You’re Managing Life Together, But Are You Actually Living It?

Have you ever felt like you and your partner have become the world’s most efficient roommates? 

You’ve got the logistics down to a science (bills paid, kids shuttled, house maintained) but somewhere along the way, you stopped being lovers and became project managers.

This week, a listener named Shelly perfectly captures what so many of us experience but rarely name out loud:

“I’m lonely in my own marriage. We’ve been together 12 years and we’re like this well-oiled machine. Kids get to practice, bills are paid, house doesn’t fall apart, but that’s it. We don’t actually talk anymore, just coordinate. Last week I realized we hadn’t had a real conversation in probably two months. When I brought it up, he was like, ‘what’s wrong? We’re good. We don’t fight.’ But I’m dying here. I miss my husband.”

Her story hits at something most couples face but few discuss: the efficiency trap that slowly replaces emotional intimacy with tactical coordination. Here’s how to recognize it, understand it, and most importantly, how to climb back out.

(3:00) The Corporate Marriage Trap

What got you here won’t get you there, and nowhere is this more true than in long-term relationships. 

Shelly and her husband have developed “badass skills” that make them incredible co-parents and co-managers. They’re like a well-run corporation, but corporations don’t cuddle.

The problem isn’t that you’re good at logistics. The problem is when logistics become your only shared language. 

“Dating is a set of learned skills, and relationship-ing is also a set of learned skills,” Damona explains. But here’s the kicker: we get relationship amnesia. We forget to practice the very skills that brought us together in the first place.

Think about it: you actively practice intimacy in the beginning because everything is new and uncertain. But once you’ve mastered the day-to-day operations, intimacy starts feeling optional instead of essential.

(5:00) Scheduling Intimacy Isn’t Unsexy (It’s Strategic)

Here’s something that might blow your mind: you need to schedule intimacy the same way you schedule soccer practice and financial conversations. And no, this doesn’t just mean putting sex on the calendar (though that works for some people… shout out to the “afternoon delight” and “Shabbos naps”).

This means carving out time where someone else handles the logistics while you focus solely on each other as a couple. “It is really hard to feel connected, feel sexy, or feel intimate when you’re thinking about all of the things on your to-do list,” Damona points out.

The homework here is powerful: think back to when you felt most seen and connected. What were the circumstances? What made you feel free? What elements can you recreate right now? 

Because when you can get specific about what you’re missing, you can fill that hole. But if you don’t know where the hole is, it just becomes quicksand.

(9:00) When “We’re Good” Means “I’m Drowning”

Things get tricky here… When Shelly brought up feeling disconnected, her husband’s response was classic: “What’s wrong? We’re good. We don’t fight.” Sound familiar?

This is the disconnect that kills relationships slowly: one person feels completely satisfied with a functional partnership while the other is starving for emotional connection. 

He didn’t know it was test day; he thought he was just showing up to class. Meanwhile, she’s been keeping a mental tally of every missed connection.

The solution isn’t avoiding this conversation (it’s having it differently). Instead of “we are disconnected,” try “I feel disconnected.” Instead of assuming mutual understanding, start from your own experience: “I want to feel closer and regain a sense of intimacy. How can we work together to change this?”

(12:00) Two Months Without a Real Conversation

Let that sink in for a moment. Two months. In a marriage. Without a real conversation.

This isn’t just busy schedules (this is an emotional drought). And the scary part is how gradually it happens. 

You look up one day and think, “Wait, how did we get so far apart?” Real conversation means sharing thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears… not just who’s picking up the milk.

The question becomes: are you willing to be brave and vulnerable with your partner to receive some bravery and vulnerability back? 

When all your interactions become transactional, you lose the emotional intimacy that makes a partnership feel like partnership. And the longer you go without meaningful connection, the harder it becomes to remember how to restart these conversations.

(14:00) Missing Someone Who’s Right Next to You

“I’m dying here. I miss my husband.” This line captures something most people feel but don’t know how to say. You miss the person you fell in love with, and they’re sleeping right next to you every night.

Loneliness in marriage can feel just as painful as loneliness when you’re single because the person you need is so close, but emotionally unreachable. It’s a sign that person-to-person connection is being replaced by role-to-role interaction.

But here’s the good news: the person you love is still in there. They’re still right there. 

Damona shares her own story of maintaining connection during physical separation, emphasizing the power of getting from the action to the emotion underneath it. 

When you can communicate how something makes you feel rather than just what you need them to do, everything shifts.

💌Got a communication question you’ve been sitting on?

Whether it’s about dating, relationships, boundaries, or what the heck to text back (Damona’s here for all of it).

Send your question in a DM or voice memo on  Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or send a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255. It might just be featured in an upcoming Dear Damona segment.

And remember: Dates & Mates isn’t just about romantic relationships anymore. It’s about the people who matter most (partners, friends, family, and you).

📖 Ready to challenge the stories that might be holding you back in love?

Check out Damona’s book “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story”  for a fresh take on modern relationships and the courage to rewrite your own love story.