volunteering at a local animal shelter not only allows you to give back to your community, but it’s also an excellent opportunity to meet people who share your love for dogs. You might even meet someone who’s looking for a new furry friend to adopt.
Although there are plenty of people out there who love dogs, you may find yourself feeling the spark with someone who isn’t the biggest dog person. Heck, they might even be allergic to your furry friend. Here’s our two cents:
When Your Date Isn’t a Dog Person – You want a partner who will value your values. If they can’t respect or understand your love of animals, you might run into other issues down the road. So if your new date absolutely detests them and doesn’t honor what’s important to you, reconsider if this is really a good match for you in the long run.
When Your Date is Allergic — Although having a dog allergy can be another hoop to jump through, this doesn’t mean you should completely throw in the towel with your match. Find activities you can do outside the house as you get to know one another. If things get more serious, there are medical options that can help your partner become more comfortable around your pooch. Be sure to clean frequently, create a dog-free zone, and try an air filter to help your partner be more comfortable in your space.
But the biggest “do” for doggie daters is to GET OUT THERE! Bring your beloved pet to the park, picnics, lunch, drive around with them, get them (and yourself) some fresh air! If Charlie Brown has taught us anything (aside from how NOT to punt a football) it’s that dogs make the best wingmen for dating around.
Love Letters & Undefined Relationships
You all know Damona has been in this game for a minute – and by a minute, we mean like 17 years. Damona has spent her career as a love expert reading, studying, and analyzing all of the trends and stories out there on dating and relationships, so you can chart yourself to the love life you want and deserve.
And there are a handful of people who we’ve been tracking for a while. Folks who share this same passion for stories, for relationship trends, and for love. Meredith Goldstein is one of those people and it’s a special delight for us to share her interview today. Meredith will be sharing insights from her long-running Boston Globe advice column, Love Letters, and her podcast of the same name.
You know how JLo once said “my love don’t cost a thing”? Well, Meredith and Damona will also be examining the actual cost to be single vs coupled and how it’s far more expensive to be in the wrong relationship!
DATING DISH (2:05)
How do undefined relationships impact your mental health?:
At this point, we’ve all heard the terms “ghosting” and “situationship” floating around, and Forbes recently published an article spelling out the effects of undefined relationships on mental health. The article first defines a situationship – “a relationship of romantic or sexual nature that exists without commitment and the expectations of such” – and mentions the details of a 2022 YPulse survey, revealing that 16% of Millennials have been involved in a situationship and 35% of Gen Z individuals prefer an undefined relationship rather than one with a label.
Damona further explains why undefined relationships and ambiguity can work against us, and dissects another Time Magazine article written by friend of the pod, Myisha Battle, stating that “situationships are the future of dating, and that’s not a bad thing.”
(Check out Myisha’s Dates & Mates interview!)
MEREDITH GOLDSTEIN (14:20)
Meredith Goldstein is an associate editor and advice columnist for The Boston Globe. Her column, Love Letters, is a daily dispatch of wisdom for the lovelorn that has been running since 2009. She also hosts the popular Love Letters podcast.
She is the author of the memoir “Can’t Help Myself: Lessons and Confessions From a Modern Advice Columnist,”
(19:34) Some of the best advice is the wrong advice…
Both Meredith and Damona were questioned when beginning their careers as to why they should be the ones giving others advice. Meredith elaborates, “I always used to tell people – if I was a trained mental health professional, I would not be telling people what to do in 300-word responses, that’s not really what happens. And so much of the process is about hearing an opinion from someone like you or me, and then saying, ‘Well, wait, that’s actually not it.’ Sometimes my best advice is the wrong advice. Because someone says, ‘oh, Meredith, I’m not going to do that. And here’s why.’”
Meredith also shares her own current experience with dating in her 40’s, and what she has learned about the metropolitan dating scene from those 40+ who write to her.
(26:30) Every story is really about money.
In her most recent season of the Love Letters podcast, Meredith decided to center her stories and interviews around the idea of money. “I started to realize that every story we’ve ever told was kind of about money. Like you could call it a story about how to meet someone, but it was about the cost of dating. You could talk about a breakup, but it was about the trip the person took after the breakup or running to the hairstylist to get bangs.”
Damona and Meredith discuss the gray area of dating during inflation, while Meredith relives an interview she did with a man who decided to buy himself a giant ball pit in his mid-fifties.
Be sure to follow Meredith on Instagram @MeredithGoldstein and check out her podcast, Love Letters, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates!
DEAR DAMONA (35:25)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Sweet 16 & Couples Challenge
What do wax and serving trays have in common? Besides having been everywhere during Damona’s recent family trip to Colonial Williamsburg, they are both traditional gifts for a 16th Wedding Anniversary, which is PERFECT timing, since Damona and her husband Seth just celebrated their Sweet 16(th Anniversary).
To celebrate, our guest today is none other than Seth Hoffman! Seth isn’t *technically* an expert in love, but he’s taught Damona a heck of a lot about what partnership really means. The two will be sharing their most important lessons, favorite memories, and will be taking a stab at the infamous Couples Challenge.
DATING DISH (2:10)
The social experiment that wants to end dating apps:
According to a recent article in Interesting Engineering, the Pear Ring is the real-life social experiment looking to make IRL connections easier for singles. The Pear Ring is advertised as “the opposite of an engagement ring,” and wearing the green-colored accessory signals to others that you’re single and looking for a match. Although an altruistic idea, there are some caveats to wearing something that advertises you’re open to being approached. Damona goes over these caveats, as well as some intriguing stats on engagement rings – for example, while both men and women are more likely to wear a wedding ring today than in previous generations, those under 40 are also more likely to remove it.
SETH HOFFMAN (11:00)
Seth Hoffman has written on tv dramas you know and love, including House, Prison Break and The Walking Dead. But his most important creations are certainly Damona’s two children.
(12:30) Love will find you when you least expect it.
We’ve all been on the receiving end of unsolicited relationship advice at one point or another, and there are definitely phrases that float around in the zeitgeist of romantic advice. But do these suggestions really check out over time? Damona and Seth ponder over and debunk some classic pieces of relationship advice, including “happy wife, happy life” and “never go to bed angry.”
(18:05) The memory jar exercise.
If you’re an avid watcher of The Drew Barrymore Show, you may have seen Damona featured in an episode honoring the newest issue of Drew Magazine. Drew brought together her cohost Ross Mathews, his husband Wellington, and Damona to deliberate whether soulmates were real. In this same episode, Damona mentioned an exercise she and Seth have done called The Memory Jar – you write down your favorite memories together, place them in the jar, and continue to add to it over time. (You can see a clip from the segment on Damona’s Instagram!) Seth shares the proper origin story of the memory jar, and how their daughter Addie played a vital role.
(28:50) The Couples Challenge!
You know that the truth comes OUT during a couples challenge. And in Damona and Seth’s version, we get answers to questions like: Who is more likely to talk to a stranger? Who is stricter with the kids? Who steals the bed covers more? Who would die first in a zombie apocalypse? Who is usually right? And who’s the better kisser?
Want to hear more reflections from Damona and Seth? Be sure to check out their previous Dates & Mates interview here!
DEAR DAMONA
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! There was no Dear Damona this episode, so listen in next week to see if Damona addresses your question. 👀
Love Trauma & Overflowing Inbox
Here’s a fun fact: did you know that the word April comes from the Latin verb “aperir,” which means “to open”? Many people like to believe the name of the month describes the flowers and trees opening in springtime. I’m preparing as I speak to see the Cherry Blossoms in DC for the first time. Swoon!
Springtime is a period of renewal and rebirth. So in the spirit of growth, we wanted to touch on self awareness and the idea of opening yourself up to love.
And that’s why we’ve got certified dating & relationship coach, Lauren Zoeller, here to talk about how you can become aligned in love, personally and in your relationships.
DATING DISH (2:00)
Mr. Owl, how many swipes does it take to get to the love of my life?:
The team at Shane Co. Jewelry conducted a study asking online daters how much time they spend on dating apps, whether they’ve met a partner from an app, and how long it took them to do so. According to this study, the average American will spend about eight months on dating apps and swipe on just under 4,000 profiles before finding a partner. Damona breaks down the other specifics within the study – and tells us why decisive action will be your best bet in finding a match online.
LAUREN ZOELLER (9:12)
Lauren Zoeller is a certified dating & relationship coach, an author, and the host of The Aligned Love podcast. She is also the Founder of The Aligned Love Experience™ and an expert practitioner in reparenting, generational healing and Somatic Experiencing.
Lauren’s insights have been featured on The Drew Barrymore Show (holla!), The NY Post, Business Insider, NBC News, SHAPE magazine and other international media outlets.
(10:00) What makes Somatic Therapy different?
If you’ve never heard of “somatic therapy” before, Lauren’s got ya covered. “Somatic therapy is therapy of the nervous system, which is completely different from what most of us are conditioned to think about when we think about therapy. And that’s traditional talk therapy, going to a therapist and verbally processing your trauma.”
(19:35) Feeling safe inside of your body…
Damona asks for Lauren’s top first date tips for tapping into your nervous system awareness. She asserts that you first have to understand what safety feels like in your body, because only then will you have a sense if someone is safe when you meet them. “Your person should feel like home, they should feel safe – but you have to find home within yourself first.”
Lauren also shares her hot take on feeling butterflies, and what it means if you’re still getting them on the 3rd date.
(26:30) Bullsh*t and breadcrumbs.
One of the things both Lauren and Damona hear a lot is that women want to be pursued by their match – but Lauren points out a key difference between pursuing someone and chasing them. “I think that both people in a partnership need to pursue one another. It’s not a one way thing.”
Lauren continues that many women put up with what she calls “bullsh*t and breadcrumbs,” AKA a lack of clarity in whether someone wants to date you.
Be sure to follow Lauren on Instagram @LaurenZoeller and check out The Aligned Love Framework Course.
DEAR DAMONA (29:40)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Email from Snowed Under, Down Under – Hi Damona, I’ve been listening to your podcast here in Australia and I have a burning question. Without tooting my own horn; I get a lot of interest from guys on dating apps. The area in which I live and date is very skewed in the favor of women to men ratio. So I get inundated with messages and likes on dating apps. My question is how do I handle this influx of messages? I try to be respectful and answer every message, even if I am not interested – but it’s almost a full-time job!!! I get burnt out really quickly trying to siphon through the guys and trying to message them to give me and them a chance to determine if we should meet up. I don’t like to juggle conversations, but I can take on average 7 to 10 days getting to know someone via text/message, only to meet and the connection to be underwhelming in person! I wonder if my mindset of trying to cull the numbers and really focus on what it is I’m searching for is hindering me – or should I just wing it and just go and meet people without even really getting to know them in written communication first???
Relationshopping & Last First Date
Most of us have a relationship we wish had worked out differently. We think about the one who got away, we wonder how we got to a turning point in our relationships and we second guess everything. That is a normal part of the dating process.
But sometimes daters get caught up in patterns which consistently lead them to make choices that keep them single or unsatisfied in their relationships. If this is you, today’s show will remind you that you have the power to create the love life you want and deserve.
That’s why we have dating and relationship coach, Sandy Weiner, on today to talk about the hidden reasons why we sometimes choose wrong in love, and to share the skills that lead to our best choices and ultimately, our last first date.
DATING DISH (2:20)
How dating became like shopping – and what you can do to get a good haul:
Our friends at GQ magazine state that the suggestion of pre-date questionnaires and follow up surveys could push dating culture into shopping territory. But according to Damona, the “shopification” of dating has been around long before Tinder’s swipe technology. Damona continues to break down how reviewing our dates takes away our self-discovery in dating, and why we should simultaneously embrace the efficiency that dating technology offers us.
SANDY WEINER (12:40)
Sandy Weiner is an internationally known TEDx speaker, dating and relationship coach AND the host of two podcasts – Last First Date Radio and The Woman of Value Podcast.
But that’s not all! Sandy is also the Chief Love Officer at Last First Date, where her team provides group and individual coaching. And her new book, “Choice Points in Dating: Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love”, is available now.
(14:40) The paradox of choice.
Sandy divulges the inspiration for her new book, which revolves around our relationship to choice. Sandy had a first date with a man who had been widowed 15 years prior, but kept repeating that he hadn’t been able to date because of all his responsibilities – he had no choice. Although this date didn’t go anywhere, Sandy reflected that we usually have many more choices than we know.
A big culprit of this disillusionment is what both Damona and Sandy refer to as “the paradox of choice.” They explain the concept further, while Sandy describes how you can turn around your fear of rejection by asking for clarity.
(26:25) What makes you feel safe?
Sandy recalls her own proposal and divorce story, having gotten engaged six weeks after meeting her ex (it involves a puppet named Rocco and an in-flight PA system). In her book, Sandy references a list of compatibility criteria she had when she agreed to marry her ex. And over the years, that criteria has shifted to help her coach her clients. “Now, when I take a client through this process, it’s really about how do you want to feel? Let’s take safety, because that’s a big one. Safety – emotionally, physically, financially. So you go through all those categories, and then you ask who that person has to be for me to feel that way.”
(32:50) Don’t be afraid to interrupt!
Being the host of Last First Date Radio, Damona asks Sandy for her top tips on first date success. Sandy puts a big emphasis on how you’re preparing for your first date. “And a lot of people put very little time into asking, what am I going to talk about? How am I going to frame my stories? That’s something I love working with clients on because we often overshare, we share in a way that feels scary to the other person. And people just say things that are self sabotaging on first dates. So prepare your stories.”
Women are also more stereotypically great listeners, and thus don’t end up participating as equally in first date conversation. Sandy spells out why we should all learn to interrupt more, or offer information without it being asked for.
Be sure to follow Sandy on Instagram @LastFirstDate1 and grab a copy of her new book, “Choice Points in Dating: Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love.”
DEAR DAMONA (42:50)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from Jean – Hi Damona, I met this guy on Facebook on December 3rd. We’ve exchanged numbers and have FaceTimed. I’m ready to meet but he wants to wait. Please see his message to me about why. Does he sound sincere? (Message from guy) “Good morning. I hope you made it safely to work this morning. A lot happened yesterday and I received a lot spiritually. I think we take getting to know each other very slowly. Let’s continue to chat and text & FaceTime to allow some more time and learning about our persons before we take any steps further. I am a very demanding and strong-willed, outspoken man that cares deeply and loves hard. The woman with me has to be able to understand and accept me as I do her without judgment, and not one second think I’d do her any harm or mean her any ill will. I LIKE YOU, and I do want to grow with you. BUT because of the man I am and things I’ve been through, it makes me a little more experienced and I don’t want that to ruin our opportunity. So I think it’s best we take more time learning and chatting before we start planning on anything sexual or having physical interaction.”
ChatGPT & Dating, Decoded
As Damona has been posting more dating advice on Instagram, we’ve been reading through the comments (as one does). And some folks are wondering, “Why should I take my dating advice from Damona? She’s a married lady, yet she’s offering online dating advice.” Which made us realize that many new listeners don’t know Damona’s background!
So here’s why Damona should be your go-to gal for dating advice:
If that doesn’t convince you to listen to the rest of the show, we don’t know what will. Maybe it’ll be our guest for today, Hannah Orenstein. She’s the deputy editor of lifestyle and wellness at Bustle, and she has her finger on the pulse of modern dating trends. So she is the perfect person to help us decode the new rules of dating.
DATING DISH (3:00)
Will ChatGPT take over online dating?
Our friends at CNET published a captivating article this week, asking what happens when ChatGPT gets a hold of your online dating profile. To get you up to speed, ChatGPT is an artificial intelligence chat bot that can assist you with basic writing tasks. So Erin, the author of the article, decided to conduct an experiment in which she asked ChatGPT to write witty responses to classic dating profile prompts. For example, Erin gave the prompt “write a 500-character dating app bio for a woman who likes music, books and houseplants.” ChatGPT responded: “Music lover, bookworm, and proud plant parent… Seeking someone who shares my passions and is ready to join me on spontaneous adventures, cozy nights in, and trips to the local nursery… Bonus points if you have a green thumb!”
Damona dives into the ethics of using ChatGPT, the question of misrepresentation, and how ChatGPT is going to revolutionize online dating and communication.
(Funnily enough, ChatGPT’s response to Erin’s prompt above is almost the same as one of the prompts in Damona’s Free Profile Starter Kit. 😂)
HANNAH ORENSTEIN (15:30)
Hannah Orenstein is the Deputy Editor of Lifestyle and Wellness at Bustle, where she covers dating, relationships, and sex, among other topics.
Previously, she was the Senior Dating Editor at Elite Daily, where she still writes her advice column “Dating, Decoded.” She’s also the author of four novels; her most recent book, MEANT TO BE MINE, was praised by Vogue, Cosmo, BuzzFeed, USA Today, and more.
(18:30) Am I normal?
After having written a dating and relationship advice column for so many years, Hannah says the most common theme within the questions she’s received is: am I normal? Although Hannah describes that one of the most scandalous messages she received was about a reader who had slept with her boyfriend’s best friend, and her struggle with what to do. Another reader had also messaged Hannah asking about how to feel comfortable in her own skin, after having gained weight and having her hair fall out.
Hannah shares a story on how she went about addressing such a layered question, while giving her thoughts on defining “self care.”
(26:40) Dear Damona/Dear Hannah…
Hannah points out that many of the singles writing in to Dating Decoded are in college or in their early twenties. And when you’re trying to figure out dating for the first time, having an advice columnist to give it to you straight can be a really comforting thing. “I don’t know their lives. But I think sometimes you do need somebody from the outside to say, ‘hey, you seem okay, I think you could be doing better.’”
So if you’re in a relationship, what are the signs that it may be feeling like it’s stagnating? Number one, it’s a pretty clear sign if you write into an advice column for help. Number two? “Anytime you are dwelling on something or ruminating on it, and you just can’t get it off your mind, I think that’s a sign that maybe something is worth examining or worth being curious about there. Because if everything was totally hunky dory, you wouldn’t be obsessing about it all the time.”
Be sure to follow Hannah on Instagram @HannaHorens and check out her monthly advice column, “Dating, Decoded” featured in Elite Daily.
DEAR DAMONA (35:35)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listener asked about this week:
4 Signs Your Online Boyfriend is a Catfish
Dating apps and online dating have become even more prevalent in recent years, with more and more people turning to the internet to find love. However, with the rise of virtual connections, there has also been a rise in catfishing and romance scams. In 2022, reports of romance scams reached a record $413 million in losses reported to the Federal Trade Commission in the United States.
While catfishing can happen to anyone, younger women have become increasingly vulnerable to emotional catfishing, which can have devastating consequences. But if you know the signs to spot a fake boyfriend, you can move forward and date with confidence. And that’s where we come in!
Here are 4 Sure Signs Your Online Boyfriend is a Catfish:
He Will Never Meet You In Person
His Online Identity is a Mismatch
He Only Calls You At One Time Of Day
He Has Lots of Pretty Lady Friends Online
It’s important to remember that the point of online dating is to actually date. If you suspect that you might be dealing with a catfish, it’s best to cut off communication and move on. Always do your due diligence before meeting someone in person and never send money to someone you’ve never met in real life.
But with a little bit of caution and common sense, you can protect yourself from online romance scams and find true love. Now get out there and start swiping!
Dating Up & Toxic Relationship Fix
Finding love is a journey and as you date, you are bound to encounter some people who are not good for you. But with the right mindset and approach, you can find and maintain a healthy, loving relationship.
It all starts with awareness and the ability to identify narcissism and toxic behavior in your matches. Don’t worry though, these behaviors are not as common as the TherapyTok trend might have you think. Even still, they exist and can cause you tremendous pain.
And that is why I have licensed psychotherapist, Sherry Gaba, and certified Life and Dating & Relationship Coach, Carla Romo, here today. They will be talking about how to avoid toxic relationships, trust your gut and find and keep healthy love.
DATING DISH (2:05)
Is “dating up” really a bad thing?:
A recent article from Essence Magazine dove into the details of “dating up” when looking for a life partner – i.e. dating someone who has access to more resources than you. The article begins by calling back to a trend around getting your “MRS Degree” (AKA a woman going to college to pursue a man with the potential to be rich or successful in the future). The article continues by dropping some stats in support of dating up regarding the gender pay gap.
Well, you KNOW Damona has some thoughts to share – one being that “dating up” puts too much of a focus on dating someone above your status, versus someone who could be your equal. And what qualities really connote someone being at a higher level than you? If you are so fixated on dating someone above your level, at least be sure you’re asking yourself if it’s really something you want, or if this is a story that was told to you about what a secure partner should be.
THE LOVE FIX (10:32)
Sherry Gaba is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach, author and co-host of the podcast, The Love Fix. Sherry has appeared on Vh1’s Celebrity Rehab, CNN, Inside Edition, Access Live, and E! News. She has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Women’s World, the LA Times, the New York Post, Zoosk, Psychology Today and other leading publications.
Carla Romo is a certified Life and Dating & Relationship Coach, author of “Contagious Love” and co-hosts The Love Fix podcast with Sherry. She has been featured on or partnered with Simon Business School, Milwaukee Bucks, BRAVO, Bumble, Lifetime, and Bustle.
(12:25) Toxic red flags (and have we heard them all)?
Being a hot topic on their own podcast, The Love Fix, Damona asks Carla and Sherry for their take on the signs of toxic behavior. Carla states that oversharing can be a red flag (less in a vulnerable way, more in the let-me-dump-my-childhood-trauma-on-you kind of way). She also points out that it’s good to look for consistency in their behavior, AKA if they’re telling you one thing but their actions are communicating another.
But contrary to what a lot of people feel about dating culture and the individuals on dating apps, Carla doesn’t think the majority of people are toxic. Sherry then covers what she learned in her training about the cycle of abuse.
(24:00) Healthy doesn’t always feel like attraction…
Damona shares that in her dating journey (before meeting Seth, of course), she really has to deprogram what she defined as a healthy relationship – “I find that for a lot of people, when they’re used to that sort of chaotic relationship, a healthy relationship can feel like nothing’s happening.” Sherry continues that if you grew up with a certain amount of trauma, your nervous system experienced a lot of activation which can create a lack of regulation.
Carla adds how she advises her clients to go on a second date, even if the first date felt boring. “Go on that second date, go on the third date, just get to know people. And you don’t have to define if you’re going to marry this person. Like, the point of dating is that you need to go on multiple dates.” Sherry also gives us some of the indications of healthy conflict vs. toxic conflict
(32:35) Wholeness is in your body.
Damona mentions how employing our intuition can be a really useful tool in being able to suss out the signs of toxicity. But if we’ve been in abusive relationships in the past, we’ve often been taught not to trust our intuition, let alone ourselves. Sherry states that part of this is how trauma shows up in the body: “If you haven’t worked through your early trauma, and it’s still lodged in your body, you’re going to be responding from that place, instead of the place you need to be responding from – a wholeness.”
Sherry states that you can discharge that trauma using processes like EMDR or doing somatic work with a trauma therapist. And if being able to afford this kind of treatment feels like a financial stretch, Sherry and Carla share their tips on finding resources.
Be sure to follow Sherry and Carla on Instagram @TheLoveFixPodcast and listen to their podcast, The Love Fix, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.
DEAR DAMONA (42:04)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from R – What do you think about putting your HSV+ status on your dating profile to weed out anyone that isn’t in alignment with you???
Selfish Romantic & Audio Attraction
Do you struggle with setting boundaries in a relationship? Do you feel guilty for putting yourself first? Well, what if we told you that prioritizing yourself was actually a key to dating success?
Today we are going to redefine the word “selfish” and explore how being “selfish” is actually an essential part of self-love and self-care. We’ll explore practical ways to prioritize ourselves in romantic relationships, how to set healthy boundaries, and why it’s crucial to avoid losing ourselves in the pursuit of love.
