If you are wondering if everyone else around you just magically knows how to date, you’re not alone.

It can feel like there’s some secret handbook you missed while everyone else got theirs in high school?

We’ve been told our whole lives that dating should just come naturally. That attraction, communication, and building trust are things we’re born knowing how to do. That by your late twenties, you should have all this figured out already.

But here’s the actual truth: dating is a skill. It’s a set of learned abilities. How to communicate, how to attract, how to build trust and connection. And like any skill, whether it’s learning to drive or learning to speak a new language, you get better with practice.

It’s about recognizing that being new to dating doesn’t make you naive. It makes you a beginner. And every expert was a beginner once.

This week, a listener who asked to be identified as Butterfly wrote in with a situation that so many late bloomers are navigating.

She shared:

“I am now in my late twenties and struggling to find a mate. I had strict parents and wasn’t allowed to date in high school. In my early twenties, I never tried with relationships, and now that I’m getting older, I’m in a place where I’d like a relationship, but I can never find the first person. I feel like the men I’ve tried to date have taken advantage of my naivety and wasted my time with no real intentions. I don’t know how to build a genuine bond with someone and don’t know what to look for and what to avoid. Can you help?”

This is a question that goes deeper than just getting dating advice: it’s about stepping into a space where you feel behind, learning to trust yourself when you’re building new skills, and protecting yourself without closing off to opportunity.

(04:00) You’re Not Naive, You’re a Beginner (And That’s Actually Better)

Here’s the reality: a lot of people who dated in high school or college went through the exact same trial and error you’re experiencing now. They just went through it earlier.

They made the same mistakes. They asked the same questions. They felt just as confused.

Being new to dating doesn’t make you naive. It makes you a beginner. And there’s a crucial difference:

• Naive means you don’t know what you don’t know
• Beginner means you’re actively learning, building competence, getting your reps in

The story you tell yourself matters. If you tell yourself, “I’m behind, I’m naive, people are taking advantage of me,” that fear will lead every interaction.

But if you reframe it as, “I’m building a skill I didn’t get to practice earlier,” you give yourself permission to learn without shame.

(08:00) They’re Not Manipulating You, They’re Self-Focused

When Butterfly says she feels like men have taken advantage of her naivety, there’s something real underneath that fear. But it might not be quite what she thinks.

Most daters aren’t sitting around plotting how to manipulate beginners. They’re too consumed with themselves and what they want to worry about trying to manipulate anyone.

The reality is more transactional than malicious. People are laser-focused on their own experience, their own needs, what they’re trying to get met.

That’s not manipulation. That’s self-motivation. That doesn’t make it a good thing but it reduces the emotional charge.

What feels like manipulation is often just inexperience preventing you from reading signals and intentions early on. When you don’t know what to look for yet, you miss the cues that someone more experienced would catch quickly.

The good news?

You can learn to see those signals. And the more practice you get, the clearer they become.

(11:00) Green Flags: Consistency Between Words and Actions

So what should you actually look for? What separates someone worth your time from someone who’s going to waste it?

Your north star: consistency between someone’s words and actions.

A lot of times when people say they’re being manipulated or someone’s wasting their time, when you play back the tape, there were signs early on.

Cues in their profile. Things they said in the first few conversations.

Pay attention to:

• What someone says in their profile about what they’re looking for
• How they talk about prior relationships (negative? dismissive? still processing?)
• How they relate to other people in their life (work, family, friends)
• Whether their actions match what they say they want

The biggest predictor of what someone will do in the future is what they’ve already done. People don’t change a whole lot.

Sometimes we ignore these signals because we want the narrative to fit. We’re so focused on finding a relationship that we filter out anything that doesn’t align with what we want to be true.

We blow through the stop signs. We ignore the red flags. We filter out what doesn’t work for us because we’re trying so hard to make it work.

You can start to notice patterns and outcomes by using a Date Tracker, which is a vital (and free) resource for all daters.. Just starting to record what’s actually happening on dates and how you’re feeling will start to chart a path in the direction you want to go.

(16:00) Name and Narrate: A New Dating Strategy for 2026

Here’s a brand new dating strategy: name and narrate.

Start naming the thing you’re feeling out loud. Call out your fear. See how they react to it.

Here’s what this looks like in practice:

You’re on a date and someone puts their hand on the small of your back, but you’re not comfortable with that yet. Instead of squirming and hoping they get the hint, just say it: “We’re not at that point yet.”

At a singles event feeling awkward? Walk up to someone and say, “Aren’t these events always awkward? I never know what to say to break the ice.”

By naming the thing you’re feeling, you:

• Affirm your own power and agency
• Create an opening for connection
• Give the other person permission to be honest too

There’s a chance the other person is feeling the exact same way, and now you’ve given them permission to be real with you.

Stop setting aside your discomfort for someone else’s comfort.

Name the thing. See what how they respond.

(19:00) Building Connection Starts Where You Already Are

Butterfly says she doesn’t know how to build a genuine bond. And here’s what’s important to remember: building a genuine bond isn’t something that happens overnight.

It’s built slowly through shared experiences, through honest conversations, through showing up as your real self, not who you think somebody wants you to be.

So don’t put the cart before the horse. Don’t come in craving a bond so intensely that you push through things too fast and blow through red flags.

Start where you are already comfortable:

1. Ask yourself: what do I actually enjoy doing?
2. Invite someone into those spaces with you
3. Build from there

Connection happens when:

• Both people are willing to open up
• Both people are willing to be a little vulnerable
• Both people are willing to share thoughts and feelings that matter

If someone isn’t meeting you halfway in building that connection, that’s valuable information.

But if you come in hot, fixated on the finish line, you’ll miss the initial steps that actually build trust: feeling seen, feeling heard, noticing whether their words match their actions.

Every Date is a Learning Opportunity

You’re not looking for perfection. You’re looking for someone who shows up with genuine intentions and treats you with respect.

Go into this experience of dating thinking of it as practice.

You need to get into as many conversations as you can to get your reps in. Every date, every conversation, every experience is teaching you something about what feels right and what doesn’t.

If you think of it as, “Hey, we’re just practicing here,” it takes the pressure off. We’re not going all the way to soulmate, we’re not going all the way to bonded. We’re just like, “Are we having a good time? Are we traveling the same path in life? Do I feel good when I’m with you?”

That is enough for the first step.

💌 Got a question about starting over, building confidence, or figuring out what you actually want in dating?

Whether it’s about late blooming, learning to trust your gut, protecting yourself without closing off, or navigating dating as a complete beginner, we’re here for all of it.

Send your question in a DM or voice memo on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or send a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255. It might just be featured in an upcoming Dear Damona segment.

And remember: Dates & Mates covers all the relationships that matter in your life: the ones you’re building, the ones you’re healing, and most importantly, the relationship you have with yourself.

📝 Want to keep track of what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life? Download the free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker