I know it’s controversial, and I know LOTS of singles who disagree with me, but my theory about when to have sex in a new relationship is a hard and fast rule (that’s what she said!): NO SEX UNTIL AT LEAST DATE #5 !!
Here’s why you should hold out:
1) Chemistry kicks in—When a woman has sex, the body releases the “cuddle chemical” oxytocin—even before climax. After climax, it drops off surprisingly quickly. Men can have sex without attachment, but biologically (unless you have life experiences that have reprogrammed you) a woman is going to have urges to nest with a man after intercourse—often too soon. While oxytocin dies off after sex, so does dopamine, the neurochemical behind desire. Dopamine makes the thrill of the chase happen. The body yearns for a person from their released chemicals. As dopamine diminishes, the urge to merge dies out and your “Miss Right Now” may become “Miss Please Go Away.”
2) The thrill of the chase is over—The more he has to think about and strategize about how to specifically sleep with you, the more invested he’ll be when it actually happens. An Alpha male with higher testosterone (and therefore a high sex drive and assertive personality) is often seen as most elite and attractive by women. Since they are driven by a goal of sex, you have to be even more reserved before sleeping with these A-types to see their true personality….and keep them interested.
3) Avoid sexually transmitted diseases—It’s said that one in four people will have an STD in their life and one in two will have contracted some sort of STD by the time they’re 25!! From diseases ranging from easily treatable, like urinary tract infections, to incurable and stigmatizing diseases, such as herpes and AIDS, why take a risk with someone who you just met? Though condoms and other safe sex prophylactics can help lower the risk for STDs, with such rampant diseases such as HPV (which can lead to cancer) and genital herpes, it’s better to wait than to take a chance.
4) Long-term happiness—Studies show that those couples who waited to have sex are happiest in their relationships. Cornell University asked 600 married and co-habiting couples how happy they were together, how committed they were to the relationship, how emotionally involved they were and how well they communicated, as well as about how often they argued and about their level of sexual satisfaction. They were also asked how long they had waited before sleeping together. One-third of the men and women said they’d had sex within the first month of dating, while about 28% waited at least six months. Analysis showed that the women who had waited to have sex were happier and those who waited at least six months scored highly in every category measured than those who got intimate right away.
5) Monogamy—According CNN, humans are incapable of monogamy. While I disagree, studies show that we tend toward infidelity as most of the animal kingdom does. Infidelity is a deal breaker for most people and before you lose your cool after the dopamine, oxytocin and orgasms (hopefully) set in, you need to discuss how you both feel about the subject before hopping into bed and leaving it up to chance. Some people want to play the field or have casual sex while others don’t. It’s important to know which side of the coin you lie before taking it to the sheets.
It’s hard to have ‘the talk’ once he’s already seen your va-jay-jay. Since sex is the ultimate icing on the attraction cake, once you’ve done it, it’s hard to go back to not having sealed the deal. Having an intimate conversation instead of an intimate encounter can bond you with another person. Disclosing your goals, hopes, fears, and intellect will create more long-term attraction than even the BEST of blow jobs. If you skip the important details of WHO you are and go straight for the sex, it makes it harder to get a mental blow job by blowing one another’s mind in deep, revealing conversation instead.
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