And we will do it all with the help of five-board accredited body confidence coach, author, and speaker, Michelle Elman. She will be joining Damona today to talk about her latest book, “The Selfish Romantic: How to Date Without Feeling Bad About Yourself.”
DATING DISH (1:51)
The dos and don’ts of Hinge audio notes:
If you’ve been in the dating app scene recently then you know about Hinge’s audio prompts, which the app introduced in November 2021. Although the option for audio prompts didn’t revolutionize the way we swipe, hearing someone’s voice on their profile can become a key piece to whether you’re attracted to someone or not. And it limits the amount of information you share which can be important in the early phases of dating when it doesn’t take much to flip from someone peaking your interest to giving you the total “ick” (which we talked about in a recent D&M ep).
That’s why we were so grateful to see this article from Mashable, featuring tips on how to make the most of your audio notes from Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science and friend of the pod, Logan Ury. In the article, Logan shares Hinge’s top 5 most popular voice prompts and some CRUCIAL do’s and don’ts. But all in all, Damona thinks you can never go wrong with the more creative route. The more you can showcase your character in your profile, the more you frame yourself as a real person instead of just a face to swipe on.
MICHELLE ELMAN (8:14)
Michelle Elman is a five-board accredited life coach, broadcaster, and public speaker (but you may know her as the queen of boundaries). What you might not know is that she had 15 surgeries before the age of 20, and is a leading expert on body positivity.
Michelle has been featured by Stylist and Glamour, and has appeared on The Today Show, Teen Vogue, E! News and MTV. Lastly, she’s the author of two best-selling books and her most recent book, The Selfish Romantic, is out now!
(9:24) What inspired The Selfish Romantic?
There seems to be a fine line that is walked between selfishness and self care or self love. But Michelle notes that in order to have self love, you are required to be selfish. “The practicality is you cannot be higher on your priority list unless you start saying no to other people around you. And it’s the same in your dating life. So if you’re putting someone else’s opinion above your own, you aren’t going to make decisions in your love life that are good for you. And so you do need to be more selfish.”
Michelle also talks about her surgery scars, self-consciousness, and how she reframed the relevancy of her scars in her own dating life.
(20:20) Is your focus on dating stunting your growth?
Michelle brings up a pretty life-changing session she had with her life coach. In this session, the coach called Michelle out for making a guy she was dating for 3 weeks her #1 priority (and Michelle was even writing her first book at the time). Michelle says this convo was the catalyst for deciding to reset her dating life by remaining “consciously single” for three years.
Michelle goes into why being consciously single is NOT halting your love life (at least not as much as you think it is) & how she went about her dating detox.
(26:45) The myths & lies about singlehood.
Speaking of Damona’s book and dating myths, Michelle has a lot to say about the myths around being single. “People seem to think that being single is something that accidentally happens to us. That it’s like this illness that gets thrust upon us, or it’s a waiting room until we get our next relationship… We all came into this world single. Being single is the default, being coupled is not the default.”
First of all, treat yourself and get this book The Selfish Romantic out NOW. Second of all, treat yourself again by watching Michelle’s inspiring content on IG @MichelleLElman.
DEAR DAMONA (29:18)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Email from Allison – How can I pursue a relationship rather than friends with benefits? My usual pattern has been to like a guy, sleep with him, then fall hard for him – only to find out that he doesn’t want a serious relationship.
Rachel Lindsay & Trending Globally
We have a big episode today, with a big name guest – so why not kick it off with a big announcement to match?
As many of you know, Damona has been working on her book for the last year or two. And now, we can OFFICIALLY announce the release date and the title!!!
In her 15+ years coaching singles, Damona has found that the biggest game changer for clients is the moment when they throw out the old scripts they’ve been living with – the soulmate myth, the chemistry myth, all the myths that keep us believing that there is one way to find love. As soon as you realize the power you have to live your OWN love story, your life begins to change.
Damona’s book will be the framework to help you do just that. So on January 2nd, 2024, you can buy your copy of F the Fairytale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story. In the meantime, you’ll be hearing excerpts from the book and much more throughout the year.
Now, on to the show! You know our guest today as The Bachelorette from Season 13 and a correspondent on EXTRA. She’s the one and only, Rachel Lindsay! And she has a brand new novel called “Real Love!” that asks what happens when you take the road less traveled.
DATING DISH (2:42)
Match Group served up the world’s first comprehensive survey of dating trends:
If you’ve never heard of Match Group, they’re the ones who own companies like Tinder, Match.com, OkCupid, Hinge, PlentyOfFish and OurTime. And recently, Match Group partnered with research firm Ipsos to dive deep into the current state of online dating. Nearly 20,000 people were surveyed from the US, Germany, Japan, India and Turkey – including people with and without online dating experience
The results were split into three sections covering LGBTQ+ dating, online safety, and how online dating seems to be the foremost venue for making connections. Damona goes over the hottest takes to come out of this data-fest.
RACHEL LINDSAY (14:10)
Rachel Lindsay is currently a correspondent with ExtraTV and she is the host of The Ringer’s “Higher Learning with Van Lathan and Rachel Lindsay” podcast, which was recently nominated for an NAACP.
Rachel is best known for her role as the first Black lead in the franchise’s history on the 13th season of ABC’s The Bachelorette and as a contestant on the 21st season of ABC’s The Bachelor.
And her newest book, “Real Love!”, is on shelves… TODAY!
(17:00) How much of Rachel’s novel draws from IRL?
Rachel’s book “Real Love!” revolves around Maya, a young CEO who is offered the opportunity to join the nationally beloved reality dating show “Real Love.” But after turning down the show, she watches her friend Delilah say yes to the experience.
Besides the obvious, Rachel says that the book is loosely based on her own journey but stands alone as its own story. On deciding to go on The Bachelor, Rachel says “once I said yes, it changed my life in the best way. But I always think about that girl who almost said no. And so I wanted to explore that.”
Rachel also notes some of the key themes in the book including how we keep ourselves from our own happiness (to quote Rachel, “fear is really the root of all evil.)
(23:30) Throw out the life plan!
Damona brings up an essay from Rachel’s previous book, where she described the 10-year life plan she used to have. And now? Rachel shares that she’s thrown the idea of a life plan out altogether. “Even now, when someone says to me, ‘what is it that you want to do, what’s the end goal?’ I don’t give them one… What I would say is hold true to those things that you don’t want to compromise on your morals, your values, your dreams, your goals. All that should stand through and through.”
(28:05) A fine line between your story and someone else’s…
Damona observes Rachel’s very deliberate choice to have the main character of “Real Love!” be black, and asks if this was a way for Rachel to explore how race factors into finding love today. Rachel says absolutely, noting that “as [Maya] comes to a certain crossroads and she’s open to new opportunities, you see that certain things don’t necessarily match up with her life plan. But is she going to act on them? Or is she not? And that’s a very real life situation.”
(31:02) Blackness and Bachelor Nation.
Rachel had never watched a show from The Bachelor franchise when she first went on as a contestant, later becoming the first black lead of not only The Bachelorette, but of a Bachelor show PERIOD. And although she didn’t have a full concept of how historical her position was, she describes anticipating judgment for every decision she would make by both The Bachelor audience AND the Black community alike. She continues, “I was going to be open to love. And if it came my way, I was going to accept it no matter what package it came in. And I needed to be okay with that. Because I knew the world that I was going to have to face once I made that decision.”
Rachel also describes the biggest advice she has for interracial couples.
Be sure to follow Rachel Lindsay on Instagram @TheRachLindsay AND go out and grab YOUR copy of Real Love! – on shelves today!
DEAR DAMONA (38:15)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Text Message from Anon – Hi Damona! I recently started listening to your podcast and really like it! You inspired me to get back online for dating after taking a couple of years off. My question is: How do I balance the matches and conversations? I’m not very good at, or comfortable with, talking to and meeting multiple guys at once. I don’t want to miss a good potential match due to ignoring messages but I don’t know that spreading myself thin over the matches allows me to really gauge a good connection. I don’t want to get overwhelmed and give up, but I’m not really sure what to do. Thank you!